hi everyone! i'm looking for you opinions and outlooks on my situation with my first grader. a classmate of her's (a girl) has been touching her inappropriately. iti is of a sexual nature, but hubby and i feel strongly that the girl probably doesn't realize what she's doing. but the school, we feel isn't handling it right. it's a small christian school in the area and love it. when i brought it to the principals attention, she just said 'thank you for bringing this to my attention" and that was all she said. so i asked what she planned to do, and she said that kids (1st graders) fall out today and are in love tomorrow. so i took that to mean nothing. so i told her that i would like her to speak with them. well, she did, but spoke with them TOGETHER. dd was uncomfortable to speak in the meeting, and hubby was furious!
i'm sorry this is long, but i must give more background. the classmates father is more than a bit abrasive when speaking with (what we've now figured out to be) certain kids and adults, and it has been brought to his attention before. even by us. but he always says he dosen't know what you're talking about. well, we were at a girl scout event and he spoke too harshly to dd and made her cry (not balling, but the tears were there-and she's not a cryer, a real tough cookie!). so i told him "don't speak to my child that way", and continued along the lines of '... you've done this before, this time you've made her cry, don't talk to me like i have a tail, yhou don't speak to other people children that way, please watch what what and how you say things to us..'. he, of course, said he didn't know what i was talking about. i ended it by saying let's just get thru this event and be done. hubby came and we helped him clean up - that's how we are, and i thought it was done. i said what i had to say. but hubby knew something happened, and asked so i told him. hubby called the father and spoke with him, basically reiterating what i said, only adding "please don't let it happen again" and fatehr said "or what?". hubby said "just don't let it happen again". we then get an email frm the mother who was not there, saying that we owe them an appology, and if one was not coming, then don't contact them. so i didi't, eventhough i thought breifly about trying to smooth things over because i feel that the father didn't truly represent what actaully happened. and as i considerd the olive branch again, i get a note from her monday afternoon with the money for the hot chocolate hubby had gotten for all us working the event. how petty? but the icing is that they told the classmate (their daughter) that we were bad and mean people and for the girl to stay away from dd. which hurt dd because they are "friends" eventhough there has been issues we've had with the girl that we've had to speak the the teacher about and we had a plan for it.
now fast forward to the inappropriate touching. dd had been telling me/us for months that she doesn't like the way the girl hugs, touches, squeezes her. so i told dd to tell the girl that, and if she doesn't stop then tell the teacher. dd says "but she's my friend and i don't want to get her in trouble". we have been telling her for a while now that friends don't treat each other badly (previous stuff i won't get into.. too long!). but it didn't occur to me to ASK her to SHOW me what the girl does to her til she told us about the girl 'poking' her in the vagina this last monday, right after exchange between her father. so hubby and i were upset that the principal spoke to the girls together, and in the mean time, the girl is now being hostile to dd, we think because the parents told her to stay away from dd. it's like the girl has permission now to act badly. and now dd doesn't want to go to the afterschool program, where she gets to play and she LOVES it, not does she want to go to school. this is MAJOR for dd. she loves school and the sfterschool program. other than that there's no 'change' in dd, and we don't expect any because we recognize that she hasn't made any connections about all this being sexual, and we're leaving it that way. we do talk with her and she knows the difference between good touching and bad touching, which is why i think, she's been trying to tell us. i feel really bad.
hubby and i aren't trying to start any trouble. we love the shcool, the people, the families. we just want the school (principal) to do the right thing and take care of this. what do i mean by that? well, at the very least advise the parents of what's going on, and advise us of what they (school) can and will do about the situation. if the girl had been a boy instead of a girl doing these things, then things would probably be handled differently, whether the 'boy' knew what he was doing or not.
we've asked for a meeting with the principal, the school pastor, and the family, to get things on the table and aired out. was that a good thing? our issue really is with the school's handling of this. well, and the parents to a minor extent, but you can't help it if other people are.... (i'm trying hard to find a nice way to say 'nitwit') different.
** its' wednesday 3/12 and we still haven't heard from the principal about our request from friday for a meeting with the parents and the school pastor. so, we feel what's the point in having a meeting now. so we are going to write a letter to her (the principal), the school pastor, and the diocease (school district headquarters) summarizing the situation and letting everyone know that our request haven't been met, and that we are frustrated and even more concerned at this post, especially for our daughter and the classmate.... what do you all think?? **
hi everyone! well, unfortunately this situation still hasn't got a resolution. hubby and i had asked the principal for a meeting 4 weeks ago last friday, and we have heard nothing from her at all. if you all have heard from her, then we've heard from her - do believe it??!!?!
so hubby and i have written a letter to her (principal), the school diocese superintedant, as well as teh school priest. we have hand delivered the letters to the superintendant and the priest already, and will give it to the principal today. i will keep you all posted. thanks again for all your help! be well :)
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C.C.
answers from
San Francisco
on
My gut reaction is that that other little girl is being abused at home. I really believe most kids that age would not choose to touch their friends on their private parts unless something like that was happening to them. Especially coupled with the child's passive-aggressive behavior otherwise, and the dad's strange behavior. I am shocked that the principal hasn't handled this in a more professional manner. She is REQUIRED BY LAW to report inappropriate touching, whether it is one child to another, or if there is an adult involved. This is not a dispute between children - your daughter was probably scared to tell on this friend, but the incident bothered her enough that she did so. I agree with the other poster who said to call CPS yourself if the school won't do it. Something strange is going on with that family and it should be investigated. If nothing comes of it, well then, they're just a family of odd ducks and at least you did your part to make sure that little girl is not being abused. But it sounds to me like that little girl is acting out for help and her teacher and principal are ignoring her.
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W.M.
answers from
Sacramento
on
A.,
Get that childs address somehow, and call CPS. Do not wait
and be sure to tell them what you suspect and why, have
specifics, or they won't listen. They are not allowed to give out a name when they go to the home, and the school is obviously not doing their job correctly, or it would already be reported. A child of that age would not have a
clue about that type of touching if they did not have that
going on at home or with someone the family knows. Some one has to help her. Sacramento CPS ###-###-####. Good luck!
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B.C.
answers from
San Francisco
on
just after reading the first line i would have to agree that my gut reaction is that this little girl is being abused at home. I wouldn't hesitate calling CPS. The longer you wait the more harm that can be done for this little girl which in turn is affecting your DD. Even if that little girl wasn't abused in her home it sounds like it has happened in the past and rather recent for her to be acting out this way. This story makes me so sad and i wish you all the best. please keep us posted.
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C.D.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Gosh, you are so right, that is very inapropriate touching. My child goes to a Christian Private School in the area as well. We haven't had issues like that but we have has some teachers who basically bully the kids in the way they speak to them. When my son was in the 5th grade I tried to have him moved to a different 5th grade class at the school and all I was told was that this has never happened here before, which never solved our problem. Private schools can be weird in the way they handle things, believe me I've worked for one and I am now working for the local school district (public school). Trust me.... the problem your child is having would definatly be addressed at a public school. My husband and I are going to send my son on to a public high school next year which fortunatly has good ratings and SAT scores. My son has been in private school all his life and we are tired of the wierdness of the whole thing. Not that we aren't Christians because we are, please don't get me wrong. Anyhow, the best of luck to you and your child. I hope this all works out and I hope you remain well and live a long and happy life.
CindyDK3
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S.C.
answers from
San Francisco
on
I agree. It does sound like something is going on in that home. You seem to be handling things right. You are honest and open about this issue. It is important for your daughter too that you take her seriously. You are showing her to be strong and that you don't let harm come her way. I wish you the best.
S.
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D.V.
answers from
San Francisco
on
I am so sorry that you are dealing with such a troubling situation. It sounds like the people involved are not listening to your concerns at all. This is completely unacceptable! I encourage you to trust your instincts and listen to your daughter's words. You both deserve to have your boundaries respected. An opportunity is at hand to set a positive example for your daughter that her boundaries be respected, you are her advocate. You sound like a loving, devoted Mom, trust what your heart is telling you. If those involved are not hearing you and you are unsatisfied with their lack of response, tell them exactly what you want to have happen. "Inappropriate Touching and Bullying" on any level is not acceptable behavior and needs to be addressed. I wish you continued strength as you heal and a satisfying resolution to this difficult situation.
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C.S.
answers from
San Francisco
on
Don't let your love of the school, community, neighborhood cloud your #1 priority of protecting your child. We never know what really goes on in other homes and what other children have been exposed to. Our job is to be our children's advocate wether it feels awkward or not. Nobody can ever fault a parent for doing what they think is right for their kid. Only WE have their BEST interest at heart. Sometimes being nice and hoping others will do their job just isn't enough.
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R.M.
answers from
San Francisco
on
I COMPLETELY agree with Catherine C. below, I can't imagine a six year old touching another child that way unless she was being sexually abused herself. I also agree with Amy below that you should possibly make a Child Protective Service call about this.
It's a difficult position to be in, but if someone is sexually abusing that child someone needs to get involved.
As for your own daughter, she needs to learn how to tell people "NO." You could give her some words to say: "stop touching me", for example, and tell her to move away from someone who is touching her. Literally have her say it out loud to you and practice.
She really needs to practice this to have the words and get the courage to make people leave her alone: I was fondled by a friend of my mother's, and even at age 13 I just sat there and let him do it, even though I knew exactly what he was doing and that I hated it. I was just too scared to tell the pervert to get lost and didn't know how to do it. My mother first became friends with that child molester when I was 8 yrs old, and I can remember him trying to "wrestle" with me and his hands would always end up in my crotch. I didn't know what it was then but I can remember distinctly not liking it.
It later turned out he molested his own daughter.
Anyway, that's another story - main point is teach your daughter the words to use to keep people from doing inappropriate things to her.
