Bullying by Exclusion/Shy Child

I would ask the mom for suggestions and see what she says. How about pull the girl aside to see what she thinks and has to say about it. Maybe she has suggestions too. Also, can you do some team building activities in which they all do a sleepover and do some massive bonding? Or some type of retreat where the girls get away for the day and talk about how to improve team connections. If you google team building games for kids I think you will find a bunch of activities geared at getting kids to connect more as a group. If there is not time to do a sleepover retreat, how about
just a team meeting/pizza party with all the girls to talk about how to strengthen all the bonds in the group.

I was, and still am to some extent that shy, awkward girl. When it came to sports, or anything I felt that I wasn't very good at, I would most always be the one sitting by myself, not engaging with others.

It wasn't until I had enough of it that I decided to actually start talking and making friends. My mother would tell me that in order to make friends, you have to be friendly. That those girls can't read my mind, unless I tell them what is in it.

Once I got a push, I usually came around. Maybe that's what this girl needs, just a little push to get started. I'm not saying you need to be the one pushing her, I think you are doing what you can to get her involved, socially.

I applaud you (loudly!) for the many ways you're working to ensure that girls all get to know each other and don't form cliques within the larger group. The idea of mixing girls up as competition buddies is a good one, as is mixing girls up for exercises. You are doing well. I agree with you that this sounds like an issue of a very shy girl, not like an issue of other girls targeting her for intentional exclusion. I would agree with your definition of what "bullying by exclusion" would mean, and this isn't it.

Did you tell the mom what you told us in your post here - the part about how she always has a partner in stunts, but she hangs back on her own when they have breaks, etc.? See if you can convey that to the mom (and I hope she won't blow up -- but she's already throwing around the term "bullying" which indicates to me she may be readier to blame other kids, or you, than to see that her own child needs to be doing some work here).

Your suggestion about more play dates outside cheer between this girl and other girls is a good one. I would reiterate that with the mom. Does the mom know that you intentionally mix the kids up in so many ways? I would ensure she does know it.

The only other thing I can think of would be to take aside a girl or girls whom you know well and who are particularly mature (and able to avoid telling all the other girls what's going on) and asking that girl or those girls to make an effort to reach out to this shy girl more during breaks at the studio and down times during competitions. If you have a smart, more mature girl who can handle this with sincerity and kindness, it could be a big help.

You sound like you pay careful attention to the dynamics in your group. Good for you!

I think you are doing a lot to help this situation. The other girls are not bullying her. They are not intentionally excluding her, they don't know her. For some reason this girl is too shy to make friends or start up a conversation with the other girls.
I have two ideas:
1) talk to her Mom and tell her she needs to start inviting the girls on the team one at a time to her house for playdates or sleepovers. Or just ask if one would like to go shopping or to a movie with them .
2) talk to one of the more outgoing girls and her Mom and ask this girl to make a point of including the shy girl. Something like 'Patty, you know how shy and quiet Suzy is, could you make a point of including her when you guys talk during breaks?'

how can exclusion be considered Bullying? I think this word is over used and just flogged to death. She is causing the exclusion feeling by not engaging. She is shy, shy people tend to mis-read actual intentions, hence making them shier. You cant do more, because then they will see it as an intrusion and mom wants her kid to feel like she is Pretty Princess Popular. Likely mom was excluded at sometime in her childhood and just doesn't want her child to go through it either. Paying more attention to her will make her more in the spotlight causing her to shrink back more. I think your doing just fine, now how to talk to the mom of said girl, that's the real problem. Just assure her your doing all you can to help.

Here is the thing, well one, I think bullying is overused. Anyway, you are looking at things now and judging that she is self isolating. Well if you don't feel wanted around the group you will self isolate so you are actually looking at the end result of not being accepted into the group, not the reason she is not being accepted.

What I mean is if you look at things after something occurred you don't get an accurate picture of what is going on. It is like looking at a street after rain and saying the street is always wet. It is a logic error.

The girls are girls and I am sure they talk about the things they did outside of the group, so this girl knows she wasn't invited. Sure the kids pair off but is she the last one to pair off? Sorry, but if everyone jumps I want so and so and down the line and the last one is stuck with her that is going to make her not want to participate.

It seems to me you are taking the easy way out and saying it is the girls fault, I don't think it is. I don't think it is anyone's fault. The kids are being kids, you didn't notice, all good, but going forward putting this on the girl and her mom is wrong. They are isolating her so work with your group.

O. year (2nd grade) my son had a boy on his class that felt like this.
He wasn't being "bullied" just not feeling accepted and "part of" the gang.
The teacher asked for my approval to ask my son if he would kind of take him under his wing--ask him to join him at lunch, include him in his group for activities, etc. it worked our great for this particular boy, who is nice as can be--just a little shy and socially awkward.
I don't think the rest of the class was even aware of what was going on.
But it worked!

First of all, it sounds like you are doing a lot of the right things. This child is not taking advantage of the opportunities she has, and feels left out. At this age, it is likely because she doesn't know how to jump in.

Make sure the mother understands that you've heard her concerns, and share with her what you've done to create opportunities. Let her know that you are not seeing deliberate exclusion. Then ask her what she thinks could be done to help her little girl engage. Perhaps offer one of the other older girls in the group (privately) a chance to be the shy girl's mentor and make sure that someone sits with her at break, or overtly invites her to join the group?

Invite the mom to observe at practice. Point out the group bonding opportunities that are there. Ask her to encourage her child to step in instead of hanging back.

One thing that my shy guy son's kindergarten teacher did that helped him a lot was circle talk time. At the end of each class day, the kids passed around the talking stick and told the group one thing, such as what they liked best that day. No kid talked longer than about a minute, and only the kid with the talking stick could talk. A child who did not wish to talk could pass the stick. So choosing not to speak with the group was the child's choice - the opportunity was always there. Anyone who wanted to be heard could be. Perhaps this sort of activity is something you could work into the end of practice occasionally. Do it when the mothers are there, so your shy girl's mom has a chance to see that her child is given a chance to have a voice in the group, and also that her child will not be forced to interact if she doesn't want to.

Ya know, bullying is probably too strong a word here, but you can probably continue to help out without taking full, exclusive responsibility for this problem.

Find a really nice girl (most groups of girls have one or two official sweethearts) and say "Hey Molly, I wondered if you could be Daphne's partner today. Just join her for water break or something like that." Or find the next shyest girl, someone else without a clear social group, and pair them up. My son's preschool did that for him, and I'll be grateful to them until the day I die.

If this girl is just shy and doesn't have any other underlying social issues, it might work for you to really push a couple nice girls to reach out to her. If it doesn't work, well, you tried. Just be clear to the mom that you can encourage the girls to reach out and include her daughter, but you can't guarantee any results.

Please make sure the M. understands what you wrote here or she will set her child up to be bullied later on. The girl should not see herself as bullied and needs help learning to talk to a group of girls. A school counselor could do this for free. I see trouble ahead if she is allowed to be the victim. Later on, when she is being bullied, no one will believe her.

Bullying is about feeling unsafe and targeted in a chronic manner. This child is not being bullied. My guess is that she is shy and not enjoying the experience on your team as a result.

You can't force someone to sit by her, but you can talk with the girls as a whole about being inclusive. You can also speak directly to your team captain's mother and see if she would be willing to have this other girl over for a play date. Be vague, but let her know that you are concerned that she is having a hard time breaking into the group and that you would appreciate the captain's support. If you don't have a captain (they are pretty young so you may not), the talk with one or two of the other moms privately and see if you can encourage them to have their daughters reach out to this child.

I recall my mother having this conversation with me in 4th grade about a new girl in our class (mid-year transfers were nearly unheard of). None of us were deliberately excluding her, but we had all been together since Kindergarten in a small private school so the cliques were already formed. The teacher asked my mom (she was the room mother) if we could arrange a small sleepover for this girl to get to know some other girls in the class outside of school. We did and it worked. Having 3 girls + the new girl go bowling and out for pizza was truly a solution.

Don't know if you're in a position to recommend a book for the mom but here's a suggestion. Elaine Aron, 'The Highly Sensitive Person.'

J.

I'm sorry, this is not bullying at all! The mom of this girl is doing her a huge disservice by complaining and not getting to the actual problem. Shyness can come across as snobbery, unfortunately, and if there's a weird, insecure, cold vibe, no one is going to beg you to associate with them. The only way she will feel included is by making more of an effort to be friendly. She needs to be encouraged to break out of her shell. You can't force adults to be friends, and you can't force kids to be friends. When you're shy as an adult, no one makes special arrangements for you, you just have to deal with it. It's a part of life.

The girl may be using "bullying" as an excuse, because either she is shy and afraid to approach to make friends, or she may even not want to make friends. I had an immigrant woman and her daughter move in with me. The girl, in sixth grade, never had friends, and I encouraged her to ask classmates over to the house, or plan to do things outside of school. Her mom said that her classmates were prejudiced toward her, because she was an immigrant. But I had been to the school, to an open house, and I found that more than half of the kids, in her class, were from many various other countries! I knew a nice girl, a few doors down, and asked her over for a visit. The visitor was polite, friendly, and not aggressive, but my girl refused to even try to keep a conversation with her. They moved out at the end of the school year, to --well I don't know where. But happy ending to the story: the girl won a full scholarship to an eastern university, and is now a practicing doctor!

Her mom needs to quit using that word because her daughter is not being "bullied." It appears to me that her daughter is the one not making any effort. I understand that she's shy and I could totally see myself being like that, lagging behind because I didn't feel "part of," but she (the child) has to recognize HER part in that. She can't expect others to go out of their way to include her when she doesn't act like she wants to be included.

I would suggest to the other mom that perhaps a team sleepover at her house might help.

Sounds like this is not a place where she really wants to be. Might be time for her to try something else. She certainly is not being bullied. She is just not happy there.

Well you seem very helpful to that Mom and earnest in your attempts at trying to understand her concern and trying to alleviate it for her and her daughter.
Perhaps, you can have the girl see the school Counselor? And to work on her social skills.
To me, this isn't only about her being "shy".... but the girl does not seem socially mature or adept.
My kids were shy when younger. But they didn't act like that girl and
So withdrawn.

The School Counselor should be told and the girl see the Counselor.
At my kids' school, they help all kinds of kids even with social issues.

And, the girl's Mom, does not seem really helpful to her daughter, as well. But just lets her be a "victim."
And lets her be unhappy.