Daughters Friend Issues

I used to tell my daughter that she needed to broaden her horizons and find a different friend to play with at recess. You can't just play with the same 3 kids all year. So - she would find a new friend one day and play with her. The next day she would either play with the new friend or find another. Sometimes, she'd bring the new friend and they'd ask another girl they didn't know well to play. It worked. Now she knows everyone. This is not to say that she is best friends with all of them, but they all remember that she asked them to play at recess. They all remember that she was kind and sweet and inclusive.
YMMV
LBC

We've gone through many friend issues over the years and it's so hard because you want to see your child happy but you can't go there yourself and fix it!

We help by "playacting" the different situations and we try to let her come up with solutions. We guide her to the right solutions, but we don't tell her what to do.

First you have to find out what's going on. Sometimes you have to drag it out of them, but you'll know when you have it all. Sometimes at first you'll get the "they're doing everything to me and I'm just a victim" version but keep gently asking and eventually you'll get the truth. Rarely is you child a complete victim, although girls can be very mean.

Then we playact the situation with different solutions. Usually we start with dolls like Barbie dolls and we often give the Barbie dolls different names than the names of the girls and my daughter. I think this helps the child to separate themselves from the issue. We playact the situation and come up with solutions and act them out until we come up with something that works and that is comfortable for our daughter. Then we switch it up and the Barbie dolls are the actual girls, and my daughter is the Barbie doll that is her. We play the other girls and she handles the situation with the new solution. Sometimes we have to let her be the mean girls first and we are the doll that is her so she can see how it works.

Once she has that down then we playact without the dolls. She is herself and we are the mean girls. We'll start easy, but we gradually get tougher and tougher. It's her job to do the solution we came up with. In the case of a bully at school, we had her practice ignoring the bully, and then if the bully got physical she was to stand up, say "NO!" really loud and then go get the teacher.

It quickly turns into a game, which is fine. It always ends in laughter. You know you're done when your daughter seems relaxed about it.

The funny thing is, we've had to do many scenerios over the years for different situations and after we did the playacting the situation has never come up again where she even had to use what we practiced! Even things that were going on for weeks! It's like it gave her confidence that the bullies or mean girls could see and they just didn't try it. I think it's kind of like learning martial arts, sometimes after you learn it you never have to use it!

This has always worked for us. Even for situations where girls are fighting because they just want to do their own thing.

Good luck!

I think that you need to further explore this idea that these girls are just doing their "own thing". IMO there is a good chance they are excluding her on purpose-thats how little girls roll. Email or call the teacher and ask her if she has noticed anything odd. I would also have her or whomever monitors recess look into this. Exclusion is a form of bullying and bullying MUST be nipped in the bud. If this were to happen at our school all of the girls would be invited to eat lunch with our guidance counselor who would in a round about way, through games and discussion, get to the bottom of this matter and work to solve it. Your daughter is quite young still-she cannot be expected to advocate for herself here.

This might be harsh......But I would tell my daughter that if someone doesn't want to play with you, then they probably aren't worth playing with. If they want to be mean and nasty and leave you out, then go find someone nice and fun to play with. Don't fall into the "sheeps" roll, the "poor me". YOU make your day, YOU decide how YOU feel. Don't let anyone else bring you down.
My daughter is 6 yrs old in first grade. She plays with everyone - boys, girls, whoever. And sometimes when I ask her what she did at recess, she says she just played by herself on the monkey bars doing flips - and she was happy about it.

Hello, It is so hard to see a child who feels that they have been excluded. It is possible that the girl know exactly what they are doing. However, this might be a good time to suggest that she might make some new friends. There may be another child who needs a friend. Maybe you could volunteer at her class (even for just a day) and then you might see what is going on and you might be able to see if there is another child who is need of a friend.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.

I completely agree with playacting or role-playing; however I think these girls are not necessarily bullying or excluding her on purpose. It sounds like they are just "doing their own thing," and your daughter needs to learn to seek out new friends in times like that.

It's hard to see your child emotionally hurt, but she will survive this and learn from it.

Hi M.,
You should definitely talk with Samantha Blank with Social Coaching Club, where they teach kids (and parents) important social skills. They offer group classes, as well as private sessions. Here's more info:

Samantha Blank
Social Coaching Club
____@____.com
###-###-####
http://www.socialcoachingclub.com/

i totally agree with the advice to role-play with her, and to encourage her to broaden her range of friends. it's much less painful to be rejected from one group if one has a selection of other places to go.
this is so hard. i feel for both of you. remaining calm, helpful and objective is almost impossible when we see our kids in pain. but i applaud the way you're handling it, empowering your own child rather than trying to *fix* the others.
khairete
S.

Hi M.,

I am so sorry that your daughter is going through this right now. It's always tough to see your kids excluded, whether purposefully or not.

If you are at the school enough to know some of the other girls in her class, are you comfortable scheduling a play date after school or on the weekend? It would be the best way for your daughter to get to know other kids.

I hope the situation improves for your sweet little girl and that she'll soon be finding more kids to play with. Hang in there, M.!

Take care,
L.

I would pursue inviting some other girls in her class or in her school over for playdates, or out to get together, or ask someone else to sign up for an activity together, etc. Help her break the ice with some new friends. I hate to say it, but maybe these girls really aren't very nice, and your daughter should see that she can have success pursuing better friendships instead of crying over the mean girls. Even if they aren't really mean, it always helps girls to widen their circle of friends.

As a helper in my son's 1st grade class, ghirls can be very mean. yes, already. individually they ae fine. But, when they are in a pack they are exclusive and bitchy. I suggest you figure out who the "leaders" are, and stear your daughter to the other girls that get excluded. then she'll have real friends.