Negative BFF Hampers 5 Yr Old Girl's Social Life

Well, you can't control who else anyone invites to their home, but you don't have to go now that you know she'll be there too.
Just tell the "sister mom" that you can't make it after all but you'd like to have her girls over to play on a particular day/time.
My guess is that other moms feel the same way about this little monster-child! And her mom's "pivotal" position won't help her in the long run.
If it makes you feel any better--there's O. in every neighborhood--got 'em here too!

I had a similar situation come up with my 5 year old daughter and her "BFF" Hannah. The mom joined my parenting group and we really enjoyed each other's company. The girls played well together UNLESS there were other children around. Hannah enjoyed either excluding the other kids or excluding my daughter. They were on the same cheerleading team in the same gymnastics class and more than one time the coach told myself and the other mom that Hannah was telling the other kids they could not play with my daughter. He immediately intervened. When it happened and I was around, I did the same, telling the kids that 'No one was to be excluded ; all the kids needed to play TOGETHER and nicely.' Because it was her daughter that was doing this, the other mom did not feel it was unusual or mean behavior.

Around that time my group sponsored a "Bully Seminar" and it was very informative. The kids learned about bullying on a level they could understand and the parents also had a separate discussion. I learned several things, including that the type of behavior Hannah was exhibiting was bullying and that it was likely to get worse unless my daughter started standing up for herself. In fact, after attending the seminar my daughter actually realized on her own that Hannah was being a bully to her by excluding her and being mean to her when other kids were around. She spoke up for herself and there were several occasions when Hannah wanted to play and my daughter told her that 'Since she had excluded her and did not want to play with her a few days prior, she did not want to play with her now.' I am glad my daughter realized what was happening. After my daughter spoke up for herself a few times, Hannah was much less interested in playing with her, which was fine with me. Like I said, I really enjoyed the mom's company BUT my enjoyment was not going to happen at my daughter's expense. Hannah went to a different school (though her mother nearly chose my daughter's school...thank goodness she did not).

I don't agree that this is "normal" behavior. Some kids are just naturally mean and if it goes unchecked they get worse. The most important part is to help your daughter learn how to deal with bullying at a young age so that she does not grow to believe that it is "normal" behavior. If she does, it might end up affecting the way she views herself. Another thing we learned at the seminar is that if a child has a sport or activity they identify with and feel good about (they mentioned karate and soccer but obviously there are many) they are much less likely to be "targeted" and affected by bullying. I know a number of adults who were bullied as children and it STILL bothers them after 20 years or more. Don't let it happen to your daughter!! You are her best advocate!

The good thing is that your daughter will be in kindergarten next year and hopefully her and BFF will have different teachers. This will give her the opportunity to develop new friendships and develop some assertiveness skills hopefully. I've had a similar situation play out with my daughter a year or two ago, very much like your own, and the way I dealt with it was to -- in a very low key manner -- offer my daughter suggestions on how to advocate for herself when the other girls were not behaving themselves and really encourage my daughter to form new friendships.

Hope this helps.

Maybe u are in that group to help transform her daughter. I'd definitely keep a hawk eye on that little girl n address her misbehaving towards ur daughter n keep from harm. At that age a lot of training should occur--sorry the predicament--just know while that child is around you'll have to be less social n more alert to the children playing n getting them to play fair n coroporating with all kids. Eventually you'll connect with others---relationships take time-- months to years. When an adult is presence bullying usually doesn't occur--the power resides with the adult in charge not the child in charge.

First off, when the girls start school, your daughter will automatically be in a position to meet some new friends and to spend time with them that isn't being run by this other little girl.

In the meantime, have these other girls over for some playdates at YOUR house- then you control who to invite. If the subject comes up at all, with the BFF' mom or any other mom, just say something like " Oh, my daughter and Susie are BFFs and spend so much time together! I just want her to get used to playing with some other kids before school starts." Or you could say " My daughter has really wanted to get to know your child better- I just thought a one- on-one playdate would give them a better chance to make friends this time."

This kind of drama is JUST STARTING, so don't get too worked up about it. The 'BFF game' will only get worse all through grade school. Give your child opportunities to bond with other kids and gradually she will just increase her circle of friends. It just happens- neither you or the BFF's mom should feel awkward about it.

I would go up to the school this summer and ask to speak to the principal. I would request, confidentially, that the 2 girls not be in the same class. The principal should be open to this request (as opposed to the opposite where friends be put together.) I would not mention this to any other mom or your daughter...just be surprised that they are not together. Then your daughter can develop her own path in the classroom with other girls and you can set up playdates, etc. I would take a proactive role....you know your child best and her well-being is your #1 priority.

OK so this is like the third or fourth blog that I have read regarding this type of situation....thinking back I think I was a pretty awkward kid.......barbie meant nothing to me....yet I was all for Dukes of Hazard....lol......I wasn't that accepted BUT my mom (rip) and dad taught me self-confidence.....a lot of it......so if other children did not want to play with me, I DIDN'T GIVE A HOOT.....I had friends as I got older but my life and development did not depend on them......that self-confidence also taught me not to take garbage FROM ANYONE in my age realm.......I was always respectful to adults......now I am not saying that I was a common kid but I am saying that teaching your children self-confidence is HUGE......humility and self-confidence can be taught together.....I came from poor parents and learned to appreciate everything that I had......children are a reflection of who we are......teach your kid to be strong because this is only the calm before the storm...........

Well, I think at age 5 there is still a lot of social education that both your daughter and her friend still have to learn. To me, the BFF is in a phase and needs guidance. Your daughter needs guidance also, in that her self-confidence is lacking. However, to routinely exclude a 5 yo child from a playdate seems excessive.

There are numerous books on helping children avoid bullying. I would suggest you research them, perhaps even start a dialogue with *all your mom friends* (without identifying any of the children you have concerns about) about having the girls focus in on learning to identify bullying behavior and how to respond to it prior to kindergarten starting. (There are 3 participants in the bully scenario: the bully, the victim, and the witness.)

Hey mama - Sounds like now is the time to teach your daughter to have a voice! She needs to speak up to this other little girl when she is treating her rudely or unfairly. She will be starting Kindergarten soon, and girls are BOSSY!! So, if they are doing something she doesn't want to do then I would let her know that she doesn't HAVE to do anything she doesn't want to do!
I have a very good friend, love her to death, but I had to have a talk with her a couple of years ago about not getting together with her and her son anymore. He was aggressive and rude to my boys and it wasn't fun for anyone involved to be together. I know I didn't say it like that, but got the point accross. For two years we were good friends, on the phone. Now, we get the boys together and they do great!! She and I have been friends for 10 years, and I wouldn't give up that friendship.
You do want to keep this friendship, especially since she seems to know everyone. Unfortunately women are quite snarky (I probably am too!) so if you cut off the social butterfly you may be ostrasized (sp?), which could just be a lot of problems in the long run.
Kindy is a big step for a lot of kids. It's figuring out how to get along with other children and social graces. Your daughter just needs to know that it's okay for her to stick up for herself. Once she is in school you wont be there to watch everything so she needs to have that voice! good luck mama
L.

I think the first thing I would do if this were happening to me and my daughter would be to stop referring to the other little girl as your daughter's "BFF". I would explain to my daughter that perhaps there are other girls out there who may become her BFF when school starts. Maybe use that to help get her excited about starting school and making new friends too.

It also tells others in your social circle that you no longer think of the child as a "BFF" (if the mom gets it). Being direct about your concerns with the mom is always beneficial too as a previous poster already mentioned.

I think starting school will help ya'll in making friendships outside of the groups that include this other child. Also, what you could do is to set up play dates with other children where you are the one inviting and there isn't so much of a chance the social mom/child will be included. She doesn't ALWAYS have to be included after all.

Take the initiative and plan things without her (if possible). I know that may feel wierd because it sounds like a tight knit group but maybe you could do it away from your home .....say at the mall play area or something that would separate the activity as well.

Of course, I'm all for teaching your daughter to take up for herself. But while that is happening, you could forge new friendships elsewhere at the same time. School should help with that too.

Hang in there a few more weeks and maybe it will get easier!! School is just around the corner.

Try talking to BFF's mom, explaining the situation to her in a way that will make her start paying attention to the actions of her daughter. It's unfortunate that this little girl is imitating her mom in the negative since, and that her mom is too focused on herself to notice.

Have you found a church home that they DO NOT attend? This will also provide an avenue for new friends, even for you.

KA, Carrollton

Communication and honesty! Talk to the "BFF's mom" about some of your concerns, and maybe she can talk to her daughter. But try to take some of the emotion out of it if you can - these are 5-6 year old girls, and this is very normal behavior. Teach your daughter to have her own voice, and try not to be so sensitive. If this is a huge problem for you now, just wait until these girls are 12! Then they really get caddy! I agree with the post below - try not to overthink this. This is all part of growing up and forming their little personalities. Good luck!