My oldest son is 14. He babysits our 4 year old at home for a couple hours in the mornings until hubby gets home from work. He has been "going out" with a girl from school for 3 months. Basically they text and/or talk on the phone and once or twice she has come to our house for dinner.
Condensed story is he asked my hubby and my advice this saturday on how to handle that she told him she liked another boy and even gave him reasons but then still says she loves my son. He is heart broken and we advised that he finalize the break up and move on. He was distraught all day, we finally let him use his phone again yesterday and they talked. She is mad at him for reacting how he did etc, etc.
This morning I specifically said he was not to talk or text with her today while babysitting as his attention needs to be focused on his brother. About an hour ago I notice his facebook account says his is in a relationship with her again. So I pull up the cell phone records and there is a 2hr+ phone call to her at 9 AM this morning!! I called him and lost it, yelled and told him his cell phone is lost as punishment.
I am upset about 2 things...the obvious blatant lying and disregard for what he was told. Also his lack of self worth in going back to this girl. There were alot of hurtfull things she said to him, even things she told other people who then bullied him on FB calling him p**** etc. and all he says is she didn't mean it and she make him happy...????? he sounds like an abused person, making excuses as to why things are his fault and she didnt mean it etc. Not to mention they are only 14!!!! He starts High School in 2 weeks and I worry about him tarnishing his reputation at the beginning, not to mention his own feelings and self esteem. I just don't know if I turn my head and let him screw this up and face whatever embarasment etc may come from it or do I lay down the law and stop him from any communication and risk him blaming me for his unhappiness???
Ahhhh! so not ready for years of this!
For those of you who can read and especially those who can understand that I can not lay out every aspect of this situation only bullet points..THANK YOU for your input!
For those of you who read only pieces and felt the need to bash and list your credentials, congratulations on perfect parenting! You and Your children should write books on how it was to be raised in the perfect way.
In regards to one moms comment about the rule of no phone calls and/or texting while babysitting being ridiculous....He is paid just the same as an adult sitter for baby sitting, makes over $100 a week and I expect him to do his job during those hours. Just as another mom said in support, HS kids need to learn that responsibility just as adults have that you are not to be texting or on the phone with personal calls while you are working. It is a long standing rule that has always been in place which he chose to break. Yes he has a 14 year old brain but he also knows right from wrong and knew that being on the phone was not right.
His cell phone priveledges have been restricted to only mom or dad for 5 days. This is consequence for using the phone during work and then subsequently lying when asked.
Thanks again for your support and input!
He's a kid, definitely not ready for dating.
Just set him down and explain to him how relationships do this now and then. Girls are flaky... and he doesnt need to get all wrapped up with one girl.
Change his dating age to at least 16, using this as an example why.
It's all puppylove and not to be taken so seriously.
it's kinda hard to shut the barn door...after the animals have escaped. & that's what's happened in your case. You allowed dating at an early age & now....you really can't take back that freedom.
Baloney like this happens all the time. Kids learn from it. Moms learn to stay out of it. & I honestly believe you are waaaay toooo emotional over the entire event. I know, I know...easy for me to say....when I'm not the one dealing with it. :)
But, been there, done that. & you know, I was on your side until I read your rant/rave. Please don't say any of those things to him! He's not scarred for life, he's not abused.....until you put those thoughts/emotions in his little world.
As for the phone & breaking your trust....that is an offense which can be punishable. Anything beyond that will chase him away....& out the door. Be very careful, Mama.... He's entitled to his emotions, he's entitled to his mistakes. Allow him the freedom to learn from them....on his own. :)
Get out of his social life. He will make mistakes; he will get hurt. It's part of growing up. Unless it is a dangerous situation or he asks for advice, get out of his social life!
And if he does ask for advice give it, but don't get angry if he doesn't take it. This is his life; you can't live it for him; and you poking your nose in trying to make sure he doesn't get hurt is not going to be of any benefit to him. He has to get hurt to learn; we all have been hurt and hopefully learned something and won't repeat the same mistake. Don't do him out of those valuable life lessons!
Yes, please stay out of his social life except to be there for him to come to you when he needs you. Now, as far as the babysitting situation goes, I'm on your side. If you said no phone during that time because of his responsibilities to his brother, then taking it away is an appropriate punishment. But don't bad talk his girlfriends, don't get involved in his friendships, and don't worry about his "reputation", whatever that means. Part of growing up is taking responsibility for all of that yourself, and you will only drive him away from you by getting too involved.
Ah, we have been here - about 7 months ago. My son's first girlfriend - it lasted 5 months - she broke up with him once to see another boy - he took her back - she dumped him 3 months later.
He was 15.
He was heartbroken.
All of it played out very publicly in school and on FB.
He did not get a bad reputation from it. In fact, most mutual friends supported him. Um, kids he didn't even know supported him.
There is less embarrassment than you realize - this is high school. Teens are crazy and emotional and couples pair up and break up daily. This is, unfortunately, normal for them.
You let the genie out of the bottle when you let him get a girlfriend. Now, you need to support him and help him navigate his way through. You cannot do this by forbidding him from seeing the girl - no quicker way to make him dig in his heels and continue dating her long after he wants to.
You don't turn your head away either. You keep an open line of communication with him and you begin by telling him you were wrong to forbid him to contact her. Yup, suck it up.
Oh, you definitely tell him that 2 hours phone calls to anyone are forbidden when he is babysitting and punish him for that, but you do not forbid contact with her. It is pointless and will create resentment between you and your son. And your relationship with your son will last much longer than his relationship with this girl.
Instead you talk to him about dating - tell him anecdotal stories about your dating life. You know, "So I dated this guy once, and he.... boy, that made me feel.....so I broke up (married, whatever) him."
Lead by example - teach him how to be in a relationship and how to handled this new phase of his life.
Set ground rules and limits, like you do with other activities, but give him some headway on this.
It is soooo not easy - but our parents made it through it and so will we.
WOW, 14 starts that really weird awkward time when boys start pushing the boundaries and hormones start raging and well, they're crazy.
I first think you should understand that if you give him access to a phone, he's going to use it. LOL Its a kids job to push, yours to stand true regardless of how disappointing it is. He's in love. It's as real as your love is even if it looks at surface like it's nothing, to him its life.
This girl is bad news and yanno what, you're gonna have to allow this relationship to run it's course. The more you push, the more he'll run toward her. You can only let him know (AND IN AN UNDERSTANDING MANNER) that you want more for him. That he deserves someone NOT to make him feel less than and that you love him. And then keep tabs on them. Listen when he talks. All the preaching in the world isn't going to fix it and it'll tell him that he can't trust you with what's going on.
Let me just say it SUCKS when they hurt and nothing you do seems right. And I can tell you that it won't be the last time his heart gets broken. But I will tell you it will get better (at around 19 or 20).
I've learned in my 23 yrs of parenting to pick your battles. Worry about things WHEN they happen. Keep lines of communication open.
And I'm sending good thoughts (and a margarita) your way.
My son turns 14 this week. So glad we are not into all that drama.....yet.
He is going to get his heart broken too... he is SOOOO sweet and sensitive. I hope I can keep my MamaBear claws in check. That is what you need to do also. You cannot dictate to him whether he can "like" her or stay involved with her.
You can take away his phone. You can restrict him from using a landline. But you can't really make him not talk to her at school in 3 weeks. Or sit with her or talk to her in the halls...
He will make his way in the world Mama. He will figure it out.
You can talk to him about relationships and give advice, and ask him what if type questions.. but you really can't dictate to him that he can't talk to her.
(please remind me of all this, when I am on here in the future posting about my poor son's broken heart---because I know it will be coming).
You also can punish for disobedience regarding the 2+hour phone call, when he was supposed to be watching his brother. Just be cautious here too. You don't know what he was actually doing. He could have been on the phone with her literally watching his brother (as he watched TV/movie or played on the floor with toys).
But be careful with the discipline and direct it at what you should: his lack of maturity in the responsibility of watching his brother.
Good luck.
Ditto Cheryl.
You start forbidding a certain person it will make him run toward her more.
He's 14, he's learning. Keep your lines of communication wide open so he hopefully comes to you with issues vs elsewhere.
Teens are a hard age if you have no basic communication or respect.
Best wishes
ETA.... I have a 17 yr old daughter in an on/off again relationship with her first love. It's been going on over a year, we never thought it would last. The main thing we do not do is make negative remarks toward him to her. She knows in her heart it won't be forever. Shes expressed this to me. They are from opposite spectrums of family stability, success, goals, etc. daughter is getting a hard lesson right now because her bf parents have screwed him and he is responsible for everything involving his expenses. He longs to get out of the house and she sees how hard he has it. Yes, I feed him nightly at our dinners and give advice to him when he asks.
Don't forbid it because if you do it will get worse.
Okay - take a REALLY deep breath. let it out slowly....now deep breath again...
My son is 12 - he had his heart broke by a girl at the beginning of the summer. She went to a different school and met at a mutual friend's birthday party...she was WAR dialing him daily - if he didn't pick up or text her back - it was a mortal sin. I told him the rules of the cell phone us. He asked me to take he and his brother to "her" pool so we did. She ignored him. I was NOT happy. But I did NOT interfere.
About 1 month later - she tells him at another pool party (our town has Association pools and do cook outs and popcorn and movie nights at the pool) and on the movie night told him that "she had to break up with him because she really didn't like him." She said this in front of all of his friends and brother. He was devastated. Luckily - his brother and friends said 'you don't need her anyway' - but he still cried in my arms when we got home.
So - here's the deal.
Set the rules for cell phone usage and the consequences of breaking those rules.
Then let him COME TO YOU - don't ride him - it will only make him want to hide things from you. Let him know that you WANT to trust him - you WILL check phone records to ensure he's following the rules - but you WANT him to stand up for himself and not allow ANYONE to treat him poorly. You can't live his life for him nor can you lead it.
GOOD LUCK!!
If I were you, I'd get him a counselor who works with teens. He DOES need to learn to stand up for himself. She's a real beotch and he doesn't seem to know the difference in this and a girlfriend.
If he is working with a MALE counselor, I think it would help his self-esteem. Meanwhile, don't budge on the cell phone time-out. You ARE paying him for watching his sibling, right?
As far as this girlfriend is concerned, she is the one probably keeping him on the phone because she has no consequences for calling him. She doesn't give a hoot about getting him in trouble. If I were you, I would call her mother and ask her mother to tell her that mornings are off limits for talking on the phone for your son because he is supposed to be taking care of his sibling. You would appreciate it if she would let her daughter know. And tell her thanks for her help in the matter - you surely do appreciate her.
I really believe that a counselor would be very helpful to your son.
Dawn
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I second the advice on staying out of his social life, be there for him to talk to but don't criticize his on again/off again gf. It really will be evident to all the other kids at school that she is a user and she will get the bad rep, not your son (unless he stoops to her level and starts the fb name calling, that'll be a warning to other girls).
I would simply address the phone while babysitting issue. You have a 14 yr old son that is getting up before noon during the summer to babysit, is he being paid? If he is, inform him there will be be NO pay for the day he was busted on the phone. Do you guys still have a land line for emergencies? If so, he doesn't need the cell until his dad comes home. The up side of him being 14 is that you can still control most of the physical possessions he calls his own, so use that weapon to make sure he is concentrating on the 4 yr old. If you are not paying him, considering doing so, he may take it more seriously as a "job" if he is being compensated.
Laura A. said it all. Please listen to her.
