Teenage "Going Out"

Try to calm down. At this age, they tend to go out in groups and pair off
but basically they are all friends. Supervision is a definite. It has only
just begun LOL. Good luck.

Friends?
No problem.
Pen pals?
Also no problem.
Dating girlfriend and boyfriend - at 13?
No.
They don't even get a learners permit for a few years yet and even then do you think they should be driving back and forth to see each other?
It might take a few more years on top of that.
Long distance relationships are tough enough on grownups.
It's practically impossible for teens to work things out.
I'm a bit suspicious that he got Grandma to keep you out of the loop on this.
Sneaking is not a great way to be building trust between you.

.

Since neither of them can drive, and you have access to all their online accounts and texts (don't you?) then what is the harm in exploring their first boy/girl relationship? That's what "dating" in all forms is, is learning about themselves and how to be in a relationship. Keep the communications open and be there to listen. Set ground rules and limits and enforce them. Then enjoy this new phase in your child's maturity!

"Going out" is pretty much the norm in our middle school. Our rules are as follows:

1) We have access to FB, e-mail, and phones. If the kids are putting it in writing, we can and will see it. If we see something inappropriate, we will not only address it with our child, but will call the parents of the other child and let them know too. This rule alone wards off a lot of untoward conversations. 99% of "going out" is via FB and text anyway with very little interaction in real life.

2) No "dates." The kids can meet up with a group of friends to hang out under the same rules we use for friends, but we're a little more vigilant. If they are hanging out with a group of kids at another kid's house, we'll let the parents know that our child and so-and-so are "going out" so to keep an eye on them.

3) Gifts are kept to a minimum and are only for reasons the kids would get a friend a present (birthdays, bar/bat mitzvahs). No valentine's gifts, etc.

4) Absolutely no being alone together with our knowledge - our kids can't close their bedroom doors with friends over anyway, but any opposite gender pals have to stay in a common area and are not allowed into bedrooms, open doors or not.

Basically, kids this age are going to "go out" whether or not you allow it. You can either go with the flow and set appropriate boundaries, keep open the lines of communication and help them navigate dating minefields and keep these "relationships" in perspective, or you can say no and he'll just do it in secret anyway. Allowing your son to have a girlfriend with your knowledge doesn't meant that you have to take these "relationships" seriously or give your stamp of approval - whenever one of our older kids "breaks up" with someone I'm not shy about how happy it makes me and how much I wish they would just ignore the whole dating scene for a few more years.

I think this is a normal age and a distance relationship is not a bad thing, honestly what I would be upset with is the lack of communication to you. What I think you should do now is arrange for your families to have a meal together, brunch, lunch, dinner whatever and meet and see what they think too. My first bf was when I was 14 and he lived 40 min across town and my mom and his mom took turns on the weekends taking us to the skating rink or bowling alley or movies etc. It was a good learning experience on how to interact in a relationship, at least on my side since my mom talked me thru the relationship and what should go on and ask me what I expect to have happen. I think this could be good as long as you approach it as a teaching relationship because soon he will be on his own (gasp! the thought). So, I say go with it but be involved.

Let it happen, especially since they are so far apart, you can monitor the relationship.

My kids rule will be they can go 'out' when they are 16 and they can single date when they are 18.

At this age, they can hang out in groups and talk on fb and such, but I would still encourage him to not dedicate all his time to her.

I don't think you are a freaked out mom. :) I agree with you. They are way too young. Our children don't actually date. They are too busy with school and family to have time to date. We think that dating is divorce training. You know, build a close relationship, break up, get really hurt, get over it (sort of), and do it all over again. Eventually, you think this is the way of relationships, and carry it into a real marriage. Add to that the common practice of sex in these relationships and you have a recipe for disaster for a person. So, we fellowship together with families. The children (of all ages) have fun together doing various things (hiking, playing games, talking, singing, hockey, basketball, etc.), parents participate or just hang out together and talk, and we all have a wonderful time without the added stress of "boyfriend/girlfriend" drama. We constantly have people at our house, whole families (we just had a family of 9 here for about a week who left this morning), and we have so much fun. When the children are truly ready for marriage, financially for the young men, maturity wise, etc. then they start to think about those things seriously. (of course they are thinking about it before then, but more in a "how do I get prepared for that" sense). They are content, happy, have great relationships with us (my oldest is 19, and I have 5 more following after him), communicate with us, etc. We don't have broody teens, bad attitudes, etc. They are totally on board with it. Besides, dating also feeds a selfish desire (what is that person giving to me that I think I want or need). It seldom is borne about because of what a person wants to do or be for someone else. In marriage, if you have that attitude, your marriage will suffer and be on the road to destruction. You see it all over the place. So, I would not recommend the practice marriage/divorce. My kids are way too important to me to do that. I don't know if you are married or not, but what does your husband/their father think of this whole thing?

I don't see any harm. I had my first "boyfriend" and first kiss when I was 12. Our parents would drop us off at the movies for a date, or we'd go to one another's house, as L. as parents were there to supervise.

I also think this is a good time to discuss sexual relationships (more than just intercourse) and be sure your son feels comfortable talking to you about it, knows the dangers, etc. The fact is, middle schoolers are engaging in sexual activity because "everyone else is" and there is a HUGE misconception about oral sex being completely safe.

Sounds sweet and innocent to me!

I'm surprised at both your mom & her Christian parents who didn't run it by you first... Now having said that, it is good to be involved in your son's "going outness" because he is ONLY13. I think I would come up with some rules & a gameplan (for future meetups) with her parents about what you are comfortable with in the future. I would let them know that I would have been happier if I had been included in the meetup.

i'm not sure what's to be freaked out about. they had a supervised 'hang-out' session at an ice cream shop.
pretty tame.
i think that freaking out about this is just asking for trouble. their 'dating' sounds very sweet and innocent, and he's being completely upfront with you about it.
sounds like you have a good kid.
trust your kid.
you can be involved and supervise. but there's really no need to forbid and veto.
khairete
S.

I think it depends on the type of kid u have. My 14 yo daughter was "going out" with a boy @ school for 3 weeks. This consisted of walking to a class together 3 times a week & sitting together @lunch a few times. He asked her out & they talked on the phone 4-5 times over spring break. They held hands once but when it came time for 8th grade formal, my daughter didn't want to go with or meet up with a date. She went with friends. After she saw other "couples" together at the dance, she decided it was too much pressure. She eventually admitted that she agreed to go out because they were friends & she didn't want to hurt his feelings. My daughter has very limited interest in boys, she knows they exsist but would rather play her DS or with legos than hang out with a Guy. I was aware of this so I let it Play out. If you think it will be more serious than you're comfortable with then say no or possibly set strick guidelines to help keep things in line. Good luck

if they are supervised I think it is OK. I think you are freaked out because you didn't get the opportunity to take him yourself, and meet the other family. That is a bummer but I wouldn't be too mad about it. Maybe you can chaperone the next time.

Ummmm, I am suprised HER mom didn't request that she meet you immediately! That seems odd to me----I would go meet the parents and lay some rules for the kids. What may seem innocent now, can quickly spiral out of control without some adult guidance. They may have the best intentions, but please make sure your son is fully aware of all the reprocussions if he were to take this further and have a physical and or sexual relationship with her. Peer pressure is really hard at this age----you need to guide this very carefully. Best wishes!!!

Molly

Hi, T.

Tell him emphatically, NO!

When he has a job, pays his insurance, buys his car, pays for the gas, and pays rent, he can be a boyfriend to a girl wherever he wants.

Good luck.
D.

I agree you're being a "freaked out mom", but that's not a bad thing. I would be very upset that no one shared their activity with you, but I would not be upset about the activity.

When my 13 1/2 year old daughter announced that she was going out, I decided to support it rather than fight it. I allowed him over to the house (when I was home) and to attend events (mostly her concerts with us). She soon grew bored with the whole "going out" issue, and discovered for herself being friends was much better.

You aren't a freaked out mom....parents need to be WAY WAY WAY more involved with their teenagers' friendships and relationships. I wouldn't let them hang out unchaperoned. Age 13 is really young to be "dating". They don't have the knowledge or experience to make good choices, even if they are good kids. Let them remain good friends and plan activities togethers (with some parents and even better, other friends included) but also encourage him to spend time with LOTS of friends who are girls at this age.

Well, you are in better shape than some considering they are 40 miles away! That is good. It seems innocent, and they both seem like kids with good heads on their shoulders. It is a natural thing, and even though we do not like it, we have to let them grow up and experience things on their own. Its part of life. Good Luck!! I know what you are going through!!