Can Family Really Break up a Happy Home?

well, you don't actually have to move. you just have to learn to have firm, loving boundaries and develop a 'no' that you mean.
if you can't do that without moving, then yes, you have to move.
khairete
S.

"can family really break up a happy home?"

Yes, If you let them.

Maybe by moving back you can distance yourself both geographically and emotionally so you can focus on repairing your relationship.

Yes, extended family (and the arguements they inspire) can break up a happy home. We often romanticize being around family. I've been away from mine for 27 yrs. it was painful at first, but I suspect it was for the best.

Either move or set boundaries. Just because you live close to family, doesn't mean they have the right to be barging into your house or living under your roof. But if you do not set up boundaries, that's just what yours intends to do.

You can move and not have to make those boundaries. It will leave you with less stress and more time to bond with your immediate family.
But there maybe more times when you need to set rules or boundaries. You need to get a stronger backbone.

Yes they can. My husband and I have an agreement. When put in a position, we stop the person and let them know we have to ask the "other".

My family knows we don't loan money secretly, we don't loan cars randomly, and we will stop to discuss before making a move. They hardly ask for anything.

I agree with Suz T.
It isn't your physical proximity to your families that are causing problems in your marriage, it's your inability to set boundaries for them and stick to thos boundaries.
I don't believe that any outside influence can break up a happy relationship, but that the problems that result from outside influences simply reflect an existing problems between partners (in this case maybe a lack of communication between you and your husband paired with not being on the same page of what boundaries to set).

Some people have trouble saying "NO" to friends and relatives. You either work on this and stop letting your relatives walk all over you, or you move. Moving though will only make it harder for them to invade your space, it won't stop them from trying to take advantage of you in other ways.

Time for you and your spouse to put on your big girl/big boy pants and start standing up for your own family and your marriage.

Good luck.

Yes family can break up a marriage whether it is good or bad.

Having extra people living in your private space all the time is not healthy. Where do you and your husband go to discuss important family matters without having everyone else know your business?

Family houseguests are like fish after the third day they begin to stink. If you do have to have a member stay a bit, give them a time frame and after that they have to leave. No ifs and or buts. Don't give family members jobs where you work because it will backfire in your face and your reputation will be tainted by what they do. It sounds selfish but you have to look out for your immediate family (hubby and kids) once their needs are met, you can consider the needs of others. If you can't meet them you can't meet them. You are not responsible for the world. You are responsible for you.

If moving away would or will solve the issue then by all means move. Let them know when everything is in place and you are packing up the van to leave. You can tell the people who live in your home that they need to find their own places and do so by a set date. Stick to what you say and mean every word. Once you have all the non immediate members out of your house, keep them out. There may be hard feelings but they will get over it. Lock your doors so that they can't just come in. Tell them that you have a place to be and act as if you are on your way out. Yes boundaries like fences make good neighbors.

I wish you well and luck on getting back your family.

the other S.

Sure, I think if you & your husband have not discussed and agreed to all of these scenarios--your happy home can definitely be broken by family members!

You have to be a cohesive unit working to a common goal. And I think that goes for your entire life together--not just these types of situations.

Good luck!

Sounds like you haven't been able to say no when family asks you to sacrifice your family's well being to help them. Yes, it's good to help family but only if you have thought out boundaries which you're able to stick with. I suggest that you're new to living with family. I would think thru why this has happened, plan ways to handle similar situations while deciding on boundaries. Once you know what you want from your relationships and how you can take care of your immediate family you will have a start on making decisions keeping those things in mind. Those describe your boundaries.

Often people believe that they must do everything for extended families. That just is not true. Each of us has primary responsibility for ourselves and our children. If, when we help parents and siblings we are sacrificing our immediate family's well being we need to reasses what we're doing and change it.

Moving away is only one way to change the dynamics and is likely the easiest. I suggest that if being an active part of an extended family is important to you it's important to first find ways to make and honor your family boundaries.

I grew up mostly unaware of boundaries. In counseling I also learned about co-dependency. The combination had me making decisions based on what made other people happy. I thought I was just as responsible for other's happiness as well as my own. And here is the co-dependent part, my happiness depended on their happiness.

I was also taught that I was responsible for taking care of my parents and siblings. I was the oldest and the most successful. It took me a couple of years in therapy to learn what boundaries are and began to be able to verbalize them. Then more years to be able to make decisions based as much on my needs as other's needs.

First step is to know what you need. Second is to know what the other needs. Third, what is the best way to meet your own needs while helping others.

Comments based on your list of what has drained you. How long did you continue employing your sister once you realized she was taking advantage of you? Why haven't you told the other sister when and how often you're open for visits? And, I suggest it would've been reasonable to say that his mother could not stay with you or to give a short time limit on her stay. Then brainstorm with entire family to find an alternative.

I suggest learning how to use non-violent communication. It's a way to discuss situations using language that supports everyone. A small part of that is to use I statements and so much more.

Suggested reading is on boundaries, co-dependency and non-violent communication. You can start by googling on the Internet.

Over the years I've mostly chosen to stay with the situation while learning more effective ways to get along. I am glad I did. I have become a stronger and happier person.

Family has an interesting dynamic since you were born or married into it. You didn't choose these people as your family, but there they are. I am very family oriented and so is my husband. We have financially helped them, given them a place to live, helped them find jobs, and helped them in any way we could. Why? Because they are family. But it became too much. The only time they would call was when they needed something. We had to do what others have suggested, we had to create boundaries. My husband and I both agreed that we would not allow any other family members to live with us. We did not have the capacity to allow a revolving door in our house - and the expenses of having additional people living with us added up. We both told our families that we could no longer help them with a place to live. The important thing was that we kept up with our word. We had three family members ask, but we kept our ground. We could not continue to handle their instability and our children shouldn't have to either. We also agreed to not lend out money anymore. If a family member needed help with a bill - and if we both agreed to help - we would pay it directly. This way we knew the money was going to the bill. Also, we made sure they paid us back. If they did not, then we would no longer help them. I had helped two family members get jobs where I worked - which eventually back fired. So, we also agreed to no longer help get them jobs. We would give advise and feedback, but would not attach our names to them. Essentially, my husband and I became a team. We supported each other and made the decisions together. It was tough in the beginning, but to keep our sanity and our children in a stable environment it was necessary. Our children are our priority and we had to work together to make sure everyone else knew that as well. You don't have to say 'no' all the time. But make sure when you say 'yes' that you have set guidelines. When you lend money or help pay for something, make sure they pay it back in a set time period. If they need a place to stay, make sure a time frame is clear and what they are expected to contribute while they are in your home. If you and your husband stick together, your family will learn that they can no longer depend on you for all of their needs. They will need to grow up and learn to handle things on their own. There are options out there that don't need to include your home, your job security, or your sanity.

It's hard to say no to family, when it's your mom she knows how to push your guilt buttons, when it's his mom she knows how to get to him. Sometimes living away from them is the best thing to do.

Yes, your family can break up your marriage. My family broke up 2 of my brothers marriages. The one woman he was happiest with had been a horrible person in high school, slept around, had every kid by a different dad and had never been married, she had a really bad reputation.

She hated my sister and made her life so awful my sister dropped out in 10th grade. Next thing we know my sister is missing. She had run off across the state line to marry her boyfriend. I remember going to her wedding. There was the pastor and my mom and dad and me.

When my sister came home she was still a virgin because they didn't know how to have sex...just a side note of how innocent she was at heart.

Anyway, my sister absolutely would not give my brother's wife a chance. She wouldn't go to any family event if the SIL was going. Of course it made his marriage hard and it eventually broke them up. There is a lot more to this story but in all areas, my family all took a dislike to her and treated her badly. I wasn't even in high school yet so I didn't have any part in that.

You and your husband need to sit down and make a plan. If you can't do that in your own home then make the other dwellers there watch your kids then you and hubby go out to someplace quiet where you can honestly and openly talk about what is going on, where to draw the line, and what the plan is.

THEN I would make the plans without telling anyone. Then when it's a done deal and the new place is yours I'd call everyone together and announce it.

If you want them to know it's because of them then tell them specifically what they did that is driving you away. If you want to have them as family in the future then you need to make up something and just say it's for work or something.

Yes, you should move. You are spelling the word, "county". Do you mean county or do your mean country? I'm not sure from what you write.

I think that in addition to moving, you need to go to counseling to help you and your husband talk things through. I really think that would help.