Drowning in My Honor

Save up your money and move out.

You can only control your own actions and frankly, they all sound like physically capable people who could get jobs and show gratitude. They've gotten used to living in the manner they have become accustomed to, on your dime.

I think the difference between how you and I perceive the situation is in this statement: "While I want nothing more than to move out! and to get a place of our own, eventually, almost inevitably, my family will fail and will land right my home needing help..." They don't NEED your help MarshMom, they need to see that they must help themselves. YOU need them to help themselves, otherwise the relationship quickly becomes skewed or even toxic. The vicious cycle is that you are willing to bail them out and so they get themselves into a big hole and rely on you to fix it because it's what you've been willing to do in the past. You do have the power to break that cycle and let them know, in a loving way, that you aren't doing them any favors by not letting them grow as individuals.

Time to use some of those phrases so many of us use with our kids. "Wow, that's a bummer." "Sounds like a hard spot. That's too bad." The tough love phrases. Part of loving them is letting them get to grow up. :)

honey, you have one child only to take care of, not child-adults. you have done all you can, time to concentrate on you. leave them. find a place for yourself. good luck.

There are only two choices - go or stay. If you do go, establish boundaries with your family. They cannot move in with you if you don't let them. Time for tough love. They are old enough to take care of themselves; if they choose not to do that, then they need to live with the "natural consequences" of their choice.

If you choose to stay, you know what you're in for so you'll have to accept it. You can't change these people. Deal with it or don't - those are your choices.

BTW, nothing changes when you rant, complain, smile, etc. because you have done that before and didn't follow through so they have no reason to think you will this time. Just like a kid who always gets warned, but never gets punished. It doesn't take long for the warnings to fall on deaf ears.

Oh dear. First, a compliment. I love how you've written this and expressed yourself. Second, it sounds like you are a good-natured person and that is how you've been able to put up with this until now. That being said, it's time to fly the coop and set up home for you and your son. You are not their keeper, their maid, their accountant, their sugar mama. They survived on their own before you moved in with them, and they will again once you move out. Don't get sucked in to their trials and tribulations once you're out. You can commiserate, listen, whatever, but do not loan or give money. Don't go down that road or you will begin to feel bitter and used. And you have the perfectly above-board reason for not: you'll be paying for rent AND childcare.

You are only responsible for your son and yourself. No one else. Good luck.

If you want to be independent, then you have to be independent. Move out, create your OWN life and your OWN home. It's really that simple. You work 40 hours a week, cook, clean, raise a child. That's not different then other parents, or single parents. That is entirely standard. Do this in your OWN home. Seriously, just leave. You will never be allowed independence, if you are depending on others for a roof over your head, and to watch your son. Get a place, get someone to watch him while you're at work, and get your own life. Oh, and STOP paying for their livelihood!!

You are describing a classic case of codependency. You are dependent on them because you need to feel needed, perhaps. They are helpful with watching your son and showing love but you can get these things while living separately from them. You can have your own home and still feel their love. You can learn to feel good about yourself without having to bail them out when they call on you for help.

There are many good books about codependency. Go to the library and get one to read. Focus on making yourself whole without needing to take care of anyone except yourself and your son.

It's all about boundaries. I suggest you lack boundaries and are miserable trying to make things work without them. You decide what you can and will accept. Once you're able to accept that you're not responsible for them, you will be able to move out and be on your own. You can still have their love. You can still love them and you won't need to show it by taking care of them.

Make a plan and get out.

Really... your son is your primary responsibility. The rest is peripheral to him. Both he and you are being affected negatively by your current arrangement, so change it. You can.

And if you are correct, and one day some of the "assumptionville" crowd lands on your doorstep, it will be on YOUR doorstep, and you will be the one with the keys. If they want to stay on your doorstep then they will have to agree to and follow your rules, or leave. As it is now, you have moved into "their" home (correct?)... so you have no authority. Leave and get your own place and set up your own household the way YOU want to live. If they end up at your door, YOU have the authority in your own home.

I'm sorry that you have found yourself in this situation and that your extended family won't behave like responsible adults. However, that isn't your responsibility to solve. Your son is your responsibility. Him, and taking care of you. That's it. The rest, however much you want to help and feel obligated, really is "bonus". You are NOT obligated.

Break free.

Good luck to you and your son.

I'm sure it'll be very hard but you know you need to move out so keep telling yourself this is for your son and in his best interest. It honestly doesn't sound healthy for him so you really do need to do this for him! Good luck. It'll be easier when you're gone...

Put a calendar on the kitchen fridge. Pick a day and mark it with a big 'X'. Perhaps, a week or two before your son goes back to school for the fall. Tell them, "this is the day we're moving" Let them know you love them unconditionally, but it's time you made your own way. And begin to plan.

Start looking for daycare and schools. Get recommendations from your co-workers.
Start socking away some of that toilet paper money into your own account.
Check out some nearby apartments - don't sign anything - just get some idea about what you can afford.
Start a cache of things you'd be able to take with you; household items that were yours and things the family wont need.

I wish I had the magic and easy solution. Sounds like any road you take is going to be tough. Might as well be working hard for yourself though.

Very good luck to you. We're rootin' for you. Let us know what you decide to do.

You simply say I think it is time I move out. Thank you for all the support.

Well... I may be oversimplifying things, but if you want to be independent, move out. Get your own place. Hire someone to provide daycare for your son. if you're already providing all the financial funding for 85% of running a house of many people, then you could afford your own apartment and child care. Once you do that, you won't owe your family anything and interactions can be on your terms.

If someone does fail at what they do it is within your right to offer a free place to stay, or to not. So... don't offer if you don't want to. You can't make other people grow up or act the way you want them to. The only person you can control is YOU. So that means you have to change your reaction to the situation.

Give them 30 day notice that you are moving out. That is enough time for them to figure how to pay the bills. Then see if you can rent a room for you and your kid from someone else. That way, when your family gets evicted for not paying the bills, they CAN"T move in with you. Learn to say "no, I can't and I don't want to". And stick to it. Good luck!

You sound like a serious-minded person who pushes yourself to take care of everything in your sphere. But truly, you must extricate yourself from this mess. Go find your own place and alternate help with your son. It's past time now.

Time to find a place for you and your son. Time to let the moochers fall where they may. Sorry but they don't want to help themselves they want someone else to :"take care" of them.

Yes, there will be hurt feelings but you control when and where you see them. If you don't want them in your home you don't have to have them in it. Simple as that. When they ask for money for their problems -- tell them that you have no extra money to help (even if you have $20K in the bank). If do help them you will have nothing and you will be 65 with nothing to show for your work but pain, grief and broken limbs.

The choice is yours to move out and get childcare that is not family. Family can be a godsend or it can be a disaster. In your case it is a disaster that is happening.

Good luck on knowing it is time to leave the nest for good and "just do it!"

the other S.

PS It will be a bit overwhelming but it will be all good. Take control.

I kind of did this to my MIL and she got better and stands on her own feet as she "thought' that we or her other son "would take care of her" even though each son was/is married.

You need to move out. If. OT for you, do it for your son. Teach him the values that you wish your family had. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and are a great Mom. It is. Ow time for you and your son. Please take the plunge and move out. Hope it all works out for you.

It sounds like you are enabling their behavior. You need to move out and let them learn to deal with life on their own. The only way for people to change is for them to deal with consequences that come from their choices. You are a hardworking woman and need to take care of people who appreciate what you do (your son!).

I think you already know the answer, you just need some to tell you it's okay.

You need to get out of the house (in to a home that is only big enough for the 2 of you so they can't follow) and let them sink or swim on their own for a while. So I'm going to tell you - It's okay to leave.

Not only is it okay, it is the best thing for everyone. When the water and electricity get turned off, nod sympathetically, but let them handle it. You have two full time jobs, your employment and mommy, you do not have the time for a third of raising the adults in your family too. They need to grow up and they can do it, even if they fail a couple of times first.

I wish you could find a place of your own. that would be ideal..

Maybe think outside of the box and find another single mom who would like to share expenses and maybe care of each others children when necessary.

The funny thing that came to my mind was for you AND your mom to each find a place of your own.. Have her sell her home and purchase a smaller place.. when you only have 1 bedroom no one can move in.

If these siblings are adults, she no longer has to support them.

I am trying to understand your phrase 'my family will fail' and you will land back home because they need help? Not knowing their ages but guessing it looks you have decided you need to be their caretaker and sometimes in all good intentions that is the very action that prevents them from being responsible. I've read this and read it again and if you hate it so much and it is because of 'their' failures you are at home then I think perhaps a little assessment of yourself can be taken. You are needed so that is good, you have babysitters, that is good, too. But what it sounds like to me is that possibly you fear being totally on your own. If you are able to be a big financial caretaker in this situation then you are definitely able to take care of yourself and your baby. If you move somewhere near there I am sure they will be able to help still and you will not feel the same resentment. You are adding a rock to a pile of pebbles while you stay there. It is that decision that needs to be made. Unless they are holding weapons to your body I do not understand how they are making you stay. And unhappily at that. And worried about your son on top of that!!! so other than the fact that it is your family, I think we just need to start making plans on what kinds of curtains you will need!

I suggest that you make a plan. You left Chicago and to do that you had to make a plan so I know you are able.

If you have a higher paying job then you can afford to be out on your own with no help from the state or another person. IF you have a middle sort of income you could probably qualify for some sort of low income housing. This is often the way to break the family from living off you since you can honestly say that no one is allowed to live with you.

I think that now might be a great time to start looking for a place, one that only has room for you and your son. It may be that you could move out and get a nice apartment with a pool, a nice area to play, etc.....then you could enjoy your summer a lot more.

But on the other hand summer utilities are notoriously high so I think that might be incentive to wait until fall. Perhaps thinking it through and making that plan you will feel more peace.

Then let them know what you're doing when you think it's time. If you tell them you have found a place be prepared for them to beg you to take them too. Don't give in. You need to be home when your son is home, your son doesn't need another babysitter after he leaves child care. He should be picked up by you then you both go home.

You are enabeling them to be moochers. Find your own place and move out and let them take care of themselves.

This is pretty much a typical conundrum of life. How much togetherness breeds too much resentment. You didn't take them to raise but that's what you are doing.

I guess you back off every month till they are on their own. The power company will turn off the lights as you leave! Consequences are the only thing left in your bag of tricks. Stop the things that are in your name. Find a place. Put down a down payment. That will force everybody's hand. But don't expect them to watch your child.
Are you prepared financially and emotionally for that?

Move far enough away that it would be very inconvenient for them to show up.

First of all, it's so hard to be a single parent. Raising children the right way nowadays is not the same as when we were growing up. It is definitely a financial burden, especially in NYC (Jamaica in Queens?) with a single income. I could see why you went back to your mom's place. That's natural. Most of us would probably do the same or have crossed our minds at least. When we feel like the world is crashing on us we normally gravitate back to our parents' place and that's what you and your sibblings have done. Your mom in this case is everyone's silver lining. And your sibblings assumptions that things will work out in mom's house and it did not matter where the money come from.

Most of the moms that have responded to your cry have agreed that you need your own place. Find out what you can afford. I doubt they will follow you after you move out of your mom's house. You need to figure out the expenses of daycare or a shared babysitter perhaps.

Your priority here is to take care of yourself physically and emotionally and things will fall into place.

Healthy and happy mom = healthy and happy child

Good luck with everything!

Unfortunately the only person you have any control over is yourself. You will never get your family to change, so it sounds like you need to take some steps towards change yourself. You have a better understanding of the whole situation, so you will better be able to judge what you can manage. Good luck!