Can I Set Limits on Who Is Around My Daughter When She Is Visiting Her Father?

You cannot set limits on who is around your daughter when she is visiting her father. You can ask the court to set limits, tho.

I wonder if he's doing some of this to show you that you can't control him. You might try backing off, i.e. stop saying anything, and see if he won't back off some too.

If you can document that he's leaving her with people who would be considered unsafe by Child Protective Services you might be able to file a complaint with them. I'm thinking of the woman who's frequently drunk. However, they scrutinize complaints closely when it involves custody issues. Too many people try to get at their ex by filing false or "iffy" complaints.

And know that filing a complaint will only make matters worse with your ex. So only file if you believe she is in serious danger.

My ex only has our son 4 days out of the month so it's written in our court order that he has to be home. there is no reason for him to stay with a babysitter when he could be home with me.

I have been on both ends of this, when i got my divorce and when I dated my husband following his divorce. As long as the courts have not found him incompatent, what he does on his time his his affair as long as the child is safe and not abused. I was scared s*itless when my ex took my kids, as my kids came back with unusual stories of "adventure". It took some control not to dictate to him what he should do. But he is an adult. I had to step back. We did discuss some things like the kids using their helmets at his place when riding.
Now when I was dating my husband after his divorce his ex would inform us what we were allowed to do every weekend we have the girls. Including who and where we were "allowed" to take them. Pretty much she was not looking out for their safety but trying to control us. It took some time and discussion for her to realize she may have some hopes, but when the kids are at our house we have our own rules and plans and I am not going to let her decide how we will live our life.
My advice is to take a deep breath, think hard about the conversation you want to have, write down some notes and don't attack the ex with a million rules. You will have to deal with him for the next 15 years.

Technically, your ex get to say who your daughter is around when she is with him. Even though he has someone watching her, it is his visitation and you could be found in contempt for violating a court order by picking her up without his consent.....I don't like it either but it is the way the court sees it.

When my ex and I split, there was someone he was often around that I did NOT want my child around and luckily he agreed to keep our son away from her but the court would not allow me to dictate who or where my son could be....they would allow a specific person/people to not be allowed around but if he hadn't agreed I would have had to prove why and convince the court to agree with me.

It sounds like your ex is now doing it because it bothers you. Maybe take a different approach with him. Tell him "I know I can't control what or who you do; however, I would like us to come to an agreement on what our daughter is exposed to. For the good of Suzy, can we at least agree that she will not be exposed to anyone intoxicated and that you will make that person leave or remove Suzy from that environment if it occurs?"

Another thing would be that you may be able to get a "right of first refusal" regarding babysitting during visitation...meaning that if the parent that has her needs a babysitter, the other parent get first dibs to fill that role before the child can be left with someone else. It's easier if you both agree but sometimes the court will add it to your agreement. Beware, it goes both ways.

S.:

Then only thing you can do - and this can be hard - is prove that he is putting your child in a dangerous situation and get supervised visits...but you have a lot to prove.

Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean they are bad. If she is drinking and driving with your child in the car - you still have to prove it - this means hiring a private investigator to get proof.

I would be upset if my exhusband dropped our daughter off with someone else while she was in his custody. Thank God he didn't do that - he took her with him or we made arrangements to change times, etc.

While I understand your need and desire to protect your child, you cannot control what your ex-husband does nor who he does it with. If you feel that your child is in jeopardy - then you need to get the proof and then get the custody order changed to supervised visits, etc. but until then - you have to trust that the father of your child will not put her in harms way.

Unfortunately, when we divorce, we give up our right to have whoever we want around our children. You basically have no say when she is at her dads house. You can file to modify your parenting time to include a statement that says that other parent must me notified if child is to be left with someone else other than the parent BEFORE they leave the child. So you at least know where she is and who has her. My kids go to their dads house and although he is remarried, they tend to go to "friends" houses all the time. I don't know any of these people but the kids say the adults "drink" when they are there. So I talk to my kids constantly about how they can't close the bedroom doors if they are playing at another kids house, and to NEVER go alone with one of daddy's "friends" and to always stay together (I have a daughter and son) and to look out for each other. So you really can only do the best you can with your daughter and talk to your ex about his actions without making him feel like you are "telling" him what to do. Good luck.

I just went through mediation for custody last week and this came up. You have no control over who your daughter is with on his parenting time.
Unless he has a child molester around her.

If you believe she is in any danger you can call CPS or call the police while he has her and ask them to go over and do a welfare check.
Good luck... I'm sure she is fine and taken care of.

BTW i don't like my ex taking my kids around people i dont think are a good influence either but i have to tell myself they are safe and its what i do as a parent that will help them grow into responsible adults.

When my son and his wife seperated he was hanging around with what I call a Bimbo. I wasn't happy about it at all and finally I said to him "Do you want your daughter turn out like her?" He was horrified to think his daughter could grow up and act that way. I told him that whatever women he brings around his daughter is teaching her how to behave as an adult. She will say "This is the kind of woman my daddy likes so it must be ok" They are great influences on young minds who are in love with their daddy's at that age. Parents have a responsibility to their children to put their best interests first and dad needs to be reminded of this. You also need to keep that in mind when you bring other men into your daughters lives because it teaches them what kind of man to choose. I don't know if it would have made a difference with my son since we lost him in a vehicle accident just a week after that conversation but I believe he did understand what I was saying.

That said, no you can't control what he does with your daughter, who he gets to watch her or hangs around her unless they are putting her in danger. If you believe he has someone who has drugs on them when they are there or, of course, a child molester, then you have reason to turn it in. If your husband is drinking heavily and not taking care of his daughter, you have reason to let the courts know. If you don't like the women he has hanging around, then you really can't do much about it. Would you want him telling you who you can have around your daughter?

I wish! There might be a clause in your parenting plan (assuming you have a parenting plan) that says that both of you have to offer the other parent the opportunity to have the children during your time if you are going to be away from the child for more than a specified amount of time. That's pretty standard. If so, maybe you can point it out to him and let him know that you want her. Of course, it usually only kicks in after 4 hours or so and it's extremely hard to enforce. But maybe he'd be willing to let you have her once you point it out.

you can't set those limits, but the courts can... hopefully you have a good custody agreement, but even then you usually have no control what your daughter does while at her father's house... just like he has no say about how your daughter spends her time at your home. Unfortunately it's part of living with a broken family, you don't have complete control anymore.
But if you feel she's in danger then you can document & get all the proof you're able to and file to ammend the custody/visitation - maybe get a right of first refusal included for when he's not available during his scheduled time.

I saw this from the other side - even though they have joint custody, my husband's ex has residential custody. When i met my husband, his ex hated my guts & didn't want me in the picture (I don't blame her, she didn't know me and felt threatened, that's only natural)... she played a lot of games with his custody, even tried to keep their daughter from going on vacation with his family when she found i was going. In the end my husband was able to show her how rediculous it was - that she couldn't control what he did during his time, just as much as he couldn't control what she did during hers. That she wasn't in danger & that they are BOTH her parents. And that they could discuss it respectfully, and its always good to have open communication, but the parent who's time it was had the ultimate say on how they spend their time with the child.

If you feel you should have say in what happens during his time, then he should also have say what happens during your time - not saying that to be disrespectful at all, just to give you some perspective, it does go both ways. I'm assuming you don't tell him every time you have someone watch your daughter, and he may not like everyone that you bring into your daughter's life either. (My husband's ex does some things my husband doesn't agree with at all & has some crazy discipline methods, but there isn't much he can do... its nothing he could take to the courts... & at ex's home its her rules, just like at our home we have our own rules).
Doesn't make it right, what your ex is doing - a bunch of women in & out isn't a good choice on your ex's part - my husband waited 3 months before introducing me to his daughter for that exact reason. And my husband tried his hardest to never need a babysitter. But life happens... and people don't always make good choices. That's where you come in - to give her an example of how a "normal" adult acts and what good relationships look like.
If he's leaving her with a person who is drunk or drinking, that's something to make a bigger deal about, but it's a hard thing to prove... some people act foolish in public, but have a bit more common sense when it comes to watching children. I actually know someone just like that. She can be really rowdy & dress really inappropriately, but she's a nanny by day and is wonderful with children! Hopefully that's the case.
Not saying you shouldn't look out for your child's safety, but no parent is perfect - not him, not you. Unless you really feel your daughter is in danger, you can only try to talk to him and express your concerns and hope he understands. Kids are smart and they're tougher than we give them credit for. We can't protect them from everything, but its our job to teach and prepare them for everything they'll face in their life, with good morals & good coping skills.
Sry for the long response, but hope it helps even a bit. I know how difficult it can be.

You would have to prove that he is neglecting his time with his daughter by leaving her with others during his time. Or that he is leaving her with someone who has been drinking.

Is there a set schedule as to when she visits him? If he has errands to run, he should be able to either do them on a day that she is not with him, or take him with her. If he isn't able to run errands with her along then he needs to be spending MORE time with her so that they CAN run errands together. Does that make sense?

The one thing to watch out for if you go ahead with this is that he can do the same to you and bring into question your actions and time with your daughter.

Hi S., I may be wrong on this, but can you have a detective follow him around and take some shots of who is watching your child when you leave her off at your ex's home? It's wrong. If the woman was a step mom, but a responsible one then I would say it was fine, but someone irresponsible is very strange and dangerous. Just a cousin? Why don't you let the detective do the searching? It may cost you some money, but you should consider keeping an anecdotal record of everything. Record the phone calls you make to his place. Who answers the calls? Is he there when you call. If not march over pick up the child, and make sure you take some digital photos of the drunken babysitter or whoever is there. Have someone go with you too. Sorry, I'm just being overprotective. I wouldn't want my child exposed in that type of atmosphere. You will need this in court if it comes to that. Take matters into your own hands. Wishing you well.

I would sit down and have a conversation with him. Let him know you're not trying to control him, you're worried about who is around your daughter. I mean, he wouldn't be happy if you had a ton of men around her who were drunk and leaving her with random strangers. I would also stress that this is HIS TIME with her, he needs to spend it wisely. I don't know if you have a custody agreement with the court or not but if he doesn't listen I would get it put into your agreement. If no agreement is in place I would not let him see her until he gets his act together. I hope this helps.

If you have a court order for him to have visitation and there are no limitations then you have to let him do whatever. That said, call your attorney to request a hearing to modify your court orders.

If you are going against the court orders he can call the police on you and possibly have you arrested for taking her during his visit. If he is putting her with someone he trusts and you have the responsibility of proving she is not safe, in court. He can have a babysitter during visits, of his choosing, because he may have work or some other responsibility to come up where he needs to have her taken care of for a while. You can't make him bring her to you, it's his weekend and just like he can't demand that you bring your child to him if you work, it's a two way street.

So, call your attorney and see what they say, limiting his freedom during his visitation won't be easy without anything but your say so. It only makes you look manipulative, it makes you look bad in the eyes of the court, so you MUST have some sort of proof of their behavior in front of her.