Can I Vent About Myspace?

Hi DD!

Children, especially young teens, can say the most hateful things - and right to our faces. I know it can hurt when we have extended ourselves to a young person, only to get slammed by them.

But looking at this from the outside, I think you need to let go of needing your niece to apologize more or your BIL to take the matter more seriously. It would be nice if your niece were mature enough to offer you a sincere apology, but given that most adults can not do that, it would be unrealistic to expect that from a 14 year old hormonal girl.

By the way, when you wrote, "I'm ready to just get rid of her as a 'friend,'" it took me by surprise. A 14 year old girl should not be your friend. You're her aunt - an adult role model in her life - not another junior high girl. Teenage girls (and boys) are very vulnerable. If you just push her away, she may not show it on the outside, but inside, she will believe a part of her is unlovable.

You can set firm boundaries - such as the one you did - "if you pull a C+ average, we'll buy you a PSP", and, at the same time, not be jerked around by a teenager's emotional swings. Accept her meek "sorry," keep to your promise and if you find out anything else her parents should know, be sure to pass the information on to them.

Finally, be easy on yourself. You're not the first person who felt punched in the stomach by the thoughtless and selfish words of a young teenager. Just remember that you are not her friend - you are her aunt. Just focus on modeling behavior that you would like her to show and then forgive and forget.

M.

I am hearing that you are hurt and offended, and have good reason for what you feel, and believe you have the right to express your feelings to people who "should" do something (apologize, or make someone else apologize).

Your niece feels violated, and has good reason (in her view) for what she feels, and obviously believes she should have a right to express her upset to the person who "should" have done something differently (or should apologize now).

I see red flags go up all over the place when I hear people use terms like "they should" or "shouldn't I" or "I deserve" or "what's wrong with kids today?" I can see good "reasons" on both sides of just about any issue. And aren't all these good reasons how war begins, within families, within communities, and between countries? How much hurt are your "shoulds" worth to you? And how much would it cost YOU to apologize, considering that you made the first move, and that you are, as a grownup, supposedly the model of the good behavior you'd like to see in your 14-year-old niece?

This probably sounds tough, but I do feel real compassion for your situation. I've been there a thousand times myself, and I imagine just about every other human being has, too. It's such hard work managing our emotions and forgiving, especially when we feel attacked. I hope you will show your niece how it's done. The future of civilization is counting on people who are willing to do this, and I'm sure that angels sing songs of gratitude to those who manage it, even if other earth-bound humans are oblivious to the cost to our egos. (Or maybe even lacking the grace or maturity to accept our apology. That doesn't, as far as I can see, excuse us from apologizing.)

Incidentally, here's a hypothetical situation based on the information you have given: depending on her other grades, your niece could still pull the C+ average you agreed to. If this were to happen, would you still come through with your reward? The answer to that could be really interesting to ponder.

Michelle and Peg have given you good advice. I'll add that in todays social climate it's not just teens who mouth off. Yes, she should say she's sorry. How do you know her apology was meek or insincere?

Thinking about boundaries and putting them in writing for both you and your neice might help. Give a copy of your boundaries to her parents. Included in this list is that you will talk with her parents anytime you are concerned.

I understand why she got mad. She didn't know you'd tell and she felt hurt. If I were you I'd tell her that you're sorry that you hadn't talked with her before you talked with her parents.

Apparently the deal you made with your neice needed to be discussed more fully, if an F negates getting the PSP. It sounds like the only requirement that was stated is that she have a C+ average. She could have that even tho she's flunking one class. By the way, flunking one class is a learning experience and does not need to be punished. Discussed without anger in an effort to understand, yes. Does she need some extra help? Is she just goofing off? That sort of thing. Consequences related to it, yes. But not punishment.

I don't think I would've told her parents about the F grade for several reasons. They will know when she gets her report card anyway. Why do you need to tell them in advance? It causes her to lose trust in you. And it sounds to me that this is the way you are expressing disappointment and perhaps anger at her. The issue is between you and your niece. If I were her I'd expect you to talk directly with me, especially since you are in her MySpace as a friend. Friends don't tell.

This is why you need to clarify your role in her life. As to MySpace the two of you can clarify boundries by talking about what each of you expects if you have access to her space. If the two of you can not agree on a boundary then she should not allow you access to her MySpace.

As to her outrageous comments. Teens are very emotional. So are other ages. You'll be getting it from your daughter (if you haven't already been told that she hates you) once she is in school because she will hear those words from her peers. Beating her down will not cause her to stop. Unfortunately expressing anger in that manner is the way of our society. Beating her down will increase her anger and most likely escalate the behavior. Yes, she should have a consequence that will help her learn to not use outrageous language.

I think that your neice has calmed down by now but is still anxious about your reaction to her anger. Anger is a normal defensive reaction and so she may still be feeling anger to protect herself from your anger.

In this situation you have not talked with her. which is a consequence. Her father had her tell you she's sorry. Discipline is over.

You can be sure she didn't mean that you are nothing to her. It is accurate that you are a tattle tale since you were acting as a friend and had not told her you would be telling her parents. She is hurt and you both share responsibility for what happened and each of you is responsible for your own feelings. You can decide to remain angry or you can attempt to understand your niece, a part of which is to talk with her. Be sure to let her know what you will do with information learned on her site.

Keep in mind that it would be helpful to your relationship and thus your ability to help her know and understand about life if she can trust you not to go to her parents. In reality you only need to tell her parents if she may be harmed by what she's telling you. And it's best to tell her that you will talk with them when you feel it's necessary. Be honest and upfront in your relationship.

By the way, what is a PSP?

I hope that you will think about what has been said and not take offense. Some of what I've written about I only know because I've experiences similar situations. I had a teen age daughter and worked with teens during my career.