Can Setting Too Many Restrictions for a Almost 13 Year Old Boy Fail?

I only read a few of the responses you already got, but I did want to say a few things.

1. Yes, kids need rules. They also need responsibility. If you have too many rules in place, they will rebel against them and they won't learn responsibility. They have to learn how to control their own behaviors without being constantly watched over their shoulders. Reminding them of rules is good...as long as you don;t have to do it all of the time. If they break a rule, they should lose a privilege.

2. I do not believe in rewarding for good behavior. Good behavior is expected, it shouldn't have to be rewarded. Do you get rewarded for behaving the way you are supposed to everyday? No, no one buys you things or praises you for doing and acting like you are supposed to. I do not believe kids should be either.
When kids behave and act like they are expected to, they shouldn't have to get something for it. They will grow up and experience great disappointment if they expect a reward for behaving the way they should.
If they want a reward for something, it should be something that isn't expected of them daily. I believe this is why there are so many adults and kids out there that think they are entitled to things.... they don';t have to earn things, they think they should just be given things for no reason.

3. Remember to pick your battles. Ask yourself if one particular behavior or one particular thing he did is going to matter tomorrow, next week, next year? Is it going to hurt someone? Is it going to hurt him?
Sometimes we have to let little things go, so when a kid does a big thing, they know their punishment will result and it will have an effect on them. If you punish a kid for everything he does, soon the punishment has no effect and you will have a monster on your hands.
Sometimes, little things need to be overlooked....he's not in the military, so raising him like he is, isn't going to have good effects on what kind of person he becomes.

Good luck, I hope this helps.

I have always been open and honest with my kids, they have rules and they know what is expected of them, They do not walk all over me. They also don't expect rewards for everyday things that are expected of them. They know rewards are just that, rewards.... and they mean so much more to them when they earn them.
My kids stick up for the little guys, and they are always there to help others. They don;'t get into trouble and they respect my husband and myself.... in turn we respect them.
There comes a point in time when you have to let your kids have some responsibility of obeying rules without constant reminding..... after all, you don't want him to turn into an adult who needs constant reminding of rules and how he should act.

It's so, so difficult to parent a child that doesn't have "that" easy going temperament.

While micro-managing doesn't work, being firm about chores and limits is very important.

If he is texting constantly, then, let him text until dinner time. Once it's 6:30, have him put the phone on the kitchen table. If he takes it off of the kitchen table before the next morning, it's yours for 2 days. If you don't hold on to the phone for the full 2 days, why would he need to follow limits or respect rules?

This is just an example. Yet, it will work once he knows you're serious. More importantly, you have to be consistent every time it takes place.

Teens need to do chores because everybody in the house does them. If the dishwasher is full. Tell him he has to empty it by dinner time. Remind him once. If he "selectively forgets", then he can't turn on the tv or computer until it's done. If it CHOOSES not to, then unplug the tv right away..

Sit him down and let him pick a daily chore.

Ask him if he'd like to text until 4pm or dinner time. Then, have him place it on the kitchen table at that time.

These examples are all about good parenting, love and respect.

On the other hand, make sure you're talking with him and having nice times together. If you are constantly telling him what to do, then it does turn into micro-management.

It will most likely get more difficult when he's 14, 15, 16, etc... if a few good limits aren't set now.

Parenting is much harder when the teen yrs arrive...

Have you been consistent with consequences?? If not, set up a family meeting...

Having raised 4 children who are now 21-26 yrs old I can tell you that micro managing everything your 13 yr old does isn't teaching him the life skills he will need in the future. Instead of having to be in control of everything who don't you sit down and take to him about you expectations for him and his future. Do you honestly know what he wants? What his hopes and fears are? How he sees his life right now?

The more rules you set the more you are taking control away from him to make simple choices. Just make an understanding that homework and chores are a priority and stop sweating the small stuff. Setting too many rules just sets him up to be the kid that parties 24/7 in college because he's got freedom.

Like any age there are important rules that you need to be firm and consistent about and then there are rules that he is now old enough to negotiate with you. There should be curfews and rules about when he can go out, where and with who. He should have a set bedtime that there can be no video games or texting after, he should probably also have times where he is required to participate in some kind of "family time" no texting or phone at the dinner table for example.

Beyond that you can have a discussion with him about what activities outside of video games and texting are important to him and to you and discuss a strategy to be able to meet your needs: chores, family time, etc.; his needs: activities with friends, homework (during the school year); and then figure out a way to budget time for these needs and any financial constraints required (especially regarding phone and text).

If all he ever hears is "no" to everything, there is more chance that he will just disobey. If he knows certain things are off limits but believes that he can have a real discussion with you about things he feels are important, you'll have more success. Getting a 13 yo to open up about what he wants or even think 5 minutes into the future may be the difficult part. If you build a relationship where you can trust and respect each other, with clear consequences spelled out for breaches of trust, you will have success.

Hi P.,
I have a 14 year old, and I feel that one of the most important things about parenting a teen, as someone else already said, is to pick your battles. While video games and texting wouldn't be my favorite way for my teen to spend her time, if she was getting the best grades that she could in school, taking care of her chores, was polite and respectful, etc, I would give more leeway. Sometimes if you give a little, they demand a little less. Think about what things that you MUST set rules for - things that ensure that your son is taking care of his responsibilities, his health and safety. I'm of the mindset that at this age, I can't control every moment of her life (and dont' want to). In 4 years, she will be leaving for college, and no one will be checking to see how much time she spends on the computer, how late she stays up at night, whether she is studying for tests, etc., so I give her as much responsibility for herself as I feel is age appropriate and safe.
Good luck

Kids his age need boundaries even though they try to rebel against them. You need to spell out your expectations before an activity, instead of stopping him afterwards. Sit down and explain what you want and negotiate the rules and then he should be expected to try to rebel. At that time remind him of your agreement.
Oh and welcome to the wonderful world of teenagers.

I hear what you're saying Mother; one of the things that is very necessary is to set limits in the beginning... but now since he's the age of 13...you need to sit him down and do some reconstruction with him...as far as do's and donts'... and outside activity always helps with this type of situation as well. Giving your son, some chores and then he can play games or text, but with time limits...

Hi P.,

You can never set too many rules if they keep your child safe and healthy.

I have two teenaged sons (13 and 15) and I have what we call our sacred seven rules they must recite before leaving the house. They think it is silly, but then they also know the rules and know there are consequences if you break them.

You can allow your child to grow and mature and still have rules.

I also do not allow an exhorbitant amount of video game time. They play outside all day and play for only a few hours at night. I do not even have texting on my phones for the purpose that children can become addicted to texting.

Stay your course, you are doing fine!

C.

I am helping to raise six children and the youngest is 14. They range in ages 21-14. Stairsteps. I don't claim to know everything but I do know limitations and restrictions are important to teaching your children how to discipline themselves. Even as adults we can't go everywhere and do any and everything.

In my experience, the structure we set needs to be age and maturity appropriate. The children have to know how to be responsible in a family as well as obtain life skills (washing dishes & clothes, cleaning the house, folding clothes, making beds, cooking, etc.). Are your expectations in line with his level of maturity or the lack there of?

There is more to life than video games. Unless he plans on earning a living as a videogame designer which would still require more than playing video games. I usually have my children earn game time, for every hour of book reading (yes they have to explain what was read) they get one hour of game time or something else like that.

You also want to make certain you are rewarding good behavior. He took out the garbage without being asked deserves some kind of reward.

Balance is key. Stay consistent. Put the rules on the refridgerator door where he can see them. This way you don't have to keep repeating yourself. Make the rewards greater than the punishments. Positive reinforcements works well with people and pets.

Best of luck to you. Hope this was helpful. Let me know. Thanks.

Dear Mom,

I think that being the overbearing mom DOES backlash.

I have a son whom is also 13.

And I have found that policing him does NOT work.

However creating oportunity for him to succeed at something does.

Eg.. Explain to your son that he can ONLY use the cellphone for emergencies. Teach him to check to see how many minutes he has used on his phone. And that when they are done. Thats the end of the cellphone usage.

This works because He will know that after they are all used up, he has a choice.

2. He will learn hopefully how to moderate his calls.

3. the final result is NO cellphone. and your not the one to blame, he is.

Video gaming.

I never let my son play unless everything he has to do is done, Such as Garbage out, dishes washed and put away, laundry done, Ironing he might need, home work, and anything else I might throw into the mix for that day.

That said After its all done, he can do as he wishes.
Which is usually not that much time.

Freedom,,,,, This year my 13 year old will enter the 8th grade. So I have been letting him go out alone unsupervised and creating ways to teach him to be responsible.

Eg. when he has money, I suggest things he can afford to do with this money, Such as lazer tag with friends,
If he wants new sneakers, I provide opportunity for him to earn the money for them, ( help me clean the bathrooms for a week and do the vaccuming in addition to his own chores which PS I don't pay him for because in real life we don't get paid to clean our own homes)

Once he has the money, I suggest he take the Public bus to the Mall ALONE. HE LOVES THIS-
And feels great.

I time him, and have him call me on the cell when he gets there, and when he is leaving.

and we ususally spend the time talking to eachother.
( WEEKENDS ARE FREE)

I don't allow my son to go to the mall without a purpose
( he can never just go to hang out with friends)
they need to be going to see a movie or buy shoes or something.
------

RIDING HIS BIKE<00

Well this is something that causes me great worry.
I am ever fearful he will get hit by a car.

but they way I look at it is he will be in highschool in one more year. You can't wait forever to teach kids these things,

So I have to let him go.

BUT the very first thing that gets taken away is his bike riding privledges, WHEN he does mess up

He is allowed to go where ever he wants as long as he asks me, and notifies me of any changes VIA cellphone. ( yes I Do say no very often, but everyonce in a while I will say yes)

I bought him a very nice watch for his Birthday and he knows what time he needs to be home BEFORE- If he is ONE minute Late I can punish him ( Usually he is home before hand but when he takes liberty to see where I take it, I make him come home and HOUR EARLIER for a week)

Trust me, he'd much rather enjoy that extra hour with his friends.

-----------

Hopefully you understand what I am saying,

You start out giving him leeway with lots of rope,
explain all the rules,CLEARLY

and then fine tune them to fit your needs.

WHEN- He messes up, reel him back in, but NOT ALL The way.
Just set more limits that he can meet.

and Don't police him, they have to fail sometimes,
this is how they learn.

And don't Go crazy extreme, create opportunity for him to regain his responsibility,

-----

Last little tid bit, make time to talk to him and listen to his nonsense, because before you know it , he'll have other things on his mind that your really gonna wanna hear about.

BUt now is the time to start.

Good luck and feel free to shoot me an email whenever you need too.

Good luck

M

Hi P.
Yikes, 13 is such a hard age. Setting rules are necessary, but rebellion happens sometimes when they are not free to make some decisions.
Sounds to me like he is happy being by himself doing games or texting. What else does he do? What does he want to do?
Any thoughts coming from him about what he wants to do when he is out of school? My kids always had aims and ambitions and I encouraged that conversation so that I could steer them in the direction rather than always correcting their choice of activity.
Why not encourage other things rather than restrict? I found if I made rules I had to enforce them. I was always one their case then. I was not happy doing that, and they were not happy having me do that. My kids all had their thing to do, plus chores of course.
Sports, art, music, read, write or whatever. None have/had texting. Video games were not encouraged, nor was tv. One daughter does love movies. It cost more to send them to camps for their thing but they were not sitting like bumps on a log either.
I do think that always being the enforcer makes your life and theirs more difficult.
The boys went to sports, & computer camp at 13.
The girls went to art classes and music classes most summers.
I encouraged active rather than passive play, hence the reason they weren't into tv either.
Be into what he is into. Ask questions. Find out more. Study about it. Learn from him. Show you are interested.
He might then hate it because you are always there asking questions.
God bless you with His wisdom as you make decisions
K. -- SAHM married 38 years --- adult children -- 37, coach, entrepreneur-- the sports enthusiast; 33, lawyer, married with 1 yo son-- the reader; 19, college fine arts major, on campus with GPA 3.8; twin sister 19, college journalism major, commuting with GPA 3.7. During our home school years, one painted a sign for the 4H building at the fair, one wrote for the newspaper. Guess which is which? Exactly what you think. It was what they were interested in and so we encouraged participation.

Aren't teens wonderful (NOT). Yes you need to remind him of things (over and over and over). To help transition him to self-monitoring, sit down with him (there WILL be eye-rolling and sighing involved) and write down the rules AND write down the consequences for breaking them. Post this paper somewhere prominent in your house, such as on the refrigerator with tape (so it doesn't "accidently" fall off. Hang on tight mom the teens years are a roller coaster and you just on!

Raising a teenager was for me the most difficult stage I didn't think at times we would all survive LOL!!! There are so many obstacles to face so I decided that I needed to PICK MY BATTLES. You need to find what is most important to your family, set the rules, and if they are not followed through then set consequences. If you have to keep reminding him then there must not be a firm enough consequence for him to be ignoring your requests. If he goes over his limit on text message then have him do jobs around the house to earn the money he has overspent. If he is playing video games over his allowed time then pull the plug from the wall. This is a time when you and your child will probably battle, and there are times when you probably will not like each other. But always remember children especially teens need boundaries, limits, and consequences they need you to parent them and not be their friend. It is how we show them we care enough about them to make sure they do the right thing. Teens are not built yet to make good decisions in fact studies show that the decision making portion of the brain in an adolescent is not fully developed until their early twenties. My kids are 24 and 20 and I am finally seeing the light. In my opinion boys take a little longer to mature and learn to make good decisions. That is why we have to watch them closely and communicate. Trust me they are hearing you even if they are not always listening. No matter how many eye rolls you get or I hate you's you may get they are hearing you. Also, never underestimate what is out there. The pressure to drink, do drugs, and have sex is so great that playing video games and incessant text messaging if you are lucky will be the least of your problems. You sound like a great mom so my only advice is pick your battles and communicate, communicate, communicate. One other suggestion is I would always try to talk to my kids when things were calm. We would take a ride to the mall and on the way I would talk about what I expected from them. That always seemed to help rather then in the heat of the moment or while I was angry. My children began to share so many concerns with me when we spent that quiet time together. Sometimes we would just go for lunch or whatever but I always tried to make sure we had conversation about their day and what was going on in their lives. You can always resort to good old mommy guilt like my mother did. She would say "If anything happens to you you might as well bury me with you!!!!" LOL. It's a tough time but you will survive. I did and I have the gray hair to prove it LOL!! Good luck!!

13 is challenging. There are no two ways around it. No matter what kind of parent you are 13 is tough. Set the limits, you are mom, what you say goes. He is moving into adulthood and now is the time that he has to learn what kinds of behavior are appropriate and inappropriate for someone with more independence. He may be an "all or nothing" kind of kid, but 13 is too young to set him free with no limits.
But also maybe pick your battles. I agree with you about the video games. I won't even buy one because I am afraid my husband would do the same thing!!! Not to mention the kids! But if the text messenging/ cell phone plan that you pay for is unlimited, maybe let that one go? He may overindulge and then get bored of it. it all depends on your priorities. you are the one in charge.
Good luck!