My husband is careless, and let's face it, a bit lazy. Water got into our flooded basement for the second time b/c he didn't adjust the window well cover, which would have taken 30 seconds and he was aware it had become dislodged. (I offered to do it, but he insisted he would and then never did.) I had to get my dad to come over with his shop-vac so we could get the water up, but my husband seemed less than alarmed that are drywall, baseboards & carpet were wet. I had to point out (again) that mold grows quickly and is dangerous, so he reluctantly took care of the problem. However, he left a gaping hole in our drywall and TV cables/cords strewn about. Yesterday my son got a hold of a power drill that my husband left out and almost drilled a hole in his forehead with it! I was SO mad and my husband & I got in a fight. My husband angrily spent part of the evening cleaning the basement.
I am a SAHM and do just about everything around here, except go to an office. If I can't or don't want to do something, I either hire someone to do it or it gets left undone.
My husband has pretty bad ADD and takes medication for it. He sees a therapist for it weekly. I try to be supportive, but honestly, if I hear one more time that his ADD makes it hard for him to do XYZ, I'm going to lose it. He goes to work, comes home and half-heartedly plays with the kids, but it is obvious that what he really wants to do is channel surf or read his IPhone. I know he has a draining job and he makes a good living, but he gets enough sleep every night (8 or 9 hours), so he shouldn't be that tired.
How do I cope with this? I don't really trust his judgment with the kids (he sent my 4-yr. old who cannot swim down a HUGE waterslide without checking if someone was at the bottom to catch him). I'm just starting to lose respect for him, which is horrible. I want him to step it up and be a more involved part of the family. What to do??
I think the "lazy" might be the bigger problem than the ADHD.
Good luck fixing lazy. I agree with Jennifer S's comment about "reason" vs. "excuse."
His diagnosis is simply that, a diagnosis. It is the REASON for his having problems with behaviors that others would find almost second nature, but it in no way can be an EXCUSE for his behavior. This is what I would say to him, but not in the heat of the moment, when you are already frustrated about something he has done, or in his case possibly not done. You need to find a time to sit and talk with him CALMLY, and discuss your concerns, and let him know that his diagnosis effects you and the family as well as it does him. Express your frustration, but try to limit the attacks or starting off sentences with "you do or you don't" Try to use more "I feel" etc. He is a grown man who is holding down a job, which I assume he is successful at, correct? He obviously CAN keep himself "in check" to some degree there so he doesn't get fired, because let's face it, his employer wouldn't put up with the things that you do. You love your husband and have a family together. The employer is thinking only of their business. My point is, he isn't using this as an excuse for "bad behavior" at work, is he? I have a husband, as well as 2 kids with adhd. Only the youngest, the 10 yr old is medicated. (by their choice, NOT mine) The diagnoses were the STARTING points, it gave us the why for the behaviors and to understand how their brains worked a little better. It has NEVER been an excuse for the behavior or caused me to not teach my child the correct way to do something and work with them. If this was your child, what would you do? One last thing..... the medications that people with adhd are put on are stimulants. They have the opposite effect on their brain as they would you or I. If your hubbys meds are possibly wearing off by the time he gets home from work, try having him drink some cofffee, or a big glass of Mt. Dew. (high caffene) It really does help because the caffene is also a stimulant, and will help him to focus more on what he should be doing and organize his thoughts. The iphone is easier to focus on or surfing the web because one, he enjoys it as the scene is always changing, and 2, he can hyper focus on it because it doesn't really require much thought on his part. that is common for adhd. WIth kids it is sometimes video games they hyper focus on. Try to talk to him, be patient, but do NOT let this be an EXCUSE for him to continue to be irresponsible at home. If you explain things to him in the right way, I am sure he will work with you and things will get better. Good luck!
ouch...this is not good...
hubby is seeing a therapist .... maybe you guys should go together so you can learn how to communicate with each other about these things...
Your husband is also using his ADD as a crutch instead of taking responsibility and that too would drive me nuts...you are NOT his mother but it seems like you are more like one than a wife...he's not making good decisions (power tools, water slides, etc.) and he needs to stop blaming the ADD and take responsibility - that's what you want, right? For him to step up to the plate and TAKE RESPONSIBILITY?
Well....you can't let him use the ADD as an excuse any more...if he needs to make a list of things that he has to do and such - then do it. Even if it involves him writing down "put tools away" then he needs to do that.
I would talk to the therapist with him...you can't keep holding this anger and resentment in - it will blow up and it won't be pretty.
I have adult ADD, so I can relate a bit. I drive my husband who is very organized and methodical crazy.
I can see both sides-I don't have as extreme symptoms as your husband, but I do take daily meds and when I am stressed or depressed my ADD is exacerbated. I try really hard not to use my ADD as an excuse, because really, once you know the problem, it's easier to takes steps to alleviate it or work around it. Maybe his med's aren't strong enough?
My husband has learned that some things he has to let go and others we have comprmised on. For instance-if a mess starts-say the laundry piles up-I get so overwhelmed, but instead of taking care of it, I just add to it and can't seem to clean it up. My husband came up with the idea of tall bins in the LR instead of in our rooms-now instead of everything dirty just being makeshift in the LR waiting for me to sort, it's all seperated immediately, I feel less overwhelmed and therefore I can take care of the task more easily.
My recommendation would be to discuss with your husband ideas to make things work better for both of you..but he has to partake, it can't be just you making his life easier-again, my husband hates it when I leave stuff laying around, my nature is just to do that, cuz usually my brain is already on something else-but I know he hates it, so I make a conscience effort to snap out of my ADD moments as much as possible.
I would also suggest reading up on ADD-Driven to Distraction is a great book about Adult ADD-and their is a great Documentary often on PBS called ADD and lovin' it-google for the website. My husband watched it and was like....ohhhhhh.....
You also have to acknowledge what your husband is good at and what he's not-he proably will never be the one who cares about the windows leaking, etc...BUT there can be a middle ground-because you do care, so maybe he can't fix it, but he can learn to be more conscience.
Have you thought about seeing someone yourself to help you cope with his ADD? It is hard for people with that to focus and to stay focused. He might need his meds checked or readjusted too. I know how frustrating it can be. My husband has ADHD he does complete tasks and works really hard around the house. He can't sit and do nothing while we are watching TV he is playing a gameboy or reading (not always only if it isn't a movie he wanted to watch) at church he does crossword puzzles but he hears every word and hears much more than I do so he is paying attention. I know this disease is very hard to deal with. Also they don't sleep well at night he could be tired. I know this doesn't help you get those important things done. It is really hard to get them to be involved with the family. My husband can't stand a lot of stuff going on at once it is hard for him to concentrate when a lot of people are talking or the grandkids are jumping around I do have to admit he is getting better and is more social (he use to just stand in the kitchen when all the family was here) he interacts more now. I think they just don't feel like they fit in. I am not saying this to make it OK that he doesn't help you trust me I feel your frustration. If you want to vent and swap stories PM me. He has to learn how to focus and to deal with these issues if it were me I would ask to go to at least one session with his therapist and talk about what is bothering you so he can work on it in therapy he most likely thinks everything is fine and isn't talking about these issues since he feels there are none. My husband and I talk a lot about feelings and I have let him know what was bothering me he has really worked hard to get to where he is now. It does take work. Sorry you have to deal all on your own it is hard. Hugs
Is it possible that the medication he takes makes him tired, which makes him less energetic and more inclined to sit and play with the iPhone rather than be active with his kids? I'd get his medication reviewed.
Will his therapist see you both for some kind of couples/family counseling on dealing with the ADD as a couple? You are affected by his condition daily, directly and negatively -- I might use those words if you think they'll make him take notice: Daily. Directly. Negatively. And it's affecting your marriage because you are losing respect for him as a person and a parent. If his current therapist won't see you together (as well as seeing him individually) I would ask for a referral to a couples therapist who has experience dealing with adult ADD patients. There, you can express your frustrations and perhaps get to the root of whether your husband's issues stem from the ADD, the medication, a combination of both, or larger issues like using the ADD as an excuse for not being fully engaged with you and the kids. Good luck. This does sound like a situation that calls for a third-party profession to work with you both, rather than having your husband say "I have a condition" and you feeling resentful.
I have ADD and yes the ADD is the reason.
That is where my sympathy ends. I know I will forget to go back and say put a tool away so I put it away when I am done. If something needs fixing I do it straight off or I put it in my phone to remind me.
ADD is not something that cannot be overcome. He needs to stop using it as an excuse. It is easy to figure out where he needs structure and implement it. He is making us all look bad. :(
I have HORRIBLE adult ADD and I've been in your husbands place. I was depressed and freaking lazy. ADD is not an excuse.. I love that my mind works SO much differently than yours and every other adult that doesn't have this but its NOT an excuse and it took me a while to see that. I have systems.. Every day I have a check list of what I HAVE to get done, I split the housework between days of the week and my husband helps me stay on top of out-of-the-ordinary stuff (like registration stickers.. stuff that only comes in a blue moon). We've been through hell and back and once I realized that it's not an excuse things got a lot better.. Put your foot down and stop taking his bs tell him he needs to do whatever it takes to get things done.. the systems work for me. They are there every day and I like routine, leave him a list that way he can't forget. And as bad as my ADD is I would never leave a freaking power drill around for my daughter.. yes I get distracted and forget things but not when it comes to my daughters safety.
He needs to go for a full physical.. He could also have low testosterone..
You do know ADD and ADHD is not something people grow out of? Many times it gets worst as the person gets older..
Your husband has to hold it together at work all day, when he comes home he is mentally exhausted..
If he is on medication, he needs to have it adjusted every once in a while. this is why seeing his physician is very important and yes, you will probably have to schedule it, take him and go into the check up with him.
I have known my husband since we were 13. He has always struggled in his daily life with ADD.. His thought process is all over the board. He can be walking to the car and 30 minutes later, not have gotten there because he stopped to move something, fix something, make a call he had forgotten about and then has lost his keys during all of this..
It is just who my husband is.. It took me a few years to realize.. he is just not who I am.. He is an amazing worker,employee, manager, husband and father.. But he is distracted and seems to me to always have to take the long way instead of the quickest or easiest way to do anything.. It is just who he is and he is not going to change.. Acceptance will make a huge difference..
I suggest you both go to marriage counseling and figure out how is the best way to communicate with each other.. Your husband needs to work with his own therapist about some skills or solutions to help him stay on tasks, how to stay on schedule... But it is never going to be "normal" .. He will have to figure out some solutions and with your help figure out what DOES work for him..
Join him at his next therapy session talk to the therapist about your concerns. Especially the warerslide.
