Child Not Wanting to See Dad

I recently went through this with my older kids (16 and 14). They actually came home and begged me not to "make" them go back. I won't go in to all of why, but they had many good, solid reasons not to want to go, and I had nothing to do with their decision.
To honor their wishes, and I thought to keep myself out of trouble, I said I wouldn't "make" them go (we had a central meeting spot), but if he came to get them I wouldn't be able to stop him from making them go (legally). He never came to get them. I tried to explain things to him (HA, ever talk to a wall..?)and got nowhere.
Long story short, we went to court and I was not allowed to explain anything...I was held in contempt of court for not forcing my teenaged kids to go where they truely didn't want to go and into nasty, dirty living conditions. The judge scolded me for "putting them up to" this and made untrue and unfair accusations about me instead...
So BE CAREFUL!!! Look out for your daughter, but use caution and follow the advice of an attorney, because if her father wants to make an issue out of it he CAN cost you a lot of money and tons of heartache.
Also, WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING...If your daughter doesn't want to go, document what she said, when she said it, date, time. circumstances...KEEP A JOURNAL of ALL things, good and bad. If she comes back with a story, a bruise, dirty, sick, whatever...WRITE IT DOWN. I didn't do this when it was suggested to me and it came back to bite me.
At her age, she may just want to be with Mommy and not have to hassle and have a messed up schedule. If there is something else going on there will be signs.
Good luck and hang in there.

Well, I can't help you with your little one. I will keep you in my prayers for that one, it is rough. But, if you are vengeful you can bust the 1st Lt., adultery is illegal in the US Army. You can turn her in.

Good luck,
D.

I don't know where you live, but in MO when you go through a divorce with children, they appoint a court attorney just for the interest of the child. If it was me I would bring it to the attention of the father and suggest that you take her to see a child counselor to find out what he problem is. If he doesn't want to, do it on your own. It's better to know than to guess. It's probably nothing, but you never know what's happening when there's another person involved. You probably don't know this woman very well, if at all.Good luck. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter.
T.

S.,

I went through the exact thing with my two children after my divorce. My children were younger when my divorce took place, however, it was about age 3 - 4 when they started expressing that they did not want to go to dad's anymore. I think that children naturally want to be with their mom's, however, we all know the importance of having a strong relationship with both parents. Try sending your little one with something. If my kids were watching a movie, I would pop it out and send it with them. Sometimes, when it was really bad, I would intentionally put in a movie that would catch their interest so that when I handed it to dad, they would want to go to see it. Games and toys work in the same way. Just be aware that you may not get it back. It used to really upset me when my ex didn't give things back to me, however, I have come to realize that keeping the peace is better for my kids sake. Of course you want to make sure that nothing more is going on and at 4 it's ok to talk about what is and isn't appropriate touching. Chances are, your daughter really does just miss you. I would also send a picture of myself and other loved ones that they would be missing while they were away in one of those cheap Walgreen's photo albums. Their dad ended up adding pictures to it. They still have it and it is all beat up and torn! My children are 5 and 7 now and the transfer is much easier. My son (5) expresses that he misses his step-dad and younger sister while he is gone, but he does go without tears. The other thing that made the transition easier was meeting on neutral territory. We always meet in the middle in stead of picking up at each others home because leaving their "stuff" behind is hard, also. Just try to be creative, and like the others have said, never talk bad about your soon to be ex. When your daughter is older she will make her own judgment of her father. My 7 year old is already doing that. I didn't need to tell her about all the horrible things he did. She knows that he cannot be relied on. She figured it out on her own. But, she still loves her dad and wants to see him. Just encourage a healthy relationship. Good luck.

S., I know that its difficult and frustrating, as being a single mom the only time we sort of get a break is when the children go to dads for the weekend. You don't mention if the other children are experiencing similar problems with visits, If they are older and have more verbal skills they may be able to shed some light on the situation. It may be difficult for her having another woman with dad, she may not be getting the same attention she'd grown used to Also, what I experienced with my son was separation anxiety. He was worried that something might happen to me while he was gone and he'd never see me again. First, I told him that when he got ready to go to bed for the evening he should look outside and if he saw the moon, to think that mommy is seeing the same moon. (Not sure why that worked) Then I told him he could call me whenever he wanted to talk to me. That also may involve some help from the older children since your daughter is only 4 and most likely not able to dial your number alone. It may also mean investing in a cell phone so that you are available at all times. Divorce is hard on kids no matter what anyone tells you and they do need quite a bit of reassurance during the mess. Oh, and don't be too upset about the husbands living arrangements, mine was living with a woman one month BEFORE the divorce!

GOOD LUCK and stay strong, it's all about helping the kids feel safe and secure.

S.,
Wake up girl. When kids react, LISTEN. Role play with her. Give her some dolls, boy, girl, mom, dad, dolls. See how she role plays???? Please, if she is not wanting to go to dads, do not send her there until you get to the bottom of the problem. Kids react more than talk when they don't understand the whys and feelings they don't understand. I wouldn't care what anyone said, I would not send her, I would go to counseling with her, something, to get this straightened out first. Protect her if it is needed. That's your job. Do something, don't bribe her, she will learn to do the things she really don't want to and compromise her self worth for something in exchange. Don't teach her this. Acknowledge her feelings and that they are real and you will do something to see what the problem is. You are her only hope.
d.e.

Do you have someone your 4 year old is close too,That she can open up too,question her or seek some one advice, there is a reason she doesnt want to go with her dad, I have 2- 6 years old that hate going with there dad because he doesnt do any thing with them but stay at home. He pay more attention with his teen shack up then he does with his twins, he also has a 3 year old that will turn 3 this week end and he doesnt want to go to her birtday party becauce he doesnt even egnolige her, and she is a sweet heart of a child, her own grand parents on his side dont have a thing to do with her, good luck. B.

She's probably just going through a stage where she prefers to be with Mom. Or she could be afraid that since Dad left and didn't come back that maybe if she leaves she won't be coming back. Also, be careful how you talk about your ex around her - and even when you think she's not listening. She could be picking up your negative feelings about your ex and wanting to please you by saying she doesn't want to go. I agree, get in touch with the new girlfriend's Army commander. They really don't go for the adultery thing.

Just a Suggestion but maybe she isn't being treated very nicely there.(maybe the other woman) Maybe she doesn't get as much attention from him as he does from you. I would ask her why she wants to stay with you. Maybe ask her Yes and No Questions to help you understand what she is feeling. Just some thoughts.

S.,
Talk to your daughter and let her know it is ok to tell you anything. Tell her that there should be no secrets and she should not be afraid to talk to you about anything. Let her know that if something is going on you wont tell her dad and you will not make her go to his house- but only if you can really not make her go. You are going to have to make sure that she understands that it is ok to tell mommy anything- even if someone says not to tell. I talk to my kids about secrets and people who are not nice all the time and they know that they can trust me enough to tell me if someone is not doing something right. You are going to have to find out if your ex or the new interest is the source for her not wanting to visit and why. I would have the talk about how it is not ok for ANYONE to be mean or to touch her inappropriately (explain this part in terms she will understand, of course). It could just be that it is hard for her to see daddy with someone else. I would try not to make too much of it but I would also make sure to find out what is going on! Good luck, hope this helps, T.

just a thought, but you said you have 3 kids - maybe you could explain to dad that she's having some "issues" and maybe keep her home for one visit, she might see her sibs leaving without her and change her mind. especially if she sees that when they're gone you just do "boring" stuff like clean the house! or on the other hand, she might just be feeling insecure and actually the one-on-one time with mommy might help. it's a rough time and you and soon-to-be-ex need to put the kiddos' feelings first. do what you have to, to make them okay. good luck!

If there's someone else that she trusts, and talks to; have them ask her why she dosen't want to go see her dad. If there isn't anyone like that just sit her down, and tell her that she has to tell you why, and that wanting to stay home with mom isn't a good enough reason. If you suspect that there may be something going on that shouldn't be going on when she goes to his house; have a mother daughter bonding evening, and tell her that she can tell you anything, and make her feel safe. Talk to her almost like she's your girlfriend so that she feels more open with you. And asure her that you can't fix it or protect her if she dosen't confide in you.

If it's just a case of his house being boring, and missing her mom and the way things used to be. You need to tell her and make her understand that her dad needs to be able to see her too. Make her understand that he loves her and misses her and that it isn't fare to him to not get to see her and spend time with her. Tell her that when he can't see her all the time he cries alot. No little girl wants to know that she makes one of her parents cry.

She may be feeling guilty about having fun over there. Let her know it's ok to love mommy and daddy..and also ask your husband to tell her the same. Foster kids go through the same thing when they are getting new parents and have bonded with their foster family. We had to give our kids persmission to love both of us and let them know we WANTED them to love their foster family. We reminded them every few weeks how much fun they had over there and how much their foster family loved them and we were so glad they were loved and felt like they had a safe place and blah blah blah. Now they don't feel guilty and they're just our girls.

Try to ask her if she misses you when she is gone, or if her dad is angry when she is there. Ask if she is hurt by her dad or the new girlfriend. See if she will draw you pictures of what she felt like when she comes home from a visit. Be careful not to badmouth your ex, I was always listening to my divorced parents badmouth eachother, and it will make a poor memmory for your little one when she needs you the most. Good luck, God bless!

is there a court order in effect?

mi skids would always rather stay at "home" with mom. why wouldn't they? we understand. thank goodness there mom also undertsands that it is very important for the kids to have a relationship with dad, and dads family. i know it is hard. especially while you are going through a messy d.

once the kids get to our house everything is great. they are perfectly happy. seeing mom upset does not help when it is time to go to dads. it is hard when they are little and the situation is new. in a couple of years you might like a free weekend and some "me" time.

on a different note it is also important to make sure dad holds up his end as a father. if you let the kids stay with you he might slack with his responsibilties. he needs to stay bonded so he can do right by the kiddo. the other women needs to know the kids are a priority.

good luck. i have never had to send my child away for the weekend. i do not know that kind of pain. i am on the other side with a man who is a great father to all his children. the skids mom also know this, despite there differences.

Does your daughter like to play with dolls? You can do two things here to maybe shed some light on what is going on with her. One: watch her very closely as she plays. Many times things that are being said to her or around her with come out in play as well as negative feelings or actions. Two: Ask her to act out a visit with daddy with her dolls, assigning rolls and names to each doll. Psychiatrists often use this method to help pinpoint problems in younger, more non-verbal children.
Most importantly, make it plain to hubby and new girlfriend that they need to talk about you in a nice way and you need to do the same for daddy. I know that you have a lot to be angry about, but he is still your daughter's father.
If you find that she just isn't comfortable going to visit him at his new home, suggest someplace nuetral like McDonalds.
Good luck. I hope for the best for your family. Pray.

First of all, remember that little kids can get attatched easily to one parent especially if she is w/ one, more of the time. Just explain to her that daddy loves her very much and he is looking forward to seeing her and he would be very sad if he didn't get to see her, and that you will be here when she comes back. Also, be sure to not bad mouth her dad (even if he did do something that wasn't good). He is still her father and you need to respect her feelings. She will end up resenting you if you talk bad about her dad. She may be overhearing you talking to your friends about her dad and being such a young age, the bad things she here's can scare her. So just be carefull what you say to her, or around her.

Hi there! I too have 3 kiddos and for 3 years was a single mom. I am now remarried to the best man in the world! Anyway, I don't want to say it is nothing but it may be that. Maybe she is just not used to being away from you. I mean that takes some adjusting. Maybe it is because another woman is there and she does not like that idea. Maybe he pays no attention to them when they are there. I have been through all of these with my kids. PLEASE feel free to email me as it seems we may have alot in common and I made it thru.....so can you and I will be happy to help you, give you advice or just listen.

S.
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