Child Support - Altamonte Springs,FL

My ex does the same. Even to the extent of trying to get custody of the children back. Not that he wanted to raise them - just to not have to pay. It is sad and it cost me a lot of money to defend.

I bet you and I can swap some stories! Maybe we should over a cup of coffee!!

A.
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Most are. but a few don't mind because they know it takes money to raise kids. But the ones that are resentful are the ones that want to give yo money when THEY FEEL like it. don't pay any attention! He will be alright.

Yes, I think it is normal but it doesn't make it right. Not to say that there aren't some great dads that make their payments with no hesitation. But mostly, I think it is b/c child support does take a big chunk out of their take-home-pay - especially for the middle to lower economic situations. They do have to make a living too and don't want to live in a box. And, many mothers, including mine when I was a kid, use it for themselves instead of for the kids. The courts do have a skewed opinion of the percentage of the father's income that is due. My brother-in-law (who is a no frills kind-of-guy and has never made more than 20,000 a year) had to live with his parents and could not have a car b/c his child support was so high. I know I sound like am 'pro dad' but my experiences are from a side where the women took advantage. You certainly don't sound like that type! And in actuality, your ex may just want someone to blame for his problems - and who is easier to blame than you? Sorry to hear you have to deal with this, being divorced is no fun.

It seems fairly normal to me, but it shouldn't be. You have every right to receive what is fair to help raise your children. My ex wouldn't pay me a dime if he could help it even though he has 4 other kids and knows darn well it takes money to raise children. He can be upset all he wants. I could be wrong, but it sounds like he wants to engage you in an argument and doesn't want to take responsibility for his own actions. I wouldn't let it get to you. It is his problem, not yours.

L.-
I know my brother resents it, not because he doesn't want to support his kids, but because he has no control on how his ex spends it "for the kids."
S.

I am sorry but since you have the kids most of the time and do most of the work and spend most of your money on it....who cares if he resents it. Even if he is a great dad (sorry but it does not sound like he is) he should realize that the little amount of money he gives you does not make up for all the money you spend. I am not suggesting that you tell him this, bc it will just cause a fight, but I would not worry about it just take care of your LO and hopefully he will do the same. Oh and yes I have never ever heard a dad say that they like to pay child support, and I have worked in food service, when I was younger, where for some reason almost all the dads there pd support. odd.

I don't know if this would be a wierd thing, or if it's possible since some of my idea would require him to live nearby - it would depend on your relationship with your ex... Would you be willing/able, and would HE be willing/able to spend it together, or see the budget of what goes where? And if there was a surplus for some reason, would you want him to have it, or at least give him the option to use it for the kids?

I have no idea what my dad had to deal with and what my mom did with the child support. I have a non-existant relationship with my mom and don't trust her as far as I could throw her, so I wouldn't be surprised if she used it for her as much as for us.

If he's a relatively reasonable guy, show him what's going for living expenses - utilities, etc. He has to understand that the roof over their head has to be taken care of. If it's possible to share the experience of doing the directly kid-related stuff with him - clothes shopping, shoes, school stuff - involve him. If he's part of the experience, especially if it can be positive, he can see what's going on, what it takes to take care of them, and also build some positive memories.

I hope this helps! Good luck.

I think it's normal to complain about having to give up any money for anything. Unfortunately, fathers I know that owed child support simply took off and never paid it. I can only think of one who really stepped up. My husband's father also paid for his ex to go to college so she could get a degree and a good job. And he did it willingly. I'm sure there are other fathers who do too, but I just don't know any. What they are forgetting is the impact children have on the paycheck even if the parents are together. They are not being ripped off, they are simply continuing to provide for that. It just seems different because it comes out in one payment instead of slowly like it normally does. And in direct response to Jena- the men I have known (not my own husband btw) have RUN off. They didn't give the option of joint custudy. They didn't want the kids. They left, and left their ex's struggling. They made feeble attempts here and there to call their kids, but that was it. I have been a SAHM for 11 years. So if my husband suddenly left and left me with the kids, it would be a struggle. Who is going to hire a woman (and offer her a living wage) after 11 years out of the workplace? I have no doubt that there are women out there like you are describing, but you shouldn't generalize. Even I (knowing only one responsible ex of the 5 I personally know) can concede that there are other responsible men out there.

Yes, I would say they do resent it. For some reason they think the mother uses the money to buy things for herself. They are too ignorant to realize child support is for aiding in raising their children. Mothers pay living expenses;i.e mortgage/rent, utilities, food, clothes, medical, dental and the list goes on and on. Yet, the man will only see that new handbag you bought or new shoes(that you needed because the old ones had holes in them!) and he will think, "oh great, she using my money to buy herself things". I had bought a new car just prior to my ex and I splitting up (baby was 2 mos old), and he flat out told me that he wasn't giving me money because he wasn't going to pay for my car. That was 2.5 years ago, and I've never gotten a dime from him. He apparently isn't concerned there is a court order, and sadly it's only for $53/wk. Your ex may complain, but if he's paying, well, you're luckier than some...

Every man I ever met who pays child support

L.
My ex does the exact same thing! He likes to call me up and gripes about how he has no money and all of it is going to child supoort, and i just like you tell him it is based on our incomes. he won't take any advice on budgeting - I think he "just wants me to know" so I will feel guilty or something...

Men who are accustomed to a spouse earning income and then staying at home with the baby are resentful. It's immature; but it's how they take it.

Both my brothers are divorced and pay child support. They are great dad's, but they still resent the child support payments. In their cases, it's not the fact that they have to give the mother's the money, it's the way the moms spend the money. My oldest brother's exwife puts all the child support money in savings accounts for the girls (which is great!) but then she complains because he doesn't also pay for the girls' school fees, tball fees, 4H fees, Girl Scout fees, etc. He usually winds up paying for all the activities that she signs the kids up for, which is what the child support money is suppose to be for. My younger brother's exwife never spends the money he pays her on the kids. She takes it and goes shopping. That's why they resent the child support. They would both rather just take their kids out and spend the money directly on them.

I, personally, have never had to deal with this issue, as I am married, never been divorced. I do have A LOT of friends who have ex's that try to blame them for their money situation. Don't feel bad and I would not allow him to do that to you. He ought to be the one keeping the child. If they think it's hard to stroke out that measley check once a month, they ought to try to keep them do everything for them and work! The money he gives you is no where near what you spend! I would nicely explain that to him! He is your ex, tell him that you don't want to hear his money problems.......

I do not know first hand but most of my friends who get child support, their ex are always complaining and sometimes telling the children that mommy is spending all their money on herself, and he is giving away everything to mommy .. so no you can't be alone. I used to work as IT director for HR and payroll -- so I know how many court orders we had to deal with as the guy will not give the money to spouse, which has been determined by court. You should tell him that you are sorry he feels that way .. he should have thought about money before he got divorced. He has to pay for his children' expense whether he likes it or not.

Sorry -- you are in the middle of this.

I suspect that most dads resent child support. Having to pay a certain amount at a certain time takes away their ability to have control. Some would be OK with paying if it were there idea about amount and time. They would be responsible about it too. But I'm afraid that many divorced men do not have a sense of responsibility, perhaps because they do not really understand how much it costs to raise a child.

How long have you been divorced. My grandchild's father complained for the first couple of years but it's been 5+ years and the complaining is not so much. I think it did help for my daughter and perhaps his mother talking specifics about cost with him.

For example, he said my daughter would have to pay rent even if she didn't have their son. Good point. But she does have his son and he does have to live somewhere. It's not only the mother's fault that the marriage didn't last. She has the lion's share of the work. His way of sharing responsibility for the creation of his son is to help with the rent. Another way of looking at it is that the woman may be able to find a smaller place that costs less if she didn't have a child.

My granddaughter began letting her ex know the cost of things as related to their son. Eventually he seemed to understand better. Eventually he and a girl friend moved in together. Up until then he was living with his parents. I think getting a life for himself also helped to reduce the animosity. Living on his own, which he'd never done before his marriage to my daughter, helped him to realize how expensive living is.

He'd complained about money when they were married, too. When my daughter was off work on maternity leave, he thought he should have total say over how the money was spent because he earned the money. My sense is that many men have not had realistic experience with money and expenses as well as how to share resources. Their mothers took care of them and they expect their wives to do the same. Cost accounting may help in reducing the amount of animosity they feel at having no control over their income.

It is always easier to blame someone else for one's own money problems. I hesitate but I feel that I must respond to the idea that because a father makes very little money he should not have to pay the basic amount that the courts order. Making this baby was his choice. It costs the same to take care of a baby no matter how much money the parents have. The chart that determines how much child support to levy takes into consideration both parent's income. When there is not much money the child still needs to be taken care of. If the parents had remained together they would have to find a way to make ends meet. They still have that responsibility when they're apart. Because they cannot cooperatively resolve the issue for themselves the court must do so. The court is very limited in what they can do. The system is set up to consider basic circumstances but it is not able to include personal circumstances other than the amount of money available at the time. A levy of a flat amount is all that they can do. The couple themselves have the right to change their own circumstances, such as getting a better paying job, but usually they are too involved in emotional issues that they aren't able to manage other changes or ways of cooperating. Or it may be that a better job can't be had. It's still not the other ex-spouses fault.

As to whether or not the mother is spending money on herself, rather than on the children. If the children are fed and clothed, live in reasonable circumstances, how can one know that they are not spending the money on the children? She has other income or she couldn't spend the money on herself and not the children. Once divorced, one has no control over how the ex spends her money as long as the children are taken care of in a reasonable manner. I see the accusation that the mother is spending the money on herself and not the kids as most often a continuation of anger because the father has lost control of what he sees as his money. The father and mother share equal responsibility for the welfare of their children. Yes, the father is at a disadvantage financially because he does have to maintain a separate residence for himself and the mother doesn't. But the mother "pays" for having help paying for her residence by having most of the responsibility for physically taking care of the children. As we all know being the live in parent is a difficult role.

I suggest that it may help if you can show your ex some sympathy for his lack of money. And at the same time give him receipts or in some way account for some of the expenses. Showing him a budget might help. But it will only help if he wants to share responsibility. It will not help if he needs a reason to complain. Some people are not happy, literally, unless they can blame others for the circumstances that they help create.

I do wish that young people were aware on a deep personal level of the responsibilities, to include the expenses, of raising a child. It's not too late to learn this after the fact so that they can accept the responsibilities. It's just a matter of finding a way to show them that has meaning to them and in a way that does not feel critical of them.

Hi L.,
I am sorry to hear that. I have a similar problem. My soon to be ex pays under the state guidelines & constantly threatens to not pay at all. Once the divorce goes through I will have his pay checks garnished. He has never felt a responsiblity to support our child or myself. I was forced to pay most of the bills on my salary, which had been about 26k until I was laid off 4 years ago & have since done odd jobs. Somewhere along the line these men got it in their heads that they didn't have to support their families. I hope this will change soon. Good Luck to you!
Victoria

they all complain about child support and they always will. mine even tried to take me back to court to reduce it and ended up giving me more. they don't learn there is a chart with guidelines both incomes are added and then divided there is nothing to it. sorry but it will probably never end good luck!

YES!! And again I say YES! I don't understand it but every man I have ever known (including my ex) hates and resents having to pay child support! NO matter how much money they make, It is always the cause of them being perpetually broke! My ex, still to this day, doesn't think he should have to pay any support because I was the one that left the relationship (even though I have sole custody of the kids). Don't let it get to you, it's just their way of putting the "blame" on someone else and you're an easy target because of the support. They only see it as you taking their money. It's like they don't get the fact that the money is for THEIR kids. Keep your chin up....this too shall pass!!!