Divorced moms - I desperately need some advice. I've been divorced for nine years and had three young children at the time. My ex and I lived a half mile from each other and equally split time with the kids and their expenses. Because everything was 50/50 and we were amicable and both earning equally, there was no child support established. Three years later, he re-married and moved and that started an ugly, costly school district battle. I won and now have the kids 5 days a week and he sees them on the weekends (when their myriad of school/social activities allows.) He continued to pick up half of the extra-curricular expenses and paid me regularly, but my new husband and I have shouldered the ever-increasing expenses of feeding, clothing, housing, etc. three teenagers. Has anyone fed two 6 ft. plus teenage boys lately? With the economy as it is and the kids' expenses skyrocketing, I finally sought child support late last year. After months of paperwork and hearings, I was granted what I believe to be a fair, but not excessive, support amount. My ex is LIVID and claiming he absolutely cannot afford this. (He's upside-down on his house, has heavy credit card debt, blah, blah, blah.) He's offered to pay me about a quarter of what the court awarded, wants to pay me directly and will continue to pick up half on the "extra" stuff. Bottom line is, we need that support money and I'm entitled to it. I estimate he's saved $75,000 - $100,000 in support payments he should have been making since our 50/50 arrangement ended in 2003. He's so angry and has essentially been harassing me to "work this out between us." Obviously, I don't want to bankrupt him and I want him to continue to be good to the kids, but I don't know his true financial situation. He and his wife both work and they seem to live pretty comfortably, but the court only looks at income and doesn't really consider the debt load you're carrying. Is he playing me? I honestly don't know. Has anyone else faced this dilemma? I feel like I'm alone in this and I don't know what to do.
And a word of advice to anyone divorcing with young kids - get what you deserve from day one and stay in control of the situation. SO hard to work it out after the fact.
You will not bankrupt him -- he will bankrupt himself (if it happens) with the choices he's made, not you. Get what you deserve.
Hello,
I am sorry for all of your stress!! But I just wanted to comment and let you know to let the court deal with it! Don't take undocumented payments any longer sense you have filed on him. His money is his issue, its tough out there now, but you don't need him to drag you under, he made a life long commitment when those boys were born and you have done as much as you can thus-far to work with him. Let the State do its thing you wont regret it if something goes awry!
Good luck!!
If he was paying you in the first place (50/50 as you agreed) you wouldn't have gone to court. You did the right thing by going to court. I know it sucks to think that your hurting his financial situation but your not. He's simply supporting his kids - the way that he should have been years ago. Don't drop the case. If he lives beyond his means that's not your fault. Why shoud you suffer financially because he isn't holding up his end of the deal. As far as the way he treats the kids go you just have to hope for the best and that his attitude problem will pass. Sounds like your kids are older so they will be able to see the truth through his actions. Hang in there.
L. don't feel guilty about his debt. You didn't put him there. HE is responsible for paying support and do not do this between the 2 of you. It will not work out in the end. My dad didn't pay support because he didn't want to, so when I turned 28 I decided on my mom's behalf to take him to court to sue for back child support, guess what? He paid it to her everyone month until he died last June. I made sure of that and he was low income living on social security. Shame on him for not paying when he should have. The best thing that happened is the time before he died, my mom ended up with his stimulus check of $1200 plus part of my stepmother's death benefits. He did pay in the end.
My brother is now divorced, paying her directly and she is now saying that he didn't pay for anything and she's sueing him for all the support that he had already paid. Go through the system. If he doesn't like it he can go back to court and ask for a review. These are his children and he has responsibiliies.
I've been on both sides of this situation - both receiving support for my kids and with my husband paying support for his children. In the end, what the Friend of the Court (FOC) recommends is exactly that...a recommendation. My ex was unhappy about the amount he had to pay. Since I made more than him, he actually got off pretty easy. On the other hand, my husband knew that his ex couldn't keep the kids in the house they had grown up in if she was only getting what the court ordered. He willingly paid extra. We are now in a situation where I've been laid off and making ends meet is tough. But, my husband wouldn't consider changing how much he pays for support. It is his obligation to take care of his children - regardless of what the financial situation is in our home.
If you want to be truly fair to your ex - in the interest of keeping the peace - figure out what it actually costs to provide for the kids. You then have to look at the percentage split they calculated for excess medical expenses. This will give you who should be paying what percentage of the costs based on your income and his. Unless you both make the same amount of money, it won't be 50/50. Use the percentages to calculate his share of the expenses. If the actual expenses are less than what he is paying, offer to go to FOC and get the amount adjusted. As long as the two of you agree to the amount, the FOC won't argue against changing it. If the amount he is paying is less than the actual expenses it might help him to understand that you are only asking him to provide for the kids. I know my ex seemed to think that the child support money provided me with a luxurious lifestyle when in fact it didn't even begin to cover the costs of caring for the children.
Good luck! In the end, you have to do what is right for your kids. After all, this is really only about them.
I have just been through this, but the other way around--it's 50/50 time, but I have to pay my ex-husband child support. The court certainly did look at debts, expenses, etc. with us. Child support is being directly taken out of my check before I get it, and that is now standard in Michigan, even if the payer has never been behind. It sounds as though that's what you'll have to do, go through Friend of the Court/State of Michigan. Then he'll just have to deal with his bills/debt. Good luck--
H.
His debt is not your problem! He has kids and has got off to easy for to long! He needs to pay HALF of what ever it costs to raise them. It is up to the court to decide a far amount. They don't just pull a number out of the air, there are very strict formulas they use to figure support. Do not let him pay you directly! Friend of the court is the best way, that way there are records of what he paid and didn't. Good luck!
I have never been in this situation, but it says a lot about your character that you have tried to go so long without demanding child support. Of course he is stressed/angry because he is in debt. It is not your fault that he got himself into that situation. It's not about you. You want this support for your children, and rightfully so. If he can't be amicable then just let the legal people handle it. Best of luck and congratulations on finally being happy!
L. ~
Deffinitely keep going through friend of the court...whether it makes him angry or not. They will keep track of everything. The amount is normally based on his income and your income both, so the amount is fair. Tell him to get over it, they're his kids too. Also, if he falls behind, friend of the court will take his income tax refunds and send them to you. It's not your problem if he has credit card debt, or any other debt for that matter. You have debts too. They will make him pay until they graduate from high school, or turn 18, whichever comes last. And if he's behind, it will continue until it's paid off.
good luck!
D.
Hello L., It was your ex's choice to move away from the children, not yours. That does put you into a sticky situation. The children are the ones who deserve child support, and that is what you ex needs to hear. Don't back down on this L., you are doing the right thing for the kids. Yes kids eat alot, I had all 3 of mine in high school at the same time, and when they had friends over they could clean out the cupboards in one weekend. Let the ex know that his kids didn't rack up the credit cards, morgage over their heads, or move away. These where HIS choices!! And don't let him pay you directly or the court cannot inforce things if he gets behind. Good luck.
L.,
I wish you had it easier I think you could if you wanted. You and your husband seemed like you had a pretty good arrangement going till he got remarried. That is when it seems (by your story) to have turned around.
Everyone here is saying that his debt is not your problem well neither is it his problem for yours. He does have a responsibility to his children but if the economic times are hard on you right now isn't just possible they are hard on him to.
I have been divorced for many years with boys. My Ex and I ( who are truly still to this day great friends) always did what was best for kids. We split and still do (they are 20/23) if they need something that they can't afford Mom and Dad are there.
Does your ex pay the insurance for the kids, that expense has increased with most insurance companies. My advice is don't be bitter (which I don't think you are) but reading some of these post I could see how you could get there.
You guys had a good relationship after the divorce, so I would sit down just you and him and see if you can come to an agreement without involving the courts. He might surprise you.
I wish you all the luck in the world and may you be blessed.
Dear L., you have saved him tons of money by not going after support in the first place. Your children deserve to be supported by their father. His debt is his problem, not the kids. You are absolutely right in asking for support. As a woman who had a husband who never paid anything for his child, I know that you are right. My current husband was a God-send and raised my boy as if he were his own and did it while paying support on his 2 kids. We managed just fine and by the way, we ended up with a total of 6 and managed on one salary. Don't feel guilty. Hope this helps, L.
I had a similar situation with my ex. My advice? Let the court deal with it! It is not your responsiblity to worry about his debt. You need to worry about you and your kids. Is he paying you? Think of it this way, who is taking care of the kids, housing them, feeding, trasnporting them? It sounds like you are.
Remember, what would happen if there was a disagreement, and the ex just decided to stop paying? This happened to me, and your best bet it to keep it in the court.
I agree with the previous post. His debt isn't your problem. He needs to find away to pay for your kids. Do not let him pay you directly. I tried that once and than he stopped paying what he said he would or not as much. It is easier to let the friend of the court handle keeping track and setting the amount. He helped make the kids and he needs to help support them. He's had a great deal so far and he needs to step up now.
L.,
I'm sorry, but I don't see how his debt load is your children's problem or fault. It's a shame that he doesn't feel helping to support them is more important or at least as important as any bill he's racked up for something material. The money is not for you, regardless of who it goes to, it is to help with the regular care of his children. Please do not let him off the hook for this.
My ex-husband and I have always been amicable, but over the years different circumstances have changed him and his attitude. He was a generous and giving man and now is neither. It was my children who suffered and still are (they are now 22 and 19) and I am ashamed that I allowed him to guilt me into not being strong when I should have.
Keep your children in mind when you make your choices. Even if that money just went for extras... don't you think they deserve it?
Good luck and shame on your ex..
I believe in you
L.
I agree with the other posters....HIS debt is NOT YOUR responsibility.....if both him and his wife are working and they are drowning in debt they have been living beyond their means and it isn't your concern....do what you need to do to be able to feed those boys (bottomless pits) and know that you are doing what is right for your family
I am going through the same type of harassment right now. I get the Im gonna lose my house on a weekly basis line and the all too familiar, let me pay you directly also, I have a five month old baby boy and a three year old girl. I actually do pretty well for myself and I have told the obligor that I dont need his money, he went to the FOTC himself, he brought it on himself. I would just offer this piece of advice to you, dont feel bad for taking his child support money, he had a part in making the family with you, and the children are his obligation also, and if you feel he would treat the children bad because of it, then you should address it with the court also. The children are the main thing to focus on, he needs to help pay, and since the support was issued, he needs to pay it and not harass you, but dont let him make you feel guilty, and just like you said, the court looks at the finances, he obviously met some kind of formula with the court financial stuff, tell him to not involve you in his mind games, and do whats right for the kids.
It sounds like this also has to do with the new spouses, and the week-ends that he doesn't get to see his kids. Can't he take them to their week-end events? Did he move that far away? He might feel like he is being pushed out of their lives. Give him the choice to take them to their events or let them stay with you on those week-ends. It might help the overall situation if he can still feel a part of their lives.
As far as the child support goes, it hurts when you are used to living a certain way and then it all goes away. Plus be sure you are being responsible with the money. If I send the eyeglass bill to my ex, I don't also send the contact lense bill (really do they need both, or am I indulging?). If your taking expensive trips and asking for more money while he has to give up stuff, I can see the anger becoming an issue.
I am not saying that you are doing anything wrong... my ex threw a fit because he lost custody and had to pay child support. When he got remarried, we were back in court... when I got remarried we were back in court... it was a never ending battle! Maybe if you and him can sit down and talk without the new spouses and ask him... "what are you really upset about" and keep asking it until you hear something other than money, then maybe you can work it out.
Good luck to you. If you can calm things down and really talk, you can save years of hurt.
Or, you can do all the fighting through the friend of the court, like I did, and keep fighting al the time.
he is playing you they do account for his basic living expenses.. and the kids are still his responsibility also.. if the tables were turned he would be going after you for support. do not let him get to you. if he is knee deep in debt its not your kids or your fault. he needs to help out with the expenses of raising them. and DO NOT let him pay you directly. cause he can claim he paid but if he pays thru the court they will know and they will take care if he doesnt.
i have been there. my 1st hubby only gave me 300.00 a mth for 2 boys and never got a penny more in the 18 yrs he paid so i understand completely...he said i should be able to raise them on that.
good luck
M.
