Children at Funerals?

I have a friend who is now close to 30 y/o that can not go to funerals still. Her mother did not feel it was appropiate to take to funerals until she was about 10 years old and she couldn't deal with it. We had a very close friend of ours pass, and she literally made herself sick and totally depressed to think about walking into the funeral (even just the mass or prayer service).
I couldnt stand the fact that my son would be so fearful of such an important part of life, moving to the after life. I have been taking him to funerals since he was very young. Each time we discuss a different part of the funeral, or a part more in depth. He is 5 now. He is capable of walking up to the cascit and saying a prayer for the person to have a quick trip to heaven and their family to have a short grieving processed and be able to truely celebrate their loved ones life. We discuss heaven, and the wonderful place it is. I did avoid the grave yard for a few years. I wasn't sure how he would deal with seeing where we put the body. The last funeral we went to he did go to the grave yard, and he was OK with it, BUT it was a closed cascuit funeral. I'm not sure he associated with the body being in it or not.
Our family is close, and grateful that everyone is there to celebrate the life, and know that we are each grieving in our own way.

If it were me, I think I would take her to the wake but not to the funeral. It has been my experience that people enjoying seeing the little ones at times like this as it reminds them of the whole life cycle, but at the funeral she will be expected to be quiet and still and that can be alot to ask from a 3-year-old.

I agree - take her to the wake but not the funeral.

My then 11 year old and 2 year old son attended my moms wake and funeral and also all 4 of my children(then 13,5,4 and 3) attended my uncles funeral last summer. It all went very well both times and I think they were a welcome change during such a sad time. We were not the only family who had their small children there. Death is a normal part of life and I think by letting them attend it may take some of the mystery and fear away from death. Not only that but anyone i trusted to keep my children were there at the funerals. Everyone seemed to take care of them, passing them around. I would never not have my children attend but that's just my opinion for what it's worth.

Unless SHE has had a very close relationship with this person, I would not take her. There is no reason for her to be there, and chances are it will just upset her more than anything. Plus, you, your husband and his parents as well (all people that she is very close with) will want to be free to express your grief and that is hard to do in front of your child, especially for men. When I hear the term "wake" I think of the luncheon after the funeral service. If that is what you are talking about, maybe you could pick her up from the sitters for that part. Usually by then, most people are pretty much done crying and it is more of a social atmosphere.

I really think that she is too young. She will not understand. If there is a gathering at a house afterwards taker her then. Then everyone can see her and it will be a more relaxed event. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into taking her if you don't want to. Even an advnaced 3 year old is too young. I would talk to her about death, there are many good books about it for her age, before you put her in that situation.
Plus if you take her you will not get a chance to grieve. You and your husband deserve the time to be upset and mourn without worrying how it affects her.

My mother, father-in-law, and uncle-in-law all passed away this year. My son will be 3 in two weeks and he doesn't think anything has changed. He saw my mom about once a week but never asked why she doesn't come over anymore. I did not talk with him about it as he seemed to young to really understand. It sounds as if your daughter may be different from my son in this respect. We have taken our children to wakes but only to the funeral for my mom and father-in-law. We went to a wake for a friend of ours and thank goodness we didnt take the kids because we had to wait in line for almost an hour just to see the spouse. It wasn't an issue of how the children would reack to death, just a matter of keeping a young child occupied and semi quiet for an extended length of time. I think whatever you decide, your family will understand.

Hi D. - I'm sorry that you are anticipating a loss in your family. My answer would be that it depends on how close the child is to the person who has died. If it is someone she sees only once in a while, I don't see the need to present her with it, especially if she has an active imagination. If it is someone close that she has spent a lot of time with, I would take her.

My father passed away at the age of 58 from cancer. My son was too small to understand (10 mos), but my niece and nephew were very young preschool/school-aged and needed to be able to understand what had happened to him. My father was a wonderful, interactive grandfather who used to romp on the floor and attend recitals. They were allowed to see him immediately after he passed and then again at the funeral home. It was a chance for our family to explain about our faith and beliefs. The hospice nurses gave us some materials to read on how to explain loss to children and they advised us that children need to have an explanation of some sort.

Hope that helps!

My husband's grandfather passed away last year and our then not yet 2 year old was actually very welcome. My husband's (then)4 year old sister was also there and she was very well behaved and welcome. I think your child should be alright going, sometimes the brightness and life a child has is a welcome feeling in such a place. My daughter is very out going and happy, her pure joy and happiness eased the hearts of those who where hurting. At one point she even got away from me and went running down the ails toward the speaker. I was worried that it bothered the others there, but my MIL caught her and held her. People came up to me and thanked me for bringing my daughter and that her carefree jog made them smile and they needed it. I didn't just let her run wild mind you, but if your in-laws are close they should have some compassion for small children.

Ask your little one if she wants to go. Explain but keep things simple and try not to go into too much detail. Even though you may or may not believe in a Heaven, it might help her at this age to think that her family member is in a good place where she'll never be sick again.

Good luck to you.

Hi D.,

My 10yr-old has been very mature for her age since pre-school as well. This summer she and I attended a closed-casket visitation for a young mother and her 4-yr-old daughter. They were in the same casket together, they died in a fiery plane crash. It was a deep moment for my daughter and me. The little girl loved stickers, so each visitor placed one of her stickers on the casket. We both understood that we were celebrating their LIFE.

My sister was 3 when my grandma died, and she asked my aunt "When will Grandma wake up?" It was definitely a learning experience for her, and a time to share our faith about leaving our earthly bodies here and our souls going to Heaven. I don't remember if she attended the funeral/burial. But have an escape plan if your daughter needs to be a child. At the funeral home for my grandma, there was a more casual room where my cousins and I could hang out, have snacks, etc.

Peace,
K.