Children's Activities & Visitation Schedules

I did not go through this myself but a close friend did, though not to the degree you are -- her ex soon realized it was best for their son to maintain his activities while on "dad's time."

A lot may depend on the ages of your children. Your ex needs to realize: By the time kids are in grade school, they are often involved in activities in which children who do not participate fully -- the ones who miss the weekend sports practice, or the dad's-evening dance rehearsal, etc. -- are eventually thrown out of the activity. Activities increasingly become commitments once kids are old enough and that happens pretty fast especially in sports, dance or music (group) performance. If for instance you have a child who is in a sport, eventually a coach is going to say, "If Kid can't be at the weekend practices he needs to find a team that doesn't do competitions. It's not fair to other players if one player is consistently not at Saturday practices and games--they won't know how to play as a team." I know that if my child were not at all her Saturday rehearsals for ballet performances, she would quickly be removed from the studio's performing group, and membership in that group is hugely important to her.

So dad needs to be told that the "not on my time" attitude will affect the kids and stifle their ability to progress if that's what they want to do. It's a bigger deal once they are about third to fourth grade when commitments are expected from groups and teams. Even if it's an individual thing like tennis or a piano lesson or some other solo activity, if they are in lessons, a teacher will soon drop them as a student if they consistently are missing classes.

He needs to find out that the KIDS, not you, will end up resenting this deeply. Are your kids old enough to tell dad for themselves how the feel about their activites? Are the old enough to stand up to him and tell him that they know they will be asked to leave something they enjoy if he refuses to take them? If so, it may be up to them. You could always find a way to have a coach or teacher let him know (but without letting on that you intervened -- sounds like he would just get angry if he knew that). Maybe if he takes a kid to an event just once and the coach or teacher says, "Sorry to hear about your family situation, I wanted you to know that we expect to see Kid on weekends and weeknights and hope you will volunteer with us...." or whatever...maybe that would influence him?

Sadly, he is just using the kids' activities as a way to control and upset YOU. He is not thinking of the kids' needs at all. They are individuals who have their own interests and if he is going to be their dad, he needs to support those interests. But his focus is on himself. He is claiming that he wants every second of "his" time with them so he can be a dad, but being a dad means letting THEM be themselves -- even on his time. His time is their time too.

My friend went through a lot of that sort of thing -- her ex being very possessive of "his" time with their son. Once son was a bit older, the son was the one who told his dad, I intend to do this thing and if you will not take me I will call my uncle or someone who will drive me there, because my team is depending on me. It never came to that but it worked on the dad.

I'm sad for your kids that they have to deal with this. I know from being a child of divorce that it's not fair they just want the same opportunities as other kids who don't have to deal with parent visitation issues. Here is what I would do. I would just sign them up for what they want to participate in. Make sure it is a reasonable number of activities and only the ones your child is really excited about. Then share all the of the info with your ex as soon as you can. Remind him that the activity is important to his child, the schedule is what it is and you did not have control over it. If he can see the whole schedule, maybe he will see some activities happen on your time too. And then make it easy for him if he is lazy or reluctant, you can provide directions, equipment, everything. Encourage your child to tell their Dad they are excited for him to take them to baseball or dance or whatever so he can see all that goes on. He may come around. If the ex refuses, I would talk to the coach or activity teacher and explain your child's absence on certain dates is out of yours and your child's control. And hopefully ex will come around when he sees that he is only going to build resentment with his kids by not allowing them a few games or practicies on "his time" For playdates, I would just really encourage your kids to invite kids when they are with you, since their Dad isn't as flexible. If they are invited TO a playdate or party on Dad's days, they should have to approve it with him first, or may a counter-offer to the friend to come to your house for a playdate on a different day instead. How Dad handles the kids' social requests will be up to him. If he is totally inflexible, he's the one who is going to damage his relationship with the kids.

I am married to someone who had a child from first marriage and also come from divorced parents. Here it is...as for the sports activities on the weekends, you need to have it put in your divorce agreement that the kids are allowed to do them and when it's his weekend he needs to take them and I'm not sure why your paying for all extra activities that should be split. There again get it in your agreement.

As for play dates, I do agree with him, most of those can be arranged to happen when it's not his weekend. It's not like your kids are missing out on their whole childhood if they miss a few play dates to be with their dad. All kids need to have that father and mother figure in their life so both of you need to realize that and support it. You see them more than him so these need to happen on his off weekends. As they get older, some of this will have to change and you'll figure that out when the time comes.

Get a mediator to help you pound out a parenting agreement. The most functional and happy divorced families I know have one. It will cover everything from commitment to activities to acceptable mileage between your homes to overnight visitors of the opposite sex.

It needs to be specified in the divorce visitation agreement, word for word. He may have some say in the actual activities chosen but he does need to be able to be vetoed if they really want to do it.

I think that it is so sad that a child works all year on dance routines then it's dad's weekend the day of the yearly recital and dad says no, I planned a picnic so you can't go.

Dad has the right to have his visitation and make plans. BUT he does not have the right to make his time interfere with their lives in such a way that it is hurtful to their chances of participation in sports that might pay their way through college or that they have a phenomenal talent in.

Children should never pay the price for a divorce and if they enjoy playing sports, etc.... they should be allowed to continue to do so despite your divorce. What you sign them up for should be reasonable - maybe 1 per child at a time. Your ex should grow up and become supportive of what your children are interested in...because when he doesn't want to take them to their activities - he's basically telling them that he doesn't care what their interests are. My ex has been invited to attend all of my children's outside activities since we divorced almost 8 years ago. He rarely ever takes them on weekends and so this is my way of trying to get him to show his sons that he cares about what they do. In a divorce - the focus should be on the children - meeting their needs, maintaining the peace, doing what's in their best interests and KEEPING THEM OUT OF THE MIDDLE of your fights. The fact that he feels it is 'unfair" to him - speaks volumes about his immaturity and the fact that he is very self centered and selfish. He needs to change his attitude otherwise when your children are old enough to deny visitation - they will do so. They will go where they are supported - even if it is in a team setting - and by teammates. Do not make a big deal about this in front of your children - they will figure it out themselves fast enough. Hopefully he will realize that if it's important to them - it should be important to him as well. Good luck.

For my oldest when his dad does not take him to something I had prepaid for. I ask him to reimburse me for the moneys paid. If your ex is a total dirt bag he probably will not do so. But if you do it enough times.... It gets old. He will either start paying for missed events or he will start going.