Shared Parenting Arrangement?

I suggest finding some books on shared parenting. I applaud you for wanting to work it out. The only book, whose title I remember, is Mom's House, Dad's House or vice versa. Ask at the library for titles.

I know I am probably saying something most people will not agree with but I would suggest finding ways to grow love in your relattionship with the father of your children. He must have something going for him if you cared enough to have two children with him. I believe that in some ways love is a choice. Sorry if I am sounding offensive in any way. I know some marriages are not good for the partners and they need to end but lack of love to me is not a reason. I believe that love can grow if there are two realitivley good, mentally healthy people working at it. Please read the post someone wrote for another question today that has to do with children living in shared parenting homes. She talks about her personal experience as a child splitting time between two homes. Sometimes the best gift we can give ourselves is honoring our commitments even when the going gets tough.

My only advice is, everyone seems to be agreeing and it appears that things are amicable NOW. But be sure to put all the little details in writing in the custody/visitation order. You will be surprised at how fast things can go from being amicable and cordial to all out war.

Read The Five Love Languages by Gary CHapman regardless of what you do. For future relationships and ppast ones. You do not have a healthy view of love.

I can give you some incite from the nanny part of this equation. I am the nanny for a family who has shared parenting. the kids spend equal amounts of time at each parents house. there is a calendar on the fridge at both houses that says who's (parent) day it is. they are at moms for a day or two and then dads for a day or two. they have bedrooms at each house, clothes, toys etc. I am the one stable each day during the week. I go to the dads house each morning. if the kids are at dads they wake up and I fix breakfast, get the ready to go and off to school. after school every day they come back to dads house. if its moms day she brings them to me at dads house and I fix breakfast get them ready etc. She then picks them up when she gets off work. I am only ever at dads house. Sometimes the little one who is now 7 will look at me and say "who's house am I at today? oh yeah I forgot lol" the kids are really well adjusted. no big stress. they are used to it. I have been with them for 2 years now and while sports, dance classes and friends come and go I am a constant in their lives. If you are able to work out a situation like that to help smooth the way do it. It will be comforting for them to have the consistency.

I, too, am divorced from my daughter's dad. We honestly get along better now than we did when we were married. We divorced without a lawyer & worked everything out on our own.

The problem came in down the road -- when he brought another woman into my daughter's life. One that didn't treat my daughter nice at all. And then she didn't agree with our holiday setups & would cause this great mess just before each major holiday (when it was convenient for her/them). We've continued to talk & eventually work things out, but it's quite annoying & hurtful at times. It's absolutely terrible when my daughter is treated awful -- called names, forced to eat soap, has to clean up the dogs' poop every weekend, gets repeatedly hurt by her younger brother there & nothing gets done about it. Vacations are tough when they don't allow me to even know where they are going. They don't allow her to brush/floss her teeth (even when I buy & send flossers). They don't let her drink (not even water) for long periods of time. And when I call the police to see what I can do, they say it's not "bad enough" and that I'm not to bad mouth her father (which I don't) in front of her. There is nothing I can do, except talk to my daughter, make her know that she's special in God's eyes, talk to my ex to try to straighten out the behavior, and pray. We pray for her every single day that she's away from us. Many times with fear, not knowing if she's even safe or not.

I tell you all this so you can think further down the road. Just because you have it all worked out now, doesn't mean it'll stay this way. Really think through how this could change when your children start having 1-2 hours of homework every night. And after school activities. And boyfriends/girlfriends come into your lives. it's not easy, even if you do get along.

I completely disagree with Kerstin. You can't make yourself love someone. If those feelings aren't there, then they aren't there. I believe children learn how to love from their parents and if they see it as only a friendship, they may settle for something similar when they are older. My husband and I were both married before and in similar situations. He had children and I did not. But many times he has said he stayed so long because of the kids. They were both miserable. We have joint custody of his girls and our biggest problem is communication with his ex. Make sure the two of you talk. You have to find a way to put your personal feelings about the person aside and communicate for your children. Don't send messages through the kids, this is not their job. Also, be flexible with your time with the kids. If he has to work late and you don't, trade a day with him so they aren't with a sitter unnecessarily. Things will come up in both your lives. Lastly, mediation is so much easier and costs less if you both are agreeable to things. I wish you both the best through this transition.

We have seperated a few times but he stayed in the house. I just moved his stuff into one of the kids rooms. We both came and went and our only interaction was about the kids. It worked well for us. The only thing is......every time, we ended up reconciling. Theres always that moment when I see him sleeping with my girl on his chest and I forget why it was we ever seperated in the 1st place! Or he'll get all romantic and "win me back." I'm really glad of that. But the motivation was always for him to be a full time dad in the house, rather than an every other weekend dad across town. It was super chilly in the house, but the kids never seemed to notice.

I agree with Kerstin.

For as terrible as my first marriage was, he makes a GREAT ex husband. We have always had shared parenting, he gets the kids 3 days one week and 4 the next, it has changed here and there based on need but that's the basic outline. Right now the kids are with him wed. after school till friday one week and thursday after school till sunday the next. This gives each of us some free weekends as well. We share activities based on who is free, we split school transportation the same way. Holidays we split in half. He pays minimal support but pays for all activities, half of school lunches and supports them when they are with him. I do all doctor's appointments and that sort of thing.

We started this long before we had papers, and actually our papers state I have custody, not shared parenting. That being said some things to keep in mind, holiday's or events that involve other family members can be tough, because other people are involved. It really helps if you live near each other and in the same school district. i have found it is easier if one parent is in charge of school communications and doctor's visits, or we both go together. And most importantly you have to get along and understand you will both move on and meet new people.

I have not personally been in your situation, but heard about a family who was and handled it in an interesting way.
The couple decided to divorce but wanted to keep things as stable as they could for their children. They had a house, and then bought a condo very close by. The children lived in the house all of the time. The parents were the only ones who switched their living arrangements. The parent who had the kids that week moved into the house with them. When it was not their week anymore, they moved into the condo. I thought this was an interesting solution! Best wishes to you.

Do not do the day care thing. If you do always have the money on hand to pay full price for it. The provider will not let your child come if the bill is not paid. They do not have to bill one parent and then the other. They expect their money on the first day of the week and they do not want to have to wait or chase down money if someone forgets. It is just simpler if one parent is responsible for the child care and the other gives them the money. But that person will still have to pay up if the money is not there.

Child care will cease if the bill is not paid on time. That is the only snag in that way of thinking. The child care provider is not part of this agreement, they don't even need to know about it. The money needs to come from one parent, the
"guarantor" or signer on the contract for services. Then they get the money from the other parent on their own.

Let me first say that what you agree to at the moment, may not be what happens in reality so GET IT IN WRITING.

Have a set custody and visitation schedule and include verbiage that states "any other times that are mutually agreeable". Remember that this does not mean that the non-custodial person can not be present for functions outside of their time but spell outs who is responsible at any given time. Think ahead to school, extra curriculars, schedules that will need to be adjusted for those things.

First of all, kudos to you for realizing the relationship wasn't working and for ending it before you hated each other. My children's father and I went through something similar when we decided to separate almost 4 years ago. We were high school sweethearts that grew apart as we grew up, but to this day he remains one of my very best friends and an amazing father to our kids. Our children were very young when we split, with the oldest being 3 1/2 and the youngest being not quite 2. We have shared custody/parenting duties since we split and it has worked out extremely well for us. The number one piece of advice I have is communicate. If you are both truly willing to work together for the best interests of your kids, you have to talk to each other. Establish one set of rules that the kids have to follow when they are at either household, and stay consistent with the rules. If something isn't working for one of you, sit and discuss it before changing things so that there is continuity between houses. I have found that one set of rules makes things less difficult for the kids involved and makes the transition a lot easier for them as well. We have joint custody, on one week/off one week with open visitation. Shared parenting can work, it just takes the sincere effort from both parents to make it work. Good luck with your situation, and don't hesitate to ask if you have any more questions.

flexibility yet stability is key.
I think putting ones feelings aside and always thinking whats best for the kids is whats really key to raising happy kids.
My daughter wants an extra day with her daddy and I'm going to make sure that happens all summer so they can bond more. Sure I'll miss her but its what she needs right now. Also never talk badly or compllain about eachother in front of her and try to still have the same parenting rules, obviously there will be some diference but if the major ones are them same they won't be confused and having to adjust every switch.
(my ex is a softie, which when living together wasn;t an issue, but seperately is a BIG one, he has to realize he cant be fun dad and has to take on a more serious role when parenting her alone on his days)

We try and show her we still love eachother J. not in the same way and that we are still her family. At first we did weekly dinners on sundays to interact and let her transition...then we faded them out and did monthly hang outs..ussually at the movies or something so we didnt have to talk much. These were things she asked for and we made happen. Not that we do everything she asked for but in the begining this seemed to help her adjust. She was 3 at the time (5 now). Also if we have major issues we use my ex's therapist to be the mediator...he has Emmy's best interest in mind, so instead of fighting we'd rather ask him for advice and go from there.

Friend of ours was in a similar boat. She made more. She didn't love him anymore (not that there was anyone else). They split. She paid him CS. She got an apartment nearby and he kept the house and the primary custody of the kids and they are both very involved in their sons' lives. I'm not sure where the custody stands right now, but at the time of their split, she worked weird hours and so she had the boys on weekends or for a dinner here and there vs week on/week off. They are more flexible in the summer when the kids are not in school. My sks' situation was primary with dad, visits with mom EOWE, summers and breaks. I think that the kids can adjust as long as a schedule is maintained. You don't need to carve it in stone if you and he can work as a team but try not to have the kids all over the place. I think stability will give you all what you need to move forward. Hang in there.

Do get a CO for the visitation and the child support. It will be for all your sakes. If you and he can hash it out in mediation, it will be cheaper. I also suggest that you allow each other to trade holidays and birthdays - it's difficult if you have to share and it can pin you down and prevent a nice holiday. For example, my DH and I now have DD and I would like to see my family who is not local. Every other Christmas isn't ideal, but we make it work.

Oh, and don't make the kids messengers. Talk to (or otherwise contact) each other directly.