Christmas Dilemma

Christ gave us a marvelous gift that we were VERY undeserving of. If gift giving was conditional upon our behavior, we would never have been given the free gift of salvation, which was the origional Christmas gift.

She is not allowed to tell you what to give her and neither is her father's new wife. Search your heart for the love you still have for her. Think on her talents and buy her something you wish her to have. You can't show her love by buying her things, so don't try. Buy her something you think will bring out some of her talents or nicer qualities. At the very least, some day she may see it as a very thoughful present from you.

God Bless, D.

It doesn't matter how much you spend, at the end of the day she is still your daughter. One day the two of you will have both grown past this situation and she will still be a part of your life. You should make her feel a part of the family. Take her shopping just the two of you and let her pick out her own Christmas gift. Spend alone time with her. She needs this attention from you very badly. Ignore her dad and especially her step mom. Make her gift something meaningful and memorable, especially if the two of you shopped for it together. I wouldn't listen to what anyone said when it comes to your own child. Listen to your own heart, and make it special for both of you. :) xox

one question i have about the situation is why are her father and step mom asking you to buy expensive gifts for your child? (it seems to me that since your daughter is living with them, they should also take the responsibility of buying her those items as well.)
I do want to say I cannot imagine going through this situation with one of your children and I feel for you. Your daughter is feeling hurt. And she does need her Mom but I also wonder why she has no ill feelings towards her Dad since he is remarried as well. Does he have any other children?
As for the Christmas present, I do not feel a child should be rewarded with an expensive gift from you if that is the only reason she comes around. She needs to understand that it does matter how you treat others and being disrespectful is not the way to be. It is going to take her a lot longer to realize this because her father is not a great role model and seems to be a big part of the problem.
You should spend some time with your daughter. Maybe make a special lunch date before Christmas and give her a gift card but maybe also put in something personal just from you. (A special ring, or charm to wear on a bracelet, or even a picture of just you and her in a lovely picture frame, something that she can say is special between the two of you!)
I am sure that in a while she will realize how much she wants you in her life, but as for now you have to deal with this situation as best you can. It must be so hard.
I wish you all the best and Happiest of Holidays.
D.

I agree with Christine. Your daughter are caught in the middle of not just your meladramma but your X is enjoying it. I've had so many friends share simular stories. I have a somewhat simular problem a couple of years back with a child who was living with (not mine a sisters child) and when he went back to live with them we had a special relationship still but his family seem to always put the stress on it.. ask for this and so on. He's 19 now and I have to say.. he was angry with me for a few years when he first went home at his request.. but now that's he's 19 we have talked about the whys and so on. I am amazed at how much he has grown as a person and he feels bad for how he treated me at times, but said I was the rock and still am in his life.

The best results my friends that have similar situations as yorus, seem to come years later. The happier results seems to be with the parent who sets it all aside (the drama) and goes forward to establish the relationship outside of the rest of the family issues. You are this person. I agree you should just take your daughter out by herself and let her pick out her own gift. Make it a special day just for the two of you! Don't bring up old bagage or family problems. Talk about her - her - her. All the wonderful things you see in her. Be her rock! It's hard because so many people are involved and pull you this way and that way. Now imagine you are her and you have no clue what to do or not even sure why you are angry. It you treat her the way she has treated you (disrespectful and powerstruggles) she may feel this is how the relationship will always be and may even when she gets older be afraid to confide in your and develop a heathier - stronger - loving relationsip. Don't give up. Maybe you could throw lunch in it for the two of you. If she decides she doesn't want a whole day with you - don't pressure her. Just ask to go shopping to pick out a gift. Yup, you might want to discuss a price limit before hand. Here's another tip I learned the hard way: If she throws a price range that's way out of what you have planned to spend.. try not to be reactive. Try to breath deep, and then say something more supporting less reactive such as: Gee, I really wish I could spend that much this year, you certainly deserve it, But I'm kind of forced on this price range. But maybe next year I will be able to spend more.
Okay.. I'm gonna end here.. I could go on for hours. I wish you the best of the holiday season. Please update me and let me know how it went.

hi, my name is C.. no parent is born knowing what to do as far as our kids are concerned. i have four kids. well there not kids anymore.18 through37. and i have five grandkids. how old is your teen daughter? it sounds like she is feeling a little left out with the new baby and a stepdad. and this is her way of acting out. teen years are hard all by there self. but all you can really do is let her know that you love her and you are there for her. do some mother and daughter things togather. try and keep the lines of communication open and let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk. as far as christmas goes. i would give her the gift card within limits.she needs to grow up but she also needs you even though she is pushing you away right now.i had three teen girls. two from my first marriage and one from my second. we went through alot of ups and downs. but it all works out in the end. what are her friends like? does she go to school all the time? how is she doing? C.

I think you need to decide how you really feel about the situation. Forget everything your husband, family and friends have said and decide what message you want to send your daughter. You love her just not her behavior. Maybe take her shopping, just the two of you, to get ideas instead of the gift card. Get to know her again and maybe cut through some of the tention between you. Tell her how you feel about her and give her a hug! She needs her mom she just doesn't know it. In a few years she's going to snap out of the bad attitude and realize it. You want her to know that you'll always be there for her. You want her to feel loved and equal to your second child. It's your job to treat both kids equally regardless of her behavior. You have to follow your heart. Good Luck and I hope you have a great Christmas!
(iPod shuffles are only around $80 at Wal-mart....they don't have a screen but it's an inexpensive way to go.:-))

WOW! This sounds soooo framiliar. My daughter went to live with her dad and it's the same situation. She is angry with us (my hubby and son) because of things that her dad and step-mom say about us. They say that now we have a baby we don't want her or need her, she has been replaced... Things were always bad with her dad and I, so he has no problem putting me down, calling me names etc in front of her just to keep her to himself, turn her against me and hurt me. Even though I always keep my mouth shut and take the higher ground when it comes to bad mouthing him. You know how the story goes. Anyway, what people don't seem to get is that I call her very often, email etc. but if she doesn't want the relationship I can't force it. She is 16, has a life of her own and has made it very clear that we are not apart of it. It doesn't help that her dad and step-mom are never home so she has the run of the house and can do what she wants. Why would she want to be with us when we ask how's school, friends etc... They ask nothing because they rarely see her.
I know that we are going through the same situation with an XMas gift. It seems like the only time she comes around is when it's her bday or a holiday hoping that she will get something out of it. As soon as she does she splits. I have thought about buying a bond, starting a saving account that she can't touch until a certain age - that kind of stuff and maybe a small $35 gift card to her favorite store. This way she gets stuff she needs/wants now and hopefully later on will realize that even though she didn't want to be around us we still have her best inerest at heart with the bond/svs. account.
The worst part is there is no right answer and that sucks. Everyone has an opinion, but who do you listen to and what do you do? Many many times I have prayed for the answer. God is taking his time with this one, but I am still working on it.
Good luck and I hope all this has helped a little. Keep us posted!
~Kim

Hi.
I am not sure this will help, but my stepdaughter lives with her mom in TN, and she has started getting that "if there's nothing in it for me, why bother" attitude. She is going to be 12. We rarely hear from her, in fact, we never hear from her, unless we call her, or she NEEDS something. Well this year, financially, we couldn't afford much for her birthday and Christmas. So we gave her a simple birthday party, at our home while she was with us during Thanksgiving. Surprisingly, with the little we got, she was happy.
My advice is....definitely keep it to a minimum. Maybe get her a gift card...but for a small amount. And maybe get her an MP3, but not an expensive one... maybe one that holds a couple hundred songs. They are relatively cheap, and you can find them anywhere.
You are doing what's right. You are making the effort, even though her father isn't, and that makes you the good guy in this situation. Even though it's discouraging, keep it up. In the end, it will all be worth it.