My husband and I have an ongoing discussion of what to do at Christmas each year. He wants a real tree, I prefer artificial. He wants Santa and Family gifts on Christmas morning, and I want family gifts on Christmas Eve, then Santa Christmas morning. We've been married for 5 years, and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a 6 month old son. Each of these issues comes up each year as we try to settle in to our own family traditions. Of course, each of our desires stems from our own childhood traditions.
Some years, the issue has been settled by where we celebrate Christmas - if it's with my parents, we do our traditions, if it's with his parents, it's his traditions. Well, needless to say I've really had enough of these yearly conversations, and would love to settle in to our own family traditions. I just don't know how to go about it. It seems like when we try to talk about it, one of us gets upset as we each really want our celebrations from our own childhood. How did you solve this in your family? Do you have suggestions for coming to a final decision? This year we are celebrating with his side of the family, at their home, so I'm sure we'll have to do it "his" way. I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to do this, and suggestions from you all. Ultimately, I'd like our children to know what to expect each year, and to at least have a couple of things that are "our" family traditions that we stick to each year, even if some need to vary from year to year.
Wow - thanks for all of the great responses! I knew you wouldn't let me down! What I really hadn't considered was the "big picture', so thanks to all of you that mentioned that. It's true that the realy meaning of Christmas is celebrating Christ's birth, and being together. I'm going to take the high road and keep these things in mind. After considering this, we're going to get the REAL tree, decorate the tree and cookies together, and plan to open a couple special presents on Christmas Eve (jammies, maybe a book), and have Santa come on Christmas morning. We'll leave the rest open and flexible, based on where we are and who we're celbrating with. Thanks so much for sharing!
You could always do stockings on Christmas Eve and save the rest for Christmas morning. One of you will have to compromise and you might as well be the bigger person.
My solution: Bundle up, cut down a tree, and open all gifts on Christmas morning.
I solved this issue by adjusting my "zoom" function. I was zooming in on tiny little things like the day on the calendar and the time on the clock. Once I zoomed out and looked at the big picture, these little arguments felt ridiculous!
If my spouse and children are healthy and happy; if they're home with me instead of serving in some foreign country or laying in a hospital; if one or both of us has a job to return to after the holidays; if we have a house in which to put up a tree (real or fake); if we are wealthy enough to not only have food for a Christmas meal, but presents too (regardless of when the paper and bows are taken off of them); if I feel safe in my home; if I am able to hear my children laugh or coo and see their faces light up at the sight of a toy or Christmas cookie, THEN I am happy.
Please remember that you could celebrate Christmas on May 14th at 3:30 in the afternoon and it would STILL be a celebration of Christ's birth (if that's how you view it) or at the very least a celebration of your family's love and good fortune. Do yourself a favor and "zoom out" - pretend you're watching your family through the window. Does it matter if the scene unfolds around a real tree? Does it matter if it happens 12 hours after you think it should? As long as you're together and celebrating, who cares?! :-)
Your kids don't and won't care if they have a real or artificial tree, or if they open gifts on Christmas eve or Christmas morning. They're just excited that it's Christmas! What they WILL remember is that mom and dad were always tense and arguing every year at this time...
The details don't matter, really. The togetherness does. My advice is to just let it go. New traditions are just that, new, not what you or he did as a child. Can the two of you come up with something different than either of you did to add to your family's experience?
My husband am I have always celebrated Christmas Eve at my parents' and Christmas Day at his. This is despite the fact this his mother also hosts a Christmas Eve bash and begs us to come every year. Of course, my family gathers at my grandmother's on Christmas Day and so we get pestered about going to that too. But we decided right away (even before kids) that we each had to pick and choose which traditions/events were most important and stick with that same routine year after year.
As for creating your own traditions...We've done that too. We do breakfast w/Santa at Macy's ever year. We make a late night trip (w/kids in PJs) to Rice Park to see the lights. We decorate the tree with hot cocoa at hand and match How the Grinch Stole Christmas when we're done. We always stick socks and undies in stockings...A silly thing to pull out and compare on Christmas morning. We alternate annual trips to the Swedish Institute and Murphy's Landing. The last thing we do before going to bed on Christmas Eve, is have the littlest one hang the Santa Key on the front door (we don't have a fireplace).
In other words...Since the actual holidays are spent away from our own home...We have made brand new traditions just for our family that fill up the days before Christmas and create a lot of excitement and memories.
...real trees are the best : )
we used to have that same conversation every year too. it was hard cuz it always ended up feeling like we were each saying our own family traditions were more important then the others :) we finally really sat down, before thanksgiving, and talked about which ones were so important, and WHY, and what NEW ones we thought would be fun. We both picked the top ones and whoever had the best reasoning "won" :) Then we stopped spending Christmas with the extended family (if they are nearby we'll do christmas eve dinner or late christmas dinner), and focus on just us- our traditions became "ours" instead of "his" or "mine". We make the family holiday during thanksgiving. it took several years to convince our family that it was ok this way- they are BIG on the family christmas (because that's what we did growing up....) We felt it was too hard to make our own traditions when his and my families' traditions were so opposite (like, they opened christmas eve, we were morning people, they didn't do santa, we did etc)
In our house, the traditions are mostly determined by who does most of the work: ME. If my husband feels strongly about doing something different, he's more than welcome to take the reins. If he doesn't want to put forth the effort, he can't complain.
Everyone gets a new ornament to hang on the tree every year. We eat pizza and open one gift each on Christmas Eve, usually pajamas or a blanket or something like that. Santa hides the stockings so everyone can find them and open those presents at their leisure Christmas morning. We have cinnamon rolls and fruit for breakfast and take turns opening one present at a time, rotating from youngest to oldest.
After too many crazy years of driving and flying to spend time with family, we set aside one day for each side this year and are spending Christmas Eve and Christmas at our house. Our family has an open invitation to join us, but no one is taking us up on it- all the more reason for me to NOT want to spend our time and money traveling to them- why are we the ones who always have to go to them? I'm looking forward to our quiet, peaceful holiday with just my husband and kids.
If the two issues that are the most head butting are the tree and the gifts, let him pick which one he wants and you get the other!
If he choses to have a real tree, then you set when the presents get opened. If he wants the presents for Christmas Day, then you get the fake tree.
Sit down and discuss it with him and LET HIM CHOSE FIRST! Then stick with it each year from now on and it can be your family's tradition.
I perfer the artificial tree, less clean-up. I also perfer all gifts on Christmas Day. However my bithday is Dec. 24 so I always try to keep the days separate. I personally feel that the kids have more fun opening all their presents on Christmas morning. And for the little ones I usually let them help to open all the presents, their fun is ripping the paper. It is so difficult to share Christmas day with all the parents and grandparents. My daughter solved that issue by having her family and her hubby's family over for breakfast on Christmas morning and we exchange gifts for everyone and have breakfast and then go our separate ways if we need to. I will get small inexpensive gifts for the chilren on her hubby's side. Usually something I find on clearance but that I know they will like. We don't alwys exchange gifts between the adults.
I hope this helps.
'
Over the years you will find what works best for your family. After five years of marriage and 3 children, we are still figuring out what works best for us! One tradition we love is getting to open one present from family on Christmas Eve and saving the rest for Christmas morning. We carefully examine each present under the tree and pick which one we think is the "best" and open that one at night! It's pretty fun!
We have the same issue, but because where we spend Christmas is always up in the air (one year it's his parents, the next it's mine...but even that isn't a hard and fast rule)...so we are working on creating our own family traditions that revolve AROUND Christmas, but not necessarily on Christmas. Husband's family is Norwegian, so we make lefse with leftover Thanksgiving mashed potatoes. My kids LOVE that. We cut a tree from our farm, traipsing through the woods and snow. We decorate together. Those are small ones, but now that my oldest is 5, I can see that these things matter to him. I don't love that we have no Christmas Day Family Tradition, but I value seeing our family too much to hold firm on it--so we're working on creating traditions that don't necessarily have a particular day.
we decided right from the start and made the relatives aware so there were no hard feelings. no matter what, we always wake up in our own house and have our own private christmas on christmas morning. we usually break down and open one gift the night before! we then alternate each year xmas eve and xmas afternoon with the parents. whoever doesn't get us on the actual day gets us on thanksgiving. there are usually enough presents from family that we don't have to separate family/santa gifts. definitely find a way to start your own traditions that your kids can want to pass on with their future families. happy holidays!
S. m
When I was little I was always allowed to open up one gift on Christmas eve. Maybe the two of you should make your own tradition instead of going off your old familiy traditions from when you were children. Maybe that would solve any problems.
Well my husband and I went through the same thing so I completely understand your frustration! I finally gave in and decided that we would spend christmas with his family each year because I would rather spend thanksgiving with mine! Even though we spend christmas with his parents we still have started our own family traditions! Like every christmas eve the get to open one gift! Its always going to be a new pair of pj's that they wear to bed that night! Then we also make sugar cookies and decorate them for santa on christmas eve afternoon! So truly it doesn't matter where we spend the holidays because my children will know our traditions! They may be small traditions but we love them because they are ours! Good luck! Happy holidays to you and your family!
this too was an issue for us when we started our family 9 yrs ago. We agreed on opening a few gifts before or after church christmas eve, that way no matter where we were (grandparents/aunts uncles) they always opened up some gifts with the rest of the famiy, and when your at home with just your family they always know christmas eve they get to choose a few gifts. Then christmas morning the big gift opening and of course the gifts from santa... cause really what kid wants to wake up christmas morning and not have any gifts to open? Good luck, its always tough when you both have strong traditions, but its really about being together for the holidays and starting your own family traditions=) happy holidays
When I was young we went to grandparents and opened gifts there christmas eve, christmas morning we opened ours until I was about 10 and then my parents decided they wanted to sleep in more on christmas morning and santa would come while we were at my grandparents (surprisingly my parents always had to deliver gifts to friends while grandparents babysat us). When my kids were growing up we would go to my inlaws christmas eve and then at home they got one present to open (it was christmas pj's for them to wear that night) and we opened the rest christmas morning then went to my parents for dinner and opening gifts there.
My suggestion would be to open only one or two christmas eve and the rest in the morning.
We have a similar issue. Make a compromise that both of you can agree on and stick with that as your "new" family tradition. Make it fun. Take some things from your childhood traditions and some from his and make your own family tradition. You both can't expect to have everything just as you remember it from childhood.
When visiting out of town relatives, we go with their traditions since we are their guests.
Why not rotate? His christmas one year and yours the next. It's the only solution I can think of if neither of you wants to compromise.
Here is my suggestion, take it or leave it....celebrate the way you are - following the traitions of which ever family you are with - that way the kdis are getting the best of both worlds, even if it alternates each year, they will be special memories no matter what! Also, for you own family, compromise and do some thing form each side, or if no compromise is possible - start some totally new tradiditons not from either of your childhoods, special to this new family alone! Search the internet for "Christmas Family traditions" and see if you don't find some neat ideas you have never even thoguht of before!
Good Luck!
Just enjoy the time with your family!
Jessie
My DH and I have also dealt with this. He grew up with an artificial tree with a star on top, me a REAL tree with an angel on top. He did presents etc Christmas Eve, me Christmas morning. For us, we decided to take turns on the tree thing. We go to his parents house (in ND, 6 hrs away) every other year for Christmas. On those years we put up a fake tree (his) with an angel on it (mine.) On the opposite years when we visit my family (in MN, 20 minutes away) for Christmas Day we have a real tree (mine) with a star on it (his.) As far as when we open presents, well when we are in ND we have our own celebration with just us and the kids when we get home, which is neither Christmas Eve nor Day. When we celebrate with my parents we usually play that one by ear. Either its Christmas Eve, Christmas morning before we go to my parents, or a totally separate day just for us. So, we have some things figured out so we don't have to have the discussion every year. Other things we do discuss each year, based on what works best for the holiday schedule that year. Whenever we have our family celebration, we have the same set "tradition" of reading the Christmas story from the Bible, praying with our kids, and opening gifts from each other. The most important thing to us is that we take the time with our kids to celebrate what Christmas is REALLY about.
I would say try to comprimise and try to combine both traditions into one. Mabye one year you get a real tree and the next an artificial and take turns. We do family gifts and a few from santa on christmas eve and then have the stockings and a gift or 2 from santa on christmas morning. Try and come up with your own traditions togeather as your own family. Just enjoy being togeather and that your healthy and happy and dont worry so much about the type of tree you get or when presents are given. Santa comes at nite so the kids can always have thier socks to open christmas morning even if some santa gifts are handed out the nite before. Have fun with whatever you decide!
My family didn't have a lot of Christmas traditions so I think I've mostly given in to my husband's wants on this and it doesn't really matter much to me as long as its fun and special.
So far what we do now that we're our own little family and forming our own traditions.. We have a real tree (I would like artificial, but in the end I like the smell of real ones), we make a real wreath and get candles for an advent wreath since we're a practicing Catholic family. We usually decorate it together the day we pick one out which is the day after Thanksgiving. We so far have opened one gift per person on Christmas eve then the rest on Christmas morning. We have a brunch after presents then a big dinner. We are having our first Christmas with our son this year though so things might be subject to change. He's only 9 months old so won't know a lot about what's going on so we'll see. My husband also agreed that next year before our son is really interested in helping with the tree that I could decorate it MY way lol. I used to work in a floral shop and loved decorating the big fancy designer looking trees. I want to do that one year before its tons of tinsel and craziness!
We must be lucky. My husband and I only have one set of parents each and one sibling each. Thanksgiving we trade. One year with his the next with mine and so on.
Christmas is as follows ~
Santa comes to our house on the night before Christmas Eve. The kids put out the key and the reindeer food and go to bed. Santa comes and they open their presents on Christmas Eve morning. Santa coming a night early doesn't hurt because my parents are good friends with a "professional" santa and he's amazing. He met the kids once and let them know that he makes some special deliveries on the 23rd. They love it.
We also open presents as a family on Christmas Eve morning. That way we're not rushed and can spend the entire day having our own time.
Christmas Eve is with my husband's family. It's usually around 6 or 7 since his sister's husband has 2 sets of parents to visit.
Christmas morning we get up and head to my parents house around 8am - though this year I'm happy to say that I convinced my parents that waking the kids at 7 and not letting them get all the sleep they need only makes them crabby later so it's 9:30 this year!
The kids open their presents from Santa at my parent's house, we have our annual egg bake breakfast (Tradition! Ever since my sister and I were kids we've had the exact same breakfast for Christmas. Every year.) and then spend the rest of the day opening presents. The 3 little kids open their presents and then are allowed to go play while the adults and teenager open their gifts. That way no one has to listen to them whine about wanting to play and they don't have to sit through all those boring adult presents.
That's it! Occasionaly we will get together with my FIL's family but it's huge so it's usually after Christmas and usually convenient to go to.
If you try to keep in mind that, despite the true reason for it, Christmas is generally best for the kids, so what works best for them is what will probably work best for you...
Good Luck,
Happy Christmas!
its complicated trying to make ones own traditions! i have an issue also with my husbands family always going over to a certain family friend's house for Christmas eve. it drives me nuts, because i am not necessarily close to them, and its this family's Christmas together. so grandma has gotten all her grandkids presents and everything, and really, we cannot afford to year after year buy between 5-8 extra presents every single year. its so frustrating! i would much rather have our own Christmas Eve tradition, instead of having to be involved in some other family's. its still a struggle. last year it worked out ok because some of the kids couldnt get home until the weekend, so it was a different day and not Christmas eve... but man, its so hard!
anyway, this is what i would recommend. both of you sit down and write a list of what traditions are important to you. then (if you didnt do it this way) NUMBER those traditions in order of importance. really think about it. what things can you live without? for example, when it comes to the tree, could you agree to have a fake tree because its always there, its going to be full and "perfect" and some even come with the lights already applied? or could you agree on a real tree because you dont have to store it year after year, it has a good smell, and it makes a good winter perch for the birds when you are all done? think seriously about each tradition and why it is important. THEN, after you have your list, take each item on the list and think of a way you would feel comfortable compromising. maybe you do a fake and a real tree every other year. maybe you have a real tree for the main tree, and a smaller fake tree for another room. maybe you have a fake tree in the house, but a real tree outside in the yard that you dont cut down but you decorate outside. think of all the little compromises you each could make. THEN, come together and look at each other's list, carefully, and one by one. this is not the time to say that anyone has a stupid idea. just have patience understanding, and really open your mind to compromise and trying to make it about your family and not yours vs his.
when you see each other's list, it is important to remember the order of importance each person made their list in. that number one tradition should be paid the most attention to. if you both pick, for example, the tree for number one... then you are going to have to make a list of pros and cons (like i did above) of both the fake tree and the real tree. then discuss every other year, one inside one outside, in 2 different rooms, whatever. you could have a fake tree, and a small, charlie brown real tree. :) something.
anyway, just be willing to compromise. thats why i suggest before talking about your lists that you write down a way you would compromise on each tradition. :)
one thing we did with presents is we got to open ONE on Christmas eve. OR, we would open one box that my dads brother sent every year. so you can work it out! :)
Hi J., first you guys really need to look at it as it is. A Holiday, meaning time spent with the ones you love! So honestly who cares how you spend it. Right? I've lost 2 really close relatives in the past 10 years as well as my dad and ulitmately my mom in the past 2 years. My kids father and i are no longer together so we have to 'split' our time as well as I'm now dating someone else and his parents are divorced and have both been remarried for the past 30 years. My point I'm trying to get too, is my kids are young and I had 'traditions' as well. I would give up a kidney to have those traditions back. Fact is, I never will. And I'm ok with that. Our schedule is different and crazy every year, but we just love spending time together as a family. It's my family and so we've started making up new traditions but they're our old traditions. My family ALWAYS got together the day after Thanksgiving and all of us would decorate the house (usually my grandparents'). We obviously can't do the especially with the fact I don't have my kids every holiday. But we still do it together just with us. As long as we do it together I don't care when we do it. Also, we always do a gumdrop tree together as well as the kids get to put candy canes on the trees (my boyfriends family tradition) Just little things like that, you're kids will more than likely remember more. It's hard with grandparents and other family to do it exactly the same every year. Or maybe you can both agree to do alternating years of your traditions. Another way to be supportive to each other and their other's memories and traditions. Good luck! And happy holidays!
