Classic Mother-in-law Issues - Sorry, but Its Long

This is not classic MIL problems, S..

You, personally, may be in danger of burning out and getting ill yourself. Your mother in law is well meaning prehaps but toxic and you are living is a constant state of anger and fear. Your husband sounds overwhelmed and possibly burned out himself. Do you have health insurance through your employment? Would it be possible to speak to your doctor about this dangerous situation. You need someone to help you to take care of YOU and the situation. Do you go to a church? If not, please look for a spritual family that can give you emotional and social support. What you are describing could be an explosive situation but at the least it is a temendous stress. You need OUTSIDE help. Examine your resources and then please ASK for help immediately.

If $ is as tight as you indicate, my guess is that you'll qualify for childcare assistance. Please look into this as an alternative to letting your MIL watch your sweet baby. She obviously does not have your children's best interests at heart, and is doing things that could be overtly dangerous. It is your and your husband's job as parents to protect and nurture your kids, and this includes keeping them away from dangerous people.

If your husband is a SAHD, why is your MIL getting to watch the kids at all? Maybe this is an issue you need to take up with him. I know caring for an infant is time-consuming and exhausting, especially one with special health needs, but if he has signed on as the primary caregiver, he needs to be there for the kids.

If you are accurately presenting the situation with your MIL, there is no way in coldest hell I would leave my child with her. PLEASE look into alternate arrangements before worse things happen to your kids. Aren't unchanged diapers, rashes, and overheated babies enough to make you want to step in and protect your children from this dangerous woman?

There has to be another way! You must find someone else to help with the kids. This is not typical MIL issues. Sounds like she's taken over your life.

Is your husband ill. Since he's a stay-at-home dad he should be able to do most of the care taking? And he needs to learn how to set boundaries with his mother. You mentioned a
counselor. I agree your MIL sounds like all the things you're describing. She is not a good influence for your marriage and your children. IF your husband isn't able to actually enforce boundaries perhaps he could agree to back you up when you enforce them.

The only explanation I would understand for your husband being so attached to his mother and unable to provide 24/7 assistance as your partner and the children's father, as well as not working is that he has serious emotional issues. In some ways he reminds me of my cousin, whom I married. He is schizophrenic. THe big difference is that he's worked at the Post Office for 30 years. The similarities are that he is unable to understand how other's feel because he doesn't understand his own emotions. He was also attached to his mother. Fortunately I could work around that most of the time. She had some dementia and did not want to take care of anyone which is good. She couldn't take care of herself.

Unfortunately my husband could not set boundaries and would not back me up when I set boundaries. The psychiatrist said that this is one of the difficulties of schizophrenea. We had 3 years of counseling before I could accept that this life was not working for any of us. We separated and then divorced. We are still friends. He is family.

Do you qualify for state or county help? If your income is less than a certain amount they will pay for child care. I would also look into getting your husband social security. If he is medically unable to work as certified by a doctor. The inability could be either emotional or physical or a combination of both. The process takes a long time, I'm told, and that frequently people are denied the first time but they are accepted when they reapply.

Does your daycare for which you have a scholarship not take care of babies? If it does could you place her in day care. I can understand that you would hesitate to do this because of health issues. However, what is happening now with your mil is also creating health issues which may not show up in your children until they're older. But I suspect you're seeing their reaction to tension and disrespect right now. Also it sounds like your mil is not taking appropriate care of the baby. She could get better care in day care. Perhaps you could find in home care for her thru a church or even looking on the Internet. In home care, although expensive, is less expensive than a day care center. And the day care person is usually more knowledgeable and has the time to learn what your baby needs.

My daughter is no longer elibile for child care assistance because she earns $32,000/year. She also gets child support of $250/month. She is a single mother with two children both of whom are in day care. Her daughter is 8 and attends a YMCA before and after school and summer program which costs $325/month year around. My grandson's day care costs $460/month. She is making car payments and paying off educational loans. She lives in an affordable housing apartment for which the rent is much less than market price.

Are you renting or buying your home. If you're renting I would seriously consider moving as far away from your mil as you can and still get to work in a reasonable amount of time. I would also find out if you're eligible for affordable housing. Also, if you're buying your home, consider selling. Perhaps a talk with someone knowledgeable of finance management could help you know if the possibility of any of these is feasible on you salary.

Does your relationship with your husband provide you with a sense of support? Is he a partner or another child to take care of? Are you happy with the marriage except for your mil interference? Would your relationship with each other be good if you didn't have mil interference? Is he willing to work on something to make life better for you and the kids? Does he understand the stress that you're under and the anger that is building inside of you? Does he provide support in issues other than those with his mother? Does he know that he is not the babysitter and therefore is on duty 24/7? There can be no dropping out when you get home. Does he do housework, laundry, or work on fixing up the house? Do you feel understood and supported by him?

You mentioned a couselor. Do you see him regularly and is he able to help iron out some of this stress? If he's addressing other issues perhaps you could try working with a marriage counselor.

If I were you and saw no relief in site I would make a plan for leaving. Women's shelters have counselors who can help you do that. A counselor experienced with these issues can also help you.

I really feel for you! You are backed into a corner that must feel impossible to get out of. YOur own mental health is going downhill. Your children are being negatively affected. And it seems to me that your mil is not a safe person with whom to leave your baby. I don't understand why your mil is taking care of your baby since your husband is not working and is able to do so. Is your mil involved because she is using her role of mother to appeal to his role as child? Many couples of small children do not go out if it requires getting a babysitter.

Perhaps, once you get into counseling and/or have outside support, you tell your husband that you cannot live this way any longer. And that you will leave if he cannot keep his mother out of your lives. Talk with each other about ways that he could do that, leaving the final decision of what HE is going to do. In the meantime check out places to which you could move. I would also check into the possiblity of being on my own as a single mother. I know that you can get financial assistance, if you're unemployed, as long as you have a child under the age of 2 and especially if that child has special medical issues. I've seen that work for my daughter. She was able to be on her own in a year or so. She can remain in the affordable housing apartment at an affordable price as long as she wants to do so. I think her rent for a 3 bedroom unit is less than $500. The building was new when she moved into it 8 years ago.

I hope that I've given you some ideas of ways that you change this intolerable situation. I would almost guarentee that if you are not able to get your mil out of your lives your situation will continue to worsen to the point you won't have the ability to provide a stable home for your children. Anger will get worse and will flare up causing emotional and/or physical damage that cannot be fixed. Your children are already experiencing trauma as a result of the squabbling and fighting and your anger at having to not say anything. Children pick up on tension and become stressed themselves which created even more stress for the parents.

Making the major changes and setting boundaries for you and your chidren is extremely difficult in this sort of situation. If you don't do this now life can only get worse. I'm pulling for you and your children.

Hi S., just from this and not knowing you, can your 6 1/2 month old go to daycare or be watched by someone else? I know a change like that could raise tantrums by your MIL but your husband could work then too and that normal schedule might help. He would "escape" the kids and less help would be needed. I have found that if you depend on a close family member on a regular basis, you end up compromising some things. If your relationship is strained, a regular schedule where you don't need that help and you can share the kid care at night might do wonders. I feel for you so so much. Ask yourself when you struggle "What's really important?" Answer it honestly to yourself and you will know what to do.

S...you are amazing for holding up so well with all that you've gone through. You could be experiencing PTSD from all that you've experienced in a short period of time - please take care of yourself and make sure that your needs (emotional, physical and otherwise) are being addressed as well as your children's needs.

You need to explore some options as far as child care goes. Would a nanny for both girls work? Could you share a nanny with someone else in the same situation and leave your oldest daughter in her current child care? Are there networks of moms out there who are caring for children who were born prematurely? I have seen so many different types of mom groups out there and would certainly believe that there is a group of women who could relate to your situation. Find those mamas and see if some sort of child care sharing could be arranged. If 2-3 people go in on a nanny, the cost could be quite reasonable.

Can you refinance your house or do anything else to cut costs so that you can fund this priority of yours? It seems imperative to do for your sanity and the health of your family.

Your MIL can still come over on weekends or something (short time frame) to be with the girls while you and your husband go out on a date. You need time together to reconnect.

Do you belong to a church? Often times the church community is very supportive and will help out in cases like this.

Something will work for you...just keep poking around and the right solution will fall into place. Your current discomfort will keep you searching until you find the right thing.

I feel for you. My circumstances are not quite as extreme, but I can relate to your story. Hang in there and relief will eventually come.

Wow-reading this email makes me want to cry. I am so sorry for you. I went through pretty much the same thing with my now ex- mother in law. However, my kids were overall healthy. She seemed very nice and attentive at first, but then started doing things I didnt approve of with my newborn, (feeding him juice, etc). My baby didnt know what candy was until he met her. (She moved here from AZ)We needed her help bc we couldnt afford day care, so we were always somehow indebted to her it seemed. She never really listened (and still doesnt) to what we requested of her. I mean, I knew they were safe and loved, it's just that she totally did not regard what we asked of her, no scary shows, not too much candy, etc. She moved in with us for awhile and changed our whole living room around without asking, etc. When I got mad, I was made to look like the hothead. My ex couldnt stand up to her. She has a way of making people feel guilty if you try and correct her. My ex and I are no longer together, due to other reasons, but she is still very much a part of the boys lives, luckily, I have not had to use her as much for sitting. Long ago I realized that although she loves the boys, she does what she wants to do with them, regardless of how I want them to be raised. It hurts to know that another adult would have so much disrespect for another. I had to give in to video games and other things that she introduced to them when they were very young. But I just feel glad that I am in a better situation and do not need her to watch them any more. They still get sat by her when they are with their Dad, but much less. I really wish you the best. You really need to have someone else watch the kids for awhile, so all 3 of you can talk of possible and lay down some guidelines. Maybe all 3 can visit a counselor together to be objective as possible. Good luck, Amy

Wow, S., I can really understand your frustration, rage, and sense of helplessness.

I want to suggest that you find a more effective technique to communicate with your MIL (and with your husband) that has the potential for letting her see you as a person with legitimate needs, while you find a way to identify and legitimize the needs she is apparently expressing through her challenging behavior. One such process is called NVC or Non-Violent Communication, and even though I use this technique rather inexpertly, it has transformed a couple of relationships in my life enough that I can tolerate them comfortably. And they could still get better over time.

You can read more about this at http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/blog/the-nonviolent.... It's a very long blog, but don't let that intimidate you. It's well-written, and rich and informative. In the short run, let me summarize the NVC process.

NVC operates on the principle that everybody has very similar needs – which are legitimate – and very different strategies for meeting those needs – the strategies can be quite disturbing to others or self-defeating to oneself.

So NVC breaks successful communication into four basic steps that help you to observe clearly what's going on, identify and validate the feelings at work in the other person and in yourself (and distinguish between actual feelings and concepts or ideas arising from feelings), and to state your needs and the other person's needs with compassion. It has the potential for getting everybody on the same page, and from there you can often more successfully make a request of the other that they can hear and honor. Of course, there's no guarantee that this will reach or change the other person's behavior or attitudes toward you, but in my experience, they can be so surprised at a new, gentle approach that it really catches their attention.

There are other systems of communication that I'm sure are very good. This is the one I'm familiar with. I hope you'll give it a try. It will take work and attention, but the relief it can bring will be more than worth it. You may feel grudging about honoring your MIL's needs and feelings at this stage, but truly, you are doing this for yourself and your children's welfare. You may find your way heroically to a new relationship for all of you.

Blessings on your struggle. I wish I could do more to help. Please write me for coaching on NVC if that would be helpful.

Sounds like you've got your hands full. It's difficult when the good intentions of family members run counter to your parenting style. I read this book called "What Mothers Do" when pregnant with my first one. There was one section that discussed older relatives (mainly parents and in-laws) that talked about how those folks may have different philosophies when it comes to raising kids which dictates how they treat your children. If you notice those differences - if your description is any indication, you could probably name everything your mother-in-law does differently than you - you should find a way to explain your parenting style/method/philosophy to her in a way that isn't judgmental. That could be your first step. She might not understand that you aren't raising your children in the same manner she raised hers or that parenting philosophies have changed over the years. (For instance, doctors used to advise parents to have their kids lie on their tummies as a way to prevent SIDS.) If you can find a book that outlines the type of parent you are, give her a copy to read so she knows what your expectations are.

What do you do? She is more than willing to help so, as awful as this may sound, you can be a touch manipulative to get what you want. For instance, if there seems to be a pattern of diaper rashes appearing after she watches the children, I would recommend buying her wipes so you know she is using the appropriate items on your children's sensitive little behinds. Then, preemptively mention that you are trying to ward off a rash and tell her to change the diapers frequently. You could even provide her with a chart that she fills up with the day's information like they use at daycare - she would fill in what the babies ate and at what time, when she changed their diapers and what she found (W for wet, BM for bowel movement, D for dry). Also, have a chat with your pediatrician about what is good and not good for your babies. Then, when speaking to your MIL, you can drop in the "Our doctor said..." lines when you want to give her information but fear she won't listen to you directly.

It sucks to have to be a bit sneaky but it might be that she just has a different parenting style and isn't up on current thoughts and trends in baby-rearing.

From the sounds of it, your mother-in-law very much wants to be a part of your children's lives but that she doesn't really understand why you're upset. After all, she raised her own kid(s?) and her son turned out so well you married him. If she's defensive about her methods, she's feeling you don't respect her or think she knows what she's doing. (You might not.) So it's important to let her know that she is appreciated. It's equally important for her to know and respect your wishes as a parent.

Good luck.

Wow, this is my life story! I too lost a child and had a preemie baby with special needs and have a mother in law who wanted to "help" but was more problematic than actual assistance. My hubby was kind and gentle to me and cared for our children but couldn't seem to stand up to his mother about her freakazoid method of "watching" our baby. After severe stress between us and me having a total breakdown at work, I finally went to counseling and here is what she told me, and then my husband. YOU MUST SET BOUNDARIES AND ENFORCE THEM. When your preemie has gone to bed or is otherwise being cared for out of her sight, sit her down and make her give you eye contact and explain very, very carefully and firmly that she can only come over at specific times, she MUST follow your rules of care, that your daughter is YOUR baby and you need to have your guidelines adhered to. You might ask her why she is showing up unannounced, is she afraid of losing another grandchild? Finding out why the odd behavior is happening might open doors to helping each other as a family, it just depends on what she is trying to accomplish by her behavior. Then the next time she shows up unannounced, simply turn her away at the door, do NOT let her come in. You can ALWAYS pull the ace in the hole of "She is asleep right now and the dr says she MUST get rest whenever possible" even if it is a slight fib. If your husband lets her in while you are away (coming over while she knows you aren't home is a classic manipulation strategy, my MIL used it all the time) simply call her and tell her that she broke the rules and her priviledges of seeing the baby that week are now revoked and she can try again next week. You will need to treat her like you are her parent, be firm, even if it involves temper tantrums or stress on your husband's part. I know you need her help, but "help" that stresses you out even more is not worth the trouble it is causing. There ARE other ways around this. Go to your local community center or even your older daughter's childcare facility probably has postings on moms groups that can help you with free/cheap assistance. Please listen to me on this, NOT setting up firm rules is only going to make things worse and your husband and you are on the road to falling out if you cannot support each other through this. Explain to him your stress and worry about your youngest daughter and your need to have some control over your MIL. It sounds like you are both in need of some serious stress relief and MIL is not helping-it's time to limit her time and involvement and get some outside help. I guarantee, from experience, it will make a world of difference.