College Student

He's an adult . . . whatever happens is up to him (unless you're thinking of pulling the plug on tuition - but isn't that already paid since this is his last semester?).

Unless you sincerely believe he is in imminent danger I would step back and let him handle it. This is Step One in Real Life.

JMO.

I agree with Sue. And Marda. It might be helpful to do the long weekend thing, if he wants it. On another note, it's not unusual for young college males to be distant from mom. Lots of moms I know are experiencing it. The depression statement would be a little scary to hear, I know, but as someone said, it might be situational, especially if he knows he's not doing well in his classes.

Urge him to go to the Health clinic on campus. They see this often and will be able to help him. Discuss with him what he wants to do as far as staying in school. It may be very important that he stay in school, stay with the same routine while getting therapy. The college health clinic can help him get into counseling which will help him decide what is best for him.

Do remember that there are different forms of depression. Often feeling down is an expected way to feel when becoming an adult or really any time in life. I remember being depressed around midterms and finals because I felt like I didn't know the material well enough. Then when I passed with good grades the depression lifted.

What helps in that situation is to have support from your friends and family. It may be enough for you to reassure him that he can do well after talking with him about why he's feeling depressed. Or it may help for you to suggest that he see a counselor. He can ask for help from his academic advisor if he's having negative feelings about his academic work. He can also ask his advisor for help knowing how to use the college system to get other kinds of help such as finding a counselor. I suggest that the college will have resources to help in this situation.

You definitely do not want to take over and make decisions for him. Talk with him, yes. Ask him if he wants advice and guide him if he's willing. But don't try to make him do anything with which he's not in agreement unless he expresses suicidal thoughts.

Ask him outright if he is suicidal. Ask him how he's feeling and if he knows why. Ask him what he thinks would help. Offer him ways in which you can help. Work with him.

Do NOT call the school. Consider how embarrassing that would be. Unless of course he states he wants to die and has started to make plans or you see evidence of this. Has he talked about ways to die? Has he talked about what to do with his belongings? Has he stopped going to classes and cut himself off from friends? Those are reasons to involve authorities.

Later after rereading your post and the ETA. It sounds like your son is handling this well. Just be there for him to talk with if he wants to talk and to remind him how much you love him. There is nothing that you can do that would be helpful. He's an adult and will make the decisions.

It sounds like he has realized he has a problem and has taken the appropriate actions - seeing a doctor and scheduling with a counselor. He is coming to visit so you can listen to him and show your support.

I wouldn't have even thought of taking my kids out of college or bringing them home, unless they weren't doing anything to help themselves and I perceived they were a danger to themselves. Unless you feel it is to that point, I suggest you listen to him and ask him what he needs from you. He is an adult and needs to be in charge of his life, unless he truly is unable to be. I would hold off until you see him in making any kind of decisions for him.

He could be having situational depression, from anything from an unhealthy romantic relationship, feeling overwhelmed with classwork, being unsure of his major/career path, and many other things. Many people do have situational depression, deal with it and the situation, and move on just fine. If it's not situational, then seeing his doctor and seeing a counselor is still the best thing he can do. They may or may not prescribe medication, and should recommend seeing the counselor regularly.

(My ex-husband has suffered from chronic, clinical depression for all of the 29 years I've known him, so I am very familiar with depression as a mental illness.)

How far away is he? Can you take a long weekend and visit him?
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ETA: Oohh.. so this is his last semester before he graduates? That is different than a 1st or 2nd year student. It does sound like this is him working through "I have to make actual decisions now, and it is about to HAPPEN."
You know? No more being a student and sort of half responsible for life. It's real life now. A job/career, supporting himself (and if it's a long term girlfriend, making decisions about where to live and search for a job---Is she a student, is she near graduation as well, does she know where she is going to be job searching).... It is a lot to figure out. And you can't make the decisions for him and he knows it.

I would say that if you haven't, be sure you let him know that he always can come home to regroup or have a home-base to job search from. Just knowing that can relieve a little of the stress. He may feel like he can't do that. Let him know he can (I assume he can, since you are considering going and getting him and "bringing him home").

But overall, if he is seeing a counselor he is making a mature decision to work on figuring this all out. Not knowing what the next step is can be paralyzing. Which can look and feel like depression... maybe it is depression. But there is a difference in knowing, ok, now I go get a job. And knowing that that is what is supposed to happen next and having no idea where to look or what you want to pursue to begin with or where. I would think at his last semester he would have an idea about the "what", but maybe the "where" has him frozen. Back at home? Near the school where he is familiar/comfortable with the area? Where his girlfriend is from, if she is going home? Where his girlfriend might be looking (and this could also be up in the air for her as well...).

He's about half way through the semester, so midterms? This is a really tough time of year for college students, because it's the second semester and they're just so tired. They've been working hard since August, and they're starting to just be done with it. I always remember feeling this way in the Spring semester more than in the Fall.

Spring Break next week? Me too. I'm so ready for a break, and I'm the teacher! I would encourage him to try and relax a bit. Do some fun things - go to a movie, read a book - whatever he might find relaxing. Encourage him to spend some time on his classes as well. You don't want him to not take advantage of this time to get some work done.

I think you have to give him time to try and find his way. Seeing a counselor is a great idea. Hopefully a counselor can help him think about what's going on and what to do from here.

It's possible he's overwhelmed with a class, maybe things aren't so good with the girlfriend, maybe he's go something else on his mind. Whatever the situation, I think you're best bet is to give him a chance to work with a counselor and go from there.

You can check with the university schedule to find the last day to drop classes, but he's not going to lose anything by not dropping the classes right now.

No rash decisions. Give him some time. Just make sure he knows that you support him no matter what. Make sure he knows you have his back.

Hey Barb - sorry - but he's an adult. You can support him in his decisions but HE needs to make the decision about whether or not to quit.

My daughter quit college for a year - she went back - but lived off campus the second time. It helped out a lot.

Since this is his last semester? I am sure he's got to be a tad bit scared doing it on his own..he might not have a job lined up - you can't do that for him. He has to know how to navigate life without your help. I know that's hard. As parents, we tend to want to take care of everything..and at some point..we can't...

You can talk with him and break it down for him..but that he has acknowledged his depression and signed up for a counselor is a great thing! That means you raised a smart, self-aware young man!! YOU GO MAMA!!!

don't pull him out. he's not a kid anymore. it's his decision. if he's in his last semester, let him get through school.

college is a rough time. i know SO many people who had depression/anxiety/even breakdowns during this time. my little brother is going through it right now - he is anxious, can't focus, etc. he has decided he has adhd and has gone and gotten a prescription...*sigh*. i think he's just stressed out. he works an almost-full time job and carries a full load. has his own apartment..i really do think that these days we are turning out a lot of ill-equipped young adults. or maybe we expect too much from them. 18 to me seems way too young to be making these huge life decisions, and then we expect those decisions to become lifelong commitments..but we learn. we adjust. your son will too. sorry, don't mean to be such a downer....

no, i'm not a depressed 20 year old ;) (i was though! but that was due to some huge trauma occuring in our family at the time, so i guess my experience wasn't necessarily normal)

if he is getting the help he needs why would you interfere with his school when he is SO CLOSE to graduating? be there for him if he needs you - he's talking to you about it - HUGE bonus! and trust him. he is doing the right thing, it sounds like to me. don't mess with it. the professionals he is seeking will do him more good than you can, at this time. trust them, trust him. he'll be ok mama.

I would not pull him out. This is something that he has to work through and I give him HUGE credit for recognizing that he was having and problem and seeking help for it. Lots of older men can't figure out how to do that :) Sounds like he has a solid head on his shoulders and is dealing with his life changes in a positive way.

Send him some nice care packages to help lift his spirits.

I would keep him in school. He might never go back if you withdraw him now. Unless he actually fails his classes, he will graduate. Having that diploma will help him so much in the future and he won't have to answer the question "Why didn't you finish your last semester?" I would also try to visit him some if you aren't too far away. Ask him if you can help with the counselor. Remember that the school can tell you nothing in regards to his mental health care, so you would have to have his permission.

I would not hesitate to nursemaid him through these last two months of school, truly. Just get him through it. He does get free mental health care while in college, which is great. Perhaps antidepressants might be helpful.

Good luck,
Dawn

My kids have ADHD so prone to depression. My daughter was away at college and the first thing she did was tracked down a good therapist. She was the only one who could monitor herself. She did a very good job and yes it got worse towards the end of the semesters. Still if she gave up and went home she would have never graduated.

I know it is hard because you want to protect your kids but if they are depressed this young it is going to be something they deal with for life. They have to learn to handle it themselves.

She has now graduated and is working across the state in KC. First thing she did, found a good therapist.

Help him work through it but do not work through it for him. He already saw his doctor, got the name of a counselor, he is doing a great job working through this!! Be proud of him! Don't try to get him to give up on college. Trust me that will throw him into worse depression.

Contact the school immediately and let them know what's going on. They won't /shouldn't descend on him, but SHOULD have the dorm administrator keep a closer eye on him and his comings and goings.

I don't think it is uncommon for 20 somethings to have depression and be overwhelmed. Having said this, as a parent, I would make sure he comes home and if he decides not to, YOU go visit (even if it an unannounced visit) just to touch base and let him know he has your support and LOVE.

If he doesn't like it TOUGH!

We went through something similar. Have him start counseling and see how it goes. He should speak to his counselor, his advisor and possibly the career center. When my SS went to college, the counseling center had a meeting with parents and said they mostly see freshman and seniors. People in transition. At this point, if he does not need anything like in-patient treatment, I'd support him in getting through this last semester. Maybe help him have a plan. "You can come home, regroup for the summer and look for a job by September." My SS was allowed to come home and pay us rent to live here. Having a plan helped him not worry about his first summer and it ended up that he mostly worked elsewhere and wasn't even here.

I wouldn't stop everything and bring him home. He is 20. He is seeking help. If he has to take summer school or something to graduate in the winter, then so be it. It's not the end of the world. Depression can be managed. It sounds like he's taking good steps.

If this is his last semester of college, is he concerned that he will not be graduating due to a failing grade? Is he upset that he no longer wants to go into the field of his major? Is his relationship with his girlfriend stressing him?

He needs to know that nothing he has done/is doing will change your love for him. If he has made a huge mistake, dug himself into a hole, unsure about his career, feels put down by his girlfriend, doesn't want to start working full-time, or whatever, that it is not the end of the world. He needs to know that you want to help in any way you can and that you are proud of him for seeking counseling. It is a very mature way to learn what tools he can use to face difficulties of all sorts.

Let him lead the way on what he thinks he needs to do and why. If he is not being rational, tell him that it doesn't sound very rational but that a counselor would be a good person to run it by. If it does sound rational, help him to see how he can make his desires a reality, even if it isn't your first choice for him.

Let him know that you will support whatever he needs to do. Transfer schools closer to home? Change majors? Go immediately into grad school (in case he is depressed about this mean world of adulthood)...

Blessings.

I don't know anything about depression, but if this is his last semester, and he can "mostly" do classes, then, by all means, finish the job. The degree doesn't have the GPA on it.