Confused About Mother-in-law

She probably offers because she WANTS to be that grandma. But the truth is that she just isn't. Or maybe 3 young boys are just too much chaos for her to deal with. Would she take just one boy at a time, perhaps? It's a shame. But it's not unusual. Only thing you can do is stop expecting anything from her. She's clearly not able to give it.

Sounds to me like she has all the best intentions at heart, and WANTS to be a good Gramma, but then reality hit and she is finding she is just not really a child person. Some people just aren't. She probably is stuck between a rock and a hard place now. She loves them, and loves the "idea" of being Gramma, but when she actually has to put out the effort, children make her uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong ! I'm not saying she doesn't like them, she probably just isn't someone who really knows what to do with kids, or has the patience required, or maybe even gets nervous around them.
Actually, I would give her some kudos for even trying, but beyond that, try not to be angry with her because she isn't the Gramma you hoped for. Just try to accept what she is able to give, and learn to love her as she is. She is probably doing the best she can.
It could be worse. Some people who really aren't good with kids, try to "fake it", and then end up being cruel to the children because they get to resenting them. At least she loves them and you enough to realize that she has limits she didn't know she had before the children came.
I hope you all can get to a place of acceptance and peace with each other. :)

I don't know about MIL, but I think you need to find other options for help. Can you trade sitting with a friend? Give them a night out, and they give you a night out? That's all I'm getting right now, but with some creativity I'd hope you could think of other ways to access help w/o MIL. Fun family activities are not a break, but can help relieve the stress of constant parenting, and sometimes the stimulation helps the kids be more calm at home. hth

I agree with the other posters that the Sunday dinner may be all that your MIL can cope with. Do you realize how fortunate you are that she does this? Why "punish" her by taking it away, therefor attempting to manipulate her into becoming what you want...not what she's able to willingly offer? Many families don't even have this priviledge! Please flip your attitude & appreciate this effort on her part. It may be ALL you ever get out of her!

Which brings me to the next part: my Mom is the best Grandmother in the World. BUT, now that she's older, we've noticed a definite downturn in her ability to cope with our noise, mess, etc which comes with children. Of her own accord, she picks & chooses when/how she interacts with us. This is her priviledge as an adult. It does not make her a bad person, does not make her less a grandparent.... it simply means that she's an adult & has the right to choose. We embrace our time together, miss her (& her opportunities to create memories with the kids) when she's not with us....but do not judge her for her choices.

As for being able to go out with your husband, aren't you condemning your MIL for the same freedom? You complained about her going out/drinking, etc.....& yet you want the night off to do as you please! Since you also mentioned that your friends have their hands full too, then why not start a co-op babysitting program. Get the other families together & each family would take a turn babysitting for each other.....like a round-robin or however you work it out as a team effort. It would be fun & would provide you with new opportunities.

I wish you peace.

K., maybe I can help you see a little bit of the other side.

At our age, we can want to do something, have every intention of doing it, only to be so tired that getting through it is difficult. I want to be around the young children in my family but when there is a lot of crying, or siblings fighting, it can be a bit much. I am used to the quiet house I now share with my husband and although I love the little ones, there are days when it is time for them to go home, long before they do.

I think part of the problem may be the every week meal. She has the children at her house every week. Even though you are there, it is still her home, and they can be loud and there can be a lot of confusion. It can be that the thought of having that another night during the week is too much. It is like my addiction to chocolate. I love it, I want it, but too much is too much.

If you stopped going over every week, and stopped having a set date with the grandparents, i think you would see a different side of things. When grandma doesnt see them every week, or maybe even every two or three weeks, she might make more of an effort to take them for a while.

I hate to sound like an old poop, but something happens to us when we no longer have children at home. We get used to the quiet, the cleanliness of the home, and our own schedule. We get used to seeing them, and knowing that is special when we do. But I have to admit that as much as I love them, once a week every week, would be a little much sometimes.

Dont compare the time that spends with her friends, to the time she spends with your kids. Maybe she is reliving her teen years. Maybe it is nice to just relax and enjoy being older, and knowing that no one needs our attention and we can go to the bathroom by ourselves. It is nice to be older and to be able to enjoy the grandkids on our terms. Now if the sunday meals are her idea, cut them out any way. She may not realize that they are draining her need to spend quality time with those kids. It is amazing how much you crave them, when they have been gone for a few weeks or even a month.

As far as her mothering technique, dont judge her. Being a single mother is not easy, not at all.

I have one more thing I would like to say. Spend more time with your friends who have kids. That will keep the kids busy while you and hubby get some friend time. It would be nice if from time to time you even pass up and invitation from grandma in order to spend time with friends. This will give her a little more incentive to seek out the time that you have left.

Ok maybe one more thing. As far as not coming over until the kids are in bed. When my kids were little, my Mother in law was tired by dinner time. You could see it happening. There was a look in her eyes that said I going down down down. I am not talking about physical tiredness, but emotionally drained. She would go shopping, she woudl watch TV, or go out to dinner, but give her a kid to watch and she was a complete mess by the time we got home. We started to see that she was just getting to that age when taking care of little ones took so much out of her emotionally that she it was better to just make other arrangements. Her heart wanted to, but her mind just could not do it any longer. I know of other women who watch little ones into their 80s without this happening. For my mother in law it started in her 50s.

I guess what i am saying is that age has a lot to do with what you are seeing. I dont think it happens to all of us at the same age, I know that it is beginning to happen to me, so i can relate. I love the little guys with all of my heart, but my nerves just cant deal with it any longer.
I hope this helps/

I have to say that I'm jealous that you get any evenings to yourself where your in-laws will watch the kids. My oldest is 9 years old and we have only had my parents watch my kids over night once since I had my first. I think I can count on one hand the times my husband and I have gone out together without the kids and my parents babysat for us. I think that yes sometimes we could use some more alone time but we had our children our parents didn't. They have raised their children and don't have to have the responsibility of ours. These are my children I chose to have them and they are my responsibility. There are days I would love to have a babysitter and go out but we can't afford that and don't expect someone to watch them for us so we find things we can do as a family instead and it usually turns out great.

And I agree that age has alot to do with it. My parents I never thought of them as old. But lately you can really see even when they come over that they can't handle the noise and constant running around as much now. They just don't have the energy to keep up with the kids like they used to. They do love to see them but I know my boys are very very active and run us into the ground :) Don't get upset with her, she may have every intention to watch your kids she just may not have the energy to do so anymore.

I'm very confused by your letter. You are going to punish her for being the way she is by not going on Sundays? I can understand not going every single Sunday but she shouldn't be expected to ever babysit. She is the grandmother and there should be no expectations of her other than that. She may be offering to be polite but the fact she doesn't do it is her right. You had the kids not her. None of us can afford a sitter and I have to work around my husband's schedule also to go to the dentist, etc. But I knew this when I gave birth to my children. Having expectations of someone just sets them up to fail, just accept her the way she is and go on with your life.

Good luck

You know, not everyone feels the same about being around children. Some of us are loving and nurturing and want to be with them. I can't wait to be a grandma and I can't wait to have my grand baby in my daycare. I feel honored to help my daughter with this new baby that is on the way. BUT, at the same time...

Because I run a daycare and I am open 24 hours per day, I have had a lot of people try to take advantage of me through the years. I've had neighbors that thought they would get close to me so they could talk me into taking their kids for awhile. I've had moms thinking they can run all sorts of errands after work when it's time for them to either get their kids or pay me extra for those errands. I've had so many people try and sneak in a 6th day on me and think somehow they should not have to pay. Kids are work and this is my JOB. So no matter how much I may love and value kids, I still expect to be paid for my services. It's very sad for me to hear people say they can't or won't pay for daycare services so they can get away. It's even sadder to read these responses and see how many people feel entitled to their mothers and mother-in-laws free babysitting services. To hear someone say they don't have a relationship with their mother-in-law because she never watches the kids is disgusting to me.

Recently one of my mothers was moaning about the idea she might have to pay me for an additional day in the daycare because her mother wanted to go out one night she usually has the baby. This selfish little brat told me one night her mother was having a mid-life crisis because she wanted to go out on a Friday night. I told her that what she wanted was to have a life of her own! Now I get the fact that this grandmother only watches the baby one night per week and the girl pays me for 3 nights and she gets free daycare from an Aunt one night. It's great that families can pull together to help these kids out this way. BUT, it's a privilege that she should be very grateful for. It's not a right! And frankly, I'm sitting here trying to make a living and these grandmothers that give into these selfish little "entitled" brats are eating into my income.

Do you see my point here? Being a grandma is NOT just babysitting. No one should reduce a grandmothers worth to nothing more than babysitting. Grandma should get paid for it. What a concept! If you actually paid your mother something, bought her flowers, did something nice for her in return, maybe she would want to do it more often or at all. Maybe some grandmas don't want to do it because they can see how entitled their kids feel to their services and how their worth is tied to this one thing they can do for the ungrateful spoiled kids they helped raise. Our mothers deserve our respect!

Bottom line.. Grandma should be used only on rare occasions. Professionals like me that actually enjoy providing this valuable service should be paid to provide this service. Giving birth is a privilege and a parent should have to pay in one way or another anytime they want to pass the responsibility on to someone else for awhile.

It just doesn't sound to me like grandmothers get enough respect! I'm glad I raised my daughters right. I know my daughter is very grateful that I want to care for my grandson for free so she can work and go to school and get her life off the ground. I don't feel that I am about to get used and abused by her. But that's because I didn't raise her to be a self important entitled brat.

Suzi

My own mom is the one like that in our family. But I want you to see something. She made that room for them and stuff... She DID have the best of intentions. But even though you don't realize it now, she may be physically exhausted to the point that she doesn't feel well enough to babysit them. My mom is this way. As much as it aggravates me and I have blamed her for being a bad grandma and not wanting to help, and not loving them enough to want to see them...... that's really not it at all...

I think you MIL has reasons she just doesn't want to disclose with you.

Fortunately my mom doesn't hide her reasons.... She is 51. She tells me what she is going through. She gets hemmorroids a lot, has had many surgeries, has had her insides falling out of her down there, she's going through menopause...... lots of headaches, sore back, fatigue...

My point is, maybe your MIL has many physical problems that are personal to her because of her age and she doesn't want to talk about it.

You can't understand until you are that old. You can't understand what they are going through.

I have been in your shoes and thought if she loved them enough, wouldn't she want them??? But really she DOES and CAN'T handle it!!! It's not that she's not a child person, it's that she CAN'T be a child person anymore cause she has physical problems.

My mom had five children... and is MENTALLY exhausted as well as physically. I don't expect anything from her anymore, but I know she is there for emergencies. And she has been there for emergencies many times. And it exhausts her, but she does love them, she just can't mother them.

Did I miss something? When did it become a precursor to loving your grandchildren that you provide child care services for your children?

I don't really mean this is a bad way it is just trying to help you see a different point of view. There is nine years between by middle children. I had forgot just how much work little ones are. I think I was almost more excited the second time around. My point is after my son and daughter were born I was like what was I thinking, kids are hard work. I love them dearly and will never regret my decision to have them. Still I can see a grandma excited about her grandkids and wanting all this time with them only to realize what we all know, little ones are a lot of work!

I think you need to talk to your mother in law but with an open dialog where you are not approaching it with hurt. It is very likely she loves your kids very much, she just fears she can't handle them.

I haven't read most of the other posts, but you are right to consider the fact that your MIL's experience in child care is lacking. There may be many reasons for this and you might want to not take on a judgmental focus. She may have had the best of intentions about being a better grandmother than she was a mother and was thrown a curve with the fact that your family started with twins. If she only raised one child, she may not have developed the skills to handle more than one child at a time. Also, she might not tell you about other reasons she may not feel competent to care for the children alone. Many women her age experience some heart problems, back aches, joint problems, brain fog, or occasional benign proximal vertigo. She may not want to complain about some personal physical difficulties, but may feel truly frightened about getting dizzy when picking up a child. If she feels nervous about being able to care for the children, she may experience bowl problems that can be quite difficult to manage while 3 little boys are underfoot. There really are many possibilities that may not seem obvious to you and that she may not want to disclose. If she spent the money to create a room for the boys, it is obvious she had the best of intentions. This is not something every grandmother does!

I know you must feel frustrated with two 4 y/os and a 3 y/o. I didn't always get the kind of support I wanted from family when my son was young either. I spent most of my son's early years taking care of my inlaws due to their illnesses and helping my disabled brother with his children. But, something you might want to keep in mind is that your children are young for such a short time and it would be great if everyone could enjoy this time to its fullest.

I know you feel you cannot afford to hire a sitter, but you might want to have a compassionate talk with your MIL. You might tell her that you can understand how overwhelming it must feel to her to have all 3 boys at once without some help. You can tell her that you truly appreciate her intentions to be supportive and how much she must want to have some quality time with her grandchildren. Thank her for the Sunday dinners. We used to have those with my MIL. Now I am the one making all the Sunday dinners and I really miss that feeling of someone cooking a special meal for me. I have a friend who does that for me occasionally and I so appreciate it!

Once you have expressed real understanding and appreciation, you can ask if she would like to consider ways it might be possible to have the boys over a bit more. If you cannot afford a sitter, maybe she can. There is nothing wrong with her hiring a sitter to help her with the boys so that she can have time with them without feeling like there is too much on her shoulders. If she doesn't want to hire a sitter, does your husband have some cousins or do you have friends with a teen that would be willing to help grandma with the boys just to get some babysitting experience with a grandma to supervise? If that does not sound appealing, would she prefer to have time with the boys one at a time? This doesn't solve your desire to have a break from the kids altogether, but it might be something she feels better prepared to do. The important thing is to create the possibility to discuss options in a positive, loving, accepting, understanding, and respectful way. You never know what creative solutions might come up! It won't help to keep comparing your MIL with your family and holding resentments. Everyone needs to be accepted for who they are. We all have our weaknesses. As a soon to be MIL, I just pray my precious DIL to be will not need to ask all of you about how to handle all my flaws! None of us want to be thought of for our weaknesses instead of our strengths.

Hi K.,

Great thoughts already! I'm going to add a little bit of a spin to it. . .
Why do we assume our mothers/MIL HAVE to babysit and expect them to do so?

I'm not sure why or how, but my husband and I never asked a mother to babysit unless we were semi-desperate! If we couldn't afford a babysitter, we had to decided how bad we wanted/needed to do something. Then if we called a mom, they new they were really needed. Our oldest (now 18) was a chronic ear infection kid and it got to the point where neither my husband or myself could take anymore time off. My MIL would watch him then but I never took advantage of it and always went strait to pick him up when I got off.
My mom was still working full time, so her time was limited to begin with. My MIL did not work, but she was busy with her own things.

I completely understand your frustration though because I remember wanting my kids to have a strong relationship with their grandparents because I never felt like I had that. But as I get older I realize that not only do they do the best they can, but it is really their loss in the long run. I know we're picking on the grandmothers, but my dad took my son fishing ONE time when he was about 5. My son still talks about it to this day and at 18 there could have been so much interaction/bonding over the years but it didn't happen. MY FIL takes more of an interest in the kids now that he's retired. But he was so busy in the corporate world that when they were smaller he too had limited interaction and is now trying to do the best he can to interact with the kids.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, trust me I was there once, but as you get older you will look back and realize that they are doing the best they can and that you can not take it personal. Try to change the way you do things/look at the situation and try not to let it frustrate you. The frustration/anger just wastes your time and energy and really has no affect on them.

In good health,
Lori K

Hi K., I can closely relate. My situation, I have determined that she likes the idea of being a Grandma, but not actually the "being" a Grandma part. She's not good with kids and is one of those odd people who has never seemed to just enjoy children - see kids do something cute and think it's cute (before she had grandkids). I don't think she was very good with her own kids either. She's a selfish person at heart, not to say that she's not basically a good person.

She was insistent in buying herself a nice stroller and car seat - but never offered to help us purchase those things! I had just lost my job and our baby was a surprise. Then, she just never made her a priority at all. She's not a warm loving person and therefore I'm not comfortable with long periods of time that my daughter might spend with her. When she was a baby, and I was nursing her, she commented on what a shame it was because that was why she couldn't keep her overnight. HA! I would have sooner died than left her overnight as a baby with them. Because, just like your MIL, she's one way when friends are watching and totally not when they aren't watching. Plus, she wouldn't spend anytime with us with the baby, she only wanted to take her on her own. So she didn't know the routines - could not change diapers well, could absolutely not do the car seat buckles - give me a break! She's only 22 years older than us, she's not feeble minded or bodied.

My MIL's friends say, "Oh I bet she's such a great grandma" and it just sticks in my craw! She's not.

So, I gave up. I expect NOTHING from them. If anything happens fine. But, I set the rules. For instance (fitting, I know), she drives a chrysler convertable and we refuse the baby in that car - period the end. It's not a safe car in the first place and add to that the convertable aspect. We decided to set our rules since not saying something to hurt her feelings really wasn't as important as keeping our child as safe as possible.

If I were you, I would stop with her. You just hurt yourself when she lets you down.

Check out your neighborhood, we have a grandma whose children live out of state; a young couple who have children and the kids love to play together; and a couple with college ages who loved kids. Any of them would "play" with her while we did things if we asked them. (I know it's hard to ask though.)

Maybe you can work something out with a friend as a trial - and make it an early dinner so the one whose week it is to do the sitting doesn't have to deal with bedtime?

Best of luck, and know it's not just you who deals with MIL's who seem to be lacking the grandma gene!

P.S. I disagree with people who sort of scold you about expecting your MIL to watch your kids. It's obvious to me that you are talking about a short span of time, from time to time. That's part of being a family. Sometimes I wonder about families because it seems like some would do more for their friends or even strangers than they would consider doing for their family?? The Sunday dinner thing, seems somewhat manipulative too - like you mentioned she asks you and then acts like you're bothering her...

Hi K.,

I totally understand the way you feel. It is hard to find who can babysit the children. All my relatives and family live out of the country, and my -in-laws- live out of the state. So, my husband and I take turns during weekends, he finds a day to take care of the kids if I have to go to the doctor or dentist, etc. It is not easy at all, but we do it that way. Most of our friends live out of the state, and others work a lot, so we are just by ourselves.
I don't know how old your MIL is, but I think that she wants to help and be part of your family, but there are so many reasons with grandmas who act that way: hidden health issues (Ex Alzheimer's, she does not have to be too old to show early signs...), children are children, and sometimes grandparents are not able to deal with them the way we can. They just can't. Lack of energy and strength is another one; sometimes they may seem not very sincere when they try to help and finally they don't do it because taking care of children is a big responsibility and they feel overwhelmed. I know is not easy at all, but try to find some willing friends and take turns to take care of the kids. Believe me, I know how frustrated you are right now, but your mother in law is not the problem, and I assure that if she is OK, she would have helped you.
Lastly, I don't think she does not love your children, she just cannot do what she wants or try to do for these reasons I told you, or others.
Take care, and good luck!
Alejandra

Hi K.. I am the Nana of 5 and Cher made a very good point. I do watch two gr son's during the day every day. I do love it. I haven't laughed so much or felt such love since our son's were little. But when it's time for Mom to come get them @ 4:45 I am ready to hug, kiss and give them see you in the morning bye byes! When she calls and asks if it's OK to stop at Wally world for milk or diapers I always say sure BUT hurry Nana's getting tired LOL
This is for our eldest son's boys. Even with both working they just could not afford day care, and I loved the idea of being able to be with babies again. Right now our son is out of work, doing side jobs so far. Unemployment doesn't go far.

In maybe the 8 yrs they have been married, they have asked Nana & papa (mainly Nana) to watch them 3 times in 4 yrs so they could see a movie or go out for an anniversary. They don't want to ask since I do watch them daily, but I don't mind.

On spring break this year I took Austin 8, on Monday through Tuesday morning, Then Asher 4 1/2 from Tuesday to Wed morning, The picked up Tia 9, Wed AM til Thursday. Plus having the other 2 (4 & 17mo) boys.
I knew I could not have all 5 at the same time. I took 4 to a movie once alone and it was not that much fun in the beginning, but turned out ok, we all loved the movie!! Won't do it again though until they are older. I won't take the 3 older ones all together at one time either. One at a time is what I know I can do, it gives us one on one time, as each loves to do different things. Austin loves playing board games with Papa. Tia at 9 still loves playing dress up in Nana's old cloths, doing hair styles, watching chick flicks etc.
Asher is easy he like to do just about anything alone, I never have to try and entertain him or keep him busy.
We, except papa that is, when they stay camp out in the living room with popcorn and a favorite DVD.

Our youngest son let's me choose when to take one of the kids, as he knows I am usually looking forward to quiet time on the weekends. He used to get upset I had his brothers children more but he put it behind him.

I was fortunate to have two sets of parents and in laws. Was unfortunate the only ones who watched our boys once in a GREAT while was my mom & step dad. And years later I found out our son's didn't like going to Gr ma's unless gr papa (step dad) was going to be around. It's terrible to speak ill of those who have passed away, but my mom was not the worlds most loving caring, supportive MOM. She doted on our bro. who was middle child and my sister ( 10 yrs younger then me)and I got the brunt of her either anger or frustrations. Mom didn't know how to really love someone.

She and her 2 sister's were left with gr parents at a very young age for several yrs. Until my Nana re married she never came around much. They all 3 of the girls loved their step dad so much and became his farm hands.
Mom's Middle sister left her two son's with my Nana when they were very small and she took off to parts unknown. She came and got them with they was 17-18. Neither passed the 6th gr.
My Mom divorced my dad when I was 17 months old, then left me with my Nana for 3 yrs when I came down with Rheumatic fever and was very sick. She came back for me when I was about 4 and she remarried soon after and had my brother and sister.. I don't remember any of it, except living with mom in a one bedroom apartment in Wichita and she worked nights as a waitress. I stayed with the landlady Gr ma Vreeland. Moms oldest Sister I think was the only one who never left her children with Nana.

Going to Visit Nana was a highlight for all of us. She lived over 150 miles away and we got to visit every couple of months. Then a week in the summer.

I learned years later my mom treated my son's horribly at times, when my step dad was away from the house on errands etc.. But they never said a word to us at the time. My awesome step dad always made sure they had a wonderful time. We didn't know mom had already started having problems with dementia / Alzheimer's :( Mom died last Aug.

When I got married and had our first son 3 yrs later I VOWED to never be like my own mother. I would tell our son's daily how much they were loved, I would be one of those very involved mom's at school. They would be at church every time the doors were open and sometimes when it was just me getting ready for a church dinner, decorating or practicing music, they were with me. I lived up to my vows also. I also home schooled when they started 8 & 6th gr.

I am one Mom, Grandmother AKA Nana who loves her son's and gr children more then anything in the world BUT I know my limits.
Both boys are napping now so i have kitchen to clean and laundry to maybe start. My home is not filled with fancy things, it's comfy for me and never is in perfect order, the kids have fun at Nana's. I'm not the cookie baking type though. We love outside on the swing set or sand box digging holes in it. Blowing bubbles in the wind or watching clouds drift by. Going to the Big play area at the Mall in Wichita. *Longest mom ever came to visit us was when we moved to TX for 6 yrs she had to stay longer then 20-30 minutes. Her home was always perfect, mine was prefectly lived IN* :))
One thing I wish I could still do with my gr daughter is play hopscotch or jump rope....lol mini pads still come in handy for something;) I can do cartwheels and stand on my head...lol

Not all gr parents are able or even willing to be what we as children or even as adults saw on TV like the Walton's or the Real McCoy's.
We might not know what was in a person's past to cause them to do the things they do. Maybe they were abandoned, abused and just flat are afraid of being responsible for another person. I never would of thought my mom would or could of been mean to my children like she was with us. I never saw the signs of it and they never said a word. My Brother may have as he never allowed his 2 children to stay over night ever. Never left them even for a few hours with them.

When our boys were young we could afford sitters for Bible studies once a month, then they only charged like 5.00 a night. I babysat for $.50 a hour when i was growing up...lol

Don't judge to harshly K., I never thought for a moment you were doing that either. You were concerned about what you saw & felt when around your MIL. We just never really know or understand the motives behind other people actions.

God Bless you K., my hope for you is peace and compassion, whether it is returned or even acknowledged.

K. Nana of 5
TGIF........*Laughing*

K. -

Your MIL does sound confusing, but her actions may be speaking louder than her words. On one hand she wants to be part of the family (or says as such), but is not living up to her lip service. So... let her be and don't count on her - she doesn't sound completely reliable anyway.

Consider a babysitting co-op with your friends since money's tight. I've read about some that work really well! The premise is something like this: A group of friends, all with kids, swap babysitting duties for 'points' then cash in when they want their kids watched. The watchers get points that they can use in the future. It's a win-win for everyone involved as the kids get to see each other on a fairly regular basis (sleep-overs, pizza, and a movie - how fun is that?) and the parents get to enjoy adult time without finding a sitter everytime.

As for your MIL, I'd let her be for now. Perhaps she'll come to her own realization that she's missing out on some great years with your kiddos.

Good luck,
J

Too bad that we can't pick our relatives and write their job descriptions...

I agree with the responders who indicated that three small ones might be a handful. My mom loved the idea of watching my son until we had a daughter 19 months later. Then the baby sitting offers became less frequent. I envied my friends whose parents watched their kids overnight. Two small ones at the same time (except on rare occassions was too overwhelming for my mother. As an older parent with two small children it is sometimes overwhelming for me. You started off with two from the get go. Three small kids so close in age are a lot of energy. I admire you for being able to do it.

Personally, I often have to stop and think of how short life is. Each family has to figure out what things in life are important to you. My husband and I placed value on having extended family around. Not because we thought it would be great to have a built in support system with baby sitters, but because it was important for our kids to know who their family was.

When my friend's mother passed away at an age I would consider too young to lose a grandma, I no longer envied her for being able to have an overnight sitter. Although it seemed like a lot of effort to visit my 100 year old grandma especially with my children, I always remembered that one Sunday might be the last one. She might not have been able to get up and play with them but they still remember her because she sometimes gave them treats and read to them. My father in law was an only child and at times drove us all crazy because of he could be incredibly self-centered. The kids remember silly things that he did with them even though he is now gone. I never knew my MIL she died unexpectantly before she reached 50.

That being said, it does sound like you and your husband are the ones making most of the effort. Would your mother in law consider visiting your family at your house instead of you always going there? She wouldn't have to worry about the mess. Kids usually have enough to keep themselves entertained at their own house. Would she consider meeting you at a park or some other location? With Easter and warm weather coming up could you invite her to tag along on an Easter egg hunt, go out for ice cream? If going to your inlaws house seems too frustrating are there other ways that you could still make connections?

Also, as other responders have said, can you find an occassion for your mother in law to visit with one child at a time? Maybe try focusing on the relationship you want her to build with each child, rather than focusing on what your MIL can do to help support your family?

It sounds like there is some frustration built up around this issue. Talking to your MIL about your feelings can be helpful if done in a constructive way. Using "I" language rather than the accusatory "you" is a good way to start things off. Also, if it were me, I would focus on why it is important to you to establish a relationship between grandparents and each individual grandchild, rather than why you need the support. If you focus on what your needs are remember that relationships work both ways. She might come up with her own a list of ways you can help her.

Three small children are a handful. It sounds like you do need some source of support. I empathize with you. My mother finally started doing overnight visits this past year when my children were 4 and 6. Remember, that unless you are homeschooling, your children will be attending school soon. I look forward to those short 8 hours a week when I have no kids. Good luck.

First, to everyone who says you had your kids, the grandparents didn't. Or you and your hubby don't have to have alone time.....I DON'T AGREE! Ask any marriage counselors, pastors, etc. They will tell you how important it is to have alone time with your spouse. I think some people are just bitter. And we know our kids are our responsibility. I take my kids everywhere with me and I am a stay at home mom and am getting ready to homeschool next fall! My kids are everything to me!!! SO with that said, on to my response!

Oh girl...I've been there. And btw, my MIL left my hubby and his brother when they were in h/s as well. When I had my first (her first grandchild as well) she kept her all the time. Then my bil had a baby and she quit watching mine. She would bring my daughter home if they called her to babysit. I would have to leave what I was doing and go get mine. And she said b/c she had spent so much time with my daughter that she had to make it up to the other one. Mine was the first born!! Of coarse she spent time w/her first! The other baby wasn't BORN YET!! Anyway, then I had my second and my BIL had his second shortly after. I will say that the bil and sil asked her all the time to babysit...I never did b/c I got to the point of it not being worth it. And I thought if she didn't want them, I didn't want them there. BUT!!! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! I finally had enough, b/c my oldest was starting to see how she made a difference. She even got the other kid an extra present at Christmas! So I had a VERY emotional conversation with her on the phone. And again in person. It was so hard. But I told her EVERYTHING!!! Now, her and I are wonderful friends! We talk on the phone everyday and she actually wants to be a part of my kids life! She asks for them to come over and to come over here. She is a great grandma, friend to me and mother to my hubby again! All it took was her and I just speaking our minds and hearts. You need to tell her everything you said on here and how it makes you feel. I'm serious. EVERYTHING!! Don't let her hurt you and your kiddo's like this! I'll be praying for you to be able to choose your words with her and peace for however the outcome. But you need to make sure your hubby is backing you on this too. God bless you...I know exactly how you feel!!

And to Jo, I don't think she means that if she loves them she has to babysit! That's not it at all. It's the fact of her acting like, when people are around, that she is so involved and then not really be involved. Grandparents do not HAVE to babysit. But I guess my mom is so much different. She asks for my kids almost everyday. She would take them everywhere with her if she could. I have to tell her no sometimes b/c she asks for them so much. But it is hurtful when you ask and ask for a grandparent to babysit and they constantly make and excuse or back out at the last minute. They shouldn't act like they want to if they really don't. The kids WILL eventually see it. Mine did. And I guess I just don't understand how you wouldn't want your grand kids. My kids are young and I already get excited thinking about how precious my grand kids will be and what a blessing they will be to have around!

Oh, you poor thing. I know some of what you are going through. Only it is not only my MIL, but also my own mother sometimes. My mom says that she wants to spend time with my kids, but she gets overwhelmed very easily with both of them if I am not there, but I was also an only child, which may be where it all stems from for your situation as well. She only had 1 child, she knows how to take care of 1 child, she only raised 1 child, just trying to make a little point. Coming to realize this has helped me not get frustrated with my own situation. This may also be the reason that she was upset with the addition of more children, maybe she either thought that you guys couldn't handle it or maybe she was jealous that you could handle it and she knew that she couldn't. My MIL on the other hand, she had 3 boys, all of her boys have kids. Her oldest son has twins and she walks on egg shells around him and his wife and is constantly doing things for them. My husband is the baby, and he is always picking up the pieces for his family, so that is how they treat him, and my kids. They don't do anything special, they don't go out of their way to do stuff for us, it is all about the oldest, and occasionally the middle kid. I know it's tough, but hang in there. I really hope this helps you find some peace.

I think the age and the fact that there are 3 kiddos may be a bit overwhelming. Why not suggest that once a week one child spend an hour at grandma's. That may give her one on one time to really get to know that one child better and then over time be able to handle 2 at a time or even all three. Establishing the one on one relationship seems to really have helped us with our 4 kids at grandma and grandpas. They knew what each kid was like and what they enjoyed plus fostered better respect from the kids to the adults. You are a busy mom. I wish you the best.

I have an MIL who wouldlove to just lay around in her pajamas and read and smoke all day. When I had my first son she was at my house all the time, but as he got older and I had my second son I see less and less of her, and the last time I called her I asked how shew as doing and she responded with "why?" so... I don't even call her anymore. I never hassled her to babysit my kids, she always offered and now I just want to bring them for a visit now and then and that is how she acts so I don;t even bother. She knows where we live if she wants to see them. As far as your MIL, it sounds like having the bedroom in her house is a good show for everyone, but she never intended to use it. She's obviously done with child-rearing and not interested in regressing to help out her grandchildren. If it was me I probably wouldn;t sweat it, I'd just stop trying to get her spend time with the kids b/c again, she knows where they are if she wants to see them. Plus, do you want you kids to have the memory of Grandma not wanting them around her? Its probably better for her make her own time for them and actually WANT to be around them, that woudl probably make better memories for them, even if they are far and few between. Good Luck. WHo knows why people act the way they do....?

I had the same thing happen with both my mother and MIL. In 15 years my daughter stayed night twice at MIL. Boys never did. She watched maybe twice in 15 years. My own mother would take care of the ones at home when I was in hospital with others. She also kept them over night maybe a total of 4 times in 15 years and never any other times.

My kids are grown now and we have 2 grandsons 4 & 10. We see them almost too much but love them dearly. We have them overnight almost every Saturday. I pick them up from school so we are very involved. If we can't take them my daughter gets irate and says ALL grandparents take their kids all the time now a days. Well we do plenty and glad we do.

It sounds like you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that your husband's grandmother took care of him most of the time when he was younger. She may not be comfortable with small children. See if your husband can talk to her since she seems to ignore you.

MY bestfriend and I have had similar situations, only with our own parents. My bestfriend's mother was a very young mother and growing up, she was a very nurturing, caring mother (I knew her then). Once the kids were grown, she got a divorce. She soon didn't have time for her grandchildren in and wasn't much interested because of, like you said, reliving her youth that she missed. My mom, just isn't going to be that grandma that grandma. She watches them once in a blue moon over night and only watches them in an emergency. We have had our go-around because, I don't know, I guess I thought she would suddenly change and become the perfect, nuturing, cuddley grandma I wanted for my kids. But she wasn't like that as a mom, she won't be as a grandma. She is better, though. And she loves my kids, just in her own way. What I would suggest is to invite her for dinner, in your house. She might be more relaxed and let her have time with the kids with you around (she might be fearful) and the kids can have a relationship with her that way. My mom has gotten the kids interested in her hobbies so she gets to spend time with the kids doing what she likes to do. Sneaky but it works. As for needing a break, my sister, best friend and I have come to rely on each other. Yeah, there are a lot of kids, but we don't mind. Look to your friends and other family as your support system because there is probably nothing you can do to get it from her. You'd be surprised,you probably have a friend who has a similar situation

It saddens me when I hear of grandparents not taking a role in their grandkids lives. Your MIL sounds like she was an only child and had an only child. Sometimes with this they really don't know how to handle more than one child at a time. My cousin's MIL was like that...she was an only and had an only and couldn't understand how to love more than one. Fortunately she did learn and enjoys her grandkids now. I would say to not ask her any more. Quit cold turkey on everything involving her. If she wants to be young again, then let her be. Hopefully after a while she realize that she hasn't heard from ya'll for a while and she may come around.
Now as for the child care issues...have you tried a sort of co-op with your friends? We have serveral friends that when they need child care we will watch their kids and in return we do the same for them. If it is going to be a late night then we go to their house and get their kids to bed and ours would sleep on the couch until time to leave. Now the kids are older and it is easier to do, but we still do this for our friends and them for us. It gives everyone a chance to have a date night and such. We've even gotten calls late at night when someone has had to go to the emergency room. Find a few friends you could do this with and work out the details. It can work with SAH moms when it comes to doctors appointments too. Then it is like a play date with the kids. Good luck and God Bless.

I completely understand your frustrations! Only for me it is MY mother. She is always talking about how she wishes she could spend more time with us but then when the opportunity arises, it is just too much of a chore. You hear one thing but see something totally different. I have learned to go by what I see, not what I hear. You should not feel obligated to make your MIL a part of your family. If she wants to be included, then she needs to take the initative. The best thing that my husband and I did was move farther away! I don't have to feel guilty about not spending time with my mom and if she really wants to see the kids, then she has to put forth the effort. Don't let her attitude become a problem in your family. If she is not willing to help, then don't ask her too. Spend more of that precious time with people who will be there to help you out in a jam. And don't be so quick to assume that your friends aren't willing to help, even if they have a handful of kids of their own. Maybe you can work something out with one of them to swap babysitting. You take their kids one Saturday, they get yours the next so that they everyone gets some alone time. We do this all the time with friends and family who are close. Once you have two or three kids, a couple extra for a couple hours is really not that big of a deal and sometimes can even be kind of a break in itself because the kids have so much fun playing together. Take everything that the MIL say with a grain of salt and spend more time with the people that really care about you and your family and you will be amazed at how much more peaceful things will become around the house.

Your MIL is mad about something, and it has been smouldering for a long time, based on what you have described. The only way to find out is to be direct. I know she avoids it, but go over there alone, sit her down and tell her this dancing on eggshells routine has got to end. Tell her you love her and want to get this straight. Tell her you don't read minds, and have gotten nothing but mixed messages now for however long. You can't take it anymore, and if she can't spit out what is causing this rift, then you will just have to refrain from coming over, it's too hard on the family and hurting the kids. Once she spills it, then you can deal with it. If she still refuses to be honest with you, I would remind her occasionally that you and the kids love and miss her, and still hope she will do her part to resolve the distance by sitting down to discuss this with you and your husband. If none of this works, just be loving, but keep your distance. No one needs this type of shizoid confusion to divide the family and confuse the children. Does this lady have mental problems, or has she had some sort of a traumatic experience that would make her afraid to be open?? Good Luck, you and your husband stick together on this and support each other. We were older when we had our kids, and our family didn't help us out much either - we NEVER got a break. So just do what you must to get an occasional break, and keep that romance alive!!

I am a FT single mom, soon to be divorced, with 3 wonderful boys, aged 9,8 and 6. Hang in there!

K.,
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time! It's especially frustrating when it seems like someone who SHOULD be helping, ISN'T. But try to remember that you cannot force others to do anything.

I agree with your dh that you should skip the weekly meal with MIL and do more with friends. Sometimes it helps just to be able to talk to another couple while your kids and theirs are playing; at least you won't feel so alone. Maybe some of your friends with kids would be willing to trade babysitting--you watch their kids one night, they watch yours another. That way, you don't have to pay for babysitting, and you can still get some time to go out. If you have a special skill (sewing, painting, organizing, etc.), you could consider bartering services--you babysit for me this week, and next week, I'll detail your car.)

If dh can take the boys one night, take a class or just go on a Girl's night out, then trade so he can go out with the guys, too. Other times, you could keep two boys at home while he takes the other out for ice cream or vice versa. And consider setting aside a little money here and there to pay for babysitting once a month or so, because it sounds like you two need some time alone! Is it possible for your mom to come stay and help out for a week or so?

When you are at MIL's house, the *minute* you start feeling like she wishes you'd all just go home, come up with an excuse and LEAVE. If you don't feel welcome, why stick around?

Don't ask her to watch the kids unless it's an emergency (and even then, at this point, I'd try to have a back-up).

If she offers babysitting, ask her for specifics RIGHT THEN, not later. If she says, "I'd be happy to watch the kids for you sometime," ask her, "What day this week would be good for you?" This should give you a good gauge as to whether she really means it, or is saying it just to be polite (not that it's really polite to offer to help when you don't mean it!). If she gives excuses why it can't be this week, or next week, then just nicely tell her, "That's fine, but please stop offering if you don't mean it." If she says, "I do mean it," then you can say, "Well, when you are ready to set a date, let me know." Again, be polite, but firm about it. She might get mad, but at least she'll know where you stand. And the first few times she gives you a specific date, expect her to change her mind, until you know that she will actually follow through.

I just would NOT depend on her right now, especially for overnights. Get creative instead. Take the family out for a picnic at a park, where you and dh can sort of be alone while the kids are still in sight. Try to get the kids to bed early enough that you have some time to talk before you two go to bed, too. I don't know if you watch TV, but if so, I'd seriously suggest that you TURN IT OFF. (This is the BEST thing we've ever done for our family.)

HTH! Good luck!
--A.

K., I'm sorry to hear of your MIL problem. It sounds to me like what she says and what she does are entirely different things. Humans do that a lot. My advice to you is to try to find a responsible baby sitter and forget about your MIL helping out. I wouldn't bother her with it again, but that's me. Surely someone you know either has or knows a teenager (or adult) that is responsible enough to sit with your kids for a few hours without breaking your budget. My mother used to babysit a little boy 9 hours a day, 5 days a week for $10 per day! He even had his own room at our house. The boys single mother worked as a waitress at the local truckstop. She couldn't afford to pay more that $10 per day-she probably couldn't even afford that! My point is, surely my mother wasn't the only person left in the world that would help out someone in need. There must be others out there! Heck, if you live close enough, I'd be glad to help out from time to time. I live North of Liberty, MO. You might want your next question on this site to be "HELP! I need an inexpensive, responsible babysitter in my area." My offer is serious. If I'm close enough and you really want a night off, contact me. I promise I'm cheap and I'll even provide references.

Good luck!

K. your MIL is SELFISH!! Try to check with your church if you go, alot of them these days have babysitting co-ops, where you can swap babysitting with other families at no charge. But you have to babysit others as well for the swap. I understand where you are coming from, and why subject your kids to your MIL. They can sense where they are not wanted. I'd try something else. Good luck.

Wow I guess this subjuect hit home to alot of people and saw some not so nice responses. Yes I do think she could do more even if it's coming over to your house and spending time with the kids. You don't know what you have till it's to late. My dad passed away before I even got married so the time my kids and I spend with family is treasured she needs to come around and relize that kids grow up and will not always be around cause I'm sure that once they are grown and don't want to spend time with her she'll have something to say about it then!

HI
I know this is late. But when someone keeps saying they are going to do something and never come through, that is a huge sign of immaturity. Bottom line, I dont think you can count on her. I hate to say this, but she seems like shes been pretty self centered for quite sometime, so I would try not to take it personally. I know thats WAY harder said than done. She is missing out on very precious time.
And I know this is going to sound bitchy, but I would just let her know shes welcome to come see your kids, but unfortunately you dont always have time to see her when its convient for her. I know you are hurt by this, I would be to. But you cant force someone to do the right thing. My fathers mother let everyone know right off the bat and shes not a babysitter, and I have never had a relationship with her, EVER. I think its pretty weird, I am so close to my dad, but I barely know his mother. Its sad but what can you do? Good luck! Im sorry.

K., you're MIL is in love with the IDEA of being a grandma and a help, NOT with the actual reality of it. Stop buying into what is obviously a load of donkey dung...you're only further hurting yourself, your hubby, and ultimately your kids. Your hubby is dead on for skipping the Sunday get togethers. Frankly, I think it's something you probably should have stopped catering to awhile back.

Obviously, she was thrilled with the idea of the kids...thus the made over bedroom, etc. Probably even made your DH feel real good about mom...but that has proven itself false as with all her promises. My DH is the only boy (and youngest) of 5 kids and we were promised ALL KINDS of help from sisters, neices, nephews AND the in-laws....HA! 2 deployements and I've gotten jack and squat from them...the only way to save your sanity on this is to make your own rules. IF YOU WANT the kids to see Grandma, then take them over at YOUR convenience. But stop trying to make something happen that isn't happening...you're only making yourselves (you and hubby) miserable and my guess is your kids have already figured out grandmas games.

I think you've hit upon the right track with getting together with your friends. If you friends have kids or if you have friends at church with young kids suggest date nights....1 family gets the kids on Friday while 1-2 families go out...then switch...figure it out to be even based on number of kids and ACTUAL participation. My BFF does this in our hometown and they have never been happier...doesn't cost anything for babysitting and they get to enjoy a dinner and movie w/o the kids.

I feel for you here, I really do. And this is a hard thing to do but in order for you to truly save your sanity you both will need to just back away and be unemotional about it. Don't ask and don't expect anything from her. YOU call the shots on when and where you will get together. Believe me, I know where you're at. I too was raised that family would always be there for you and take care of you...it's been a rude awakening. Right now, the only important people in this equation are you, hubby and your kids...beyond that, it's all icing on the cake. Take care of yourselves and your needs FIRST. If anyone is going to have this out with your MIL it HAS to be your husband. You will ALWAYS be considered an outsider and resented for taking her boy away...just what I've learned... The key here, is what you all decide to do if he's not successful. In our case, we walked away. WE call the shots about when we go to visit, how long the visits are, etc. They have no choice. AND if we get there and things aren't going well, we will (and have) leave/left. It's a matter of self preservation and integrity. If you don't want your kids to learn that you can be manipulated and abused then you have to take a stand against that kind of behavior NO MATTER WHO is inflicting it. Otherwise, it will just perpetrate the cycle. Sit down after the kids have gone to bed and have a heart to heart with hubby or write him a note about your feelings on it. But whatever you all do, IT MUST BE A UNITED STAND or it won't work. She will divide and conquer you and start mini-fights and squabbles...been there, done that.

If you ever want to chat more, feel free to contact me either through this message board or my email is ____@____.com of luck to you.

Sounds like you got lots of good ideas.

Sounds like she likes the 'idea' of being a grandmother but for some reason spending time with them is too much. I would try the one-on-one 'dating' and see if she likes that. I don't know if I would completely stop the Sunday dinners because the kids do get to see her then. Decide which is more important, her building a relationship with the kids or you getting a break. (and the break is all so important) My MIL helped out until her own biological grand kids came along (re-marriage after MIL died) then my kids were dumped. Now that my kids are young adults she is trying to rebuild the relationship and my kids want NOTHING to do with her or their grandfather. For us it is more my FIL. He likes the idea of being a grandfather but never makes any effort to be one (or a father that matter).

That sucks. I would suggest that if someone needs to talk with her that it should be your husband since it is his mother. I'm kind of in the same situation - we moved to the same city as my MIL about 1 1/2 years ago and we hardly saw her the first year - my 6 month old didn't even know her. But she does help out occasionally when I call (I just limit the amount of times that I call). You may just have to come to terms with the way it is and not expect anything more. Not much fun - but it might keep you all from being stressed over the situation. Good luck.

I know this is late, but I thought I would respond anyway. I am a member of a babysitting co-op. We trade babysitting, have Mom's Night Out once a month, and meet for playdates. It really helps a lot. If you don't know any other Stay at home moms, why not put up a sign at your local library to try to start a playgroup/potential babysitting co-op? It has saved my life, and made me and my children some long-time friends!

Good luck!

I would quit frustrating myself by ever considering this option. I would find a friend who I trust and see if they have any interest in sharing babysitting (even once a month) so that you can go out. Or find a babysitter and bite the bullet and pay.

I personally would say forget it and just know she is not reliable, and to know that she is not really an option for a babysitter. She is full of hot air, which is crappy, but it is what it is. My MIL to a point is the same way, and my husband and I just got to the point of not asking anymore.