Confused...hormones?

Don't let yourself fall into the trap of adultry!
Treat your husband the way you want him to treat you.
Couples do not have to have everything in common to make a marriage work, sometimes it's much more interesting when you both bring different interests to the table.
Adultry can be a permanent way to damage a relationship that may just need a little time and devotion to fix.
It sounds like your husband loves and trusts you and is comfortable with your relationship, something we all want to feel.
Your marriage is young, you have a baby, there will be marital distractions for awhile, you have to weather them if you can. These feelings of neglect and neediness will pass eventually. You will feel so much better later when you can say "my husband and I have been married for 50 years".
Talk honestly with him about your feelings.

When our marriage gets complacent or we feel as though we're taking advantage of one another's time or love, we pack a small bag, give the kids to grandma, and head out of town for an evening or two away. It does wonders for us! And not having the kids around really helps us get into a romantic groove and appreciate each other again. Sometimes it's hard for me to leave the kids or work, but I push myself to do it as I feel my marriage needs just as much nurturing and support as any other relationship in my life. And my man is definitely worth it. ;-)

Good luck to you. Give yourself some grace and remember that you are only human (and so is your husband). You guys will work through it!

Yes, you can spark a fire between you and your husband. Remember how you felt about him when you were first together and start from there. Rather than trying to wait for him to become what you want him to become or do, why don't you romance him. Admire him... fall head over heels in love with him. Another man will not meet your needs even if it seems like he will. You will be in this same situation with another man and may even feel worse than you do now. You have the power to change your relationship by giving 100% to your marriage. It may not change over night but be patient, loving and do whatever it takes to add spark to you marriage again. Be creative, loving and kind. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. It isn't!

Go to counseling--by yourself first, then you can ask him to join you when you are ready. You are obviously very good at being honest with yourself, and you deserve to be the happiest you can be. That should be in your marriage...not with someone else. That said, if you give your marriage a very honest and long attempt and you made a mistake, then you can decide if you want to be alone (note that I did not say with this other guy). Life is too short to be unhappy, but you fell in love with your husband for some reason. I do understand--marriage and parenthood are both very difficult at times. They are a lot of work, no matter who it's with! I've been with my husband for 19 years, married 10, and we now have a 4 year or and almost 2 year old. Each step (marriage, first baby, second baby) had me wondering at times, "What the heck did I do?", but I've read good books and gotten counseling, and after 19 years, I'm still in love with him.
There are days I don't like him all that much...but I always love him. The most fair thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and your baby is to go get counseling to be the healthiest you can be inside and then tell him and show him what you want in a very loving and supportive way. The counselor will help you with wording and how to go about getting issues talked about and resolved in a way that respects both of your needs. Call your insurance--mine was just a regular co-pay, so I went almost every week for a year (had a lot to figure out!). This will make you a better mother, too, because you will be taking care of yourself (like the oxygen mask on a plane, right?).

Good luck, T., and until you get yourself figured out (I mean that in a healthy and supportive way), I agree with the others who say to keep your distance. You are vulnerable right now (duh).

P.S. I get the difference thing--we joke about not knowing how the heck we are together. He loves country, I can't stand it (Metallica rocks!), he's a country boy and I like the vibe of a city with hippies in it (Portland or SF). We tolerate each other's differences and will take turns with music or find a middle ground. I'm a talker and he's quiet. I want to analyze every fight and he just wants to ignore them all. I fill my self with what I need and like and do not expect to get it all from him.

Like Laura said, "RUN!" People get themselves into tricky situations because they allow themselves to spend enough time to get to know those things. I don't need to know that much about a man I just met who was not a friend of mine before I met my husband. He probably thinks you're not romantic either, so you do the initiating. It would be nice if you're husband liked to do those things so you could enjoy them even better. However, if that's not his thing, just look at it as your special time to miss him.

My only bit of advice, because it looks like you have good advice already but I didn't notice this.... don't be around your best friend's brother at all until you have this resolved. That's a danger zone!!!

I think the fact that you posted this is your conscience yelling in capital letters, CAUTION and HOLD ON! Quite frankly in the first year after new baby your desire level for your husband has probably been a little lower (lack of sleep, nursing, total obsession brought on by mothering causes this) and perhaps your lack of enthusiasm towards your husband may be effecting his romance game (but really that part's kind of normal for a new father too...he may be concentrating on providing for his family and think that he's showing his love for you by taking care of you and the child) I know I'm taking a stab in the dark because I don't know you personally but this is something that I've gone through and have read happens a lot.

Its easy for anyone showing interest in you to make you feel special after you have gone through the incredible changes motherhood brings...you may feel like you've lost part of yourself and someone new makes you feel like more than just a mom.

The key is to begin the romance with your husband without waiting for him to take charge. Why would he have to have the same interests as you? He is your other half. He completes you. Wouldn't it be narcissistic if we only loved someone that was the same as we were?

Teach him how to love you. Be physically intimate with your husband...stop arguing and start listening to him...he sounds non confrontational (my guy is too and it drives me crazy, but he just comes from a different place and it has its own benefits) Your hormones may just be confused, but I bet if you share your passion with your husband, he may wonder how lucky he got to be so blessed.

Oh, and I'd avoid Mr. best friend's romantic brother like the plague. It sounds like you know you are vulnerable, and that is the biggest hint that you need to invest yourself in your husband. What does Proverbs say? Something like: FLEE TEMPTATION! Literally, run away from anything that would weaken your love for your husband.

My husband and I will be married 21 years this year and it would be unrealistic to expect that every day would be a romantic fantasy (much as I tell myself sometimes that that's what I want :) But what we have is good, with sparks of better and best. Contentment is good.

This is the way (in my opinion) that a lot of marriages are. The first year or so is exciting, and if you're lucky, romantic. And then everyone gets a little too comfortable, and the relationship is taken for granted. I can relate to being attracted to others characteristics, and feeling bad for having those thoughts, but the truth is, I love my husband more than the lust, and a idea of new romance. If I were you, I think I would be honest with him and tell him that you feel like something is missing. If he brushes it off, then he may be taking you for granted. Instead, he should take your advise and start being more attentive to you, his wife and mother of his child. If he's not bothered by the conversation, he may be missing the sensitivity chip that a lot of men are missing. Life is short, get it in line, or get going.

You are right and it is your hormones talking!! Take a giant step forward and put a little more effort into your marriage. If your husband does not seem interested in the things that sparked an interest then it is up to you to be the aggressor. Put the sparkle in your eyes again! Men do get in a rut really easily but it does not mean the end of things. It is a little more of a challenge but it can be done. Talk to him and tell him about the fantasies that you want for the family. Get him excited again. Sex can usually get a man excited. Be sexy for him. Wait for him at the door, have a quickie in the closet, play some sexy board games, read a sexy book together. Find the pieces that have become buried from every day life. Remember, the other man is not around all the time and he would probably not be as fun if you were married to him.

The advice I got from several older couples when I got married is that the years when you have young children are really hard on a marriage and many of them didn't really like their spouses for about five years. But (now together over 40 years) there were other years that were wonderful for them and the feeling of home and security that they have for each other in their later years are well worth the years they had to push through. Many people don't share common interests with their spouses. You may find that you need to horse ride and go dancing with a girlfriend. Read "getting the love you want" -- it is a fantastic book for helping couples get past their differences (not religious at all and truly useful).

Same boat. I totally understand. Your husand is like mine: passive-aggressive, doesn't like to talke and in the past 16 mos since our baby was born has done little to none to help me with the baby and/or anything for our relationship. I say work on your marriage. Try EVERYTHING first. The pastures are never greener and you have a child now. I will work harder than ever now b/c I can't imagine not being w/my child 1/2 the time. In my experience and that of my friends who have been married 20 years, the men are not the ones that put real effort into the relationships. While you can't save a relationship all by yourself (it takes two), you CAN try to do all the things you can. Try a date night once a week or every two weeks to reconnect. You don't say what his hobbies are. Try doing something together that he likes as well (instead of the general dinner or movie) like golfing, hiking etc whatever his hobbies are. Ask for help when you need it, tell him calmly when you're not fighting that you need his support and tell him what that means: help w/the baby etc, thank him when he does give it to you, having sex (man's way of being close) seems to help, use "I feel" phrases so you don't sound like you're attacking, try to have a little fun together, laugh together whenever you can, my girlfriend always tells me to lighten up (still working on that one). Hang in there and good luck. I think things will most likely turn around. Marriage is a journey of ups and downs.

It is your hormones but in a good way. You have been mom 24/7, and if you work and have your son in daycare you still have to come home to your necessary things (dinner) feeding your son, bathing etc. It sounds to me like your husband has gotten himself into a comfort zone. Your not going to change him around overnight however, what you would like done, do it to him. Bring him home flowers/chocolates whatever with the "I love you" all over it. Run a bath for him just as you yourself would like. It will give him the chance of seeing what he's NOT doing for you and just may light a spark.
Your probably thinking is this woman crazy!! Sometimes when we do things that are out of the ordinary turns a light bulb on for you other half. Its just like a child, sometimes you have to use reverse physcology, and it normally will work. If this doesn't help then its time to sit down and have a heart to heart. Tell him how you feel hurt, that he isn't paying as much attention to you and you do everything for him. Marriage is a two way street. Don't stress yourself out, I'm sure you can conjure up some pretty neat things to get his attention and like I say reverse physcology. Good luck, we woman always seem to be put on the back burner at times after having a child, but don't think it will last forever. Take care, and no its not your hormones as much as it is his.

There is a wonderful Bible Study that deals with these issues--based on barbara wilson's books. Sexual Healing available at Bayside church in Roseville, ca. Her book is called Kiss Me Again and can be found at christian book stores.

You have to ask for what you want.

You have lots of heart felt answers here and I didn't read them all, just feel the need to add my two cents.
Unless you want your marriage to fail, RUN away from this other man, give him NO place in your thoughts. Turn your attentions you your husband - to what you love him for and put aside the other.
I know it doesn’t seem natural or “fair” that we as women have to do all the work, but we really do have the power to make our marriages happy or very miserable. We are the emotional ones, and we are driven by them.
I truly believe that if you purposefully look for something good in your husband everyday, concentrate on that and be thankful for it, this will help you change your focus from the annoyances to the positive. Then add to it - Ask yourself “What can I do today that will make life better for him today” and purpose to do that without expectation of any thing in return.
You’ll be amazed by how it feels to give, and by how he actually does start doing more for you. Unless of course he is like my husband, who needs a little bit of help as to what it is I need, in which case you need to tell him and be specific.
I truely believe if you are doing for him what he needs, then you may need to help him a little bit, but he will ABSOLUTELY fall all over himself to meet yours. Men are really very simple, give them respect and they will love(v.) you.
If you are a reader, try “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger or “The Love Dare” http://www.bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/.
If you can weather this storm, your marriage and your friendship with your husband will be stronger for it.
Best wishes to you.

Try to find some way to truly serve your husband. You're right that you can't change him. You can only change you. Try to find a way to consistently do something for him out of your way that really shows how much you love him. Don't do it with the expectation that he'll do something in return for you. Just do it because you still love him. Most of all, try to crowd out the thoughts of the other man. It will be best for all of you.

This is not about hubby, or how he feels for starters. You can't change him. You Love him enough to tolerate the things you dont like, or you get a divorce, but dont sit on the fence. It's not fair to hubby. Attractive men will come along and you will be tested again and again. Guess what? Women will do the same to him. Do you want to be with him or not. do NOT base this on some other guy. Base this on how you really feel about your husband. I've been married for 20 years. I've almost been divorced a few times, but when I left I realized something. I'm with him because I chose him and I want to be with him. For who he is. Not because of some sense of obligation or because I need him. We dont always see eye to eye, but I think that enriches our marriage.

On the other side, When I met my husband, he was already married to someone else. A few months later he got a divorce and we moved in together. 3 years later we were married. 20 years later, we have two sons, and a life I wouldn't trade for anything. My husband says there is someone out there for everyone. Some of us are lucky enough to find that person.

I like to use the 80 - 20 rule. Your husband proably has 80% (or more) of what you are looking for which is why you married him. This other guy probably has the other 20%. When I was dating I used to say "if only I could put the two of the together he would be perfect." Well, let's face it. We are not perfect either and there is proably 20% of us that our husbands wish were different. You have to simply ask yourself if giving up 80% of perfect to gain 20% is worth it. Anyway you slice it, 20 is not going to be better than 80. My adive would be to stop trying to find the other 20 and focus on the 80 you have. Maybe with a little work you could even make it 90...95 even.
Good luck!

I admire you for having the courage to explore your feelings and willing to do something about it. Many of us just keep struggling within ourselves. It is not possible or natural to love someone all the time. Sometimes, we are angry, sad, or have other negative feelings. And, your husband is not the cause of your unhappiness as you may think; it is the lack of your love for yourself. You are simply not aware of it. Good news is that you are becoming aware of what is going on between the two of you. This awareness is the first big positive step that you have already taken to make things better.

We are unhappy because we have unmet needs that we expect others to fulfill which they may not be able to even realize and besides they may have their own unmet needs, which they may not be able to express. We all have an image of each other and expect the other to fit that image. When we accept ourselves as we are and accept others as they are and then see which of our needs can we fulfill on our own by doing things that can make us happy and put us in a good mood and focus on things that bring the two of us together instead of what separates us from each other. It is very had to do but try to make an appreciation list about your husband.
After years of having unmet expectations and frustration, only now am I learning to meet my own needs and find ways to love myself more. Before, I tried to have my husband do things with me that he is not interested in such as ballroom dancing. Now, I take classes on my own with my girl friends and am having much more fun. I also do other things to pamper myself. I have figured out that no one is born for the other and that we do not complete each other but we are already complete and share our completeness with each other in a marriage. Once we stop trying to change the other person and explore what we can do to make ourselves happy, we become the role model for the other to contribute to happiness for both.

It is easy and natural to get attracted to another person whom we may think can fulfill our needs but what if tomorrow that person also can no longer do that or what if we find something that we dislike about another person. So it is not the other person ‘either ‘whom we think can make us happy.

I hope I made some sense. Keep on exploring yourself more and finding ways to do other things first that make you happy. Once you get to that level, and then think which person you really want to share your completeness with. Marriage is a great ordeal, no doubt about that. I am sure you will find your ground.

If you can make the time, I highly recommend you to read these books that really transformed me.
-How one of you can bring the two of you together and If we are so in love then why aren’t we happy by Susan Page (she is also a therapist based in Berkeley),
-Addicted to Unhappiness by Martha and William Piper
-The Secret Laws of Attraction by Talane Miedner
-The Dance of Connection by Harriet Learner(sp?)
Best,
-Rachna

You and your husband should talk to a marriage counsler.

This stands out to me:
"my passion is working and riding horses, country music and being romanced. my husband does not like the first two and after a year didn't really do the third. almost like he became too comfortable. "

I understand too comfortable, but...what are your *husband's* passions? And are you interested in his passions?
If he has to be involved in yours, you better make sure you are involved in his too.

How about planning a vacation with your husband ASAP.

Children always make marriage tougher, because it takes a way part of our identity and replaces it with "parent" (which ends up feeling like "exhausted servant" sometimes). It doesn't feel sexy.

From my perspective: my husband and I don't really have common activity/hobby passions. I'm fine with that. We have similar core values on the inside. Someone who met us might think we are a strange couple, but although our hobbies, habits, politics etc. may differ in many ways--- when we talk about important stuff (each other, family, marriage, child raising, etc) we are on the same page and have similar "standards". That means a lot to us!
I wonder if your husband lets things pass during an argument, because he is aware (In a general way) of your changing phases, moods, confusion and doesn't know how to react. Maybe he is afraid he will make things worse if he says something wrong?