Need More Romance from Husband

You said it all when you said, "he's a guy, not really into all that". Just because he is not doing romantic things for you does not mean he doesn't care about you. It just might not be his thing. You may need to be the one to take the lead in the romance department. Plan date nights or an overnight out without the kids. You may need to be the one to plan the romantic dinners and outings. My husband doesn't do all of the things I would like him to do, but I have learned that I can't make him do something that he would rather not do. It would be a forced attempt at best and not from his heart. I plan the events and tell him that all he has to do is to remember to be there.

Because men have different needs, and it's hard for them to see a bigger picture, they don't understand the need for romance. At least I think this is common in all men, I've only been married to one. Tell him that your need for romance is comparable to his need for sex, and the great thing about it is that when men are romantic women want sex more often! To ask him to take care of your needs you need to make sure you are taking care of his needs.
My husband and I had this problem when we were married about 4 years. When I said I wanted romance he somehow thought that I meant he needed to spend more money on me. Like buy me flowers every week or take me to nice restaurants, those are nice things but it wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I know it doesn't seem romantic but you have to tell him exactly what you expect. At first it seems to take the romance away, but if you realize that if he now knows what to do and is doing it to show his love for you, it makes it even more romantic.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and he gets it now, even better than before we were married!
There is a book that I thought was pretty good on this subject. It's called His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, JR. My husband wouldn't do the exercises with me, but I read it and told him which parts to read and we made some progress just from that.
Anyway, good luck!

You might like the book "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. It talks about meeting your spouse's needs with the right love language and they in turn meet yours. It will be helpful even if you read it by yourself and practice the principles.

I would definitely spend some time reading and then talking about love languages with your husband. Then once you know (better) what he appreciates, and give him a very clear expectation. I don't mean an expectation in a mean way, but it needs to be clear. Like instead of honey, I really love it when you write me little notes, but something more specific. I would say, Honey if you please will write me one note each week, even if it's on a post-it note and it's one phrase, that would mean as much to me as when you change the oil or build a snowman with the kids.

I've noticed that my husband and I are much happier when we are clear with our expectations with one another. Many times he doesn't have any idea what I want. If I want him to be romantic and sit by me I say honey, please come sit next to me (instead of sitting across the room) or I say will you please call me today instead of hoping he's going to call when he has absolutely no reason or intention of doing so, even though he "KNOWS" I like phone calls.

Yesterday my husband was frustrated because I spent all day working on a Christmas present for my family and that night he stated his frustrations, and I was trying to show him my work (ta-da!) and he didn't see it as amazing. If I had known his expectations I would have spent 10 minutes on the house and then 5 hours on my project and he would have loved it because his expectations were met, and his love language is visual- I do stuff like clean the house (which I hate) to show my admiration and affection for him.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll have success in your romance. Don't give up :)

Married with children.................... That says it all . There is really no quality time for all the things you used to do when there was no children. You have been quite busy making babies and you both may feel like you are stuck in a rutt. Work, work, and don't forget to pay the bills on time . Oh and a quickie here and there.
We have 4 kids (14, 10, 7, 4) married for 14 years and together a total of 17. It is hard to not take each other for granted.
I hint to my hubby all the time but unless i plan a date night it wont happen. I let him plan our anniversary one time and it was the movies and a motel. Does that say romance or sex????? Now when we go on a date we go to eat and then we are usually to full and tired to be romantic. Here is a funny story . Recently we went out to eat togethter and when we pulled into the driveway (quietly ) we were trying to make out--ha ha -- i looked up and saw the neighbor out on his porch watching us. (how rude) . Well it all came to a complete halt. When we got out of the van the neighbor asked if i could call their cell phone cuz they lost it in the house some where.

I suggest to plan out what you want. A NIGHT OUT A MOTEL/ HOTEL STAY AND IF IT IS AS SIMPLE AS ATAYING UP A LITTLE LATER WHEN THE KIDS ARE ASLEEP TO LIGHT THE CANDLES AND TAKE A BUBBLE BATH TOGETHER . OR TO EVEN EAT DINNER ALL ALONE. RIGHT BEFORE YOU HUBBY COMES HOME .. HAVE THE KIDS BUSY DOING A CRAFT (STRINGING FRUIT LOOPS ON A STRING) WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE (VERY LOUDLY ) THEN AS HE COMES HOME WISK HIM INTO THE BEDROOM AND RIP HIS CLOTHS OFF AND HAVE A QUICKIE. WELL I HOPE SOME OF THIS HELPS. (ACTUALLY I NEED TO TAKE SOME OF THIS ADVICE) HA HA
GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS I HOPE THIS WILL HELP.
LOOK FOR THE POSITIVE IN EVERYTHING..

Ah, girlfriend, don't despair about your hubby's lack of romance and passion. Having no personal glimpse into your life, would guess your man has "adjusted" into being a responsible husband and father. He may no longer see the need to be romantic and passionate. You are supposed to see how much he loves you by the way he provides for you.
Being married, myself, to a man with no social skills, not a romantic bone in his body who had a penchant for saying absolutely the wrong thing,(good heart, hard worker, honest and no doubt he loves me) I've tried quite a number of solutions to get him to respond to my need for a little bit of romance and passion. Like you, nothing huge, nothing outlandish, just a little bit here and there.
Most men need to be schooled in the art of romance. It's not romantic being the teacher, but does eventually pay off. It takes repetition and patience. The first rule for you is to NEVER say anything negative about your own body or appearance. If what he hears from you is your worries about crow's feet, poochy belly, sagging this and that, you are conditioning him to see you in that light. Men do not know they are supposed to tell us we look fabulous when we constantly criticize ourselves. You must condition him to see you as the most beautiful and sexy girl in the world.
For instance, you haven't done anything to your hair yet, he's about to go out the door to work, the baby is fussy, the other two are up early and whining about their cereal being soggy. What does your husband see? Change his perspective. Be casual and sexy(I know that would be tough, here, but you can do it) in your "come hither" voice tell him your hair looks like you just finished having wild sex, sure would make for a cheerier morning if you had. Blow him a little kiss, run your hand through your hair and say maybe tomorrow........Then, go right back to mommy mode and deal with the early morning kid stuff. He may not act on this right away, but guarantee he won't forget it.
Point out to him how great your butt looks in those jeans, I don't care how you really think you look. Lean in close and tell him how great your freshly shampooed hair smells. Shower after the kids have gone to bed and walk in the living room wrapped in your towel with your body lotion, hike a leg and tell him you need help putting lotion on your legs. Be a little insistent, if necessary and don't get crabby if he's hesitant.
Make a list of phrases that you would like to hear and give it to him. Mark a day on the calendar each week that he has to say one of these to you. Don't laugh when he says it wrong, don't grump if he says it in monotone with a pained look on his face. This is hard for him. Reward the effort. Hug, kiss, flash him. Tell him that's a good start, a little more emotion next time, please. Getting the idea????
If you are of the opinion that it's amazing what's hidden under that housecoat, or sweats, convey that to him, pretty soon, he'll think that all the time. If you are of the opinion that it's life's great gift to be good wife to him, great mom to your kids and still the girl of his dreams and convey that to him, he'll be thinking that all the time.
You also must keep reality. You are at home, have loads of time to think of him. He's at work and has to focus on work. Leave off the calls to his workplace to tell him you are thinking of him. Those are usually counterproductive. Most men need some space and the workplace is not a space we should invade. Instead, tell him when he gets home that you thought of him a hundred times through the day. You envisioned him handling whatever tasks are involved with his job. How happy it makes you that he can go from being tough guy/ business man to great dad/sexy man. He may be feeling you are calling him for self affirmation. Take that burden off him.
As much as we may hate it, we have to tell them what we need. We do have to school them, we do have to be properly vocal and repetitive and reward all their efforts. And be PATIENT. It's tough for a man to really realize they "ain't all that" in the romance department. You have to make it a challenge they can live up to. Present it as you are realizing the full potential of your body and mind and the rewards and pleasures contained within.
Hope this helps. Good luck.

My man is the same way. I just realized that I will be old and gray by the time he plans romantic evenings, getaways, dinner alone without kids, etc. He needs a little hlep with the plan.... It is romantic for me just to get away on a sunday morning and go somewhere for Brunch or lunch somwhere out of our zipcode. So I plan for my mom to take the kids (or his mom) and we take off for half the day. He didn't have to be romantic but became talkative and lovey after spending the much needed alone time...even if it wasn't a candlelight dinner, or spotaneous ramantic evening. I realized that it is up to me to plan the date if I want him to take me on a date. I may even get a new blouse for the occassion. He wont ever grab my hand while walking into or out of a restaurant but now I grab his hand and he gives it a nice squeeze with a sweet smile. I am reluctant many times to do these things because I feel like I deserve to be pampered or swept off my feet... Many romantic things have came out of my planning and now I know he does have a little romance in him without actually making him or asking him, it just happens.

Try reading the 5 languages of Love. It will teach you how he might need love shown to him and what kind of love you need in return. They will not be the same. Watch how he shows you love and I'll bet that is how he would loike love shown to him. In return you will reap the benefits of love from him.. If you read the book together or even just take the test in the back of the book..... you could really improve your relationship. If your husband is like mine... and he wouldn't read the book.... then read it yourself and tell him about what you discovered about yourself. A solid relationship is not conly love... but communication and trust. Try it.. it couldn't hurt. With three kiddos... you tend to lose yourself in the process.... work on that as well. Good luck!

My husband and I send each other sexy text messages sometimes, when he is at work, and it really helps to spice things up when he gets home. You could try that. Or maybe surprise your husband--get a friend or family member to take the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and when he gets home, it's just you and the fancy dinner, dimmed lights, etc. Good luck!

When you are married, romance changes. In the beginning, he was trying to win you over with gifts, flowers, maybe a romantic night out, etc., and it worked to get you to marry him. As you said, he's a guy, and he probably doesn't feel like he NEEDS to do that stuff anymore to keep you. But, I bet he does things just about every day that he would think is romantic for you. Here are some things that my husband does that most women would just expect their husbands to do or think aren't romantic, but I choose to look at it differently, and it keeps me very attracted to him. I make sure to thank him and tell him how sweet it was, and that keeps him doing things just to make me happy or to help me. Ok, the most recent thing he did...yesterday it started snowing when we went out running errands. I left my car outside and when we got back he brushed all the snow off of it before I pulled it into the garage. Now, he could have been irritated at me for leaving the car out and just expected me to clean the snow off myself, but instead he took that opportunity to be romantic by doing it for me. Another example of my husband being romantic is the other night when I was totally stressing out over everything that needed to be done, he gave me a big hug then fixed me a beer. Now, most women wouldn't find that romantic, but he was clued into how much I needed a hug, and he knew that a beer would calm my nerves. He could have gotten bent out of shape at my attitude, but he diffused me with his idea of romance, and it worked. The guy gets up every weekday at 4:30 to go to work at a job he doesn't LOVE so that I can be a SAHM. My way of being romantic to him every morning is that I get up while he is in the shower and make his lunch and occasionally leave a sweet or funny note for him to read. He loves it when I do that, and always saves the note and thanks me for it when he gets home. I know every day he is thinking about me at lunchtime, and that is romantic. Today was a very romantic day for us. We had quite a bit of snowfall, and he woke up thinking about all of the shoveling he needed to do. I could have just let him go out there and do it all by himself, but I decided to be romantic and help him shovel the driveway, the deck and sidewalk. Then we both shoveled the neighbors driveways and sidewalks together. Now, my husband doesn't normally do that, so I was very turned on by his kindness for our neighbors. I kept thinking that I have such a good man. After we were finished, my husband got the kids bundled up in their snow gear (very romantic because I didn't have to do it) and we headed outside. He had tied a rope to their snow board sled, gave me one end of the rope and he took the other, and together we pulled our kids around the neighborhood. We all had a blast! So, you see, romance isn't about things or words, it's about what we do for each other to help each other or make each other happy. I completely agree with Pam L. You should read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" then read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." You have to understand that you didn't marry a girl. Men don't talk about their feelings like we do, and he is probably sick of hearing you nag that you want him to. Look for romance in the simple little things he does daily. I bet he is a lot more romantic than you think.

I just read a book called Love and Respect. It talks about a woman's need for love and a man's need for respect. It said a man would rather have notes about how much his wife respects him, appreciates what he does, etc. than love notes. The author found when men feel respected, they show more love to their wives. (This is not to imply you haven't done that.) Apparently the more we respect our husbands for who they are, their strenghts, etc. the easier it is for them to show us love. I'm just trying it out and my husband has responded well so far... I thought I'd pass it along. I think most of us feel this way at different points in our marriages.

Make sure you understand what your own definition of romance is. My husband - NOT romantic. He comes home on Valentine's Day or our anniversary and says "I guess I should go get you something" - be still my beating heart!! So, whatever my idea of romance was, it died a long time ago. Now, before you feel sorry for me or anything let me tell you that my husband is romantic - in his own way.

What romance means to me is that he has thought of me; of my likes and dislikes; what makes me happy. And, honestly it's silly little things. Seriously, I've cried over the fact that when he went to th grocery store, he brought me my favorite candy bar. I didn't ask, but he thought of me. I know that is small and seemingly unimportant - but it is HUGE for a guy like mine.

I am in no way saying you should "settle" for any small gestures he gives. But, before you go telling him what romance is for you just make sure YOU know what it is for you. If you know it's easier for you to explain to him what you need, and easier for his boy brain to wrap around what you're saying.

Don't give up - but know that it will involve some work on your part, too. I know that sounds like a romance drain, but the results will be worth it! Who knows, you might get a candy bar, too!!

I suggest you read a book by Dr. Laura called "The proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and also there's one "...of Marriage". This may explain how different husbands and wives communicate, but it gives amazing solutions to your "need for more romance" It actually starts with you, and what YOU can control. It's interesting...check 'em out!

I haven't had time to read the other responses, but this is what I did. (It worked great for me!) First of all, you need to remember men are very visual. We women love all the "romantic" things. But in order for you to get him to respond to you romantically, you need to help him out visually. Go to Victoria Secret and buy some sexy undies. It doesn't have to be lingerie, just new, sexy undies. (No nude colors. Men usually don't like nude or white.) Then sleep in those. If a bra is uncomfortable to you, just sleep in bottoms. Don't push sex. Even resist him if he tries. (Playing hard to get but not so much that it irritates him.) Ater a few nights of that he will be begging you. You may be surprised how this may carry over in to him wanting to do romantic things later for you.

I'm not sure if that is the type of answer you were expecting, but maybe it will help. Good luck. :-)

I'd say stop pressuring him. I know, I know... but I found the more you push, the more they push back in the opposite direction. and, Iknow you will hate hearing it but if you want more, you have to put out more. I finally said honey, I am doing my best effort to find a good time for you (we have different schedules) to inniate sex. You just have to be willing to take it then. that went on for a couple of weeks, once a week, planned out like that. Then I said: now you are "getting it" reguarly, you are just going to have to try harder on the other things to make me want to stay with this concept. so it it s sort of a carrot and rabbit thing. I give you this, you give me that.