Could You Forgive and Understand Why an Older Sibling Killed the Younger One?

Good Lord... My 1st instinct would be to grab my daughter and hold her tight. That poor girl is likely as devistated, if not moreso... Because she sees this as her fault. And mom isn't helping that thought process.

My kids are 8 and 3. Older being a girl and younger being a boy. I'm a bit choked up myself. But as an accident, I could NEVER place blame. I would be there with my daughter, sobbing with her, going over memories, talking, and yes... There needs to be grief counseling for everyone.

Wow, I am so sorry, what an awful situation. That Momma is in shock, she can't really be held responsible for her actions at this point. Don't know what I'd do in the first few days of a tragedy like this. I know in the long run I'd pull that little girl very close to me and show her in every way I could that this was and accident and there is no blame in accidents, period.
Coulda, shoulda, woulda is a game we can all play but the truth is we all do things that can result in tragedy because we are human. That little girl is her daughter and I'm willing to bet when she has a little time to digest this the same person who "caused" this tragedy will be the one that helps her Momma overcome it. I will be thinking of this poor family with love.

It was an accident.
Sometimes terrible things happen and no one is to blame.
The 5 yr old didn't deliberately harm her little brother.
She must feel horrible and really need comforting and her Mama won't go near her.
It's only a monkey on her back if people blame her for it.
Being only 5, she has a real chance of growing up to not remember most of it - which might be a kindness.
There have been cases where a gun was not stored properly and kids found it and siblings shoot each other - it's NOT the kids fault.
Counseling all around for a long time would be a good thing.
Her elder child is still her baby and needs her Mama.
I hope her mother can come to terms with her grief.

What a terrible, tragic loss. I lost my 5 year old daughter 4 months ago in an accident that was caused by a woman who did a really dumb thing. I can't say that I will forgive her anytime soon but I know that I will someday. I think if my other child had caused her death, I would be able to forgive her sooner but you just can't understand how you would feel unless you are in that situation. As for what to say to the parents, please reach out to her at some point to say that you love her and that you care and that you will remember her son always. Let them know you will be thinking about them. Send "Thinking of you" cards every once in a while. There's really nothing you can do or say to make her feel better, but it's good to know that people won't forget. Don't be afraid to make her cry - she'll be on the verge of tears anyway for a long time. They'll be in deep pain for a really, really, long time. Keep reaching out from time to time after the funeral as that's when they'll start to feel like people are going back to "business as usual" and they'll think everyone's forgotten them. There really are no words you can say just - just I love you, I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm praying for you.

Are you kidding me? It's one thing if the five year old stabbed, shot, or purposely hit the little one, but an accident? That child must be feeling horrible, and it's not the time to be mad at them! The hardest thing about being a parent is putting aside our own feelings to help our children. This little girl has the potential to grow up feeling like a bad person, she doesn't need the added burden of the person she loves most punishing her for it. They need to stick together and think of the child they still have so she has a chance to deal with what happened and not blame herself for the rest of her life! The little girl needs to be able to express her feelings and probably go to counseling for life to deal with those feelings. The parents need to grieve appropriately and teach her it's okay to grieve too without any blame or fault.

I this case, absolutely YES. It was an accident, through and through. My instinct as a parent would be to grab the sibling who threw the rock, and hug them and tell them that I love them. I understand the mother being distraught, but the horror of what that 5 year old is feeling makes me sick to my stomach, especially since she needs the security of her mom's love MORE THAN EVER.

Have you ever heard the story of Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman? Their son accidentally ran over their 5 year old daughter in the driveway of their home. As the parents were leaving to follow the ambulance to the hospital (where their daughter was declared dead), the dad, Steven, yelled out the window, "Will Franklin, your father LOVES you!" That story gives me chills, because those parents knew not to place blame or bitterness on their son who had NO idea that his little sister would run out in front of the car that day.

My heart breaks for your friend. I can't imagine her loss. I hope that soon she is able to treat her daughter with unconditional love once again.

Mabey someday you can recommend the book "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman, in regards to the story that I mentioned above.

This is a devastating story, such a tragedy. But it was an accident. A terrible, terrible accident, but nonetheless, it was not intentional for the 5 year old to drop the rock on her brother. It is still so very, very early. The mom's first reaction was anger at her daughter for doing this, which is completely understandable. She will, in time, forgive her daughter. Right now just offer your presence if it's needed, and your support. The little girl needs to know that what she did was an accident, that's very important, and not grow up feeling like she "murdered" her brother. The mom should be separated from the daughter until things calm down.

What a sad and heart breaking story. I'm so so sorry to hear this.

Thats completely awful.........of course i would forgive my child, she would be needing that more than anything for the rest of her life.

how very unfortunate

oh my god that is so sad, I have 3 babies - 1 5 yo 1 4 yo and a 7 month old. Please please please make that mama comfort her 5 yo - she is still a baby. it is an awful awful accident. I've heard of horrible stories, like a 17 yo brother accidentally running over the 5 yo sister in the driveway and killing her...the family forgave him faster than he could forgive himself. Do your best to help her not let the tragedy become worse...

in this case, yes, I would forgive instantly!! It was a tragic accident and she needs to be fully loved and accepted to be sure this does not change who she is inside. If she had done it with malice and forethought that would be a different story.

I wanted to add that they need to get the child and the whole family help and safe place to talk about her feelings. When I was a child a good friend of mine was accidentally shot by his brother. The mothers depression consumed her and she could not find it in herself to keep being there, to love the child like he needed. The father drank until he was numb. The boy, who was only 6, by the age of 8 was doing drugs. He barley reached adult hood before a life of addiction and depression lead him to suicide. With out help, a tragic like this can tear a family apart. They will be in my prayers.

I AM SO SORRY! How tragic! I think you treat it just like any other death -- you offer condolences and then don't mention it, unless they bring it up.

I feel that she will be able to eventually accept. I cannot imagine the pain, though.

We had a family in our previous school whose kids were jet-skiing with another group of families. One of the guys fell off his jet-ski & another girl ran right over him! No way it could've been avoided. He died. So very sad.

These are the kinds of accidents (kids with rocks/doing stuff that's risky) that I always tried to shield my daughter from & other kids too....but I have been viewed as "overprotective"...I mean, I wouldn't judge at all, especially in this case (!) but I am sometimes "pooh-poohed" for trying to prevent similar incidents (e.g. bowling balls over the head!)...

So very sorry about this -- it is tragic.

This is such a horrible, horrible tragedy that I don't really even know what to say. I really hope that the mother can get over her grief and shock enough to see how much her young daughter needs her right now. The thought of what that little girl must be feeling, to be rejected by her mother, when she needs her most, is just bringing tears to my eyes. I'm sure it is easy for all of us to sit here and say the mother should embrace that child! but we don't really know how we will react in such a horrible situation. I can only promise to pray for that whole family's healing. I don't even know this family and I'm just depressed right now. I hope that you're OK and that you'll be able to share strength and insight when needed. Blessings to you all.

We have friends of the family that had a tragic accident forever change their lives. The teen son and father were hinting and the son accidently shot off the rifle when he was placing it in the
truck. The father was forever paralyzed and altered. He died only a few years later. No one blamed the son. The father promised he knew it was an accident and begged his son not to ever feel guilty. The son is a good person he now has his own teens and has a close relationship with his entire family. They are strong in their faith. That is what has hoped them. I cannot imagine if this were to happen to me if I could be so gracious
you are a good friend just be there for them.

The sister was just being a kid and doing what kids do....and on top of that it was an accident. So I don't think forgiving is in order here. Nothing to forgive. Horrible tragedy...I just hope when all is said and done...that everytime the sister is doing something she shouldn't be doing...the mom doesn't say..."remember what happened to your brother from you doing something you shouldn't." I hope she isn't reminded of it the rest of her life. And RIP little guy...you were loved.

I am so sorry! My prayers go out to everyone this little guy has touched in his life.

Right now as others have said, the sister needs to go somewhere with someone who can be there for her. I can't imagine what is going on through her poor little mind and heart!

They will have to get counseling. The mom I think is going to go through more than she will be able to handle on her own. Right now she is in shock ( understandably!) She is going to have so much grief and I think she is going to also have alot of regret... on how she is dealing with her daughter now, if she could have been closer to help her daughter etc etc on the what if's that she had no control over.

My heart goes out to everyone that has lost a child in thier family. It opens the rest of our eyes and makes us even more thankful for what we have. Yes I would forgive right away and I hold the siblings so tight and let them know how much I love them all the time!

Oh my. I don't even know what to say, I have no advice. Only prayers. I'm so, so sorry for them.

How horrible and so heart wrenching. My thoughts and prayers go out to them. I can not imagine. I agree with the others are saying so I won't add anymore to it here. I just wanted to express my sympathies to them, to you and to Angela. Life is so precious and this is just another sad example of how fragile life is as well.

How sad, how devastating for the whole family and especially for the little one who accidentally caused this and the little one who passed away. It is horrendous. I feel so sad even when I never met them. It was an accident totally an accident and they will need LOTS of help to overcome the pain, the sorrow, the anguish, the anger. OMG I am so sorry for them and for those who have been through a similar painful experience. I think you just have to express your sympathy and let this mom knows that you are really there for her.Send her flowers, go to grocery store for her, cook for her, call her but keep in mind that she will need to be alone too and cry; let her cry with you and hug her. She will need lots of help with her 5 year-old daughter, the kid will go through a painful process since in her mind she will see things different and she will blame herself in a near future for what has happened.These wounds will not heal promptly, and mom and daughter will need assistance from professionals and the love and caring from friends and relatives. I am such in a shock by just reading this. Prayers and blessings for this family, and blessings for yourself.

Oh my goodness, I'm tearing up at my computer that is so horribly sad and unfair. I'm so very, very sorry to hear that. For me, personally, of course it was not the little girl's fault and although I would be unbelievably distraught, I would hunker down and shower my daughter with love and forgiveness right now. Can you even imagine what this little child is feeling right now?! And she has to live with this for the rest of her life. She needs more love and understanding and forgiveness than anyone else in this horrible tragedy. Uggh, I just had to close my office door. I'll keep this family in my prayers, for sure.

Added: Oh, Angela, I just read your post and I am truly so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I just want to send you a big hug right now. You are in my prayers.

This is so sad..... I hope the family gets some much needed counseling to get through all of this. My heart and prayers go out to all involved.

One thing to point out, as others have, also..... You asked if you could understand "why" an older sibling killed a younger sibling.

The word "Why" implies intent.... even if it were an impulsive act...

This, as so many others have pointed out, was just an accident.... there is no "why" ..... the kids were playing, M. was less than 2' from the boy, and a terrible, terrible tragedy occurred.... I truly hope and pray that they can somehow get through all of this and not let it destroy them all.

OH MY GOD. This is absolutely horrible and a parents worst nightmare. It is not like the girl did it on purpose. She was trying to stop herself from falling and getting hurt, only to hurt her brother instead. I am just invisioning her and how she is feeling about what happened and then not having the love of her mamma. This is a tragedy all around that poor family. My heart goes out to them.

If it were an accident I would be able to forgive there is nothing to understand unless it was done intentionally. Might be hard to understand why but not why your child did it. It would be really hard and Im sure I would have some difficult feelings but accidents do happen and I would have to realize that the child will need protection growing up. I grieve for the family as this has got to be the hardest situation.

That is so sad. She will need much grief counseling for some time before she is able to deal with this. I would make sure that they have all the support they can. Many people just can't get past it and would not do well with the child at all for a very long time. The family members need to take this child and make sure she is cared for and the mom is not alone with her, she is not in her right mind with the pain, she will not be able to do this for some time. That poor little girl will someday forget and not have it as a memory perhaps.

Well, I would gather a group of friends and go remove each and every one of those landscaping rocks and replace it with a less dangerous alternative. As a parent, I would never, could never blame my child for an accident when I feel it is my job as a parent to be as much as an accident preventer/minimizer as humanly possible. I have an autistic four year old and twin one year olds and I am on hyper alert all the time for fear that my son does not understand how delicate his sisters are, and I know I could never forgive myself for anything that happened.

I am so sorry and I am saying prayers for the family and especially that little girl who will need all the help she can get. While she is young she will never forget this, it is a tragic event and unless her mind can block it out it is too big to forget.

I lost my 22 year old son 17 months ago and I can tell you that I didn't behave at all what I always thought I would if I ever lost a child. There is no "normal" when grieving for your child. My son probably would have survived the accident if he had buckled in. My husband never buckles in and of course kids follow the bad leads instead of the good ones. I find myself blaming my husbands lack of being a good example for Jordan's death at times. I know that isn't fair and I never tell him that but it does slip in my mind at times. That is how grief works. I hope the grandmother has taken the daughter and is giving her the support that she needs right now.

You asked for encouragement or advice you can give to the parents, the answer is none. Don't go there giving encouragement and advice, go there and give them memories you have of their child, tell them you are sorry and let them talk about their child. So many times we grieving parents, hear "they are in a better place" or " time will heal this" We don't want to hear that there is a better place for our children then with us, no matter how great of faith we have. We also know time will not heal this, nothing will. Time only gives us a chance to get use to our new life but the heart is always broken. Know that perhaps they will cry when they hear their child's name and that is ok. It is better to mention our child and their eyes tear up then to avoid talking about their child and they think it is because he didn't matter to you. I agree with sending thinking of you cards. It means a lot to us parents to know that someone is remembering our child and our feelings of grief. Don't say "You are very strong, I don't think I could survive something like this" even though you are thinking it. We know strength is only how well you hide your grief. You do not treat them as if nothing happened. Their lives fell apart and will never be the same. I remember 3 days after losing my son I went to Walmart, it was especially hard because it was also what would have been his 23rd birthday. I would meet people who know me and they would look away and I would be hurt and angry. I would see people who knew me and come hug me and say "I am so sorry" and I would be hurt and upset that I would end up crying in Walmart of all places. Then there were those who were out shopping and having a good time laughing and joking around and these made me the most upset. I would think "Why are you laughing.. don't you know my world has just ended!" Of course they didn't know me and couldn't know my situation and that is how unreasonable grief is. Encourage the parents to find a good grief support group. Compassionate Friends is a well known support group made up of parents who have lost a child. This kind of support is very important to parents who lost a child. No one knows what we are going through then someone else who has gone through it. They could only imagine what they would do in our shoes and it really isn't what you think you would do. I was sure if I lost a child like my friends did that I would lay in bed in the dark and never stop crying. What happened is I became the strength for the family. I am the one who helped my daughter in law and 3 year old granddaughter accept their loss too. I am the one who planned the funeral, picked out what he was to wear and explain death to his daughter. My friend who had lost a son 7 years before was there for me and my family and I will always be greatful to her, she is one of God's angels on earth. What surprised me is it took months for me to cry tears. I would cry a lot but never had a tear until the shock wore off. So never assume with the parents.

Anyway, I hope this helped some. Bless you and their family. I will keep you all in my prayers.

slightly different situation but I have a friend whereby the father was a driving a car and with him were his two small daughters. The youngest child threw her bottle and dad went and reached for it (while the vehicle was moving) and ended up crossing over the divide and hitting a tree.. the youngest child died suddenly and the eldest did survive , however has to learn to walk all over again.. she was deemed paralyzed , but is making a remarkable recovery. The dad of course has much guilt, which leads me to this.. it's the mom (who wasn't in the car) is having a difficult time forgiving her husband.. they are working on it, but it's tough to forgive the loss of a child, even if just a mere accident.. They are doing the best they can. I think until something like this happens to a person, you never really know how you will react.. sometimes, the mind/emotions take over and take you to a place you never thought you'd be....

my prayers to your friend..

OMG I'm so sorry.. I'm practically in tears reading this.. What a HORRIBLE tragedy! I will pray for them :0)

This is horrible! To answer your question...I just don't know. I am sure the 5yr old is also tramatized especially since it was truly an accident. She will surely need the love and support of her parents. Accident or not, I believe the 5yr old and the parents are each going to need counseling...individually and together.

This is astonishingly sad. My heart goes out to the family and that poor little girl. She will never forget this. She needs to be put into counseling immediately. She may need to go stay with Grandma or someone else for awhile until Mom can accept that it was an accident. I will keep them in my prayers.

I know of a family who lost their 8 yr old daughter in a car accident. The daughter and her grandmother were in the back seat, and the girl had removed her seat belt so that she could stretch out and lay with her head on grandma's lap for a nap. The daughter was thrown from the car in the accident and was killed instantly and was the only person injured in the accident. Instead of the family placing blame for the fact that the girl wasn't wearing a seat belt, they came to the conclusion that God reached into the car and took that little girl for His own inscrutable purposes. (I don't know if I would have arrived at any kind of similar conclusion in that situation...)

The circumstances surrounding the accident you are describing are highly unusual. Everything had to occur exactly as it did to have such an outcome; if there was even a minuscule change in the angle of the hill or the shape of the stone or the positions and activities of the children, even if the little girl had stepped on a stone or ant hill to change her balance ever so slightly, the outcome would have been different.

I think this is a clear example of how things can happen that are completely out of human control. Whether it is because God stepped in (if that's what you believe), or fate, or whatever, it is clear that no one in the family can be held accountable for this situation.

My heart goes out to the family.

My prayers go out to the family. What a horrible, heartbreaking accident. I feel it is unfair to say that the sister killed her little brother, however. If I were the mom I wouldn't want my daughter to grow up blaming herself or feeling that I hated her for what happened. God knows it would be very hard to get past the loss, but the other child is 5 and accidents happen. If there had been malice involved that would be a different story. I just hope that the mom can find forgiveness and acceptance in her heart and love her daughter just the same or more than before. We have to cherish what we do have, because it can be taken away in an instant.

Oh God. This was a horrible horrible accident. I have no clue how I'd react, frankly.

And to parents who think they can stop everything by being hyper-alert...or blame those who aren't, you just never know. My son was starting to walk and came towards me and fell *through* my arms and sliced his face open on the corner of the iron chair in which I sat. He just needed stitches, but he was in my arms, essentially, and still was injured. Things just happen too quickly to stop them I just don't want people to feel more responsible when accidents happen and they were not hyper-alert. We can try to avert things, but sometimes bad things happen regardless of what we try to do.

There, but by the Grace of God, go any of us.

MartyMomma -
First thing you should try to keep in mind (and the mom needs to see as well) is that grief is not rational. It's emotional. It hurts and when it's a sudden, accidental death it can take years to recover. When my parents were in a car accident and my dad died they told us they thought my mom was driving but they weren't sure -- I had a feeling overcome me that it did not matter - it was an accident and that's that. That was unusual for me since I generally dig into any and everything to get to the bottom of it! I took that as an extreme blessing that I was able to let it go and move on....I'm hoping your friend will come to the same place. I hope they seek counseling immediately and someone talks to the older child and lets them vent their grief and remind them it was an accident...death can pull even the strongest family apart and they'll need all the support they can get. Call and check in often - just so they know you care and there is someone thinking of them....even if you're the 100th person to call - some days you could be the only one and you could be the shoulder that saves them from complete breakdown.

That is absolutely heart breaking and tragic. I can only imagine that Mother's pain and the grief from the family... Sadly, the little girl only knows she did something bad, and that Mommy doesn't seem to love her anymore - but truthfully, I'd probably have the same reaction.

I've caught my 6 y/o daughter slapping, shaking, etc the baby (3 months now) and I've truthfully told her that if she were to hurt the baby, even as an accident... I would have to send her away to live with someone else until I could forgive her, and I didn't know how long that would be. She started crying and we talked about how she has to be very careful around the baby. I had brought this up because of the slew of news reports of older siblings beating or otherwise harming and killing a younger sibling.

My thoughts and prayers are with the family and everyone around them.

Updated

My thoughts and prayers are with the family and everyone around them.

I don't think anyone can really truly understand what someone else is going through, esp in a horrible tragedy. But all I can think about is that poor FIVE year old child, that doesn't have the support that she needs that only a mother can give. I hope the mother understands soon that if she couldn't prevent this from happening while only being 2feet away that there was no way that her daughter could have prevented it from happening. There was no malice in this, so I understand the process of working through your emotions but she should really be there for this poor little girl that will also live with this for the rest of her life. It's so sad. I wish them all peace.