Seeking Help on How to Cope W/my Son's Death

I am so deeply sorry to hear this. I truly hope you have joined a grief counseling group, or probably one on one counseling. When my friend's husband died unexpectedly, she was left with 4 young children. She said the only way she could cope was to serve others. She seriously spent time baking cookies and delivering it to be neighbors, volunteering in community services... I think it helped her to be able to help others and visit with people.

Perhaps, you can make little albums of his life for his two young children? It can help you feel productive and like you are passing memories on to his little sweethearts here who need their grandma's attention.

I don't know if you have any beliefs on the afterlife, but in my beliefs, we believe that families will be reunited again, and that they are there watching out for us. That comfort brings me peace when I miss my dad, who passed away when I was in my early 20's.

http://mormon.org/plan-of-happiness/#when-bad-things-happen

My heart goes out to YOU!

My Aunt made a Facebook page for her Granddaughter that died suddenly at the same age. She posts on it regularly and it is very cathartic for her.

Please see a grief professional if you need to!

Everyone takes their own time to grieve. I lost my brother a year ago and still cant take his phone # out of my phone.I lost a baby at birth and it took years to heal. It just takes time.

S., I am so sorry for this terrible death of your son. My stepmothers daughter was killed 5 years ago when her daughter was 19 in a terrible accident (the death itself was heartbreaking). My SM has been in therapy for all of these years. I saw her last night and she was glowing. I always see the hurt and loss in her, but I am now starting to see her begin to enjoy life with less guilt.

I like to say she is full of grace. She was so devastated for the first 3years, she was almost like a zombie. There were days she cried nonstop for 24 hours. She just wanted to die so she could be with her girl. We all had to remind her that her daughter would want her to go on with life and not cut it short. We also told her we wanted her to stay with us. She was too important and now carried an important message and purpose in her life. She needed to be here to tell her daughters story.

She is still on antidepressants and she just this last month found out her blood pressure is low enough she no longer needs blood pressure meds! This is a huge step for her, She still sees her therapist at least once a week. She married my father last year and makes him happy and he loves to spoil her. She is now looking for a new job and is actually enjoying the process.

I am telling you all of this to let you know, of all of us, you deserve to be heartbroken, mad, upset, lonely, but you have a purpose.. you now actually have 3.. One is to tell your sons story and memories and the other to is to love and be there for your grandchildren. You are one of their lifelines to their father.

Mourn, weep, scream, be whatever you feel, but know that you are not alone. Ask for help. People will be honored to be asked to help. Seek professional help. You cannot and should not think it is a weakness to get whatever type of help you need. Your son would want was best for you.

I am sending you some peace and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Are you in a support group? It really can help to connect with others who really understand your pain.

We were helped by a support group called Compassionate Friends. It is a different level of grief when a child dies and you will need some kind of guidance in the first 2-3 years of coping. My friend who lost a child to illness was helped through therapy, which I would really recommend if you can afford it. I would recommend a church support group, but you will encounter people who have lost a relative or spouse and it is just not the same. This support group is for parents and is free. I hope this helps you:
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

Dear S.,

I am deeply sorry for such a tragic loss and it sounds like you are drowning in grief. i'm not sure what your financial situaiton is or what is available in your area, but i would encourage you to find a group with others who have experienced similar losses. You will find it very healing to share your story, your pain, and be heard. The grief you are experiencing is overwhelming and a good mental health professional can help you work through all the layers of pain and help you find a place of healing in your heart, so that you can, truly, "wake up" as you say, from such a horrible dream.

Good for you for reaching out here...

My dear S.,
Bless your heart, my heart goes out to you. Our daughter died over 30 years ago, she was sick & I know it has to be worse to have your son murdered.

Things will get better, but it's gong to take a lot longer than 7 months, tho it will slowly get better, you will never get completely over losing him, it will get easier, those two babies should be a lot of help, just keep busy, when you feel like it, you can do volunteer work, do light reading, just to keep your mind busy. I will keep you in my prayers.

My younger brother was murdered 9 years ago soon after his 22nd birthday. My father died months later. I do not know your pain as a mother, but, boy, I know that loss. I am so sorry.

My mother talked and talked and did whatever she felt like doing. She read and started saying just whatever was on her mind. I don't know if she joined an official support group, but she did get therapy and talked to others. We wish that we had some piece of him to hug and love on and watch grow.

Unfortunately, that hurt does not go away. I still have moments when I can't move because it hurts so much. All I can do is cry and try to release it all from my body. I am tearing up now writing to you. I don't know what you believe spiritually, but try to find some reconciliation and peace in that. Don't be afraid or uncomfortable to feel and express anger. I'll certainly pray for your love and peace, for your shattered heart and soul. I'm sure that you've heard that it gets better over time. Well, it doesn't get better, but it does become part of your reality and it gets less unbearable. I keep up with the anniversary, and it feels so unfair and just wrong that the world has the nerve to keep on turning when all I want is to stop it and catch up. I just want the world to pause for a moment so I can process this blow.

Don't let anyone else dictate your healing. At this point, you don't even want to heal, but I promise that you will be able to smile again, if you want to. It's not the same, but my mother has a son-in-law, now, whom she calls son. She has remarried, and her husband talks about my father like my father is his hero, and he lets her talk about him and cry, etc. My husband noted at their wedding that this was his first time seeing this kind of light in her eyes.

Don't give up. Cry. Curse. Laugh. Scream. Hit (inanimate objects). Kick. Roll up into the fetal position and cry yourself to sleep. Hell, drink wine. Do whatever you need to do to get from moment to moment. It's a moment to moment kind of thing. One day, you'll look around and realize that you've made it a little further. That'll be a big accompolishment, but it'll be so sad, too. You'll know how to respond to it when it happens. Moment to moment.

S.,

My heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry to hear what happened to your son. There are no words that can take away the pain and suffering that you are going through. I haven't been through what you have in the exact circumstances, but I have lost a child. My suggestions on how to get through it is to gather as many close family members, friends, relatives etc. to help support you through this time of mourning and loss. I don't know if you are religious or not, but I found great comfort and strength from going to church and getting my church family to love and support me. Maybe that will help you. You will go through the cycles of grief till your done. There is no set amount of time-- it just happens when you are done-- you can't force the process or speed it along. You have to take good care of yourself, love yourself and get support from everyone you can. Many people won't understand. Many people will try to fix your feelings or tell you to move on---- they mean well, but it still hurts. Ignore those and go to the ones who really understand. Join a bereavement group-- most hospitals have them and they are a wonderful support. Get counseling for yourself and all of your family-- this horrible tragedy has affected everyone around you. No matter what the circumstances, don't ever blame yourself for any of this. I am sure you were the best mother he could have and you should really love yourself for that. Journaling really helped me deal with my emotions- to write daily-freely and without any thought to what I am saying, it helped me grieve my baby's death. Do something in rememberance of him--- write letters to him, whatever you wanted to say but couldn't say-because you ran out of time.

I hope this helps-- you are not alone. I am praying for you.

Take care,

Molly

I can't imagine what you are going through. One thing I will say, is give yourself time. And dont expect or think that you should be getting over this, or moving on. You lost a child. There can't possibly be worse pain and heartbreak then that. My cousin passed a few years ago, he was 35. My aunt was completely devastated, and heartbroken. Still is. She used to ask all the time why she couldnt stop crying, or dreaming about him. And we used to tell her, if you need to cry, do it. If you want to be angry, be angry. You have every right. There is no right or wrong way to feel. There's no right amount of time to feel any way.
Hold onto those babies with all your heart and soul. It is a blessing that he left behind a part of them. Even if its painful,dont ever lose touch with those kids. They will keep his memory alive more then anything. My sons father passed away when he was 15 months old. And I tried like hell to keep in touch with his family for his sake, and for his fathers sake. But they for whatever their reasons just dropped out of my sons life, and as he got older, that broke his heart. Honor your sons memory by making sure those kids know you, and in turn will know him.
Dont be ashamed or afraid to seek out help. From church, family, friends, a professional. You have suffered the greatest loss possible. Theres nothing wrong with needing help to get through it. I send you my support and love. Hang in there, and know that even strangers are pulling for you and care :)

I am very sorry for your loss. My mom and I lost my sister about 1.5 yrs ago and she is doing better but it is still hard. She went to a group called Grief Share. Here is a link to find a group near you: http://www.griefshare.org/findagroup/. She liked it because everyone there knew what pain she was in, you could talk or not, you could show up or not, no pressure. She said that the group helped her understand what she was going through and that it was all in fact normal to the grieving process. I hope you find help in this process and I will pray for you and again I am truly sorry.

S.
I am so sorry for your loss!! I lost my sister to cancer last year. I was devasted. She and I were VERY CLOSE! I am sure that your loss is by far more heartbreaking. BUT I do understand the of a loss of a family member.
The best advice I can give you is to really ALLOW yourself to go through each step of the grieving process. If you are sad, be sad. If you are angry be angry. JUST BE Whatever you feel. If you try to push these feelings down you will end up exploding and it won't be a pretty sight. Don't let others dictate how you SHOULD feel. Only you know you how you feel.
I remember walking through the grocery store trying to get figure out what to make for dinner for my family, and I felt like I was going to just crumble right there in the bread aisle. Everything was overwhelming to me. I didn't crumble, I did start crying and just tried to keep my composure until I could make it out of the store. You will have days that are just too unbearable too. IT IS OK!
My heart goes out to you! I know with time it does get better. The amount of pain eases but never goes away.
Just know that ALL OF US MOMMIES ARE PRAYING FOR YOU!!
God Bless!!!!!
D.

I am so sorry and saddened to hear of your loss. Know that I will be praying for you and your family.

Please contact your minister or let me know and I will give you the name of mine. This is horrible and I know that no matter what *anyone* says, it's hard. There are also support groups that may help. But know that, although it will never go away, it'll eventually get easier.

I believe losing a child is the most difficult thing anyone has to go thru. My heart goes out to you. All the pat answers are going in my mind, like Give it time, ect, but I'm not sure you will really believe this. If I could I would wrap you up in a warm blanket and give you Hot Tea and a shoulder to cry on. May God be with you. Hang in there.

S., I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine what you are going thru right now. I was glad to read that he left you T. little blessings behind. Share the joy of your grand kids as they grow. Let them know how much their father loved them. The best medicine for your tragedy is find God's comfort in all this. Pray like you have never prayed before. God will give you peace and comfort.

Lots of blessings,
mommy of T.

S., I am so sorry to hear about your pain. Just know that there are a lot of people, known to you as well as unknown who are caring for you right now. I am a praying woman so I will be praying for you that you will feel comfort and peace, more and more each day.

It is a difficult thing to lose a loved one but to lose a child in such a tragic way is pain beyond belief. The more you care for your grandbabies and their mom, the more joy you can bring back into your life. If you don't live close, consider moving closer. If you do live close, offer suggestions of what you can do to be helpful. If you just ask what you can do, the mom may not know how to answer. But if you suggest things you can do, that might be easier for her.

Be sure to give yourself time each day to cry and release some of the pain. Then wash your face and go hang out with those beautiful babies who need you.

May God give you peace.

Oh S., my heart just aches for you. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have been through. My instant thought was to tell you that somehow you need to get up everyday (as hard as that is) and be there for your grandchildren. They need you and you will honor your son by being there when he can't be. You bring honor to his memory by doing all of the little things each day that he cannot. Your son would want you to do that for him. And everytime you get down, you tell yourself that over and over again.

I also second the recommendation for some sort of support group. Several have mentioned Griefshare and I have heard it is a fantastic program.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. I would definitely get into some grief counseling with a group of parents that have lost children or a group for people who have lost loved ones through violent means. No parent wants to outlive their child and it is especially hard if another human took him away from you. I am sure you have plenty of anger to work through. The ladies are correct in watching your grandbabies grow up. That is his immortality on earth. You will see him in them. Again I am so sorry. You are in my prayers. cb

Oh, I am so sorry...
Please look for a support group for parents who have lost children.
Hospitals have grief counselors with resources for people dealing with serious illness or death, so they should be able to refer you to a support group or counselor.
If you search online for "parents of murdered children" you may find something online.
There may be books on the subject also---definitely on loss of children, and possibly on murdered children also.
Don't forget that you must take care of yourself---eat, sleep, ask friends and family for help!

If you have no support system try the local Hotline: (800) 232-8519 they have people who can talk with you about what your going through. It is never easy to lose a loved one may god be with you

Compassionate Friends is a support group for parents that have lost their children. It helped my parents enormously when my brother died at the age of 17. Look them up online for a chapter near you.

I am so truly sorry for your loss. It is a terrible thing.

I know you have received a lot of responses. I just wanted to say there is a group in North Dallas, near 635 and 75...called GriefWorks, that is a group setting for kids and adults to share their struggles as they grieve the loss of a loved one. Check it out if you can....i know it's hard to step out and call or try to go somewhere, but once you make that step, it will make all the difference and you will be so happy to realize there are others in your situation....and when you talk about how your week was, they will all nod their head and say I know what you're feeling...we will get through this together....it's going to be okay...
http://www.christian-works.org/griefworks/grief_services....
###-###-#### ext 105

~H.

I also would recommend Griefshare as an aid to working through this pain. I am so sorry for this tragedy in your life. I pray that you find comfort and healing.

S.-I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you sweetie. I think you've rec'd some great advice about finding a support group to share your feelings with and lean on and I applaud you for seeking help. I also recommend you pray often and incessantly to God. He truly understands your feelings and knows exactly what you need. May you find comfort and peace in His embrace and with the knowledge that your son is home with God now, safe & sound, and watching over you till the time comes when our Lord & Saviour will redeem us.

May God bless you and your family. We're all praying for you.

S.,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. What a horrible tragedy! I can't imagine anything worse than the loss of a child. We are supposed to outlive them, and it's a difficult thing to get your arms around. Have you looked into Compassionate Friends in your area? It might be helpful to interact with other parents who have experienced the same level of loss that you have. God Bless.

I have not walked in your shoes but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your terrible loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

You know I cannot say that it would get any easier. I think I woud just die inside if one of my boys wouldn't be with me. The only I can say to give you any confort at all is focus all you energy on those two little ones with the ok of the mother of first of all. But just remember you have a piece of him in those little one. As far as the pain the only thing it would be insane to tell you to deal with it because that is the greatest pain a mother could ever go through. But you need to live for those that are around you. My greatest sympathies to you. Yet remember one thing you are his voice now so that those babie learn about their father. Who knows more about your son but you.

http://www.thetriumphbook.com/

http://www.thetriumphbook.com/programintro.php

S.,
I'm so sorry for your tragic loss. I have two small boys, and I can't imagine going through what you have. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go down this rocky road of grief. Lots of love and positive prayers for you.

I realize this is not for everyone, and if it offends you, I'm sorry - that was not my intent. But I can recommend a Medium who can actually connect you with his spirit and have a conversation with him. I have lost both my parents, and I have had several readings with her where I talked to them and the closure and comfort has been life changing. I did grief counseling and have lots of family support and don't usually do the psychic thing, but my hunch about her was so right. She's a mom herself and is the real deal. Several of my friends have had phone readings and she's connected them all with loved ones who have passed. She's not a scam, or creepy, so if you are interested her name is Georgia O'connor and her website is www.meetthemedium.com. (I'm the video on her testimonial page, too)

She doesn't turn away people who can't pay, and maybe she can help you connect with him to release some of your pain and grief. Then you can move forward without that pain to be grandma for the babies. With love,
T.

S.,
My heart goes out to you, your post just made me stop in my tracks - what a void. I hope you are able to be close to those 2 babies and hug and love them.
Here is a link for you to your local chapter of Compassionate Friends - it is for parents who have lost a child: Corpus Christi
Chapter Name: South Texas Chapter
Chapter Number: 1140
____@____.com
###-###-####
Carolyn
Meeting Info: 1st Thursday of each month 7:00 pm
Meeting Address: St. Mark's Lutheran Church, 4620 S Alameda St, Corpus Christi, TX 78412
Another recource might be your local Hospice - they have support groups and possibly a library you could use.
Wishing you well.