Cousin Confusing Adopted Children

I'm sorry they don't want to meet you but I think I missed something; I'm confused as to what the problem is -- and I too have an adopted child...If you don't feel comfortable sending them, then don't...I don't know what else to tell you

Do you have any idea why they are doing this? It sounds sort of odd to only include some children, but not all.

I feel like there is a huge piece o this story that is missing. Why do you only send some of your kids over to your cousin's house? Is there a connection between your cousin and the kids?

Anyway, your kids, your rules. Don't send them if they are not going to abide by your wishes.

Well, aren't they extended family? Of your cousins husband?
I'm confused maybe.
Family is what you make it.
Sometimes the best family members are the friends we choose.
Family is what you make it.

I'm not seeing the issue. You obviously are close enough with and trust them enough that they keep these kids for days at a time. If I trust someone with my child, I usually also trust their judgement.

My son is adopted as well and regardless of adopted or not.....These are your children and they are not respecting your boundries. Don't let them go any more. Do not let them contact the kids. Cut it off. You need to know everything going on in their lives and not be cut out by anyone.

I'm just confused..............................

Unless they are part of a weird cult, or you sense some strange end goal, it seems that the childless couple is compensating for their lack of children. They seem to have made close friends with other, hopefully good, people. And as many people know, we can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. To me, it seems like they are so happy to have your kids visit, that they throw a little celebration for them.

I'm not sure if you just feel left out or? How do your adopted girls explain the parties and interactions? Are they as uncomfortable as you?

I think the family ties are already blurred, being that they are adopted. I mean, they are calling your family similar names I imagine, when in fact, there is no such blood relationship.

D., I would probably take a small step back and just know how wonderful you are as a mother to be raising 8 children, and that these 3 girls get extra special treatment at the cousin's home. How cool is that for them? It's a little quirky, but it seems harmless.

We need some clarification -- why have only the three adopted girls been going to visit these specific cousins up to this point, when you have eight children total? Maybe it's something about the girls' ages? Maybe your other kids are still too young to visit relatives on their own?

It would help to know why only the adopted kids were until now making these visits. Sending just them, and not the other kids, and not going yourselves to make these visits alongside your three girls, meant that the cousins naturally feel closer to these three girls -- they have spent the most time with them! You sent the girls, the cousins got close to them, and that's not bad; the issue is that the cousins now have them spending a lot of time with people who are strangers to you -- is that correct?

I would want to know the people my children were seeing. Who are they? What are they like? What do they do with my kids around? You are the parents, and have the right to meet anyone they are seeiing.

But bear in mind that up until now the adult cousins have been allowed by you to see just these three girls, without you or the other kids, and up until now, the adult cousins have had over their own relatives as they liked. It's going to offend them, basically, for you to step in after what you describe as "years" of the girls visiting, and say to your cousins, "But from now on when the girls visit, you can't have your own relatives over to your own house at the same time our girls are there." They can easily counter, "You trusted us up until now; why don't you trust us any more? We'll have anyone we like visit our home any time."

I'm not saying the cousins are right, and if I were you I would start visiting yourselves, with the rest of the kids, rather than sending just these girls to your cousins. But just be aware that you are likely to have a rift, since you have let them go on forming what you describe as a "sub-family" for some time, and now you are stepping in to say, "That's not working." If you can make it about "We'd love you to get to know ALL the kids" and not about "We don't trust these strangers/we insist you see all the kids or none," that would be best and could save your relationship.

I would guess there is more going on here -- maybe they have a soft spot for these girls because they're adopted, or they see themselves as helping you out so you can do things with other kids while the girls are with them, or you have some reasons for feeling uncomfortable about these stranger-relatives your kids are seeing without you there. Whatever you do, just remember that if you love and like the cousins themselves, tread with care and understanding so they can stay in your lives if that is what you want. But -- yes -- I would definitely not negotiate on meeting and knowing people who were seeing my children when those children were away from my home for whole weekends at a time.

As for "grandparents," the cousins may be well-meaning but it is indeed confusing to the kids. I would ask that they not have the kids calling people grandparents who are your or your husband's parents. Coming up with other, fun nicknames is one option.

As a kid who grew up foster care, I think it's great that your cousin wants your adopted girls to call family names as such.. I think it's their way of helping the girls feel a sense of belonging, I totally get why they are doing it... how wonderful that your cousin wants the girls to be a part of the entire family..
Unless I am misunderstanding your post, which is a bit unclear.... Otherwise, how great it would be if all adopted children/foster could feel a part of something..

my foster mother NEVER made an attempt to make us foster kids a part of something.. in fact, she made it clear that we were NOT a part of the biological family and to prove her point, she showered her own son with things like ice cream (this despite he rest of kids watching him eat it) she never made him behave (he was a bully and often beat some of us up) yet... he was the special child. we were told our mothers didn't want us..... and were lucky to be in the home..

again...how nice your cousin seems to care enough to include the girls..

I'm a little confused. You invited them to have a relationship with the entire family, but you frequently send just the girls to visit them, without the rest of the family? I'm not being critical of you, just want to make sure I understand. If this is the case, then I think you may be sending a mixed message.

In the future, to send a clear message, you plan only visits where you can go as an entire family (where you can clarify the relationships with all the people at the moment that any mix-up occurs (child says "Hi Grandma Kate!" and you say (with a smile) "Sweetie, that's not your Grandma, that Mrs Smith, cousin Becky's friend.")

Personally, my kids have several pseudo-aunts and uncles and I think it's great that they have more people to love them. But it sounds like maybe it's gotten out of hand in your case, since these aren't your close friends, but rather your cousin's friends who you don't really even know. Kind of strange. So I'd cut the visits until your cousin agrees to your boundaries.

Count me confused. This story makes no sense as written. Is your issue mainly the use of titles or exposure to people you don't consider family?

I am sorry. I think this is a beautiful thing. I would love to have a big,big,big extended family. You have adopted these children...who couldn't stand to have more loved ones embrace and "adopt" them with their hearts.

Please tell me if I am missing something...you don't give us much to go off of.

We have Hawaiian friends over to visit...my kids call them auntie and uncle. The color of our skin is obvious that we aren't related...but in our hearts we couldn't be more family.

I guess I am missing the problem here. If you want the behavior to stop then you need to not let your children over to your cousin's home. But I think that is pretty darn extreme for this non issue type issue. Now if they were doing something to physically or emotionally hurt them then that would be a different issue.

Your cousin and her husband sound like they are just opening up their family network with your girls. I wish I had family that would do that.

Good luck and best wishes.

I'd clarify to them that the kids only have your and your husband's parents as their grandparents. But extended family IS their extended family. If your relationship is good enough for you to send the kids to be with them without you, why would they NOT be considered extended family.

I'm guessing there might be more to the issue, but other than calling non-grandparents by grandparent, the rest of your cousin & hubby's family ARE extended family, cousins, etc. Family friends are family friends, regardless of who the family is.

They do need to respect your wishes, but your wishes may need to be clarified, and should make more logical sense. Based on the original question, your "separation" of family, extended family, etc., is confusing to me - so it might be confusing to your cousin and your kids...

I think a bit more facts and details would help?

Do you only send the 3 adopted girls to these cousins for visits, like on Memerial weekend? If so, why? Wouldn't you be responsible for some of the singling out if you don't send all your kids? If youvare sending all the kids for visits aren't they being included in the 'family reunions'?

From the outside, it seems nice that they are trying to include these adopted girls in their family! I guess I am missing the problem?

Do these cousins have any other ties to these adopted kids you are leaving out?

The children that you have adopted, are they related to these people (not through you but biologically)? How old are your adopted children?

It makes more sense for the contact with your cousin's husband's family since they are family (just not directly or biologically...which is quite common) but not so much with the "friends". Is this only with the adopoted children and not the other 5?

The quick solution is to not send your kids to your cousin's home without you. When your cousin asks, tell her that your wishes have been ignored and therefore they can not come unattended any longer. When/if the phone calls and letters do come you intervene and tell them that your family welcomes a relationship but your children are off limites if being singled (or tripled) out.

I guess I am going against the crowd. While I agree that it is great the cousins want to give the girls extended family, I do see why there would be a problem excluding the other kids. Maybe I am reading this wrong but it seems they are only interested in the girls and not meeting you and your whole family. I think that part is wrong. I do not however, see why only these kids are sent over by the cousins and not all of the children.

I don't get it. You are allowing the girls to be involved in these "pseudo reunions" by sending them to your cousin's house. Just stop sending them over there. Visit only as a family, when you and dad can be there, too. Problem solved.

I read the first three responses, and I am of the same opinion that I don't see the problem. They ARE extended family - 2nd cousins by marriage. Sorry that they don't really want to meet you; I find that a bit strange. Perhaps you can ask to be invited to the next "reunion" so you can meet these extended family members.

I really don't understand how/why your girls would be confused.

Are your adopted kids the only ones that still live at home and that's why they are the only ones that this is happening with? I don't think there is enough information in your post.

ADD: Ok so from you SWH, what they are doing is not ok then. Since you still have kids in the house that are being disregarded. It's nice that you let them go on extended weekends but honestly I would tell them from here on out if you take one you take all!!!!! None of the kids should be left out. I was hoping your other kids where older and that was why. That is as bad as if they took your bio kids and left the others out.

I agree about the boundaries being broken and not sending the girls by themselves.

What I think has happened is that they wanted to adopt these children and they did not get to. In return you guys told them they could keep in contact with the girls through letters and calls. They in turn decided that they wanted to take it one step further and sort of treat these girls more as extended family, probably because they are childless. You guys are sending the children to them without your other children and then now that you found out they are having reunions etc. you are upset that your other children have not been invited. If they were just having quality time with the adopted children would you still be upset? I think you created a lot of the dynamics here by first of all sending them without your other kids thus creating the separation to begin with. Do what is best for the kids or yourself. If the kids like going, have fun etc. send them, if you don't feel comfortable with the situation, stop sending them.

I don't understand why you're sending your two adopted children to your cousin's house separately from your other six children... seems like your cousin and her husband aren't the only ones setting up a weird, unique, subfamily for these girls.

You know that these cousins were calling these other friends familial names and you had a problem with it, yet you continued to send them there without telling them to stop? Only recently did you mention that they should include your whole family?

Good grief. If you don't want them calling non-family members by family names, tell your girls not to call them that and tell your cousins not to allow it... but seriously, I don't get having cousins so involved that they feel they can introduce and name new people to the children... and yet not close enough to you that you can talk openly and honestly about your desires for your children... just strange.

Did you adopt these girls from your cousin's husband's family (only thing that kind of makes sense to me)? I think it is strange that you have not met the people who have trained YOUR daughters to call them grandma and grandpa. I also think it is unfair to exclude your other children useless there is a reason (for example the cousin's husband's sister gave birth to them).

I would not send my children to someone's home if the adults are not willing to meet me, the mother. Why are you leaving your daughters with your extended family?

I don't think it's a problem to call close friends aunt or uncle. In many cultures (especially in Asia) ALL of your parents friends are your "aunties." I even have a couple of close friends who my kids call Auntie. So, if your cousin is having your girls call her friends Auntie Sue or Uncle Bob, I don't think that's so bad.

Are you girls ACTUALLY confused? Do they think that these people are their family and not understand that they aren't technically blood relatives of your cousin? Do they express their confusion and seem upset by it? Or is it just a perception that it might be confusing to them since you know they aren't technically related to anyone by blood.

Why do your three adopted girls go over there without your other kids? Do they have a special relationship with your cousin? Why hasn't anyone else in your family ever stayed at the cousin's house for dinner to meet them? Why don't your other five children ever go there?

Maybe you could add some more info to your question or to your So What Happened, because it seems like a lot of the people replying are as confused about it all as I am.

Stop sending them! Why do they even go there in the first place?

If your cousin can't respect you wishes then I would surely not send the kids to them without you or your husband present. That would be the end of unsupervised visits.

I have an adopted daughter who has maintained relationships with her birth family aunts and uncles and cousins. Is that the situation you're describing? Otherwise I don't understand why your adopted children would visit your cousin while your other children do not.

Are the people they're meeting not cousins, grandparents, or any other relative thru adoption? You say it's your cousin. That sounds like you and the cousin are related. So why are just your adopted children visiting there without you and their siblings?

I'm very confused. I will hazard a guess that your cousin and husband are trying to make the adopted kids feel a part of the family and are thus emphasizing the relationships. How long has this been going on?

Why don't you go with the children and meet these people yourself?

I also don't understand why this would be a problem. So what, if your cousin introduces relatives to your children? I just don't understand why it's just your adopted children. Or, if they're not relatives, why is your cousin calling them relatives.

However, if she's just telling them to call them by those titles I do understand calling adult friends aunts and uncle and even pet names for an older person, such as a granny or gramma. That incident is easy to explain. They are just titles and not relatives. I would not be upset by that. And it would not be confusing to the kids if they're told that these are titles and not actually people related to them.

Perhaps these people are relatives of her husband. If so, then it makes sense that they would be introduced as relatives. And....it would make sense why you're not a part of the reunion. But why aren't your other children involved?

The biggest question for me is why do you send just the two adopted children to visit your cousin and her husband? I suggest that if we knew the answer to that we might be able to understand your concern.

Also, it might make a difference if we knew the ages of all of your children.