Crazy Boyfriend Kinda Scares Me

Signs of a controlling young man. My neice dated one of those too, she has since broken up with him. Here are the things that family did to help speed that along.

1. Shared what makes their own relationships work
2. Discussed their own personal "deal breakers"
3. Helped her become very busy all of a sudden, family activities, dance, a part time job requirement, more babysitting opportunities etc.

In addition her grades began to slip with this boy and a requirement for dating was a certain GPA be kept. So between her being busy, and working harder towards school so she could have time to spend with him and her cell phone privledges etc he held on tight for a month then let her go. She is now in a healthy teen relationship and is capable of telling the difference now.

Show her how an assertive, independent woman acts. She needs to see it in action, it'll be more meaningful than just telling her.

Not good. Crazy controlling IMO.

She has opened up the doors of communication and offered up this information to you b/c she feels comfortable with you...use this to your advantage and walk through that door Auntie!! Bring it up again and get more information out of her so you can get a clearer picture of what this kid is about...and then advise her of what is happening to her. She is in a controlling relationship and being controlled by someone is not love! When someone loves you they trust your judgement to be who you are and to make all your own choices and decisions!

Since she shared it with you, she's invited you to walk through a door that she's opened. Take advantage of that and TALK to her. Boy, aunts have such a special place, more power than you realize. You have the authority and respect of a mother with the open communication of a sister. I call them "sister-mamas". Use it. Instead of just telling her what YOU think, ask her what SHE thinks, and then direct her to make decisions that will work for her long term. This will let you know what's in her head and empower her to act on what she believes. Otherwise, you just want her to pay lip-service to what YOU think is right. If she doesn't find her own voice, then she'll spend a lot of time following. If you focus on telling her what you think she should do, then you'll just change whom she follows from him to you. Maybe. Either way, she's not being taught to be a leader and take responsibility for how she behaves in her relationships.

ETA: This is a personality and development thing, too. Something in your niece won't let her speak up to him. If she NEVER exercises this particular muscle, she will forever be at the mercy of some guy who says he loves her. She'll lose sight of any possibility of behaving differently because it will stop occurring to her that she has a choice. If that voice in her head keeps going unanswered, un-explored, never taken seriously...it'll stop speaking up. That part of her that feels like her opinions and comforts, etc. matter will die, and she'll be fighting this battle for the rest of her life.

When I was 14, I had an awesome same-age boyfriend. (We were very close friends for two years before and are still very close at 40.) Our love was innocent and pure, and we were experimenting with the things that we saw other couples do all the time. We weren't having intercourse or fondling genitalia, just making out pretty hard. Anyway, I let him put a hickey on either side of my neck because neither of us had ever experienced that and wanted to check it out. My father didn't yell at me, but he let me know that he didn't like it. Besides the embarrassment, what I retained from that conversation was that this boy had no right to brand me. "You belong to me and your mama, and we haven't marked you up." He hadn't earned any rights to stake that kind of claim on me. Of course, I was in love and knew that no harm was meant, but I carried with me that lesson of earning rights/privileges. I learned not to let some guy just assume any rule in my life. Your niece is not too young to learn that. Every guy won't be like this, but there's a reason that this guy is still attracted to her. If you all don't make her less attractive to him, you'll be essentially placing a bull's eye on her back for other guys just like him, and that behavior gets even less cute with age.

ALSO (sorry this is so long): When my cousin (like my child) was in about 9th grade, he had a cuckoo girlfriend. The men in their family (father and three sons) commit whole-heartedly, even as children. He was a perfect gentleman, because that is how the men in my family were raised. Girls mostly loved it and felt special. This one girl used to act out when he would talk to another girl, etc. Whenever I was around them, I spoke very frankly. He and I were close, so he told me stuff when it was just the two of us. When she was around, I made a point of randomly mentioning that they were too young to be keeping a certain level of tabs on each other, that it was unhealthy and blah, blah, blah...that neither of them should allow possessiveness between them.... She knew (without knowing just what he had shared with me) that he had the support of his family when he refused to "fall in line" with her. When she was looking to have sex with him (lining right up with the pathology that was in her home), she knew that we weren't going for it and encouraged healthy relationships. Before long, she got away from him because she learned that he was not going to bear the responsibility of rescuing her from her mother's house. It's okay for you to step in and show this guy that your niece has back-up.

Mom and Dad are insane and no counselor would suggest allowing this behavior to continue. My guess is that this is their "interpretation" of what he/she said.

What should you do? I would have a long talk with her and with your brother (separately) about your concerns. Tell her that what he is doing is not OK and that no one has the right to restrict her behavior in that way. Find something that she can read/watch with you on the topic. There is a LOT out there available on the internet about abusive teen relationships.

Let your brother know (in very clear language) that he is out of his damn mind if he allows this to continue. He is letting his child be abused because he's afraid that she will stop talking with him. Guess what? She's already cut off communication with them or they would be ABLE to have this dialogue!

She's 14. She's a child and this is not a game.

You know what's coming next and it isn't going to end well. He's going to come at her verbally (first) when she breaks one of "his rules". Then it's going to become physical. He is also going to convince her that the only way to keep is to have sex.

Your brother is in for a very dangerous and rough ride if he doesn't start parenting and stop falling back on the therapist.

As her aunt I think you should let her know your thoughts. You are in a different communication zone than Mom and Dad....
I think the boy sounds very controlling and she needs to know there is a difference. Keeping her ignorant isnt doing her any favors.

Nope, not crazy love--just crazy. Bravo for her confiding in her aunt!! It was often easier for me to talk to my aunts than to my mom. He sounds like a nightmare in the making, so do your best to teach her about what true love looks like.

Holy cow. She needs to dump him now. She is 14. If she doesn't , her parents better do something before something bad happens. My good friend lost her 16 yo to someone like him. She is dead.

ADD: Do you think that she would be willing to read this post and the answers? Since we are all women who are NOT involved in her life, but have life experience - maybe reading these will help her look at things from another direction. She could even ask additional questions and clarify. Just a thought.

ORIGINAL: DANGER DANGER DANGER.

If you can have converations with her, talk to her. Don't "dis" him, but if you're watching tv and something relavent comes on, have a conversation. If he texts something that she tells you about, ask her questions that make her think.

Perhaps call a women's shelter and ask them about resources for teens that are scared by their boyfriend's behavior.

He's crossing a line, and she has to see it for herself.

Her parents need to talk with her, not at her. They can discuss this with her, of course, but they need to help her THINK if telling her what to do/not do will shut things down. You know, the "you're becoming a young woman. what do you think a strong young woman would think about...?"

It's just plain crazy. Not love. When your niece confides in you does she seem flattered or worried?

Is the counselor of your brother and sister in law their counselor or a family therapist that sees everyone...? I understand the counselor cautioning them talking to her to avoid alienating her, but I'm also wondering if your niece is in therapy and the counselor is talking to her about it?

I think the fact that she is talking to you makes it your business. I would tread lightly and keep communication open with her. Be supportive of her right to make her own choices and without bad mouthing her boyfriend let her know that the relationship and controlling behavior is not what a healthy relationship is.

What a loon. And a scary one at that.

If she is confiding with you she is looking to hear your opinion. Give it to her. It's one thing for a BF to text all the time cause that's what kids do. It's another think to text her to keep tabs on her and find out what she is wearing.

Have the conversation and let her know how wrong it is. And be sure to tell her to love herself and not to let anyone control her, EVER!

Not normal!
VERY controlling young man.

As her aunt, it's perfect for you to discuss this with her.
My cousin specifically enlisted my help by requesting that I talk to her daughter that was in a similar relationship. It worked.
You can impress upon her that at this young age ( or any age really!) no relationship should be this exclusive or have this many rules and regulations!!! She needs to know that she has power on any relationship and that any partner that tries to usurp it is negative.
That caring for someone means supporting them, not controlling them.
I hope you can get that across.
Good luck!

It's a red flag to you and she expressed concern - listen to your gut. You're in a very unique position b/c she trusted you and you're not her mom. Bring it up again and go into more of how she's 14 and being very modest but tread lightly as you don't want her to shut down. Give her scenerios, personal experience or a friend's experience. With my 15 yo daughter, its usually pretty easy for her to see how someone else should handle a situation. He is way too controlling and she needs to get out, but SHE has to do it.

Just keep the lines of communication open.

It is crazy and controlling. You might want to ask her how SHE feels about it and if she thinks this is normal, and if so, why? What does he provide in their relationship other than a warm body and a title?

I think that young girls don't know what they don't know and they think possessive behavior is "love". Your niece is not property. I also think her parents should speak to her about things like not being pressured to do anything she doesn't want to do - drugs, alcohol, sex. Nobody who demands you do x and y for them when you don't want to loves you. Since she's confided in you, I think she is looking for adult guidance and help. So provide it, IMO. We tell kids to talk to a trusted adult when they are in trouble, and I think she's doing just that. She picked you. So it IS your business.

It is not just "how kids are". My SD never had a BF who told her what she couldn't wear (or one that got away with it, anyway) or tracked her every move.

Her parents need to talk to her, too, out of love and concern. Not sit back and let this unfold when she's being stalked by her BF as soon as she's out of his sight. This is not normal.

And IMO, they need a new counselor. She's in an abusive relationship and they say not to talk her? So they just let her be abused? Or did the counselor tell them not to demand they break up and yell and scream? There's more than one way to address an issue.

Help her.

Yes, controlling. Kids have a tendency to do what is done to them. Your neice's boyfriend may be seeing/experiencing this type of behavior in his home in some form. Keep the communication line open with your niece, creating an atmosphere for her that is safe for her to continue to communicate to you. Don't be sappy or fearful; believe me, she can pick that vibe up and it's a turn off. Ensure that when she is in your presence, she feels loved and cherished. She confides in you, so consider that a blessing. Continue to treat her with love and respect, focussing on her best attributes. Keep her in your prayers and consciousness believing only the best for her. Whatever you focus on, you will see more of.

Realize this type of control may also be attractive to her at this time (the "bad boy" type). It can be sort of adventurous, for example for a sheltered girl to have this type of experience. I can also understand her parents not wanting to push her away by telling her what to do.
I remember a stage I went through in my teenage years when my parents became a bit controlling and this pushed me a way even more because I was fighting for my independence. This is vital for a teen as they are on the verge of become full grown adults.

Another helpful thing is to surround yourself with positive things and people at all times as this will help you to be positive for your neice. When you find yourself worrying, watch a positive video or find something that refocusses your attention on the positive. Again, what you focus on regarding your neice will increase, so you want it to be positive. This will create a vibration of strength!

That is scary that she's already found someone that controling so young and sounds like is ok with it or she would not stay with him. Her parents should get her into counseling or she will continue to date him or other guys like him.

Umm, a counselor told parents to not confront their daughter who is in an abusive relationship. That's a read flag as much as his behavior is. I'd talk to my daughter, the boy, his parents, and the police if necessary. Who does he think he is. However, this is probably what he sees at home...still, I'd put him in his place in a minute!

Scary, very scary!
What a difficult situation, she needs to decide for herself to get out of his radar fast!
Staying away for a longer period of time with you is an option?
Sending her to a long far away trip? away from his reach?
Good that the parents are in some way alert and know of this happening.

Good luck!

Its not how kids are today. At least normal, fun teens. This young man is controlling and has potential domestic violence all over it if he hasn't laid his hands on her yet. Definitely talk to her and her mom. GL

No, not normal. Wow.

It's a sign of a controlling young man. And her parents need to get a different counselor. They are teaching the parents to let the kid control the situation, out of fear that she will stop talking to them. I think you as her aunt, can probably talk to her and make her realize that this is not the way it is supposed to be.

I see major red flags. I was in a relationship like that, and I was abused in may different facets.

At the same time it is a very delicate situation, as she has to see what we adults see.

If you know somone who has a "normal" relationship at her age.. point out the differences. And keep working on she should be an independent person who needs NO ONE to make her whole.. she is whole on her own and the relationship is the extra great toppings.

Good luck