Crying When Dropped off at Preschool

Hi E.,

My son is 4 and he started a new school in September. He was also previously in a very loving home daycare since he was 4 month old. We experienced exactly the same scenario as you do and we never expected it. He was so excited to go to the new school. However, we soon realized that he wanted to go to the new school but did not realize that he could not go to his old daycare anymore. We are able to bring him back to his previous day care once in a while after school. Ever since we started did, he loves going to school and goes without clinging and tears as he know that he does not have to give up his previous day care totally.
It worked for us. Maybe it is an option for you. Good luck and all the best,
C.

I agree with Marda - put him back in home daycare. Almost 3 may seem old to you guys but it's really so young still. Plenty of kids don't go to any school at that age. To me the most important thing at that age is for the child to feel safe and happy and if he was before and isn't now, I'm not sure there's reason to keep him in this preschool. My daughter was super social but only attended small, homebased preschools part time. So the year before K, I did put her part-time in a bigger setting for her to get used to that. It was VERY tough on her which was a surprise but I'm glad I did it bc then K was no big deal. But she was much older and K was looming so I feel it was worthwhile. At almost 3, there's plenty of time.

Since he has "wonderful social skills" and plays with other kids, I'd take him back to the in home daycare. He'll benefit from the one on one time with her. Life was going well with him when he was there. That's the most important part of for me. He'll have more confidence and be more mature when it comes time for him to go to preschool or even kindergarten. I think those early years are best spent with the personal attention that a small in home daycare can provide.

I would consider putting him back in the home daycare if I were you. IMO it is stressful for children that young to be put in such a structured situation in an institutional setting(couldn't find a better word for describing a school-don't mean its like an istitution). They are much more comfortable in a real home with soft carpet and couchs and coziness with a loving caregiver who can pay adequate attention to their needs. This will feel the most like 'home' to them.

At this point in his development I don't think you need to be worrying about him 'socializing' with other kids. He will get that soon enough.

Is taking him back to the in home day care an option? Is it something you would be happy with? It sounds like that was the right place for him, don't worry about him learning to be around a big group of kids right now, it's just not neccessary at this age. When he turns 4 would be a better time for mass socialization, but in my opinion a full day is too much for even a four year old. Personally, I would keep my child in the in home day care until kindergarten started. I've worked in multiple day cares, and now I watch kids in my home. Being in a day care is just not the same as someone's house - it's not as cozy, relaxing, or comfortable. IMO, day care is too much chaos for children to endure all day long - it's almost too much chaos for teachers to endure all day long, and they get coffee, potty, and lunch breaks - something the children can't do. Keep life quiet and simple for your son for as long as possible. Good luck!

What you were probably observing was him involved in "parallel play" which is pretty typical for his age. They play adjacent to each other but not necessarily "with" other children. Our son was in private home day care until 2 1/2 when we switched him to a larger daycare/preschool setting. After almost 2 years,he still loves to stay home with Mommy and sometimes says he doesn't want to go to "school" but once he's there, he has a lot of fun. Your son may find buddies in the next year which is more typical for playing cooperatively and "with" other children their age. If it is really disturbing to you, you could find a compromise which is a home daycare with more children. He will really benefit from the social interaction in the next year. My son is 4 1/2 now and has really blossomed socially, verbally, etc since going to his day care. My son doesn't cry but does hang on my at times at drop off. I make a big deal of telling him to go to the window to blow kisses and he is fine after that. My son is always jazzed to see us pick him up and grabs his stuff to go. Keep in touch with his teachers, maybe plan to visit a couple times in the classroom before changing him to a different place. He may cry at the next place too! Good luck--you sound like a very sensitive caring mommy!

This is normal for a child that has been used to one on one care.

Do you know how long he cries after you've left? If the crying lasts for 10-15 minutes, he'll grow out of it & be fine.

Choosing a pre-school is much like choosing a college & typically kids choose their own college. Did you take him with when you were looking. And did you leave him for an hour or so to see how he would fit in before signing him up? While the place may be a perfect fit for YOU it may not be for HIM.

I'm willing to bet your son is very articulate simply because he interacts more with adults than children his own age which to you may not make him seem shy at all. But he is when it comes to children; he's not sure how to relate to them. He's comfortable with your friends because he sees them often and he's the center of attention when they're around.

My solution: Have a few play dates with a couple of the other kids that he goes to pre-school with so he can bond & discover how much he actually has in common with kids his own age. After a few dates he should start to get excited about going to pre-school because his friend "Joey" is there!!

Good Luck!!!

GMGB~

I own and operate a childcare center and normal is different for each child. I think it can be a few things. The children in the school possibly could have been together for a while and have formed friendships and are unwilling to let him in, and two he may be overwhelmed with going from the security of a small home setting to a bigger center. Asking the teachers is all well and good, but I think your sons actions speak for themselves. He isn't happy. At three years old he can express himself and if he is still crying and can't wait to get out of there he isn't happy.I have children who do not want to leave at night. As a matter of fact parents will always tell me they can't get them out at night. Did he go with you to tour this school? Was he a part of the decision? Did he transition in slowly? Have you tried getting some of the other children's contact information and having a play date? I would sit down with him in a relaxed situation (maybe color together) and ask him simple questions like why is he sad at school. If he says things like "Because I miss you mommy" That to means he is just going through an adjustment period. If he says things like "Because I have no friends, or "No one plays with me" That would be a red flag to me. He may need a smaller center, and a fresh start. I would also suggest you let him visit new centers with you. Make him a part of the decision. Whenever I enroll a child I always ask to meet the child. I can tell right away and so can the parents when a child is comfortable and isn't clingy. Most times parents carry them out kicking and screaming when they see all of the wonderful things to play with and do. Children will always be truthful, and honest, so you can tell by how he reacts if he is comfortable or not. I have the newly enrolled children alway visit us for a week 1 hour at a time, to adjust. It works wonders. Very little tears, and a smooth transition for all!! Good luck!! I know how difficult it can be to see your child sad.

Updated

I own and operate a childcare center and normal is different for each child. I think it can be a few things. The children in the school possibly could have been together for a while and have formed friendships and are unwilling to let him in, and two he may be overwhelmed with going from the security of a small home setting to a bigger center. Asking the teachers is all well and good, but I think your sons actions speak for themselves. He isn't happy. At three years old he can express himself and if he is still crying and can't wait to get out of there he isn't happy.I have children who do not want to leave at night. As a matter of fact parents will always tell me they can't get them out at night. Did he go with you to tour this school? Was he a part of the decision? Did he transition in slowly? Have you tried getting some of the other children's contact information and having a play date? I would sit down with him in a relaxed situation (maybe color together) and ask him simple questions like why is he sad at school. If he says things like "Because I miss you mommy" That to means he is just going through an adjustment period. If he says things like "Because I have no friends, or "No one plays with me" That would be a red flag to me. He may need a smaller center, and a fresh start. I would also suggest you let him visit new centers with you. Make him a part of the decision. Whenever I enroll a child I always ask to meet the child. I can tell right away and so can the parents when a child is comfortable and isn't clingy. Most times parents carry them out kicking and screaming when they see all of the wonderful things to play with and do. Children will always be truthful, and honest, so you can tell by how he reacts if he is comfortable or not. I have the newly enrolled children alway visit us for a week 1 hour at a time, to adjust. It works wonders. Very little tears, and a smooth transition for all!! Good luck!! I know how difficult it can be to see your child sad.

Hi E., my 3 year old started a christian preschool for the first time in August. HE STILL CRYS at dropoff but he only goes Tues/Thurs so I think it's just the morning seperation that kinda freaks him out. I actually stay outside the door for a couple of mins. to see what happens and he always calms down and then goes and sits at the table with the other children...He still looks sad but is not screaming. When I pick him up at 2:30, again I look through the door window and he is always involved even if by himself but is content and is doing what he is supposed to. DON'T Worry as I know it can be heartwrenching but it is a phase and once he starts going everyday it will become his new normal....I am going through the same thing but it will get easier....Hang in there Mama-this too shall pass.....

You asked the question I wanted to ask!!

I have a 25 month old daughter, who has been going to a lovely in-home daycare since she was 4 months old. She loves being there and sometimes doesn't want to come home.

End of 2010, my daycare provider took 2 weeks of vacation and since the time she has had that break, my daughter cries a lot more when I go to drop her off. Its worse when I go, slightly better when my husband drop hers off.

She had a phase where she cried when she was dropped off and also had a phase where she would wave us good bye or ask for her daycare lady on the weekend.

It breaks my heart to see her go through that feeling of being left some place by mommy. I know she likes her daycare lady and she is well cared for.

I am anxious to read the responses you get.

My daughter has been at the same daycare since she was a toddler - in pre K now. Some transitions went well from room to room - not an issue. However at about 3 she really struggled with good bye's in the am - but was happy when I picked her up. She has been in 2 days to full-time. Quite honestly full-time periods have been easiest on her as the routine every day is the same... vs. "is it school today???". This is one of life's many transitions and it sounds like you are handling it well and he's in good care. If you like the school and the teachers, I say keep him there. Keep it up and remember it's likely harder on him than on you. My sister has always told her daughter "mommy always comes back" and I ask mine about her favorite part of the day... then tell her mine is coming to pick her up and we laugh and giggle. It's our routine... and she is now just fine. Hang in there and I wouldn't move him back. Stick with it.

Talk to the teachers again. It's likely that he really truly is fine -- he is crying as he transitions away from you but once he's there and engaged, he's part of the group. Ask the teachers more specifically how and what he does once you leave.

Is there a way you can drop in during the middle of the day and observe him, but he cannot see you? You might be surprised to see him playing and participating with not one tear.

And be sure that your drop-offs are quick and firm --it sounds like they are already -- just be sure you don't go back for that extra hug or linger just a moment while he cries for you in his teacher's arms, etc. That only prolongs his distress and sends a signal that you don't quite trust his being there and are hesitant -- he needs to see that Mommy is comfortable with his being there and he'll get more comfortable too.

Some kids, though not all, do go through a clingy stage around 3 when left in day care or preschool or health club kids' rooms, etc., even kids who are outgoing and not clingy at home or with adult friends of yours around. It seems pretty typical. If you send him to a home day care again where he's the sole kid again, or one of very few, he'd have to make yet another transition, so give this one a chance. I've seen kids dropped at preschool who were distressed every morning for quite a long time but who by the year's end were doing fine. It's a tough age -- for both of you. Make the teachers your allies in this because they've handled it all.

He is young... and per the child's emotions/maturity... they really may not be ready... or will be once they get over the difficulty of it.

but, full days... may be a bit much, for now.
For my daughter, she went part-time at first.... 8:30-12:00, 3 times a week.
THEN, after several months, SHE asked us to go everyday. But it was still only half days. That suited her. It was just right.

An "all day" stint, is a long time for a child. Like a regular work day, for an adult. They get tired etc.

Maybe, just half days.... for now... would be better for him?
Unless he has to, stay all day... per your schedule etc.

Of my four children, my son was the only one who had the drop-off clinging and crying. My daughters would literally push me out the door, but my poor boy was more tender-hearted and would press his little face against the window in tears. Heartbreaking. Our solution was two-fold. First, I would build extra time into the drop-off process to sit and read several books of his choice with him (usually drawing a crowd of three or four other kids who figured a surrogate mommy was better than no mommy) and lengthening the transition process. It also extends the amount of time it takes for mom to get to work so I know it is not necessarily workable for everyone. The other part of our solution was to read Audrey Penn's "The Kissing Hand," in which a mama raccoon helps her little one feel remembered throughout the day by putting a magic kiss in his palm and he uses it to think of his mommy when he gets nervous or scared or lonely. Now, my son was a little more practical than that, so an invisible palm kiss was not going to fill the bill. So I would take a tube of lipstick with me each time I dropped him off and make a big production of putting a lipstick kiss on his forehead before leaving. Periodically throughout the day, he would go and look at himself in the bathroom mirror just to make sure the magic kiss was still there. It worked like a charm and helped cut down the drop-off trauma a lot. We didn't even have to do it for very long (maybe a month or so) before he started saying that he could be brave without it. Worth a try, right?