Curious/concerned About Nephew

Maybe she(or you) should take the little boy to a pediatrician because you never know what is going on. Just "in case"

J.,
I agree that you should say something. You can talk to her in a way that doesn't sound like you're blaming her but it will bring it to her attention. Also, if he does have a developmental issue the earlier they know the better. I just hate it that some parents are standoff and rely on movies or swings to entertain their children all day, when some of us had to try very hard to have children. Too bad you don't have to pass a test to have kids. I know someone else who parents in a very similar manner yet she wants to have more.
Please let us know what happens.
K.

The things you describe are concerning to hear to say the least. While it is true that all children develop at different speeds, it is always better to have a professional evaluate the child. The ideas of telling your sister-in-law about a "great pediatrician" is a good idea. Maybe you could even offer to go with her or have her come with you and make your child's check-up and your nephew's check-up back to back. Regret is a far worse feeling than 'butting in'. You can be the voice for this little boy and help him get the help he needs before it could become an increasingly seriously problem

J.,

Does your nephew see a pediatrician regularly? I am surprised if so. Maybe you could start by telling your sis-in-law of a "great pediatrician" that you heard of? My son is 9 months and he meets all of his milestones except for eating (I have an earlier post) and his pediatrician was even concerned about that and had me take him to a speech therapist who specializes in food aversion. I think your nephew should see an occupational therapist (maybe the one who just posted before me) and someone should intervene to see if he needs therapy or some other sort of intervention. There are other types of syndroms as well that model the same symptoms of autism (little to no emotion, speech, flapping, delayed motor skills etc.) you could always do research yourself and present it to her as well. Even children who have "lazy" parents should be developing skills on their own pace I would think. Most of the things I read advise against walkers because they have been known to hold children back from learning to walk.

If you are really concerned maybe you could offer to watch him on the weekends or a couple of nights a week and see if he improves?? I think it is great that you are concerned and I hope you can find a way of bringing his slow development to his mother's attention without causing a conflict. If you want the name of my pediatrician I can certainly provide it to you - even though most people on here feel she is a little overbearing ;0)

Best,

T.

I hate to say it, but I think you should "butt in", too. It may be some sort of disability or it may be neglect, but either way your nephew is getting farther and farther behind his peer group. If he doesn't get extra help now, he could have real problems when it comes to school. Yes it is the mother's responsibility and not yours, but either way that child still needs help. I would take him to a doctor to have him evaluated and go from there. If it is a disability there will be additional support for your nephew.
I'm so sorry. This situation sounds awful.
K.

Hi J.,
I'm an Occupational Therapist, I work with kids, and this is a very sad (and, unfortunately) not uncommon enough story.

Yes, he *could* be Autistic, or any number of other syndromes or developmental disorders. If he's not, then the very least he is suffering from is called neglect, if the way you describe his treatment is accurate.

This child needs, if nothing else, someone to stand up for him. He needs help, intervention, stimulation; and the mom needs (it sounds like) education (and maybe a swift kick or two). Parenting is not a job you do in sleep mode.

So, do you and your husband want to look back some day, and say, "I wish we'd done something back when..." I am not trying be mean to you: you clearly care about this child. But who is in the best position to help this child today?

Good luck, and I'm wishing you lots of strength and empowerment for the road ahead.
T

As I read your description of your nephew, I was thinking he could be autistic. It just makes it worse when he is not encouraged to move around to play and interact with others. If no one is doing anything about it, I would "butt" in and voice my concerns. Your sister-in-law may not appreciate it, but she is not the one who you are concerned about at this point. Obviously, she has her own issues. My sister-in-law and brother have two autistic children and my mom got the courage to say "something is wrong with this baby". The sooner he gets diagnosed (if he is autistic) the better for him.

Maggie

I agree that you need to step in and say something. If you nephew is developmentally delayed or has a mental health concern his issues need to be addressed as early as possible. Arizona has a great program, the Arizona Early Intervention Program (AzEIP), that all children under the age of 3 can be referred to for evaluation for delays. I recommend referring your nephew to this service, anyone can submit a referral online at: https://www.azdes.gov/AzEIP/. Noone is doing your nephew any good if noone addresses his issues.

What an unfortunate situation!!
I think that there is definately an issue here. Even with parents that don't stimulate their children accurately, there should be a regular developmental process that takes place. The lack of language is fairly normal at this level, but the lack of crawling, pulling up, etc, is very alarming. These are milestones that should have been crossed MONTHS ago!! Not just that he's a little behind and everyone develops at their own pace-- that's only true to a point. This child needs a hero. Good luck!! You and your nephew are in my prayers.

Has this little one been seeing his pediatrician for well check ups? They usually do developmental checks too. Have you talked to his dad? Do you think he is being neglected by his mom? Is she approachable? Are the grandparents involved in his life? What kind of stimulation does he get? Does he go to daycare? I wonder if there is some positive,non-critical way you could speak to mom to express your concerns. It is very good of you to think about getting involved. Good Luck

J.,

My son also didn't walk or really crawl a whole lot! He was 6 weeks premature & we had a nurse that came to our house to check on his development regularly. Eventually we had to start him getting physical therapy through Early Intervention. It is a free program to kids under 3. I would try to get your sister to call High Country Early Intervention ###-###-####) and get him enrolled. Like I said, the program is totally free, they will see if he needs the therapy and a lot of times they come right to your house!

Hope this helps

C.

Rather than coming accross as a buttinski, offer a helpfull "repreive"...offer to babysit for an afternoon or an evening and do what you would do with your own children...My kids all have extraordinary ballance and were walking early because while I had a walker/sit n' play thing, they were rarely in them. This way you can see how he reacts and responds to working those motor muscles. He very well could have a developemental problem, but it seems like you're mostly giving credit to a lack of attention to these little ones. If he simply needs the attention of someone teaching him how, then you will know in a very short time and can then have a clearer view on what your next step should be. Also, depending on your area, Head Start might be a good suggestion for the mom, I put my 3 year old in just so he could have some socialising with other little ones in his age group and get him learing those social skills...I have been a stay at home mom for all 5 and when they go to Kindergarten they got their first real social experiences.

My son is in speech therapy and I asked his therapist once if it had anything to do with my husband and I, maybe not working with him enough. She told me, definitely not, there are parents that completely ignore their kids and they still learn to talk, walk, etc. It does sound like there is something more going on with him. I would encourage her to get him tested. Does she take him for regular check-ups at the Dr.? What does the Doc say and what does the grandma say? It's best to figure it out sooner than later.

I don't know how often YOU get to see him, but obviously, the more the better. He can learn from others in his life.

I think mentioning the possibility of autism is a great way to intervene into the mother's life. If *she* gets concern and a doctor gets involved and a circle of people are really paying attention to the baby's behavior, than the mother's passivity will certainly be highlighted. Hopefully, as a result, she will become aware of her own behavior and make a change.

If you don't use "autism" as the back door to start a conversation with the mother, you really should have a non-attacking discussion with her, because it is the child's life that is suffering.

I would be concerned as well. I would think their pediatrician would be concerned about it as well. Maybe talk to your Mom about it and see what she says first. He could be behind because he spent so much time in a swing instead of playing on the floor. Walkers by themselves will not help a lot, they need to play on their belly and their back to develop the muscles to roll and walk and she may way to use a battery powered electric kids toothbrush when brushing his teeth to develop the tongue muscles used in talking. It really sounds like he has way low muscle tone. May want to suggest if you do talk to her about getting him into the AZEIP program. It is free and they will do OT and speech therapy as well as anything else the child needs to get caught up. I have had both my kids in the program. My oldest was in it because of low muscle tone and sensory integration issues. He is fine now and doing well in school. My youngest was in the program because of low weight and low muscle tone as well as speech therapy. He was in NICU for 6 days after birth though due to issues from the umbilical cord being tight around the neck when he was born. I would go ahead and talk to your parents first and see if they are at all concerned. They may be concerned as well and may broach the subject with your brother about it rather than your sister-in-law. They may not be paying attention to how old he is, just paying attention to their grandchild when they are around. You have to talk to someone though.

I am a mom of 4 children, the first three all have autism. I am going to give you a few suggestions/insights from that perspective.
When you choose to talk with your SIL/brother come prepared. Make sure it is a time that you can sit down and discuss the delays you are concerned about without being interupted. Do not discuss the parenting style(more about that in a minute). Start off that you have had this concern and you would like to bring it up this one time. What they decide to do with the information is up to them. While you will not bring it up again, you are willing to discuss at anytime if they would like. Let them know this is something you have noticed over a long period of time and you are concerned. Because you did not want to waste their time you did a little bit of research and share about what a typical kids are doing at your nephews age (this is a good website to check with http://www.birth23.org/Families/Milestones.asp ). I would also let them know that AzEIP will do an evaluation of their son free of charge and if their son is significantly delayed enough, then AzEIP will coordinate services. If AzEIP does not qualify their son, it does not mean he is not delayed, just that it is not severe enough to qualify for services. ###-###-####, toll free in Arizona (888) 439-5609.

As far as the parenting style goes - obviously there is a lot more than what you have described. I would like to share my experience of what it is like being a mom of a child with autism (well actually three children with autism). The first couple years I was a mom my kids did not interact with me. They only came to me if there was not other way to get what they wanted. Usually I would have to guess what it was that they wanted. I went to my pediatrician who said, lets wait until her three year old check up (5 months away). I am sure that when people saw me interacting with my kids they might have thought I was cold and not very interactive. That was what my kids had trained me to do. I did not know better at that time. Our relationship had become purely functional. When I tried to engage my kids in peek-a-boo or singing a song (which they once knew) they would cry. I found myself controlling the world around me so that my kids would not have a melt down. I started to feel like some woman discuss their abusive husbands to be like, except this was my 2 1/2 yr old girl and 1 yr old son(thankfully my marriage has been a huge strength and blessing). I thought I was going crazy. I thought being a mom sucked bcse my kids did not talk with me no matter what I did and I basically gave up.

My MIL kept telling me little things, like "your kids don't look me in the eyes" and "your daughter doesn't act like every other kid I know". Well, I thought, "Not every kid is going to think you are the greatest, deal with it". Thankfully my MIL sat down and wrote me a letter much like what I described where she put all her concerns on the table, said she knew there was help out there and she left it at that. I was furious for two days, then I added her concerns (not just passing comments) to mine and felt more of a need to get out there and get something done. Unfortunately I missed AzEIP for my daughter, but was able to find other services to meet her needs. My son got in AzEIP and it has been really helpful. My third child used those services as well and that really helped.

If your feel your SIL is negiligent, then call CPS. You do not have to leave your name (know that if you do they will probably find out). CPS can help a lot in situations that are not good.

That's how my mother knew that something was wrong with my sister. She didn't talk or crawl or walk, barely moved, but enjoyed the walker if she was put in it. She is brain-damaged. I don't know if they can test enough for that when they are that young. My sister wasn't confirmed brain-damaged until she was older and they could test for it. Since I am the sister (eight yrs older) and my mother passed away, I'm not even sure what they did to test her, so I'm not much help. But I would find out how to test her.

When my daughter didn't reach all her milestones and didn't learn like other kids I blamed myself. I thought I must not be teaching her correctly and that I must not be such a good mother. When I had my son, and he did all of those things all by himself, it was a tremendous relief, and I was able to forgive myself. It had nothing to do with me. My daughter we came to find out had special needs. You can't hold a child back to that extent. There is evidently something very wrong with your nephew. Do not buy that line that all kids develop at different rates and that you should just wait. Every day that he goes without help is a missed opportunity at a better life. So much can be done if you start early and from birth to three it's free, and they come to your house. What is really sad is that it seems that your sister in law is not the kind of mother that is going to be a strong advocate for her child. I know parents like this and it makes me so angry. I would definatly intervene. Would her mother be open to all this?

my son just turned 10 mnths and is walking without help and babbling. I want to say that you need to talk with your sister about it. something isnt right. Maybe he has some developmental problems but I think that even if she wasnt talking or playing with him that he would be showing some signs of the milestones he needs to be making. I think she needs to take him to the Dr. and have him looked at. And about talking with her, so you may feel uncomfortable about it but think about what could happen if you dont. I dont think that you are butting in at all, I think its your duty. If you see someting wrong then you need to say something especially if its family. And really what could it hurt. if she doesnt listen are you really worse off than when you hadnt said anything in the first place? or better yet what if she listens and takes your advice? you will be helping your nephew out. anyway thats my 2 cents. hope it helps.

It is true that all children develop differently, but I think even despite your sister-in-law's "laziness" as you say, your nephew does seem to be behind on his milestones. One bit of advice I have is that most states have what is called early intervention programs. In Arizona it is called AZEIP (Arizona Early Intervention Program). The program is for birth to three years old. YOu can call and someone will come and evaluate him. If he his behind then he will have specialists come out to the home and work with him and show your sister-in-law how to work with him. My son did the program for speech and I think it is wonderful. I don't know where you are so I can't give you any info on numbers, but looking on the internet, phone book, or just talking to the local elementary or preschool should get you where you need to go. Good luck and I think you are so wonderful for being concerned. Children need so much family support and kudos to you for being there.

WOw I went thru the same with my sister and her second baby, they were apparently unconcerned, I don't even think they had her hearing properly tested because the baby didn't want it done.. argh.. she is almost five now and did have a speech situation which is resolving nicely with a lot of therapy but I am sure if they had started earlier she would have had an easier time.. good luck!! seems you and hubby are sure doing a lot to help.

Poor kids, sometimes babies are late walkers, my cousin didn't start walking until the end of her 15th month. Does he babble or say mama and dada? My son is 16 months and does not say many words, but he does babble. I don't know how close you are to your sis-in-law, maybe say have you asked the ped when he should be talking/walking...and just see what she says...If he does have problems, they will surface eventually, its too bad she won't take interests in his problems right now, because I know early intervention is better. He may be just fine, I guess only time will tell...like you said its not really your place, just bring it up once and then its up to her.

I have a 22 month old son with diagnosed developmental delays - he started crawling at 15 months. With your nephew, there could be some kind of developmental delay or it could just be lack of opportunity if he spends a ton of time in his swing or other contraptions during the day. I'm surprised that the pediatrician hasn't voiced concerns or recommended a screening for any delays or other issues. As the sister in law, you are in a tricky place and I think you are absolutely right for keeping your concerns to yourself thus far. I think you mentioned that your mother in law cares for him a lot. Do you have the kind of relationship where you could voice your concerns to her? If you do, I recommend staying focused on the child's needs and not saying anything about your sister in law's parenting style during the conversation.

If the issue is a lack of opportunity to move and learn, the early intervention professionals can help with that and your nephew may catch up very quickly. If there is a deeper problem, the early intervention professionals can guide the family through that too. I know that in law relationships are tricky and someone needs to step in on behalf of your nephew. If it's not you, maybe your husband can talk with his mother and sister? However it happens, someone needs to say something. Good luck.

Hi J.,

Let me start by saying that I do not think that it is wrong to be concerned. It just shows that you truly love your nephew. I have been married for several years now and have six kids. When my husband and I got together he had kids and so did I. I was actually his day care provider after his divorce. My kids had developed quite normally and so had my husbands oldest. But the younger one was almost two and would only grunt. He would not walk much and when he did he was quite slow. When I started taking care of him I would hold him on my lap and play games with him like pat a cake and sing the alphabet song to him. I also did this silly little thing with all of my kids where I would hold up his right hand and say right hand and then the left hand and say left hand and then clap them together saying hands hands hands. I did the same with their feet, kind of in a singing tone. I know it sounds really silly, but it really helped my children learn the difference at an early age. I also would do the head shoulders knees and toes song. Any way, after I started doing this with my now step son, he started picking it up slowly at first and then all of a sudden he just took off. I will never forget the day my husband came home from a weekend business trip, he walked in and saw his son singing his abc's and just started to cry. He had never said anything but he had been scared to death that something was terribly wrong. To this day I truly believe that is the moment my husband fell in love with me. Try spending some quality time with your neice and nephew if possible. If you are not able to do this, try talking to your brother or sister in law. Try to come from a space where they can feel the love and concern, and don't feel like you are judging them or downing on their parenting skills. Whatever your decision, I wish you luck. God bless you for being such a great aunt. P.S. My son is now sixteen and doing very well, he has very good grades and he also plays sports.

Please butt in! Or call CPS to butt in. More then likely what is happening is he is a healthy baby but not developing due to his lack of interaction with other people, mainly his mother. He is not bonding, not learning trust (ie: no smiling, not interested in activities.) etc. Without intervention this child will grow up to be "disabled". He will lack social skills, be considered "slow," and become one of the adults you work with. He could also be autistic as you thought and if he doesn't start getting attention and help he is going to be facing some serious difficulties later on in life that just won't be fair. I know this is difficult as family subjects always are. If you are scared about hurting the relationship seek the advice of a counselor first (maybe there is one available through your church or community) or someone that can assist you and approach the subject in a none threatening manner. It is very difficult and you will have a rough road ahead but someone has to speak for the child. It is possible to do this without coming across rude and intrusive. If he is neglected at this stage he will develop problems he will never recover from.

I don't mean to sound so preachy, I do want to warn you about what this child will be later in life without help. My heart broke reading your story. I worked for years at a treatment facility for these types of neglected children and cannot begin to describe what effects his mother is having on him. The first couple years are absolutely the most important for a child's development!!! You are in such a blessed position that you are aware of what is going on and that you love your nephew. Please say something. I know it will be hard. I will pray for you, your husband and your sister in law. Good luck.

I think you should wait. if he's still not walking at two, it should be obvious to the mom that something is wrong.when he's three, if you still feel the mom hasn't done what she can for him, suggest she try to qualify for free preschool (most moms are excited about that)by going through childfind. your local elementary school will have details. they do an eval to see if they qualify based on speech delays, or other issues. it's a great way to help someone get help for their kid, without suggesting there's something wrong, just mention the free preschool part. I would suggest you try to not label your sister-in-law, she simply parents differently than you.

Not reaching normal developmental milestones in somewhat of a timely fashion is definitely a concern. You could gently voice your concern in a loving way about the baby, keeping judgements out. It might plant a seed in her to have the baby checked out by the pediatrician. The baby could have low thyroid or low muscle tone that causes him to be slugglish.
Blessings to all of you. N.