Dad in hospital...brother on vacation..wth?

I have a different outlook...you can hear me out or not...

I would have insisted on my brother going on his vacation once dad was through surgery and on his way to recovery.

WHY? Because you and your three other brothers were there to help each other out with the hospital visits and stays to watch over dad. I may not know hospital "mumbo-jumbo" but I can use Google and figure out what they are saying and what each medication does, etc. etc.

Him being there would not effect the outcome of dad's recovery one way or the other. He said his good-byes and maybe figured that being away when he passed would be easier than sitting waiting for him to die. Because being in the medical profession he KNOWS the probable outcome and knows the treatments dad is going to receive...doing it to someone else and not your own father are two different things.

He hasn't been around because he knows you guys are all mad at him. He probably wants to be there but fells like he can't be now. Offer up the peace pipe if you can...he knows he left you guys holding down the fort and he went off to have fun. Honestly probably not as much fun as you think...relationships with in laws can be very complicated...maybe even things at home with his wife.

I can say this because I am not super close to the situation and it isn't my dad or siblings (I only have one and her being there would actually make things worse.) Although if my family had a huge trip planned and something like this happened I would encourage them to go knowing I was there to keep them updated and keep watch at the hospital.

I am sorry he let you guys down but we all have to make our own choices and once he said he was going having everyone begging him to come back home was not right.

Life is short as you have discovered try and make peace with him...being stuck between your family and your wife/in-laws would be horrible. Good luck and I hope your dad makes a full recovery!!

I think you and your family were out of line asking your brother to come back from vacation to help explain things. Seriously there was no way for him to foresee the issues your dad would have after the surgery and since he was under medical care in patient there was really nothing for your brother to do other than be in the building worrying.

As far as the mumbo jumbo talk from the doctors? If you don't understand something you tell the doctor that you don't understand and he'll need to explain it in simple terms. I've done it many times because they forget they aren't talking to fellow medical people.

I'm going to venture a guess that your worry and feeling of helplessness over your dad translated into anger and outrage toward your brother because its easier to feel angry with someone than admit that you are angry because you were so worried about your dad.

I think you need to figure out exactly what your feeling are and deal with them instead of being upset with your brother. Get yourself some therapy if you can't get a grip on everything. This isn't about your brother's vacation.

People handle stress differently.
While you all were waiting at the hospital - your brother felt being at the hospital was not the best place for him to be.
The trouble with going on death watch is it's awful where ever you are and what can you do besides wait and worry.
Some people feel that actually being in the building does nothing to affect the outcome of the procedure - if you've said your goodbyes and the outcome isn't expected to be good - pacing the halls/waiting rooms doesn't accomplish anything.

Some people make reservations for once in a life time trips well in advance.
Canceling/rescheduling isn't always an option.
Or maybe he really is a heartless s.o.b.
I don't know.

How would you like it if someone told you that you were grieving the wrong way?
There is no wrong way - and no one should tell you or anyone that.
So while I understand your anger toward your brother - his way of handling the situation isn't any better or worse than the next persons.
Take some time to de-stress and then eventually cut your brother some slack.

Maybe he has only visited your dad once since coming home because your dad (and everyone else according to you) is upset with him. Understandably everyone's emotions are running high. Thankfully, your dad had many people around supporting him. If I'm reading your post correctly, that brother was there when he went in to the hospital initially, and for the surgery, and also stayed over the first night at the hospital. So he did see your dad through a major part of his ordeal. He had the chance to personally share his love and see your dad. And whether or not that one brother was there during the next period of time would not have changed his medical outcome/recovery. I agree with you that It would be very hard to see fun vacation photos on facebook from your SIL during this time, I think it's best to just not look at it when you're in crisis. Too difficult. I would give the benefit of the doubt that she didn't mean to be insensitive to you or your family, though. I don't think you all should have asked your brother to come home in the first place. You can't control what others say though. It would have been tough to witness your mom asking while you're trying to support her through it all. If you had communication while he was away, I think it would have been best to have it be about positive, loving-support, and updates on your dad. His medical career shouldn't be a factor. If you aren't clear about anything at all, speak up! All of you being in this very frightening situation, it's understandable how you felt and reacted. Still, what's done is past. I suggest you try to forgive, let go of the anger, and just reach out to your brother and tell him you are glad he's home, give him a hug, and try to be a force for bringing everyone together rather than perpetuate the drama

First of all, sorry you and your family have had to go through this. Very hard.

We went through something similar in our family once. I realized how differently we all handle things - even though we share similar DNA. We all have different coping mechanisms.

Serious means different things to different people. For your bother, your father had made it through so perhaps celebrating life with his family was the way he wanted to move forward. I don't know.

Someone in my family did something similar. In our case, was more focussed on making changes to travel plans while we were all wrecks ... but in any case, that's how they processed it all.

I would focus on what you need and getting through this difficult time. Be good to yourself. Do not focus on your bother. Focus on you and your dad, your mom and your kids. But mostly you. Be kind to yourself. That means you have to let this anger/confusion/hurt .. go for now. You can deal with it later.

Best to you. I hope your dad feels better soon and that his health stabilizes and things improve.

I think you need to remember that you do not really know what your brother's marriage has been going through lately or what his in-laws have been going through lately. There could be many reasons that his "vacation" was an important decision for him.

I am sorry that you have had to go through so much pain with your father.

All those pictures on facebook would bother me. I would have to un-follow your sister-in-law to save my sanity...I don't think I'd ever feel the same about her after that...

I know your family is upset. I know it's hard on all of you because you cannot imagine doing this yourself. Your mom had all but one child there and feels like she needed all of you. He has a certain skill set that would have made so much of a difference in dealing with the hospital.

I don't know what drives your brother, but he is different than you. He deals with dying and death for a living. It could be that he can't stand the idea of seeing his father like this and chose the escape of the planned vacation. However, this just pushes back the inevitable. Everyone dies, and he will have to face the death of his father eventually. We all do. I lost my dad and didn't leave early enough from overseas to get to him on time - by the time we realized he was terminal, I couldn't get my flight quickly enough, and I missed him by 5 hours. I lived overseas and was in constant communication.

It may be that you'll never be able to forgive him for this. And I don't think that you necessarily have to or should. To me, a lot of it would have to do with how he justifies his actions. His attitude. And maybe that still wouldn't help. You can't just "will" yourself to "get over it".

One thing that people sometimes forget when they do things that they KNOW will hurt someone is that it's like crumpling up a piece of paper. You can try to straighten it out flat, but the paper will never be like it was before, and you can't get those damaging wrinkles out. And that's the relationship, or lack thereof, that has to be lived with because of that "crumpling". Your brother wadded up the family when he did this. Whether the paper will stay a crumpled ball, or whether it's smoothed out depends on all of you, and not just him.

I wish for your father a recovery that gives him quality of life and time with his loved ones. I hope that at least your brother and his parents come to an understanding. Not for your brother. For your parents.

This isn't about you. If your brother chose to go on vacation instead of being with your dad - that's on him. I think hes afraid of dad dying and doesn't want to see him in pain. I'm the same way. I don't like people seeing me crying. And I don't want to be in the same room with everyone else when someone is on their death bed. I can't handle everyone elses tears and pain.

Just tell your brother you don't want him to have any regrets if your dad does die. See if you can just get your dad and brother in a room together without everyone else. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You can't control other people's behavior.

Your brother was on vacation. I know it sounds cold, he had said his good-byes prior to his leaving. This vacation was planned. Typically cancelling a trip is expensive. And that's OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY - NOT HIS.

I would let it go. Everyone deals with life and death differently. He's a NURSE - he knows what is going on. He deals with this EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE. He has said what he needed to say.

I'm happy for you that your dad is still with you. My mom died in 6 days.

You might be upset that your in-laws aren't rich as well and offer to take you on vacation? I don't know. You seem pretty upset that he was on vacation. I GET where you are coming from. However, if he deals with life and death daily? He said what he needed to say and went with his family. How many people does he see on life support daily? When was he on life support? He was recovering from a heart surgery. Sounds like your dad has numerous health issues and it's upsetting.

You don't approach it. You accept that he said his good byes, went on a vacation with his family and took care of himself and his family as he knew how to. EVERYONE deals differently. You don't like how he dealt. He's an adult. He made choices. You say nothing to him.

ETA: Based on your SWH, you really are not going to let this go. You are still comparing and blaming. He takes too many vacations (more than you), visits less even though he has less children (one less than you). You can't imagine how they can possibly take 4 - 5 3 week vacations a year (I kind of doubt they are vacationing for nearly 1/3 of each year with 2 foster kids, but whatever). Why are you SOOOO focused on what HE is doing for your dad? Clearly there are some other underlying resentments that brought this out.

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So, your brother had a chance to say goodbye to Dad and was there for the initial surgery. Then, he goes on the vacation he has been planning, probably for a very long time. His presence would not affect the outcome of Dad's issues one little bit. You have other siblings and family members around the entire time, but you require the presence of this one specific sibling because of his job (which getting 3 weeks off from that job again would be nearly impossible)? Shame on all of you for guilting him when he got home. What does this even have to do with you?

I simply cannot agree with your decision to hang on to this - it is almost like you are blaming him for your dad's misfortune - the strokes, nurse dropping him, etc. What if he would have been in the military and couldn't get home? Is this because he was doing something for himself that is making you vilify him?

Let it go - not one single thing changed your dad's outcome with his absence, you had plenty of support during the critical times by other family members, and it is very possible that this brother ends up picking up slack later that you and your other siblings cannot. Everyone believes that the most important time is when the loved one is in the hospital. Nope, all the "fun" happens once they get home.

I totally get why you are upset with your brother. He disappointed you on many levels at an extremely stressful time. You, and your mom I suspect, wanted him there not just for emotional support but as the family member best able to communicate with the medical professionals. And in turn, communicate with all of you with all the medical mumble jumble in a way that everyone understood.

I, too would be upset that upon his return he still didn't assume the role you needed. He definitely didn't step up to the plate.

I am kind of surprised that your sister-in-law didn't insist that he stay with his family, considering the circumstances. I understand her going, since her family planned and financed the trip, but I think he should have stayed to be available for your family.

I think I would calmly talk with him and tell him how much it would help everyone for him to now take a bigger role to help everyone. Maybe not say how disappointed you and your mom were..he really has to know that already! Tell him what you need from him. Hopefully after talking to you he'll get where you are coming from.

Prayers for your dad, your family, and you.

I'm so sorry you and your family have gone through this! Prayers to your Dad as he heals! He must be very strong! I completely understand your frustration! Family is a peculiar thing. What you would do in a situation doesn't mean your sibling would even though you wouldn't see it any other way. If that was my Dad I would be like you....my brother on the other hand is a different story. Your Dad seems to be recovering and for the sake of your whole family, let it go. He knows. But look at the big picture...it's not worth losing him and his family. Your very lucky to have a big family & support!!! All the best to you & your family!!

Your brother set clear boundaries. I understand you and the rest of your family felt he should be with you at the hospital, but he chose not to. You can remain angry about it, even confront him, but you need to be clear on your objective and ask yourself if it's worth permanently damaging your relationship with him. I also understand being angry that he hurt your parents. In the end though, that is for THEM to resolve.

You and your other brothers did what you thought needed to be done. That's the decisions you made. Your brother did the same and you don't understand how he could choose to do that, you don't have to understand.

Stating that you work, have 3 kids and are doing your shift at the hospital doesn't matter. He doesn't feel like he can do that for whatever reason. I also think his reasons for that are none of your business and he doesn't have to justify one thing to any of you. He's a grown man with his own priorities and you have no idea what drives his choices.

Continue doing what you're doing because it's how you want to take care of your parents. Give your brother the benefit of the doubt. Because you don't understand how he could do this, you're going to let that negate all the positive he's done up until this time??

Please be careful how you proceed. How about saying when someone brings up how hurt they are about the whole situation that you say "you know he loves mom and dad as much as we do. I'm so glad Dad made it through this. Let's concentrate on counting our blessings."