Dad Pesters 2 Yr Old Daughter for Kisses

I do not understand this at all. Sounds like he is playing and asking for kisses from her. I did still do and still do! I still tickle when they said no, it's called affection and being playful.

Okay, with my son I was simmilar, still can be too ... "honey, can mommy have a kiss?"

"mmmm, nope."

a few min later,

"mommy still wants that kiss if you can spare one." at this point he may say no or yes or play his game of no... 2seconds later stealth plant one on me saying "I changed my mind"

For us the kiss pester game has always been that a game of tag almost and I am going to get as many kisses I can get before he is too cool to kiss his mom!

If he only does this for 2 seconds it's OK. Saying no and then yes can be a fun game. So can holding out for a second and third request. Since he doesn't keep asking until she says yes then this is not a problem. At 2, she doesn't really understand the meaning of no when used in this way and so it's not teaching her that Daddy doesn't recognize her boundaries. I suggest you need to let this go. It's definitely not a battle worth fighting.

I get where you're coming from regarding wantiing her no to mean no when it comes to her body....But I also think you are investing this whole issue with tremendous seriousness that it does not merit.

Bear in mind: She is two. At this age, many children say no to everything, or many things -- even things they actually want. It's both a control issue for them as they explore the idea that they have the power of no, and it's a game to them -- I can say no, and daddy and mommy give me attention because daddy's upset and mommy's cross with him.

Yes, even your "negative attention" is still attention to her and therefore, believe it or not, desirable to her. She might have learned that when she says no to daddy's request, she gets a rise out of him (his additional pleas equal more attention, so she refuses, and gets more pleas, what a fun game!) and then she gets a rise out of you too as you try to stop him. She doesn't see that it's negative, she only sees that she gets a reaction, and to her at two that is a great game. (Read up on toddlers and attention, and you'll see that it's true, if you just can't believe that she would find it a game to use no for a reaction from you.)

So -- I would stop making this, as Suz. T. posted below, a "hill worth dying on." It's clearly affecting you and your husband and causing some harsh words between you. Why empower her "no" that much? He asks; she says no, he retreats, you don't scold him for asking. He learns to retreat, you learn not to argue it with him, and most of all your child learns that she will no longer get an extended reaction out of this. She may be running away after his pleas but she is well aware that these interactions are making you and daddy talk about her, so it's all more attention. Remove the attention. You and your husband both need to be on board here, though. If she's your first child, you both might benefit from reading some good books about toddler behavior and your own expectations.

I bet that if he learns to ask only once, and when she says no he pulls a very exaggerated face and says, "Oh --I got a kiss this morning from mommy on THIS side of my cheek but if I don't get a kiss on this other side I'll be all lopsided and fall over..." and he then "falls over" on the couch -- she may come running back to "fix" him. But I wouldn't go beyond that and pester her if she doesn't come to kiss him.

Like others who have posted, I too see a little red flag here in the statement that "she has other preferences that we honor." Sure, everyone should have choices. But take care that at two she gets only very, very limited ones for two reasons: One, limiting choices reduces a child's frustration because young kids get overwhelmed with too much choice, and two, she should not be in charge of deciding things that affect your choices as an adult, such as picking her own dinner (do you want to prepare two dinners, or have her tell the adults what to eat?)

Ensure that she fits into the family but isn't its centerpiece --and over this issue of the kisses, she is definitely the center of attention in a way that is damaging not for her but for your relationship with your husband. Unite with him on this rather than setting up youself and your child agaiinst him.

Let it go. You're making too much of this. You aren't your husband and he's not you. And yes, she's only two. "Give me a kiss" from either one of you shouldn't elicit such debate. I promise you that she will not think she can't say "no" to a man later in life over this. However, she may learn not to trust men in general from your attitude if you don't learn to stop projecting your views on her.

Dawn

I think you over over thinking this just a bit. As long as he isn't actually forcing her to do it or punishing her for not doing it, then I don't see a problem with it. If you really trust your husband, then you need to just let this go.

I understand you want to empower your daughter, but be careful not to teach her that she gets to order her parents around. I only say this because you added the note about how you honor her requests for what she eats for dinner. She is 2 years old and by giving her this much authority, she will be running the whole household by her 3rd bday. If daddy wants a little smooch, she should give it to him and then go on with her day, it isn't asking too much.

I'm not even sure what to say. I see your side and to some degree agree with you...if this wasn't her father. I will pester mine when told no, but I'm mom just like he is dad.

From experience, every one of my grown children knows that no means no. There isn't a question of that, it just seems silly to argue over this. I will chase mine through the house till I get a kiss, it can be a fun game. It doesn't have to be about Independence and boundaries, that's just silly to think that a 2 year old get's to call 'all' the shots.

Awe, let daddy give his daughter a smooch!

My son, who turned 2 in late October, will give me hugs and kisses whenever I ask or whenever he just feels the need. My hubby on the other hand... Oh my god! You would think that my hubby beats this child, which he obviously doesn't, by the way that our son acts around him. He really does not like him. As soon as hubby gets in the door from work, Oliver just looks up and says "NO!" and gets a huge frown on his face. When hubby asks for a hug, Oliver will continuously say no and run away from him. If hubby just picks him up and kinda forces a hug on him (Which he doesn't so every day but does do sometimes because honestly... what dad wouldn't want a hug from their kid every now and again?) Oliver just FLIPS OUT and goes into full on 2 year old tantrum mode. I'm with these two every second of every day unless hubby is at work (I have no life, lol). I know that my hubby is a great father. I know that hubby has never EVER abused our son in any way. Yet, Oliver just will not give him a hug. So yes, he forces a hug upon him but it's the only way he'll get one until Oliver grows out of this phase.

Back to your question... Let the man give his daughter a kiss :)

While it's true that two-year-olds say no to a lot of things, and that not every no should be honored, this is one that should.
You can't honor her no if she says it to having her diaper changed, taking a bath, eating meals, or other matters that are basic survival/health issues.
Kissing Daddy is not one of those issues.
Kisses and other demonstrations of affection should never be against the will of either person involved, no matter who it is. Her kisses and hugs are hers to give or not give as she chooses.
Two is not to young to start feeling some ownership of her own body. Instilling that sort of independence in her is not neurotic.

the thing I think others are missing is that he doesn't insist and doesn't pester her until she changes her mind. In my mind, I'm seeing a 2 year old saying "No" to daddy who wants a kiss and daddy maybe begging a bit "Oh, come on, give daddy a kiss. Just one?" I see nothing wrong with it. He doesn't invalidate her "no" because in your own words, he doesn't pester her for more than 2 seconds and you don't say that he forces the issue. I don't know if your neurotic, but I really don't see the issue here.

btw, you let her decide what she's going to have for dinner? Way too much power for a 2 year old!

I remember torturing my little boys for kisses at that age, more of a game than anything else.
It's probably just a phase Dad is going through, he obviously loves his little daughter ;)
If she isnt crying and acting fearful, I'd let the game go on. It will only be temporary anyway.

ETA: boy, Leigh, I *LOVE* how you explained this. Thanks!

I think you are sort of overthinking this.

I'll be honest, with my preschoolers, I am very much "can I give you a hug?" "Do you want to be picked up?" (very RIE a la Magda Gerber) but with my son, we're pretty physically affectionate as a matter of course. Always have been.

We do honor "no/stop" esp. in light of tickling, because that can go from fun to NOT fun pretty quickly. With kisses, we often just plant one on him and if he's not interested, then we stop. We don't usually ask beforehand.

There's a certain balance necessary to parenting. Yes, no means no, and I also think that dads play and respond to their girls in different ways. Toddlers are KNOWN for their constant use of the word 'no', so your husband may feel like he wants to sneak a few kisses in before your daughter gets the "no" out. I'd say, let them find their own play style. Think about it-- if a toddler says no to nearly everything (and often, they do), Dad's out in the cold if he has to ask permission each and every time. This is one of the ways he wants to connect with her.

So, I'm not going to say you are neurotic, but that you might consider backing off a bit on this. See what happens. Yes, we all know that "no means no" when it comes to interpersonal relationships, however, do you also honor her 'no' when she doesn't want to get her diaper changed or take a bath or get dressed? Once again-- balance. Toddlers need their parents to make most of the decisions, not be asked to do it themselves. (Even in regard to dinner-- at this age, my son could choose from what's ON the plate, not from what's in the cupboard... I know what's best for him.) If your husband wants to sneak a smooch onto her cheek before she says no, let him. My guess (from a long time working with toddlers) is that unless she's regularly averse to kisses, that she's actually just practicing her "NO" the way most toddlers do and not probably so invested in 'setting boundaries'. Look for other cues, like her being fretful or squirming away, before you decide that he's crossing her boundaries, etc.

Don't feel bad-- it's all a balancing act. :) And if it feels too fraught, talk to a counselor together about it. I've noticed that for some of us, it's easy to project our experiences/fears onto our kids and make that the focal point of a disagreement instead of keeping it in the adult realm. And whatever you do, I wouldn't argue about it in front of her. That will likely make her feel confused or think that there is something to be upset about when Dad gives her a kiss.

My goodness. Even you say that your husband is not a pediphile.

yes, no should mean no.
but really, is this a hill worth dying on?
it's a daddy who wants a smoochie from his baby.
and she should not be dictating what she gets for dinner either.
khairete
S.

In our house no one is allowed to go to bed without a kiss goodnight. No matter what happens during the day we must all kiss and make up and go to bed on a pleasant note, so refusing kisses (at bedtime) wouldn't fly here! No one has ever outright refused a goodnight kiss, but I'm sure that some have been given grudgingly. If for some reason getting kisses was upsetting her I might look at it differently, but I think she is two and just trying to exert control. It is good to have some control, but not over your parents!

I'm with you. When it comes to expressions of affection, children should have a chance to say "no." Sooner or later, in 15 years, give or take, she's going to need to know how to do this. And sure, she's only 2 now, but that's when people learn the vital instinctual reactions that they'll need later on -- when they're 2.

I really recommend talking this over with your husband.

I also have this minor peeve with people who express affection by asking other people to express affection to them. Rather than "Aren't you a sweetie, give me a kiss," couldn't he say "Aren't you a sweetie, can I give you a kiss?" Just as loving and affectionate, but it gives her a chance to claim her personal space.

Your two year old should not be able to tell daddy how to act.

2s have so little they can control so they say no to everything. For a bit, my DD wouldn't say good night or good bye because if she didn't say it, it didn't happen, right? I would tell him not to take it personally and just say "good night" or whatever the situation is. My DD has come around and peppers DH with kisses - and we have also learned that she doesn't like whiskers, so if he has a 5 o'clock shadow, she'll kiss his nose. It's cute. My SD used to hold onto DD til she complied with a kiss and that was mean. I told SD to stop. If he does let go after just a few seconds, then I wouldn't worry. But if he's really demanding or holding her hostage, revisit the issue.

Also, bear in mind that some preferences children have should not be honored, so take time periodically to discuss what boundaries you feel your child should have so that you and DH are on the same page (and listen to his input, too).

Yes, she should be able to say no and not forced to kiss anyone, even her own mom or dad. From a young age, kids need to know that they are in charge of their own bodies, and even when mom or dad would never do or mean anything inappropriate, these important lessons start at home. If she has any checkups in the near future, I'd bring dad along and have a discussion with the doc about this subject, I bet he or she would be on your side.

This can be normal with a first time dad..
We had some of this too when our daughter was so cute as a toddler.

I had to remind my husband that he is the dad, not her brother.

This means that if he does not listen to her saying no.. she is not going to honor his "no" when she is acting up. I was able to give him so examples of when she continued behaviors without listening to him.

I also reminded him, that she was going to think her no's in the future.. do not mean anything to the future men in her life. boys at school, boyfriends, other grown men and her husband.

Dads do play differently than moms.. This is good. We want and need a fathers influence on their children, but sometimes, they get a little to excited.

Leigh FTW.

Seriously. Read her post again. It's perfect.

You both are right. I would choose your battles wisely though----it could turn into a much bigger issue. Talk to him and just ask him if he will stop asking repeatedly. Then see what happens. Its good for your 2 year old to know that she can say no. But at the age she is at, she will be saying NO! for alot of things.

I think no means no when it comes to bodies and personal space. And it's not about knowing as an adult that no means no. It's about knowing it as a young child, in case she does come across someone questionable.

But I think repeated asking for kisses is fine. I just think he shouldn't force kisses on her. If he keeps asking, he gives her more opportunities to say no, so that's fine.

I completely agree with you. A child should be able to decide when they want to receive or give affection. Will feelings be hurt? Yes. It is hurtful to ask your kid for a hug or kiss and be turned down. Every parent has been there. I have been there. I make a good pouty face. :( In my house, kid kisses from us to them and them to us are only on the cheek or head, not the lips. Its not that way in all of our relatives houses, and it drives me nuts. Especially when these relatives try to kiss my kids. Again, for me, it's about setting proper touch boundaries.)

Anyway, I have a sister that is like your husband. Whenever she arrives, she expects a kiss and hug from my kids and when they don't comply she will get mad, go over and demand a kiss and hug. They are now 11 and 9 and she has done this with each of them since birth. When they started talking and saying no, she would get so mad and hurt. Make them give me a kiss. Nope. Not gonna happen. They get to decide.

The only exception where I step in is if it is a relative that they haven't seen in a long time that is getting ready to leave. Then I MIGHT make them do it.

Hi! I have the same thing with my husband too. He loves the kids, and loves to show and give affection. But my kids don't want it all the time. And not always when he wants, they want. So I started to explain to my husband, "If you wanna give a person love you hafto give it in THEIR language." When its given in their language, they will accept it easier. For him its hard, cuz he would want to hug and kiss them tight all the time when he's around. But they don't like it. I told him to look into their eyes, and check what it is they're ready for. What they will accept. Sometimes they just want a warm smile. A listening ear to tell they're kids stories. Even a hug they don't want a tight one always. Sometimes just a pat in the back is perfect. Or a casual hug. I see that the more he gives his love in this way, the more they want his tight hugs, and kisses. But if he does it his old way they wanna get out of his lap. They go out of the room...
I really admire you. I completely agree with you! Some men don't understand this by themselves, and have to be taught. I believe kids are small people. And we have to respect their needs. I like to give my kids a choice of what to wear. Its not everyday. I show them 2 outfits from which they can choose. They feel so good abt it. Super I usually don't give them any options. I can give them options at super if they wanna have a plate like mommy (chicken, side dish, vegetables) in one plate together, or if they wanna eat it separately.
Good luck to you!!!

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

No means no. If your husband can't respect that - how is she supposed to have other men respect that??

NO MEANS NO.

You are not being neurotic. You are trying to show your husband that NO MEANS NO. STOP MEANS STOP. It's THAT simple.

Tell him that if he continues down this path of FORCING her to give kisses AFTER STATING NO - boys will do the same and worse. Does he want to teach her that "NO" doesn't mean "NO" when HE wants it? First kisses then what? What happens when she is older?

She should be able to say NO. He SHOULD RESPECT HER ENOUGH TO STOP!!!