My daughter is 10, and has what I consider to be the "usual" friend issues. Please let me know if this is not normal! It's how I remember it was when I was younger...
Sometimes my daughter will come home upset that one of her friends did something. Usually it's one of her friends left her out, or they didn't text her back or they chose a different friend as a partner. She'll be upset for a day or two, and then next thing you know she's back to being good friends with them again. Then a week or two later it's something else with someone different. I try to do what I can to help her navigate through these social issues, whether it's just listening or offering her advice for the next time.
Her father doesn't understand that this is how little girls are! So if she's mad at Friend A, then a few weeks later she wants a playdate with Friend A and her father is like "No way, she did XYZ to you, you shouldn't be friends with her anymore, she's not a real friend!."
Now, none of these things are chronic. As in she has a friend that constantly excludes her or bullies her (we wouldn't allow that). I've just noticed that girls seem to go in stages as to who is their current "bestie" so one week they may choose "Emily" as their bestie and always pick her for a partner and then the week after that it's "Sarah."
She's had all these girls over at our house at one time or another and I've found them all to be nice, typical 10-year old girls. No girl is perfect! They tend to be bossy at times, or dramatic or they can't agree on stuff and then they're playing just fine a few minutes later. My daughter is no angel, she is a sweetie but she has her moments as well.
My daughter is planning her birthday party and she keeps naming girls she wants to invite. Her father is vetoing all the girls because she has complained about something they did at one point or another! At this rate, she will have 2 girls to invite total! I don't want my daughter to invite girls just to invite them, but she is naming girls I know she's good friends with (and went to their birthday parties and had a wonderful time!) and I know their parents so I know they are fine. (One girl he vetoed because the mom was giving me trouble at cheerleading--and I thought that was ridiculous because what the mom does has no bearing on the child!)
My daughter is in her room crying right now because she wants to invite her friends and she's confused because her father is telling her no, and that these girls aren't very nice.
I don't know what to do...help!
Yes, hubby is wrong.
Her behavior is typical of the age for both girls and boys.
Why is he telling her no? Because he doesn't like them? I'd have a sit down with him and explain how kids are because I think he's missing a big lesson here.
he will never understand girls. talk to him and let him know its HER birthday party to invite who she wants and that you know how girls are that they are friends and that she does want to invite them
"Honey I love you, but you are sitting in a pile of 10 y/o girl drama. Mind if I handle it?"
Talk to him and gently take over the party planning. This is obviously not his area of expertise. He can't help it if he doesn't get it or even like it, he's a boy after all.
I've got an 11-year-old girl and though there's really minimal drama, I can tell you, please do not go to her as someone said and tell her it's her fault -- she is the one badmouthing the girls so daddy is reasonably defending her. Please don't do that!
It will make her clam up and not tell you in the future when there are little dramas. Sure, you want to keep her from being over-involved in drama, BUT you also want to ensure that she feels she can always -- always! -- tell you anything. Even little things like who didn't choose her for a class partner. Because just knowing all those little things helps you as the parent figure out the bigger picture of how she's doing, how she's really feeling, and how other kids really are.
So I would not go to her and say she's the problem here, or that her own decision to tell you things is wrong. You really do need her to tell you things, even stuff that sounds like drama (just be cool when you hear it and don't react much -- sounds like you do not and that's smart!).
As others say, I would tell Dad to back off and that this is totally, utterly typical. HE is making it into a larger thing in his child's mind. He is going to drive the drama by vetoing kids -- the kids your daughter wants to invite, whom he excludes, will assume SHE is the one excluding them and that could lead to some much bigger drama. I'm certainly not saying that she should ever invite kids just out of fear they'll create problems later -- no child should do that. But if she is currently friends with someone, it's her choice to invite that person now.
The things you describe do not sound like much serious drama anyway. He doesn't get that. You'll need to be pretty firm with him, from what you describe. Send him to the web sites someone else posted; he needs to learn much more about girl dynamics at this age or you will have similar issues from now through high school!
Ummm -how about telling your husband it's HER party -she can invite who she wants! Is HE also 10? He sounds like it! One of the most important things she'll ever learn is to decide for herself who she likes and wants to be friends with and how she should allow them to treat her. No problem with some parental input at all, but he's being ridiculous.
You are dead on. This is what they are like at this age. They still go back and forth to an extent in high school. It is normal. She should still be able to invite them. If everyone thought like him, the parties at this age would be tiny :(
I really dont think your husband understands. Maybe if he reads the responses... which i think we agree.... he will get it.
Forgive and Forget at this age.... unless they really are harming her.
EDITED:
we have a counselor at our elementary school. she deals with these issues all of the time. i think she calls them conflict resolution. this teaches them to talk about the issue and move on. we could learn from this as adults. i dont find it "drama". i find it very helpful :)
Oh you are totally right! I'm still friends with 4 girls who I went to elementary school with and we sure had those mean girl moments with each other. It's just how things go. Tell your husband that this is one of those Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus things. Then let her invite who she wants.
I do agree with Mallory P though that perhaps this is a lesson for your daughter in knowing who to vent to. Dad means well but doesn't get it and you do. That doesn't mean that she should pull away from him or not freely share, but she should know that Dads want to fix things. Maybe she can work on emphasizing that she's just venting and knows that things will be OK and doesn't want anyone "fixing" what is a normal social situation for a girl.
I am surprised at your husband because typically boys/guys have a knock-down drag-out fight with their friends and are over it...back to being friends while girls/women tend to hold a grudge FOREVER. Talk to your husband, out of your daughter's presence or earshot. Explain to him that little girls can be dramatic and petty AND many times when there are three together, one almost always gets their feelings hurt. Rest assured, the others have gone home complaining about your daughter too.
I have told my husband in the past "this is girl stuff, I'm handling it". He just looks at me with grateful eyes and says "okay, thanks"! Then he asks "is this normal girl stuff"? I'm like "yep"! He says "I will never understand girl stuff", I said "nope"!
With our son, its the "boy stuff". I don't get it, I don't want to get it, that is his department!!!!
They are now 23 and 19. Don't have as much drama, but still some!
There are some things that a man should have no say in... This is one of those things :)
http://www.scholastic.com/resources/article/the-moody-blues
http://www.medicinenet.com/tween_child_development/articl...
http://www.kidsdevelopment.co.uk/emotionaldevelopmentchil...
http://www.pamf.org/teen/parents/health/growth-11-14.html
http://tweenparenting.about.com/od/physicalemotionalgrowt...
http://tweenparenting.about.com/od/physicalemotionalgrowt...
Your daughter is a "Tween." Tweens are from 9-12 years old.
Have yourself and/or your Husband, read about Tween Girl Development and their emotions, hormones, etc. Google search it.
Apart from this, a child this age would benefit from parental guidance on how to CHOOSE friends. It is not an inherent ability. It is taught and from example.
A good book series for girls this age, is the "American Girl" book series. There is one topic on friends. And many other good topics in this series. You can get it from any bookstore.
My daughter is 9. She has good friends. She has not yet, gotten all this drama amongst her group of friends. But some of her classmates, are.
A daughter, benefits a great deal, from her relationship with her Dad....
I have a daughter.
And yes, girls vent. Just like adult women do. It is what we do.
Girls having or creating "drama" or problems can also be a "habit."
It is not a have to, thing.
Teach your daughter about that.
Social interactions and friendships, are so full of emotions at the Tween and Teen ages. But if they don't learn how to navigate it, then they become adult women, with the same issues.
Guide her. They also learn from real life problems. Guide her.
A person or child, can "choose" what to get tangled up in or not.
Dad needs to listen to what you are saying..
If he continues, his daughter is not going to share her feelings or what is going on in her life. He is overreacting..
ANY 10 year old has all of this drama going on in one way or another..
Girls are like women.. We like to vent. We like to talk.. we DO NOT need a man to solve our problems.. Aren't you like this? I bet you have had this exact conversation with him before, but about yourself..
We are just saying it out loud..
Just remind him,, she is just sharing.. she is not trying to get him to protect her or solve this..
When she does want his help.. She is going to ask for it.. Or he should ask her, "do you want me to help you solve this? Or do you want me to just listen?"
Communication is a beautiful thing.. He needs to learn this before the real preteen ~teen years arrive..
Kids get over stuff way faster than adults do. I myself tend to remember slights and nasty little girl drama issues long after my daughter has moved on. I think you need to remind your DH that your DD was VENTING to you about some issues with these girls that have since been resolved. If your DD was still hurting, she wouldn't want them to come to her party. Your DH needs to accept that DD's friends are children, and children are not perfect, they are still learning through experience all about what it means to be a good friend. I'm sure DD has and will make some mistakes with friends too. Does your DH want people to never forgive or forget every little bad childish judgement she makes too? Your DD has a big heart to want to be inclusive and let go of past issues, she should be allowed to have those girls are birthday guests. Sorry your DH is still holding grudges. I hope for your DD that he comes around. I think he is just trying to be protective, though, and doesn't want her to be hurt again. You can empathize with him on that point, but since you and your DD feel the issues in the past are small and done and over, he should move on as well.
this isn't typical of just girls ... it's typical of boys at this age also. It's just the age. Elementary school (especially before 6th grade) is VERY much like this. It's normal.
Now if they were being bullies or being hurtful and spiteful and mean on purpose then I'd agree with hubby. But from what I can tell it's normal behavior. \
You be congress and override dad's veto and let her have the slumber party with who she wants.
Overrule your husband and just tell him that he doesn't understand. It's a female thing. That's all very typical 10 year old girl stuff. If anything, it sounds tame. I remember having all out wars with my besties end up not speaking to them and then being best of friends a week later. It's all part of the girlfriend dynamic. Girls are emotional and verbal. They take things personally, vent and complain about them, usually end up talking it out and then move on.
Wow, sorry to hear this. My husband stays MILES away from girl drama, or woman (sister, mother, bff) drama, for that matter.
Seriously, why does he even care? It's your daughter's party, her friends, her issues. Unless he feels like he's been drug into this unwillingly I don't understand. Let your daughter manage her friendships. Support her and guide her but ultimately she needs to figure out who she wants to be friends with.
I've heard of women micromanaging and controlling their daughters' social lives, but dads? That's a new one :(
Boy, Dad needs to step back. It is her birthday party.... let her invite who she wants. Let this be a lesson for your daughter though... people who love you have longer memories about people who hurt you. And a lesson for your husband: Just because someone complains about someone doesn't mean that they hate the person. What would he say if she told him that HE was being mean and not nice, and so she shouldn't invite HIM to her party! ?
It is my understanding that girls are "like that". My own daughter is almost 11, but I haven't really seen that sort of behavior from her or her friends. I hope it stays that way... but I know one day it will. We don't like a lot of "drama" here, and maybe your husband is like that too. But he needs to relax a little and give your daughter some leeway to choose her friends. Let her learn about relationships with other girls and how they work.
Overrule your husband and tell your daughter not to complain around dad any more.
Well, he's right...they're not nice. Being a drama princess does not have to mean being hateful, spiteful, etc. All of these girls should be taught a better way to "be friends". I call my son on this....everytime I see it happen. & his friends, too.
As for the party, I'm torn. I see her/your need to have a friends' party, but I honestly would vote for something small ....with her best friends, not the whole group.
Sorry! I always vote for the least-drama!
I think you should start out by explaining to her WHY her father does not like these girls. Because SHE badmouths them all at one point or another. It should really not be that hard for you, or her, to understand. She brought her drama home and her father has done what any reasonable person would do after hearing about these *lovely* young women. SO it is up to her to now explain to her Dad that she was wrong in her estimation of these girls and make him the promise that she will not do this again. And then make sure that she sticks to it.
Thank GOD I have boys that is all that I have to say. My oldest is 10 and I see none of this BS with him and his friends. And I am not saying that you are like this but kind of get the picture that you might be from the cheerleading story.....try if you can to stay out of the drama. I see the moms of girls investing themselves in their girl's social lives and it just adds fuel to the fire besides making htemselves look extremely immature.
I agree w you 200%, if we didn't invite any girl that our daughters had girl drama with (a some point), there would be no one left! Lol Girls have drama, and lots of it, mostly because of silly things. Your husband needs to understand that we get over it, and move on,
I agree with your husband...a good friend doesn't do nasty things to another friend. I call it being fake or she just wants to invite them, because she wants to be with the "in" group. These are not your real friends. They are friends that want things from you.
