FRIENDSHIP Problems with 10 Year Old Girls - NEED ADVICE QUICK !

First off, when someone leaves their child with you and doesn't come back for them or make arrangements for them to be picked up at a designated time it is considered parental abandonment, contact your local PD if this ever happens again, they will take a child or children into protective custody and then the parents get to sort it out with social services. Perhaps such an intervention is exactly what Susie's parents need to help them get their priorities straight.

Secondly, I would be so proud of my daughter if she said she would rather have a friend for a short time than not at all, I believe she really understands that friendships don't always stay the same. Not that I would want her to ever be hurt again (which sadly she will be at some point,) but she has thought it through, and being willing to take a risk shows so much maturity for her almost 10 years!

Thirdly, go easy on Susie, she is a product of the dysfunctional chaos in her life. It doesn't mean you excuse her behavior, but you know why she is the way she is.

The tween and teen years are filled with so much drama, you can't get involved every time, your job is to build up your child and watch her blossom as she learns from her experiences Take a step back from the situation, encourage her maturity and tell your daughter to decide what she is comfortable with and to go with that, and that you will support her decision whatever it is. I hope she has a great 10th birthday!

I know your focus is on your daughter.

But why didn't you call child protective services when two parents abandoned a child with you for 48 hours?

Did I read this right? She was with you from Friday until Sunday. With no one even missing her absence.

Please see the bigger picture here. This child was dumped at your home and you didn't go beyond calling her parents? The parents are not some old friends of yours or people you even are well acquained with. They obviously put their own selfish agendas ahead of their child. It's too late now for you to call CPS or whoever, but it's not too late for you to teach your own daughter that sometimes people behave in ways we don't like - not because they are bad people but because they are in bad circumstances and do whatever they have to do to get through things. Your girl is old enough for you to explain to her that in a "family" where the mom and dad do not even bother to fetch their child from a stranger's house -- the child is going to reach out to anyone and everyone for friendship.

I would tell my daughter that Susie needs understanding and forgiveness for bouncing from friend to friend, and that Susie does not need to be her BFF but she can be pals with her, and if she wants to invite Susie to her party, fine. But not to hold out hope for close friendship, only to be there and be kind even if Susie is not always kind. She does not have to entangle herself with Susie but she should at least be understanding. Hard at 10, I know, but Susie really has issues that are not of her making.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. The parents are careless & manipulative and so is their kid. I would not encourage a friendship with this girl.

Do you have your daughter in any type of team activity or sport? That can be a great way to meet like minded friends that are doing something positive & that she has something in common with.

I'd have the party and invite all the girls and focus on team-building games and friendship activities. Set the example. Make your home the Safe Place.

Two things...Have your daughter tell Suzie that she doesn't want to be her friend, but she is welcome to come to the party as a guest. Let your daughter not get emotionally attached to Suzie to break her heart again, and see if she can find some other friends to connect with. Suzie needs her more than she needs Suzie.

My daughter is 10 and it's all kinds of drama central! I try to take it all with a grain of salt, they're only 10 for crying out loud. My daughter changes BFFs every other week. I don't get too involved with who her friends at school are but will only let the friends I think are good influences come over to our house and vice versa. There's not much I can do about her school friends but if I can lean her towards the nice kids at home of for play dates I do. I wouldn't worry about it too much, the whole friends thing is a moving target.

Well, the whole family seem to be users. I'm sorry, but I would have called social services about the weekend when no one would come get the girl. What if she had been left at the school?

Tomorrow, tell your daughter to call Susie back and tell her that her parents said this is a family weekend, "See you at school". Then hightail it down to the school on Monday and go see the guidance counselor. Explain this saga to her and ask her if she would have a group meeting with the girls involved. When I was young, something like this happened and our guidance counselor got all the girls together and facilitated talking the whole thing out. It worked. All those little skeletons came out of the closet. The counselor asked A LOT, "How did that make you feel?" And she spread it around so that the instigator wasn't the whole conversation. The girls who held grudges against each other (due to the manipulation of one girl) needed to SEE what had happened between themselves. It made a huge difference. AND what it did was put everyone on equal footing so that Ms. Manipulator didn't have power anymore.

Tell your guidance counselor what I said. It worked way back when. I believe it will work now. If she is good at working with a group, she will be good at this. I hope you can get her to do it.

Good luck,
Dawn

Jeez - just deal with the situation at hand. Are you going to condem a 10 yr old when she already has what you believe to be crappy parents? "BFF" is wrong. Kids need lots of multiple friends and you are extending this drama. What's the big deal? Just move forward with the moment - if your daughter wants to hang out with her, fine - more than one strike your out rule right? But she should have lots of friends and her happiness shouldn't be affected at all by this one girl!?!?!?

Girls this age do that, but this Susie should be a distant friend not a BFF. Susie does come from a dysfunctional family and I would keep her at arms length since the parents can't be trusted.

Go ahead and invite the group to the party since that will be fun for your dd. Your daughter will be in middle school before you know it and there will probably be a whole new group before you know it. Also, if your elementary school is big enough, she'll have new kids in her class next year which will change the whole group dynamic. Just tell her to hold on, school is almost out and she won't be confronted with all this drama every day.

I agree with GrammaRocks!

So, my advice: Let her do what she wants and just be there for her if/when she needs you if she gets hurt again. Which there is a good chance she wont, IMO...Suzie probably really truly realized how much fun your daughter was and wants her friendship back.

I think your DD should tell Susie that she appreciates her apology, but she isn't up to instantly going right back to being BFFs. She can tell Susie that she does want to be school friends with her, and with a lot of other girls too, rather than have a BFF right now.

(BTW my 10 year old had a close friend at the start of the year, and when they started to go in different directions with a lot of fighting and drama, she decided the girl was going just be a school friend. And they are friendly at school, and they sometimes play at recess and such. But no more playdates and sleepovers, and my DD is very content with that decision.)

I would not jump right back in to inviting her over for playdates and out with you. I would feel used by all of the treating your family has done for her. Watch and wait. As soon as your DD tells Susie she isn't comfortable with instantly going back to being BFFs, Susie may pull away in a nasty way. If it's BFF or nothing else for Susie, she and your DD may not be compatible. As for the party, if it's several or most of the girls in the class, I would invite Susie. It wouldn't feel right to exclude her. If it's just a small group, 3-4, I would be comfortable not inviting her. It's OK just to invite your closest friends. If Susie asks your DD about it, she can tell her "I'm sorry, its just a small party and I only invited a few girls I'm closest to and playing with the most right now. I couldn't invite all of my friends this year, or this time.

Okay, all the "drama" is very normal at this age, so whatever you do don't make it into something it's not. These are little girls, not grown women, they are learning. TALK to your daughter about Susie, talk about what it means to be a good friend, how much she's willing to tolerate, etc. In other words, maybe your daughter doesn't mind being friends with someone who runs hot and cold. Girls change their BFFs like they change their socks.

The bigger issue is the fact that Susie's parents abandoned her for TWO DAYS!!! I can't even fathom that. I think a police report should be filed. I mean, I would hate to make it worse for Susie but that is very serious thing. What did they say when they picked her up? What did you say? I would have been incredibly angry (not in front of the kids of course.)

I have seen this a lot lately and I don't understand it. Why must everyone have one friend? Both my daughters had many friends, they were friends in groups. Granted it was always best to keep the group even numbers in case of some pairing off thing but still no one had a best friend. My older daughter is 22 and still hangs out with this group when she is home.

So I guess what I am saying is invite everyone, nurture the group. If you can get that going there isn't the drama you just described.

Oh and as the ex of a dad you described, after five years I may have said the same on the picking up of the kid. Granted five minutes later I would have called back. You just don't know what it is like to have an ex that drops the ball more times than he catches it. :(

Gosh, what a difficult situation. I think I would try to talk to my daughter about what being a friend means and how they should treat each other. It would be nice if your dtr could draw her own conclusion that Susie is really not a friend and that she (your dtr) deserves better.

I'm sad this stuff happens so early.

I think I'm with GrammaRocks on this one. If your daughter wants to invite Susie, let her invite Susie. Your daughter knows what to expect from her, and so do you. You can talk about it before and after.

Possibly there might be a little closure to the whole thing this way. At the very least, you and your girl would be demonstrating grace to a child who seems to need some, even though she doesn't know a thing about being gracious herself.

My younger daughter has taught elementary school for twelve years and she sees this sort of thing all the time - all the little cliques and friend-switching - even before there was this BFF terminology. It's very difficult for both the children and the parents (and the teachers). But it seems to come with the age - and, sometimes, with the end of the school year! Don't pass permanent judgment on Susie on the basis of this. This whole drama has happened in a matter of only two months. In the next few months you may discover that Susie has learned some things - hopefully good ones.

I do feel for you. It sounds to me as if you may be even more hurt than your daughter. You helped the neglected girl, which was right, and now have the "After all I did for her" feelings. Try to get over them, or at least get them under control; it's not that you shouldn't feel strongly, but *your* girl is watching you and learning right now whether helping another person for no reward is really a "sucker" thing to do or not.

I would have her invite all of the girls that susie did this to-and not susie. Alone at a party together they are free to get to know eachother and solidify a friendship. Susie is trouble and should be avoided from here on in. And you as a parent should be very leery of taking in a child like this. The next thing you know susie gets hurt at your house and you are taken to the bank by these parents who "didn't care." Or worse-she lies about you or DH to her parents.

What GrammaRocks said.

The best way to inure your daughter from "drama" is not to get involved in "drama" yourself. Teach your daughter how to take what is best from people and ignore the rest.

They are only ten. Don't overdramatize this. And have pity for that poor neglected girl.

That is a toxic relationship and it will only end up hurting your daughter more in the long run to allow this manipulating and hurtful behavior to continue between her and Susie.

Like I stated in a previous post, I had a bully just like Susie when I was that age. She would reel me in and say we were best friends when she knew she could get something out of it (party invite, weekend trip with us, etc) and as soon as she got what she wanted she would throw me to the sharks AND manipulate my other friends into believing I was the bad guy. I was the one left alone when she was the one walking away with all of my friends. It was devastating for me.

It was really hard for me to understand what was happening at that age and it took me years to really get over it. I have kids of my own now and I still get upset thinking about it.

Do not invite that child to the party. If you daughter still has a hard time finding good friends at school (Susie is probably at the root of that) then take your daughter to your neighborhood park to meet friends from your block, or enroll her in a program outside of school where she can meet friends without Susie influencing the situation (dance, karate, gymnastics, swimming, etc).

Explain to your daughter why Susie is a negative influence, and see how she feels about making some new friends and starting a new activity and how fun that will be for her. Hopefully a new activity will excite her enough to forget about the bully and she will have the opportunity to meet some genuine friends.

Please keep us posted on how everything goes! Good luck!

I would advise your daughter to tell Susie that she was right, they should be OK friends for now and developing a BFF friendship takes time. I also do not think it is too late to call CPS. Susie's parents need to be parents, and one of these days she could BFF someone who would get her involved in some very bad things. I would also remind your daughter that friends don't talk bad about each other behind each others backs. If Susie would do that to the other girls, she is likely doing the same to your daughter. Teach her that it is ok to have people as OK friends - acquaintences, and not everyone is good BFF material.

You have some great advice.
I agree do not get directly involved yourself but do stay informed of what's happening in their relationship. This is great "practice" for staying connected to your daughters social life through communication with her.
Talk with her in general terms about friendship, loyalty, expecting her friends to treat her well.
If you help her develop the social skill and self worth she will make the right choices when it comes to less than stellar "friends". Maybe her life lesson is to be hurt by Susie again and as hard as that will be for you to watch you'll have to let her make that decision.
I will say that niether of my girls has ever allowed themselves to be treated that way twice. My 9 year old just went through something similar a few months ago and the little girl who "dumped" her has been desperately trying to get her to be a BFF again. My daughter is polite and friendly to the girl but has decided she does not want to be close friends with someone who would try to hurt her that way. We talked a lot about when someone "shows you who they are" you need to pay attention and both my girls have seen the same "drama queens" manipulate and control year after year.
I wish I could say it doesn't last long but my oldest is nearly 14 and still has to deal with this stuff. Something tells me they are not going to just suddenly grow up in high school either!

Try to help your daughter learn how not to "give her heart" to just one friend. BFF's are FOREVER, but not because we force it, it just happens, over time. Help her learn how to have a group of friends, how to float around. Friends for "short times" really isn't a bad thing, things change in people's lives all the time. People drift back and forth, the good ones always come back. I had a BFF in elementary school, but I also played with others with her, we just gravitated together, like odd little magnates. In High school I had 2 BFF, once again we just "magnate-ed". Let your daughter be friends with this girl, but no more special "treats" for her. You are not her mother as sad as it is. You don't want to enable this little one to farther choose friends simply because she can get something from them. Help your daughter to be casual friends with this, hang out a school, maybe a texting/call only on weekends and a weekend sleepover once a month or so with her. But make sure your daughter's calling/texting, sleeping over with other friends too. Someone will stick.

There's a song, "Make new friends but keep the old, some are silver and some are gold.". All are precious.

Story: My parents have been friends with a certain couple for a couple of decades, over multiple moves and a few countries. My parents moved from Alaska to Florida, they lost contact, then one day B and K were announced as the new pastor and wife of a local church we just happened to drive by one night. They my family moved to Saudi Arabia, they kept in touch this time, we spent summers with them, sharing their home. Now they're both in Alaska again and though they have their own lives once a week they still play cards and know that if they need anything B an K and my parents are always there to help each other.