Daughter Being Left Out...

I have 2 girls, and we have neighborhood drama, as did I when I was growing up. My 10 year old hates hanging out in the neighborhood in a group of 3 or even 4. Someone always gets left out. But with one friend at a time, she will have a great time with anyone who wants to play. We continue to work on making plans ahead of time, so she's not stuck spontaneoulsy facing more company than is comfortable. A simple "I'm sorry those girls aren't playing very nicely, let's go the playground, or call Suzi today." I would not talk to the other Moms. I would start refocusing her into activities and playdates with other friends. If you notice she is lingering in their company while really not being included or treated very nicely, I would coach her choosing to stand up for herself, and/or simply leaving and actively seeking out other kids who will have more fun playing together without all the drama.

Welcome to the world of girls...
They are so catty! I've had to nurse my share of tears with my own daughter. Girls can be so mean! I always try to have her play with just one friend, or have an even number of girls play. Otherwise one always inevitably gets left out. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't. Just love her and comfort her the best you can, and use it as a teaching moment. I always say, "I sure hope you never do that!" Or, when I do catch her playing favorites, I pull her aside and say, "Remember when you were left out? Remember how sad you were? Go ask Sally to joing you guys."

I know it is heartbreaking! The same thing happens to my daughter. As stated in the response below, I use it as a teaching moment and tell my daughter that friends do not treat each other that way. My daughter does not leave other kids out when she plays because she know how it feels. Being the one left out has taught my daughter how to be a good friend to others and also how to recognize the qualitites in other children that make them good friends. Not to say that she still doesn't play with the kids who will leave her out as soon as someone better comes along, but she now calls them her friends, but not her "bestes" friends. And it still hurts her at times, I just encourage her to play with her other friends more and to call the 2 in the neighborhood less (the 2 that exclude her when it is the 3 of them). I also try to make her not available every time they want to play with her, let them know she has other things to do. My daughter is 8 now and understands alot better than when she was 6, but it still a problem and have been told it always will be.

I am sorry, it hurts so much to go through this and worse to watch your children go through it. With that said, these are important experiences and I do hope that you are not rescuing her from them. They give her the opportunity to learn empathy by suffering a little and in the end, it is not going to be what makes or breaks her life. It also gives her an opportunity to practice drawing boundaries of acceptable behavior toward her. She gets the chance to define the line that her friends can't cross and remain her friends. That is an incredibly powerful experience for a young girl, to discover for herself what she is worth.

We've all gone through it, and unless it is bullying that is really affecting her daily function, please step back and let her have the experience. Everyone who survives adolescense, which is most of us, is a better person for it, don't you think?

I would not demonize the other girls, either. I would talk about how their behavior makes your dd feel, but not say that they are bad people. They aren't. I would say that sometimes we get carried away in relationships, but we should make an effort to think of everyone. I would ask her how she feels, so that she feels like someone cares about her and I would tell empathetic stories of my own experiences so that she knows it's not her, that's just life.

She will be OK. How about arranging more visits from friends outside the 'hood?

Part of the problem is that there are three of them. When I was 6 I had 2 friends who did not get along and they always wanted me to pick who to play with but they didn't want to play together--no way to win and make everyone happy. Is there another girl she can play with either individually or as a group of 4? You could also try putting your daughter in some kind of summer activity where she can meet new friends. At least she will have some other kids to hang out with when the girls in the neighborhood are not being nice. If the other girls see it is not getting your daughter all that upset it may pass quicker (it might even be worth faking it temporarily). There are some good books on female aggression and relational aggression that weren't around when we were kids.

I totally agree with all three responses so far! Great advice from each one of them - really.

As the mother of 2 daughters (now 15 and 19) I've seen my share of catty little girls. I guess that is just how they are - they were the same when I was young, even when there were 4 of us that were tight in 4th grade, we'd always trade up the teams of 2 and 2, and it always seemed like the other pair were having sooo much more fun!!
As everyone said, it's a learning moment - and a great opportunity to instill that lesson of kindness. It worked well with my girls - my youngest is wheelchair-bound and has always been the one left out at one time or another, probably more than most. But she's the one who took the lesson well, and always tries to bring in those who aren't being included. I've never met a kinder person.
I think the idea of having another outlet for your daughter outside of the neighborhood group is excellent. Maybe some kind of sport, or a club or an art class. Your neighborhood "Rec Dept" may have something fun. Even a local church may have a youth group or kids club. Don't be surprised if all the neighborhood girls want to join up, though after seeing your daughter having a great time without them!
Its so hard when you can't take their place in the "heart-ache" department.

As a mom of 2 girls and founder of our local girls' club and leader of 2 Girl Scout troops, this is a topic that has been talked about extensively in our lives. Every girl seems to go through it. Some learn from it and learn empathy, others learn how to gain power over others and become the shunner. Moms can see their child as the victim, but don't see it when their child is the cause. So make sure your daughter does learn empathy from it. Discuss with her how it makes her feel to be left out so in the future she doesn't repeat the behavior on the playground.

So for now, have her talk about what it means to be a good friend and what types of qualities she looks for in a friend. If these girls don't fit in to what she wants a friend to be then it is ok to move them down on her friendship tier and focus on the friendships that make her happy and drama-free. Invite other girls over, make other plans, etc. Some girls don't even have neighbors to play with - remember them and include them in your summer plans.

And in my experience, these things blow over fairly quickly. The middle girl may get tired of being bossed around and crave your daughter's attention again once she figures out that she has pushed her away.

I used to think talking to the other moms about it would be helpful, but I've learned that this is NEVER helpful. It always backfires, because again - the moms don't see it or admit it if their child is the cause and you and your daughter will be labeled as over-sensitive and whiny and they will get resentful that you imply their child is the bully. Also they often have the mindset that their child should not have to include anyone they don't want to. They are old enough to decide who they have fun with and who they don't. (I had a mom say this to me once after her daughter refused to let my daughter join her group in class and caused my daughter to cry). That is often why their daughter acts this way - it is encouraged at home!

Every workshop we've had on this topic and guest speaker that has presented, the moms and girls always say that shunning and exclusion are the most common and most hurtful aspects of relational aggression. So, empathy, friendship tier and being around girls who treat them right are all ways to overcome it.

This is common when there are 3 girls. My granddaughter, who is very social and seems to easily fit in, has been the third one out often. Is there a way that your daughter could find another girl to play with them or even to just leave the group and play with someone else.

My granddaughter is in a YMCA after school program and when this happens they encourage the third girl to play with someone else. This is easier for them to do because they are right there supervising the play and can physically direct the child to another activity. I wonder if you and your daughter could plan some alternative activities ahead of time that your daughter could fall back on.

I've been with my granddaughter when this has happened and I've suggested that she try calling another friend. This hasn't worked so well because her friends aren't all in the same neighborhood and I'm not willing to drive miles for her to play. I am sympathetic, letting her know that feeling badly about being left out is OK, and help her find something to do on her own.

When this first started happening a couple of years ago, I talked with her about how she was feeling and what she could do to stay involved when she described a particular situation. It seemed that sometimes, at least, she had her feelings hurt and left on her own. I also remind her that the two girls that are together today may not be together tomorrow and one of them will play with her. This does happen often. When that happens can she remember how she felt and be sure to include the other girl.

Another idea is to help your daughter talk with the two girls about how she feels left out and make suggestions for what the 3 of them can do. This works sometimes on the school playground where I'm a volunteer.

It is tough to see one's child feel bereft. At the same time she will be coming up against this sort of thing all of her life and having this experience while young will help her handle it better when she's older.

I was a loner as a child and don't remember having this experience. However, as an adult, I did, and my pain hit me hard. It took some counseling for me to be able to accept that even tho my best friend had a boyfriend and seemed to not have time for me, I was still OK and could make other plans with different friends.

That is tough. My daughter is also 6 and has experienced the same thing, although not in the neighborhood. I get mad at the parents because I feel that they should be doing something to curb this behavior of excluding other kids, but on the other hand, I suppose forcing a kid to play with someone they don't want to doesn't do any good either. My only suggestion is to schedule some playdates with other children, maybe from school who don't live in the neighborhood.

Good luck,
A. W.

Read "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees." Read parts with your daughter. So challenging and I am not at all looking forward to the many phases girls go through in the their relationships. It is tough! As Mikelle stated, she may not understand now, but this is a topic that will have to be revisited again and again in different forms. This book will empower her, give her insight, understanding and give you a great way to reframe situations for her and lend support.

Absolute best to you!
Jen

Invite her other friends over to play. I would tell her that she will have many friends. I know this hurts your heart as a mom. Kids can be mean. So your job is to have her friends over, take her to the park, play dates at other houses.

Have a little tea party at your house with all the girls. Cookies and apple juice followed by a Cinderella movie would be so fun!

Having all the little girls over for a nail painting party! Invite the moms for tea or coffee. Maybe even straighten this little problem out at the same time.

I bet it is hard for you both, you just have to come out on top with things to do and make sure your little girl never does this to anyone. Making people feel sad is not nice.

My son and daughter (9yo twins) have had both experiences--been the one who is excluded and the one who excludes. This is not exclusive to girls and I wish people would stop demonizing women and girls and their relationships. Yes, the whole queen bees is true to an extent, but some of this is developmental and natural in social skill building and happens with boys too.

On being excluded, I've explained that sometimes people develop a strong common bond and during that time they want to be together so much they leave others out. My son has friends who play video games so much, they love talking about just that. My son was absolutely distraught, but then understood that he too will someday have special relationships like that. I even threw in the whole girlfriend thing, which he gagged at. :D I encouraged him to form other relationships and he moved on. He learned that he can increase his circle of friends and not be as dependent and hurt by other's behaviors. Same with my daughter, she cried then increased her circle of friends, and feels healthier about her relationships with her friends.

On excluding, my daughter has a dear neighbor friend who she loves playing with, and during the summer they play a lot more together. But the girl is younger than her, and at the age of nine my daughter has gone through a maturity leap. So when it's just the two of them playing, my daughter plays at her friend's age level. But when my daughter's friends are around it's hard to include the younger girl. I pulled them both aside (with the friend's mother around) and explained that what's happening is developmental and that pretty soon the friend would catch up, that there is nothing personal going on. My daughter still loves her friend but has different interests she shares with her other friends.

As parents if we can just explain to our kids that ALL of this is about building social and relationship skills, then our children will feel less victimized and will understand that there are skills to deal with these issues that they can and should learn.

In this situation, I would suggest explaining to your daughter that it's not her, that it's where her friends are in their social skills and then I would go out of my way to have her expand her circle of friends. Because in the end, in life, that's the best solution, expanding your circle of friends. Let her see that it works.

It's hard to watch, but your daughter will survive it. I have to disagree with someone below, who said that it will always leave a mark on her daughter's heart.

This is where you, as a mom, can make a big difference in how your daughter experiences, remembers, and learns how to deal with these things.

You comfort your daughter, briefly, "I'm sorry honey, it's sad when your friends leave you out," hug, kiss, and try to find other friends or activities for her during this phase. Talk to her about her feelings about this if she needs to. This WILL pass. She may become better friends with them again, and then again she may not.

In 9th grade, the beginning of high school, my daughter's very close friends all kind of dumped her. She came home crying a lot that first year. I would just listen to her and comfort her and then tell her that girls often act that way and that eventually it would change. Fast forward to her senior year -- those friends are back, along with many other new friends, and my daughter isn't scarred remembering 9th grade at all. Tell your daughter girls act this way sometimes, and it's hard to be the one left out, but things will change in time and she will feel better. Don't overprotect or make a big deal out of it.