I am emailing to get your advice on an issue that I am having with my daughter (3 years 9 months old) and her friends. Lately when we have playdates with others, she is very controlling and always wants what the other child has. It just becomes very difficult because she will cry and scream until she gets what she wants from the other child. Which obviously I and the other child, do not give in. I have always been on top of her when it comes to sharing with others and treating her friends kindly. It almost seems as if she's picking a fight (without being physical) and wants to constantly copycat her friend at all accounts.
I am having a difficult time understanding what else to do. She doesn't let up and now I am at the point of not wanting to schedule many playdates for her. I know she loves her group of friends but the negative behavior is concerning.
With my son, I would pick him up and leave every time he starts to throw a fit. Allowing her to remain there and cause a scene, is not teaching her anything...in my opinion. She will eventually understand that her behavior results in her removal, and she won't won't to behave i such a manner.
You just have a strong-willed little girl I think. It is also possible that she has figured out that you won't actually discipline her when she is not at home. I know it's embarrassing, but if she was my kid, as soon as she displayed that behavior at someone else's house, I would take her out of the situation to another room or outside and put her on timeout until she calmed down and tell her that she could sit there until she was ready to behave nicely with her friends and that if she refused, I would take her home. And you have to take her home if she continues to refuse. You take her home once and/or put her on timeout once or twice -- she'll know you mean it and she will straighten up. Right now, she has nothing to lose. She can throw a mini-fit or nag all she wants and at least some of the time, I bet someone else in the room or another child gives in. So, at least some of the time, chances are, she's getting rewarded for her behavior and because she may be a determined little girl (a good trait), keeping it up UNTIL she gets rewarded doesn't seem to be a bad idea.
I agree with the PP that said once the behavior rears it's head--playdate over! And tell her why.
great advice thus far. remove her from the playdate, calmly, firmly, inexorably. once she understands the parameters she'll have an easier time staying within them.
it will be very inconvenient in the short term. invaluable in the long term.
khairete
S.
worse at home or their house? kids usually have harder time at their house... have her go through her toys and select the special ones she doesn't want to share and put in her room. if she does it when they are there remind her of your agreement and just keep saying "thank you for sharing". if its at THEIR house i think i'd make some limit and then just leave. (tell her ahead of time of course). and remind her she can have a turn when they are done (even though you know its not the item she really wants)
Sounds like she throws a temper tantrum. Best way to handle those is to completely ignore her. Do not pay any attention to her. When she calms down help her get started playing again. Tell her that if she does that again, you're going home or you're sending the other child home. Or if the other parent isn't there, send your daughter to her room so that she can't play anymore with the friend.
After you've established this boundary and if she continues to throw the tantrum, immediately leave. No second chances after the first 2-3 play dates.
Have you devised a way to help the kids share? That would be helpful. My 7 yo grandson still does "turns." He'll play awhile and allow his friend to play or when he wants to play with a friend's toy he'll ask to take turns. He learned to do this around the same age as your daughter.
Also, do you try to distract her with a different toy, one that you know she likes if it's available? Instead of saying no, you can't play, say here, you can play with this one until your friend is ready to share.
Sharing is an important skill to learn. As another mother suggested, special toys that your daughter doesn't want to share should be put away and not be a part of the play date. Same with her friends' special toys.
talk about this with her ahead of time and have an agreement about how you expect her to share the toys that are out. Remind her of the agreement and the consequence if she doesn't co-operate.
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Please let us know how old your daughter is. That would help us all out in giving you better ideas.:)
That is really a tough situation. I would probably tell her before you go that she needs to take turns and listen to you and the other at the play date otherwise you will leave. Maybe give one warning and then leave if she doesn't settle down just pick up and go.
I think some kids just have very strong personalities and we just need to be super consistent and firm with them. My friends and I have spoken and our personal experience is after the terrible 2's peak around 2 1/2 then there is another flare up around 3 1/2 where they are testing and pushing back again. Hopefully it's just a phase that'll end soon!
Good Luck :)
Maybe when she has a playdate the parent of the visiting child should come too-that way-at the first sign of discord, the visitors can leave-after a few times, she will begin to understand that her behavior is not acceptable-and will be dealt with swiftly and consistently.
Don't plan any more playdates! Tell her you will not call her friends and plan playdates because of her attitude. When her attitude gets better you will start making playdates again. My daughter is 4 and I rub it , a little, in her face by telling her what a great time her friends are having at playgroup but she's missing out because _______. I want her to be upset because her behavior upsets kids at playgroup. Thenext time she is bad remove her from the playdate and make her miss a few or tell her she's missing a playdate because of her behavior. This worked for my little girl. We still have issues on occasion and I take her out and she misses the next one.
I hope this helps.
I have a similar problem with my 5 year old son. He can be bossy and grabby with toys. I remind him the first time that he need to us more appropriate behavior (I make a specific suggestion usually). Today I made him take a break from playing for a time out. If it continues after a time out we leave. This is a daily struggle between my 2 kids (5 and 2).
In your situation decide what you want the consequences to be and explain it to your daughter in advance. Also teach her a better way to manage the situation.
