My 4/Y Is Selfish

Very normal for that age group. You can suggest to share but don't force him to do so. Do not punish him if he refuses to share. He is setting his boundries and it is important that he does. Start by maybe passing out a treat at a playdate followed by saying thanks for sharing.

TOTALLY normal. Sharing and empathy are both things that are taught.

"Mine" is a toddler/young child phase that ALSO stems from learned behavior. "No, don't touch mommy's computer." "Nope, that's mine, here's yours." "No that's daddy's coffee... here's your milk."

We TEACH young children over and over and over that things "belong" to certain people, and that we don't touch, can't have, here's YOURS... we do it 1000x a day... from food, beds, clothes, makeup, sharp knives... things that are either differentiated into mine, yours... OR that certain things are *completely* out of bounds for YOU (cooking, driving, discipline, tools, lightbulbs, etc.). It's COMPLETELY natural that they learn and copy those behaviors by making their things as "inviolate" as our things that we don't let them have. This is MINE, don't touch.

What *I* did was to allow my son certain things that WERE inviolate. No matter who asked to have them, he could happily say no and have that backed up. Special things. The rest was up for grabs as long as it was shared... and if there was ANY fighting over it "it" went away... right up until my son figured out he could start a fight to get the other kid's hands off of the thing he didn't want to share. Then it became more complicated. As in HE would go on timeout instead of the toy. But that phase was shortlived.

From a practical standpoint... have your son *pick out* certain toys to share with guests. Make sure those are out and special things are put away. If he starts getting posessive about the things that he got out to share, remind him that those are sharing toys, and that he chose to.

Please read a book on child development. Dr. Sears has written several good ones. This is normal behavior. He is a child and has a child's brain which won't be fully developed until he's in his 20's. He has to be taught to share. I don't even know where to start with suggestions since the way you've worded the question causes me to think that you don't understand your son's needs.

I do suggest that he doesn't have to share his toys and that once he realizes he has a choice he'll eventually learn to share. The toys are his and not wanting to share them is not being selfish. It's a normal result of not yet learning how to share. The first step in learning is giving him the choice to not share. Once he realizes that they are his toys and that it's to his advantage to share when he chooses to share he will share.

Give him lots of positive attention. Do not insist that he share. Tell him he can choose to not share. Let him learn from the natural consequences of the other child's reaction that not sharing limits his play opportunities.

You can show him the advantages of sharing using a positive attitude and words. Explain about sharing but then give him a choice.

Treat him as a loving child who wants to get along and he's more apt to be able to share. When you think of him in a negative way and accuse him of being selfish he's more apt to act in a selfish way. It is human nature to behave in the manner in which we're treated.

Later: I also recommend 123-Magic and add Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and ?.

Ask other mothers to send their children with a favorite toy when they come to your house. Your son will want to touch or play with their toy. Then inform him that if he plays with the other child's toy he will have to let them play with his.
I had a cousin who was so selfish you always had to bring your own toys to her house. Her parents let this go on and on. Her parents graves are next to my Dad's and it is clear from the gravestone that she never married or had children. So the outcome can be a very singular life.
Your son is sociable he will likely respond to peer pressure.

HI R.,
There is an excellent website called www.ahaparenting.com Dr. Laura Markham gives gentle tips for dealing with the different stages of a child's life.

This is normal behavior for a 4 year old. Although you should encourage him to share and think of others, it is a developmental stage and you can't really rush it. If he is not around other children often he may find it harder to share things.

This is normal and I would not force him to share 'his' things. No one comes to my house and just drives my car without my permission. At the playground he should 'take turns' using communal equipment. This may seem/be easier than sharing. When he has playdates or a child comes over, it may help to discuss in advance what they will play with and whether they can use it together. If he has a say in the decision he may be happier with it. We also do not teach our son that he has to do what we say. Our long term goal is to raise a questioning, reasoning adult not an obedient child so that would not fit into our philosophy.

This is the time to start enforcing him to share. Share with you, your family and friends over for a playdate. He's old enough to understand why he's being punished (no tv, no toys, no outside, time out, etc) if he doesn't listen to you or his teachers about sharing with others.

In our house, we don't do blanket rules on stuff so much as teaching the kids they have to do what we say. Therefore, they don't always have to share. They have their own stuff, and I let them fight and not share at home sometimes, but if we're playing with others, and I say share, they do, because otherwise it would be direct defiance to refuse to do what I say.

Like any other major defiance, we enforced it with discipline from a very early age, so it never comes to that anymore. My daughter is almost five and has known for a long time that at school or with friends she has to share due to firm enforcement (when we said so) in the past. Now it's natural to her.

Don't ever let it slide. It's normal for him to not want to share, but not OK. One warning to share or stop fighting, whatever, and enforce a firm consequence the second time you tell him so he doesn't get used to a billion warnings or succeed in making you upset.

And, for those Dana Ks who think teaching kids to obey important things for things like sharing which they need in places like.... school ...translates to adults who cannot reason (biggest cop out ever) let me clarify: We don't go around making our kids obey every little whim we have, we save it for important things, and our kids have tons of freedom because we don't have to hover and worry about their behavior. They can do all their own free thinking during all their independent play time and extra privileges.

Your child is perfectly normal...don't worry. Children for the most part are very selfish, self-centered, impulsive and narcissistic. As they mature and are nurtured at home then they grow out of this. Children see the world differently as their life experiences broaden to more than just themselves and what they want. On the other hand, kids are very loving, quick to forgive and full of faith.

Some ways you can nurture empathy and selflessness is by doing nice things for others and getting your boy involved. When your son is in a happy and loving mood then have talks about sharing and making others happy. Maybe help him draw a picture or make a plate of cookies and take it to someone he cares about. Afterward then you talk about how happy he made that person. Just an example of talking before and after about the feelings he is helping that other person have because of his act of kindness.

I make it a point to stress to my 4 yr. old about how happy he makes his friends by sharing his toys. If there are favorites that seem to be the object of continuous fights then we put those "special ones" away before a playdate. We also make it a point to make the sharing of toys have a specified time so my son knows he will get his toy back. Kids are very protective of their stuff...they don't have the logic that life experiences bring. They think if "Johnny" plays with the toy then he may take it home..no matter how often you say the opposite. Just a simple 3 minute playtime then your son gets it back may help. When he sees you step in and take it away from "Johnny' then give it back then he sees you mean business and Johnny isn't gonna run off with his precious toy.

Good luck. Don't worry that you are raising a monster...he is normal. Keep reinforcing and stay calm when he is possessive...and try to make sure when you have playdates that he is well rested and fed ....and you have a load of patience in YOUR backpocket!!

NORMAL! Teach, teach, teach, and teach. Again and again and again. Eventually he'll learn. Also teach by example yourself. If you don't do what you say for him to do, it undermines what you say.

He must be an only child. =) Kids with siblings get used to someone else touching their stuff.
I do see a positive aspect to this protective feeling...it shows that he values his toys, instead of thinking of them as disposable or replaceable as many kids do. Also, not letting people touch his food could keep him from getting sick.
For play dates, you might ask that the other child bring his own toys, or you might have two of some things, so that there can be more cooperative play, without fighting...or just have them play outside, on a structure, or to kick a soccer ball back and forth.

One other thought; if he goes to preschool, there may be competition for toys there, and it may feed his protectiveness.

R., I have 5 children and several grandchildren 3 happen to be 4yo. He is changing from babyhood to toddlerhood - to childhoods and the world is really all about them. My son tells me from a class he took that 4yo are just 2yo with a mouth to use words. I have a grand daughter that will not eat any food that another even her mom has touched with her hands. They are just finding thier way and it is all about the physical changes they are going through and the conflict of mom and dad wanting them to still be cute and like a little guy but the fact remains they are growing up. Good Luck.