Has this ever happened to you - you bring your young toddler to the playground and another child has a fabulous toy, which your child desperately wants to play with? The other child doesnt want to share, so you carry your child off the playground, kicking, screaming, and sobbing?
Do you think its "bad manners" for the other child not to share? Do you think that the parent should encourage the child share, or take the toy off the playground if it is causing a problem?
I ask because, when my son was 1-2, he would see toys on the playground, and become hysterical if he couldnt play with them. Because of that, I made a rule with him with his own toys - you can only bring a toy if you are prepared to share. If you dont want to share, leave it in the car.
My son is now 3-1/2, and, last night, there was another three year old with a truck on the playground that my son wanted to play with but he absolutely refused to share. My son tried to give some of his cars to the boy, so that he could use the truck, but the boy refused. The mom did not prompt her son to share, even though my son was visibly upset. We ended up leaving.
Am I wrong to expect other parents to encourage their children to share with my child? I did explain to my son that the other boy did not have to share, and that he was enjoying playing with the toy, and it was his - but I am still annoyed at the other parent.
To clarify: I 100% emphasized to my son that the other child did NOT need to share with him, and that that was his toy. When my son did not accept this, we left. I did not want my son's poor behavior to ruin other people's play time.
I get the idea of personal property but also think that certain social conventions and settings are set up for sharing. A playground is a place where children go to play and to socialize and, to me, is a proper setting for playing together and sharing. Riding on a public bus? Not a place where the expectation is that you would play with others. Play date at a friends house, yes - sharing expected. Of course you dont HAVE to share anywhere, but I do think there are situations where its poor manners not to. Hence my question was "Is it bad manners?"
Yes, I would definitely let a stranger use my phone to make a phone call. Also, if I was sitting on a bench next to a stranger, playing a loud game on my phone, laughing my head off, and the person asked me about it - i would show them and, if they were interested, probably let them play it as well. I would NOT hold the phone close to my chest, glare at them, and say "No! Mine!" Anytime I am in a public place doling out snacks to my children - if their is another child watching wistfully - I ask the other parent if they can have some. It would be, to me, awkward not to.
Germ issues - you are at a playground where children crawl through tunnels, roll around in the dirt, and generally get drool and snot on everything they touch and it is NEVER EVER CLEANED and you are worried that your child is going to get germs if another kid holds his truck? I'll just have disagree on that point.
I definitely GET that no one HAS to share with anyone else and that this is my opportunity to teach my child that its the other person's choice. However, I DO think that its teaching your child good manners to teach him/her to share with other children - even strangers.
Edit to add: I understand from the responses that I am in the minority in expecting my children to share and be generous with their things, even with strangers, and to pay attention to others, even strangers, feelings and treat them with compassion - to value others (even strangers) feelings over personal property. I really believe that those are things I need to teach my children to help create the society I want to live in and I expect my children to act that way. I think the lessons I am teaching my children are working. My 3 year old son was at a birthday party this weekend with about other 15 other 3-6 year old boys. There was a pinata, and when the birthday boy ran off crying because he didnt get as much candy as he wanted, my son chased after him with fistfuls of candy yelling -" Here! Have my candy! Its really good!"
No I don't have my child share her toys with children she doesn't know. I do not know how well that parent has taught their child to care for other's things, their personal hygene, and it is not my responsibility to entertain the other child. I also don't want to hassle with trying to retrieve my child's toy from another child or parent if we decide to leave. That is a lot to expect from someone you don't know.
It would be generous of other child, but no, I do not expect it. Sharing can be absolutely wonderful, but sharing with complete strangers at the park can be questionable. ( We refrain from bringing things to parks, just for this reason. ) Simply put, we can't always have what we want when we want it. Sharing is an act of generosity, not a mandate. If you are sitting at the bus stop looking at an ipad, would you then offer it up to a stranger to use? Would you loan it out if that person started to cry because they didn't have one? It's an extreme example, I realize, but you can see what I mean.
Yes, you are wrong. It is the other boy's toy and clearly he brought it because he wanted to play with it.
I think the whole "sharing" thing gets out of hand sometimes.
If a toy belongs to the school or to the playground, then children need to share with each other. In this case the toy does not belong to either child so it must be shared as "equally" as possible.
A toy that belongs to a person such as your child or another child is their property. It does not have to be shared.
How would you feel if you were on your cell phone and some stranger came up to you and wanted to play games on it and you were FORCED to let them? Would you appreciate that? Would you want some stranger playing on YOUR cell phone? Heck no! You bought it, you paid for it, you take care of it, it's yours. If you choose, out of the kindness of your heart, to let someone use it, then that's one thing.
Children MUST learn about ownership and personal property. It's a hard concept. Those who don't learn this can grow up feeling "entitled" to things that belong to others. That's how you get a child that "steals" but doesn't do so maliciously. He or she has never learned about personal ownership.
I would calmly explain to your son that the toy belongs to someone else and that person does not have to share. If your son is upset, then remove him kicking and screaming. Do it as many times as it takes.
Some toddlers can't be brought to the store because they want everything and don't understand that they can't have it. Eventually they learn.
I think forced sharing of one's personal property is a violation of that person's ownership, no matter how old they are. An adult would NEVER appreciate being forced to share their clothes, home, iPods, gadgets, etc. with a stranger--so why would we force that upon our kids?
We can certainly teach our kids to be generous and kind. But generosity and kindness can never be forced.
I am annoyed by parents who think that other kids' parents need to make their children share with strangers.
Sorry.
It doesn't matter whether or not a child brings THEIR toy to the playground or anywhere else. If they don't want to share and/or the parent is not the sharing type, that's fine. It's their property.
You might think it's an important lesson for their child to share...I think it's an important lesson for your child to learn that they don't always get access to other kids' property. Life's not fair, and no...they don't have to share.
This might seem harsh...but life lessons are.
ETA: And no, I didn't make my boys leave their toys at home if they didn't want to share. They did learn, through social cues (body language/words/interation), to share their toys...but I didn't force them to do so. They shared of their own volition.
Is this a political post in disguise? ;) lol
No I don't think the other kid should be made to share.
Our kids need to get used to the idea of personal property.
But I was just like you--if you're not going to be willing to share it, don't bring it to a public park/playground/etc.
I agree with Jodi D. I suggest that it's your job to prepare your child for not expecting another child to share at a public playground. I also think that bringing toys to the playground is a bad idea. Talk with your son before getting to the playground so that he's aware that he won't be playing with other kids' toys.
Now, this might be different if there is a sand box. One needs toys to play there. But, again, I would tell my child not to expect to share. If kids do, OK, but it's not a given. And be sure to take some toys so that your child does have something with which to play. Or steer him away from the sand box.
Yes, kids will be upset. I'd take my child aside and calmly talk with him until he calms down. I've seen other parents do this. I've done it with my grandchildren. We don't leave until the situation is resolved. I suggest that your son was reacting in a small part to you being upset. If you had not expected the other child to share your son would've also come to accept that it's OK to not share.
I'm a believer that even tho sharing is good, it's not always necessary. Kids can have personal property that's not shared just as adults do.
I disagree with this. My son has a Pooh bear that he used to take everywhere. It was/is his lovey. I know other moms don't let their kids bring their loveys with them in public, but this Pooh bear has smoothed over many a difficult situation for us when my son was younger. I would have been pretty irritated if someone suggested to me that I keep this bear at home or in the car on the off chance that a child we don't know might want to play with it.
I don't actually think there is a right or wrong. I took the opposite approach if you want to play with something other than what is there bring it with you. So I take my kids to the playground with the expectation that they may only play with what is anchored to the ground or what they pulled out of the car. If some kid offers a toy that is gravy.
I don't expect other kids to share and I am not going to make my child share the one toy they brought and expected to play with. Thing is though any of my kids would have accepted your son's trade because they still would have had something other than the equipment to play with.
I guess I see it as if my kids don't share there tends to be a good reason. Like it is a new truck and they should be the first one to scratch it, ya know? Maybe it is the favorite toy and they weren't even sure they wanted to bring it because it may get damaged. Who knows the reason they may not share who really cares, they have their reason and it is their property. A selfish kid isn't going to make a lot of friends on the playground and that is their penalty for not sharing.
Oh and yes I have had the I want to play with that meltdown and the scars to prove it. :)
Yes, I think it is out of line to expect other children to share their toys at the playground. These are children you don't know, they don't know your child, and they brought their toys to play with. It would be wonderful if they would share, but your training here needs to be with your child that he cannot expect others to share and cannot have fits and tantrums when he don't get what he wants. It is a hard lesson, but an important one.
I also think it is totally unreasonable to think other children should leave their toys at home unless they are willing to share. In the toddler world especially, "share" means "take."
Our recent trip to the pg some little girls had a battery operated jeep. there is lots of space and grass (feilds) to ride in. so they brought it to explore. my son really really wanted to play with it. the owner girl did not want him too but her grandfather encouraged her to share. while i just put a stop to it all together. my son can be very bossy and demanding and he is much bigger than most kids his age. since birth he has been in the 90%. Asside from the fact the girl was not comfortable with him around. The littler sister was and they played together on the playground.
I feel you are wrong in thinking other people should share there toys with your son. Its spoiled for them not to want to share but its also spoiled thining to demand everyone should share with your son also. Your son cannot have everything he wants and sees. This is a social matter and if your son can be friendly first to a child then the other child might want to play and share together. have your son bring toys and play together first then ask to trade and respect the boundarys of others if they tell him no.
Also dont leave. Its bratty behavior to teach your son he did not get his way so leave in a huff. Advert is attention to something else. If he is throwing a fit about the other child not sharing (or playing with him) then let him have a little time out on the playground. Sure its bad manners for the other kid not to want to share. But its up to you to teach your child the proper response toward the other child and how to interact with everyone.
I really dont agree with you on this one! It looks like your standing by what you say though!
I normally don't let my children take anything but a soccer ball to the playground. However, if they do take a toy they want to play with then it is up to them whether they share it or not. I don't share my things with total strangers, why would I expect for my kids to?
Heck no. My kids have never been allowed to throw fits, and I usually tell them not to touch other kid's toys unless the kids are obviously offering them to everyone. Why do people bring toys to public places and not share? Not sure, but they do. Doesn't mean the toys are for everyone. And, btw, whenever we have brought a ball, bubbles, etc, we do share. Of course it makes sense to share unless you're in your own back yard. But I don't expect others to automatically feel that way and my kids need to learn to deal with it gracefully. When I see a mom pecking away on a super cool iPad, I don't feel I can go grab it and use it....And when my kids bring tricycles or bikes, I don't make them share, but they often offer to.
I have to say, I don't agree with this one. I usually discourage bringing toys to places where I expect other kids will be--mostly because I don't want to wind up being "responsible" for all the kids who join in to play with "our" toys (you know, like when I'm the only parent sitting in the playroom at Chick-fil-a).
I have run into this, though it usually happens to us when we're somewhere waiting... the bank, doctor's office, etc. I try to remember to bring a drink, snack, and toy (or other entertainment) if I know we're going to be somewhere waiting. Should I be expected to prepare for any other kids who also happen to be there waiting (pack extra drinks, snacks, toys)?? I see this pretty much every.single.time we're at the pediatrician's office! Of course I feel bad about the kid across the room who *really wants* one of my daughter's cookies, or a sip of her juice, or to color in her book... But, honestly, those kids aren't my responsibility. I just hope that their parent(s) will notice and remember next time to be prepared themselves.
Of course, when the situation is appropriate (we brough sand toys to play in the sand at the park--because I don't have a huge pile of sand in my backyard, or bubbles, or a kick ball, etc) my daughter understands that she is expected to share with other kids who ask (politely) to join in. (And, yes, I have refused to let kids join because they were rude, pushy, or mean!) We discuss this BEFORE we go so she understands that we are bringing these things with the intention of sharing. And, she doesn't get upset with other kids not sharing--I simply explain that it is their toy/snack/etc and they don't want to share. I do not try to throw "mean eyes" at the mom or kid or whatever. Next time try "honey, he's having fun with his truck, let's see how fast you can go down the slide!" It's all about distraction!
Yes, I think you are wrong to think the other child should share. I go to work, I see someone there with an AMAZING convertible - one I would die for. Do I expect him/her to let me drive the car. I don't think so. If I am so upset I can't handle it, I leave and go buy myself a latte. I do NOT expect the car owner to be responsible for my feelings. I am. I am also responsible for how my toddler handles his feelings in a public place.
The toys at the playground that were for sharing were the ones that lived in the sandbox. My son could choose to share or not share his toys. For play dates, he could choose whether to share or not. And at toddler age it is not so much sharing as it is taking turns.
I'm so glad my kids are done with playgrounds! I guess I always took my kids to the playground to play on the swings, slides, etc and not with others' toys. I never had any expectation for another child, who was not a friend, just a random stranger, to share their toy(that THEY BROUGHT) with my child. If they chose to share, that's wonderful, but I'd NEVER hold it against them or think they had bad manners. It's THEIR TOY. And if my kids chose to throw a fit because they couldn't play with another kid's toy and miss out on being at the playground, where there are swings and slides and other fun things, then, yeah, I'd take them home kicking and screaming, too. But it's not the other child's fault that MY child throws a hissy fit.
I have no problem with other kids bringing toys to the playground. If my own kids wanted toys at the playground, they needed to bring their own, and be happy with those. Or they could just enjoy the playground itself (with those swings, slides and other fun things).
I was always very cautious of the toys my children shared with others, I agree with Jody D. it is our toy and we brought it and I don't want any problem when we have to retrieve it, I used to think that sharing was more important, till I had trouble getting a toy back from another child one time, and I did not like the way the parent handled it, which believe me is worse than someone not sharing in the first place, after that I still allowed my kids to bring their favorite toy but I didn't require them to share.
the other child had taken and hid the toy in his pocket and refused to give it back to my children, (he lied about it), thank goodness I had seen what he did with the toy, and I had to approach the parent who had no idea what had happened and was not very happy about me trying to suggest that he still had the toy intentionally... even worse, they are related and I still have to discretely check his pockets every time he comes to our home, or anytime we take toys to their house (and the child is old enough to know better)
so no, I don't think my child has to share his toy with you if he doesn't want to, and I don't think I should limit what my child brings to the park because someone else child doesn't know how to handle it yet. I have even told them that the toy must stay in their hands at all times or in mine, if they want to share they need to ask me first. We have just had to many things go wrong, so I don't force it, they will often ask to share and I do let them most of the time, but I'm guarded about it.
I personally dont think children should bring toys to the playground. I have 2 toddlers ages 2 and 3 and our rule is not to bring any toys to the playgound and dont expect to be able to play with someone elses toys if they decide to bring them. My children are there to play on the structure, socialize with the other children, and get some exercise. They can play with their toys at home.
I don't EXPECT anyone to share, but where I live it's common practice/courtesy to share sand/riding toys. It's very rare that a mom DOESN'T encourage her child to share, but if they don't want to? Doesn't bother me, I'd just redirect my child to another activity.
i think it's kind of bad manners to bring a toy to the playground, to be honest. the kiddos are there to play together (hard to do if someone brings ONE toy) on the equipment. either you want to play with other kids or you don't. unless you bring an entire basket of trucks, i don't really see the point. "sharing" one toy really means, one person plays with it, and the other watches lol. how is that fun for very long?
no i wouldn't expect the child to share. and i don't let my son take toys to the playground. -but then, i've never really let him take toys every time we get in the car either- unless it's a long trip. when we go to the park we play on their equipment.
I agree that I wouldn't expect my son to share his toys with someone he doesn't know, predominately because of hygiene issues. Also, I agree that one shouldn't bring toys to a playground. When your at the playground, it's time to exert some energy and run around.
While I encourage my daughter to share toys she takes, I've discovered that you have to be cautious about that. Often, others want her to "share" before she's had a chance to play with it herself or want to "share" by taking it away from her. She is generally good about sharing her toys or letting others have a turn. Sometimes she just plain doesn't want to share her toys with strangers, and I have to let that be ok, as long as she understands that means the other kids will be strangers vs friends because they don't want to play with friends who don't share.
I just have a rule my son doesn't bring any toys to the playground - that's what the PLAYGROUND is for - entertaining him! Young kids don't do well with sharing in the first place so I always think why introduce something to the playground to turn the experience from a good one to a bad one. Obviously if someone else allows their kids to bring toys to the park, there's little you can do but try to redirect them away from the toy and yes, leave if they're too upset. Its a hard subject.
This question/view is quasi-policital in it's most elementary form. The anger or frustration you felt from the other child not sharing....and the other child's mother who didn't encourage them to share.....reminds me of what so many political battles start from. Who has what and who isn't sharing!
It amazes me at how early this starts and how we, as parents, foster those feelings (be it right or wrong).
My personal feeling is that yes, you are wrong to expect other parents to encourage their children to share in THIS particular setting.
As a parent, I usually do encourage my kids to share but not in all circumstances. At a public play area I would not encourage my child to share unless they wanted to share or wanted a playmate. I would actually feel offended if another parent 'expected' the sharing in that arena and would probably become quiet protective.
I realize that I feel the same way politically. What's mine is mine, I've worked for it, and no one should expect me to give up what I've earned or share it with a stranger who walks up and puts out their hand. Am I a mean person? Am I not charitable? Those couldn't be further from the truth.
What I'd like to say here is, try not to be too angry with the other parent who didn't encourage the sharing. And just keep on with teaching your child about those life lessons. And realize, just because someone has something you (or your child wants) doesn't mean the owner is a bad person for not choosing to share at that moment.
Yes - I'm with you. I made my kids share. Are people actually citing germs? I didn't read all the responses. That's funny as like you said, they're already crawling around a public place...
I think our job as parents is to teach our child how to exist in the world as it is. If a child doesn't want to share for whatever reason you have to give your child the skills to manage the situation. If offering to trade doesn't work I try to get my son to move on to something else and if he would throw a fit when he was younger He knew he would go home if he continued with that behavior so he quit throwing a fit.
Well, our rule has always been -if you take a toy to a public place, you must be prepared to share it. That has usually resulted in not having to worry about the toy in the public place! However, I never expect other kids to share with mine. It would be nice if their parents tried to get them to share, but there's no reason really that they "need" to -or should feel bad about it.
Think of it this way -If my kid is pitching a fit, why is it okay to take some other kid's toy to appease my child and then have that kid pitching a fit? Maybe the parents of the child with the toy know that their child will be terribly upset. Maybe their kid has been talking all day about how much he wants to take his _____ to the park and play with it. Don't ever expect another child or person to do something just because of the setting where you are.
Yes, it is wrong for you to expect other children to share their toys and to ban them from bringing toys to the playground. It is nice and courteous to share, but not required. This is a hard-knocks lesson that life is not fair. I agree with you that it was very tacky tacky tacky for the other parents to not encourage their children to share.
I do not think that personal toys should be left at home, period.
My son can only bring, what he's willing to share..If it's a new toy, I tell him to leave it at home. (I know he won't want to share that one)
Haven't read the other responses, but toddler and preschooler logic is different than older kid logic. A parent can try to encourage a toddler/ps child to share, but really, if a child that age does not want to share with another child who is a complete stranger to him, what are you going to do?
Not sharing at this age is pretty much a developmental norm. Learning to share appropriately is a process that is learned over time.
That the parent did not encourage her child to share is completely her decision, and while you or I might have done differently, she may have had her reasons for her choice. She may have acted completely differently at a home playdate with a friend, who knows?
The fact of the matter is that people are not always going to live up to our expectations of them in matters like this where there is a lot of grey area and a lot of room for different interpretations, and where everyone has their own opinion of what is "right."
Just use it as a learning experience and talk to your son about it. Next time you're heading out to the park, you might want to have a conversation that starts with, "if there is another child there with a toy you'd like to play with, and that child won't share, what do you think you'll do?"
Hope this helps.
ETA: I just went back and read some of the other responses. Cheerful M. provided a perfectly clear answer that everyone should read!
Also, for those who say to leave toys at home, while I understand the logic of trying to avoid a problem before it happens, what about people who live in apartments or have very small yards....those children can't bring the toys they've been waiting to play with because someone else might get hurt feelings if they can't play with it? It's not fair to characterize parents as rude for allowing children to bring their own toys to a public place to play with them.
I would tell my child: It looks like he doesn't want to share...sorry. Let's play with something else.
THis was well said by another poster:
"You might think it's an important lesson for their child to share...I think it's an important lesson for your child to learn that they don't always get access to other kids' property. Life's not fair, and no...they don't have to share."
When the kids were younger, like drooling baby age, I did not share because of the drool and they were putting everything in their mouths.
If it's a toy that can be shared where both can play, then yes, they should share and play together. But this child had a truck; he was playing with it. I don't see why you would think that this child should give your child the truck and then he has nothing to play with. Now, if the child was off playing in the playground and your son asked the mom if he could play with the truck, then he should have been allowed to play with it. I just don't think the other child should have to give up the one toy he's playing with and watch your son play with it. Sorry. Next time I would encourage my son to bring his own toy to play with.
I have a son the same age, and I stress to him what sharing is and encourage him to share. It's not you, nor is it your fault that some parents are either oblivious to their kid's behavior or weren't brought up the right way :-).
Poor parenting on behalf of the other child. If my kiddos bring toys - they are expected to share. Just like if we have snacks and there is enough to go around - if the parent's are ok with it we share.
Sharing is good - as a child AND as an adult. I would - and have - loaned my phone to strangers, shared drinks/towels/snacks if needed, requested - and would have left with my child too if the other one AND HIS PARENT were not willing to share.
Please - if it's such valuable PERSONAL PROPERTY then leave it at home where it can be adored in private.
On that note -I wouldn't tolerate a screaming fit from my child either if hte other child did not want to share - but I still think it's bad manners to bring toys to public play areas and not be willing to share.
I agree with you!! Most of the time I do not allow my kids to bring toys to the park, but when I do they're encouraged to share the toy. Sharing is good because it often leads to kids playing together at the park which is what you want a lot of times. I feel like the majority of mom's understand this and want to share.
Why would anyone let their child take toys to the playground that they weren't willing to share?? Leave personal property at home and certainly don't bring toys that can transfer germs.....I just let my little one run around and play with the swings and stuff at the play ground........we don;'t take toys (he is too young to ask) and in fact I didn't even notice other kids bringing toys.....
