Daughter Hitting Son

A three year old doesn't understand losing tv for a week or going to bed early. If you want to take away something try just a day. How much one on one time is she getting with you? Maybe she feels left out. She may feel her brother stold her spotlight. She needs to know she is still important and loved the same. Try rewarding good behavior and letting her help with her brothers care. I had this happen with my oldest and I talked to her and let the know she had a very important job of being big sister. Her brother needs her to watch out for him and protect him from harm. When she hits him she was making me, dad and baby brother sad because she wasn't being a good big sister. We found making her feel she had a very important job and that we needed her and loved her the same she stopped. We also spent as much time as possible doing things with her alone. She became very protective of her brother. Good Luck!

Keep in mind that you daughter is only three and has the attention span of a three year old. You are taking things away, etc. but a day or two later, does she know why? Unless she is a more exceptional three year old than we all belive our children are, because of course they're ours and their exceptional, then she is most likely not putting the connection together... therefore you are teaching her nothing. Make the discipline short, but very to the point. Put her in the corner the first time or two... for 3-4 minutes. Repeat it. If it still isn't seaming to work after 2-3 times, add something to it... put her in the corner AND take away something pertaining to the incident. For example, if she was watching tv and he was crying so she hit him... send her to the corner while you deal with the most likely screaming infant now, and while you calm down... then explain to her that she can't do things like that because it could hurt him, etc. etc. THEN, explain that it will not be tolerated and that she is going to lose the tv for the rest of the day because if she can't be nice while she watches it, then she isn't allowed to watch it.
Also, you most likely are dealing with some jealousy... whils she probly can't connect the discipline... "I hit him so I got the tv taken away" days later, she does remember what is was like to watch tv in peace!!! She also remembers what it was like to have you and daddy to herself and get attention from you that she didn't feel she had to compete for. No matter how much one on one time you give her, this is going to take time for her to overcome... time that she needs to get used to the change in her house, time that she needs to learn that you can love them both equally. Try teaching her how she can help you with the baby when he crying... when he cries, and he is in the room, ask for her help... "can you help me talk to him and tell him you love him while I get him a bottle?". This worked great with my grandsons... the oldest got the point real quick where he would try to sooth the baby any time he whimpered.

Well, the first thing that I would say is that your daughter really needs 'more' attention than normal. Bringing in a new baby really upsets the emotions and self esteem of your daughter and she has no idea how to voice how she feels about it. You can not reason with a 3 year old and taking things away from her as a punishment just tells her that the baby is more important to Mom and Dad. She can't voice that and you don't mean to show that, but it is usually a competition and an attachment issue. She is just trying to find her place in the "new" family.

I recommend that when she hits your son, you grab her and hold her tight and hug her. Be sorrowful instead of mad. Walk away from the baby and get her attention. Hold her on your lap or whatever. Secure her. Tell her that you love her very much but that you also love the baby. Tell her that the baby loves her very much too. Tell her that her baby brother needs her to take care of him because he is so small. Try to get her involved in feeding him and picking out clothes and stuff.

I also recommend taking her out on special Daddy/Daughter outings to eat or play or something. Same thing with you.

Just keep reinforcing how much you love her and how GREAT of a big sister and Mama's helper she is. If you focus on the hitting, she will do it even more. She just wants the attention.

I hope this helps. It is not a magic wand solution, but it worked for me. :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

I don't know your exact situation but I think she misses momy's full attention. try having a mommy day with just her. I know it's only been a month but it worked with mine. Have daddy watch him and the 2 of you go see a movie or bring her somewhere eaqually as cheap then if she hits him tell her that she does not get a momy day that week. if she is good all week she gets a mommy day. My daughter loves the movies now and is great with my son but now that he is 2 as of november he has been in his terable 2's and she asked me if we can bring him back and get a new baby. LOL they fight often now and needles to say my daughters nose is basically glued to the corner of the wall until bed time but It's just because so much has changed since baby has been home and she is not used to the change. I think you need to find out what things have changed in the mommy daughter dept. and change them back as much as you can. the baby will adjust becuase he is still learning how life is. to expect a 3 year old GIRL to adapt and change her ways for another child to get momy's attantion is almost out of the question. If she likes to watch tv uninterupted I think you should keep the baby out of the room she is in during her shows. Maybe give her her own and keep baby in your room for right now. I know everyone ones life changes when a new baby is involved but to a kid it's just an agravation and she does not know how to express those feeling yet so her first idea is to hurt him. I'd cater to her right now. not spoil but cater in otherwords make it seem(to her) that nothing has changed because she is not going to change for the baby no matter what you do. I was lucky because my daughter is a born helper and wanted to do everything for the baby. if he was crying she'd run to him to ask whats wrong. one time she tryd to climb on the bassenet and knocked it over throughing hom out and thank god she did not pick up the pillow off the floor when i told her to because he landed right on it. Good luck

It can be hard on a child to suddenly have a new sibling because they are used to being the center of attention and being your "baby". My daughter only has cousins to compete with, no younger siblings. She didn't like it when her cousin Nolan was born because we were around them a lot and I would hold him instead of her sometimes.

What I started doing was when we would stop by in the evenings she would come sit next to me on the couch and I would encourage her to help me with him. She could get me the diapers or the bottle and I would help her hold him. She thought it was so cool to be a big helper that she stopped being so jelous.

I know that it's different, but it might help a little...

mine are 2(boy) 3(girl) they are constantly hitting, biting, pushing. Mostly by her. she gets so mad at him if he gets in front of the tv. or goes near what she is trying to play. She gets upset because he breaks what she is doing. I put her in the naughty corner, and we have a talk about it. Our rules here are for her to say " LEO STOP! MOMMY HELP!" I ask her what the rules are she repeats them but then does it again. Developmentally I know she cannot control herself. But I figure with much repetition and constant reminder when she is developmentally ready to control her self she'll know how.

I am also at my wits end with it!! Sorry.. I couldn't be of more help!!

M.,
It sounds like your daughter is looking for attention - negative or positive. She was the center of attention and now she has a little brother taking mommy and daddy time away from her. Maybe if you could include her in helping with the baby, such as changing a diaper or bathing. Also, try and put some special one on one time aside for her. Maybe it's as simple as reading a book, coloring a picture or watching her favorite TV show with her. It may help her transition a little better if she realizes she is still an important part of the family.

It sounds like your daughter is having some attention issues. She is no longer the baby or the only child, so she is not getting all the attention now and it's tough for kids to share.I would first try to explain to her that when we are mad we need to talk about it and second we don't take out our anger on others that didn't do anything wrong. If it's the baby she is mad at then she needs to tell you so you can handle it because you are the parent and not her. It is very hard to give enough attention to an older child when dealing with a baby. Try making special time for just her and mommy without baby. Even if it is just a half hour when dad can take care of baby it should make a big difference. Also try to make her feel special by including her in the care of her little brother. Be sure to reward her with praise when she interacts in a positive way with her brother. If the problem persists or gets worse you may need to see a theropist with her.I don't think it will come to that because this is a very normal reaction for children. Hope this helps B.

I agree with Anna and Kimberly. Your daughter is only 3 and doesn't know how to express her emotions. Taking things away for several days is totally unrelated to the situation and she will not be able to make a connection between her actions and no toys. She's only 3. Taking away her toys and getting angry with her does increase her helpless and angry feelings that she's trying to work out. She needs to feel more involved and important in her life with you.

Hitting is normal at this age. And so is teaching not to hit. But I don't think that a child really understands this until they're older. It's important to stop the hitting. A good way to do this is, as Kimberly says, grab her, hug her, tell her we don't hit in this house and reassure her that you love her just as much as the new baby. She is not hitting to be mean. She is hitting because that is an instinct that we're born with. Each one of us had to be taught social skills so that we can get past our survival instincts. Every child goes thru a stage in which they hit. And everyone of us, even adults, have situations in which we feel like hitting but don't because we've learned there is a better way. Actually, some adults never learn that. We all learn best with positive attention and positive discipline. Hitting and taking away things unrelated to the hitting incident as well as anger teach our children that is the way to handle anger and in fact, makes them more angry, and more likely to continue hitting.

Understanding and calm, thoughful teaching helps her to learn a different way of handling her anger and reassures her that you still love her and know that she is a good girl who just needs to learn some new things.

Yes, some children do respond to being hit back, being yelled at, being sent to the corner without any follow up hugs or encouragement but usually that is because they are afraid of being hit again, etc. They stop their action out of fear and have not learned a better way. They also stuff their anger and it will come out in other ways, most likely sneaky ways that aren't so obvious.

Instead of putting kids with their nose in the corner I prefer providing a quiet time away from distractions. This may be a time-out but it's not punitive. It's a time to cool down. It involves a change of pace including turning off the TV until everyone is calm again. It may involve going to her room or being held my mama depending on the situation and how mama is feeling.

Involving her in the baby's care is important. Help her feel like the big sister who helps take care of brother. That gives her an important role and allows her to also be involved with mama and dada.

And time spent with one or both of you without baby brother is important too.

Bottom line is hitting is normal. Only twice in one month is good. And it sounds like the second time was partly in response to what happened the first time. Sounds like you were angry with her and getting angry back is also normal. Our job as parents is to teach a better way of dealing with anger while holding the line on a no hitting policy. We can do this more calmly and more effectively if we accept that what they are doing is normal and that they are still a good kid with good intentions.

This is a difficult task and I do sympathize with you. You do want the best for your daughter.

Hello M. B., I also have a 3 year old daughter and she too hits my 1 year old twins. When she does that I first, put her on time out, if she doesn't learn her lesson I take away her toys and I explain to her the reason why I'm so upset. I keep my twins away from her, I don't give her the oportunity to hit them again. I make sure to keep an eye on her. Once in a while she'll do something nice for them and I clap and cheer letting her know that what she did was right. I works for me, I don't know how your daughter is but, just try to compliment her for doing the right thing, they seem to respond better to that. Good luck.

M. R.