Daughter Is the First One Excluded If a Third Child Is Involved. How Do I Help?

I am sorry, I mean no offense, but back off. She needs to learn to interact with these children without you hawking.

You can tell the children when you're watching them all "Play nice, we all play together or we can be done playing."

You can tell your daughter "You don't have to let them treat you like that."

But please, back off. She will blossom.

Sorry but I agree with your husband you need to back off. This is part of the problem with kids today are parents always seem to intervene when kids don't play "right" Sit back and let them work it out unless of course it gets physical they all need to develop social skills and learn how to get along with each other. I suggest you have only one person over at a time not "up to four" If you have 4 girls over or take them somewhere that equals 5 kids and odd numbers usually don't work out too well.

I, too, had a hard time getting through this entire post.
But at O. point I did see a glimpse of reason.
You wrote "My husband thinks the kids should work it all out."
He's right.
You cannot control these other kids.
You cannot control how they treat your daughter (short of the bullying, which I don't think this sounds like.)

I know it's hard and heartbreaking to see your kid being cast aside, ignored, snubbed, etc.

BUT the kids WILL work it out. I think you need to let go of this "control" you're trying to exert over the situation.

And it sounds to me like your daughter could use some O.-on-O. playdates. Kids get a "herd" mentality with more than that.
If you're basically upset that she gets cast aside in groups of 3+, why on earth would you have more than O. friend over?

wow, my heart goes out to you....but specifically to your daughter. If you look at your last paragraph, you also exhibit the traits your daughter has! You "have no close relationships outside of the family".....if you are not a "friend" person, then why push your daughter? You have the option of joining small groups & chose not to......practice what you preach, Mom!

I truly believe change needs to begin at home. Your every effort aids in lowering your daughter's self-esteem. I know this sounds harsh, & I do apologize. She is quiet, she is shy, she is unassuming.....you want a different life for her.....& I bet she knows it, feels it. Stop putting her in these situations where she does not excel!!

I truly believe your daughter's disability factors into all of this. My son was diagnosed with a degenerative hip disease at age 6 (KG year). He had surgery in 1st, 3rd, & 4th grade.....with crutches, leg braces, & a wheelchair in between. In my son's case, he became belligerent & mouthy.....the exact opposite of your daughter. According to his therapist, they're both opposite extremes of the same response & quite common in children with disabilities.

In order to get past this, I think your thoughts on a smaller church may help- - or joining small groups would help. Once you add other families to your own circle, your daughter will have more doors opening for her.

I love that she's in Campfire Girls, & I think that adding another weekly activity would benefit her.....look for something which will boost her self-esteem. Have you considered a theater group for children? A musical instrument? Swimming....if her disability allows? Volunteering also may help her. & actually, anything where she can achieve/succeed/help would be good.....& may provide that best friend you want for her!

If you chose not to change your own lifestyle, then I would bump up the level of family activities. Make them fun & she'll never miss the friend factor! Our sons are 9 years apart....they have lived essentially as "only children".....& both have wonderful memories of all we've done as a family! I wish you Peace.

there is nothing more agonizing than watching your child struggle. and we all want to fix it. but you must must must back off. and if you feel as if you can't, please remind yourself that all of your 'fixing' thus far hasn't. it won't. it can't.
kids learn by what we do, not what we say. what your daughter is learning is that she can't do it by herself and mom needs to help. only....er.....it's not helping. the best thing you can really do is to go out and make family friends for yourself, model what it is you want her to do. micromanaging playdates and moving her from class to class will never give her the social skills that will allow her to be comfortable with others.
and not everyone develops these. what one develops then are coping strategies. but these too are learned and won over time, not given to us by parents.
get her involved with groups in which the ACTIVITY interests her, not any more desperate attempts to find friends for her. the friendships will grow organically through shared interests, not just proximity. it sounds as if a little social awkwardness is a family trait, not just something your daughter has. that's okay. but you need to take a deep breath and stop trying so hard. this degree of forcing makes everyone uncomfortable and the friendships are squashed before they can ever take root.
popularity is over-rated. if you can allow (not force) your daughter to form one or two good relationships, that's all anyone needs (and really all a busy person has time for.) but it won't happen through strictly proscribed playdates that are loaded up with rules. the recess monitors aren't lazy, they're doing their job. kids have laser-like focus on them all during the schol day, they HAVE to have some unstructured time without anyone yelling at them for what they MUST do. and kids have to learn to say no, to create boundaries, to make decisions, without endless adult input and interfering.
you must step back. be there with love and support and sympathy (but not dripping, keep it brisk) for the bad days, but ultimately she's the one walking this path and she must learn to navigate it herself.
but i do know how hard this is. i'm sorry, and hope it works itself out soon.
khairete
S.

It's too bad Dayton, OH is so far from Atlanta, GA, otherwise I'd say let's set up our daughters for a playdate. I too have one of those sweeties. Mine is only in the first grade, but we struggle in this vein as well. My daughter Mia wouldn't hurt a fly, is loyal and generous and kind, but struggles a bit like your daughter.

It's hard not to hover. I am total there with ya.

I guess I would tell you the same thing I tell myself all the time. Stay involved, but give her just a little bit of room to spread her wings. I know, I know, hard advice to follow. I struggle with it too.

At least you know you are not alone on this board.

Feel free to email me any time you need.

E.

It seems like both you and your daughter are struggling with making lasting friendships and that you may be trying too hard. Relax a little. It is hard as a parent to see your child suffer or be slighted by other children, but you seem to be doing a lot of good things to try to nurture friendships. You mentioned your child had a handicap that made sports difficult and that she is very clingy. Find something else that will build her self esteem and her interest level-maybe an interest in art or in music or something. She may blossom in another area, meet some new friends that share her interest areas and have more confidence in dealing with others. It gets harder and harder as kids get older and some get a lot meaner. Also you mentioned leaving a huge church with small groups to find a smaller church to meet people. Many churches of all sizes are utilizing small groups to help people develop friendships and support within the church and to encourage spirituality beyond just Sunday. For the type of deep friendships you are looking for, small groups can be a great way to get those started. If you have had a previous poor experience, visit several until you find one that feels right and meets your needs.

I understand how you feel. I've been in many similar situations with my daughter. I think the things you are planning to do are good things. I would caution you about continuing to plan playdates and outings with groups, even if you have 4 instead of 3. I would just invite ONE friend over, or out to do something with you at a time. My older daughter struggles socially as well. She has lost friends I believe, from acting too clingy. We have seen former best friends drop her and become best friends with each other, which is so sad. And we probably contributed to that by always taking those girls out and having them over together. I really think they used our generousity and my daughter just for opportunities to see each other. Neither would ever call to invite my daughter to get together. I find it pointless to talk to the other parents because really, parents cannot make their children want to be friends with your child. But it irks me that they would keep accepting my daughter's invites and never return the favor, and their parents did not seem to notice or care. We let this go on for too long. Kids will either want to be friends, or they won't. And now, finally, we're just done with the ones that obviously don't want to be friends. Groups are always hard. It's so much harder to bond in a group than one on one. I do believe some kids can sense a child who is vulnerable and will pull all kinds of relational favoritism out just to cause drama. Keep asking *many different* kids over and out with you one at a time, and if some of them never return the favor, I would not keep trying. The more variety of kids you can have over or out, the more she will feel less dependent on any one certain person or group to meet her social needs. I let my kids choose who they can invite over, but if certain kids have been rude or have not behaved, I'm definitely going to make sure my daughter picks someone else to invite.

My family moved a LOT when I was a kid. We learned to make friends fast. That said, I had very few real friends. I had 1 or 2 close friends and the rest.. eh... I could take 'em or leave 'em.
I would find an activity that your daughter enjoys and sign her up for classes or something. If she likes music - a music class. If she likes art - an art class. She needs to find kids who have something in common with her. Athletics aren't her thing, so she needs to hang with kids who aren't athletic.
As for the church thing - find a smaller church where you can make real friends and get involved. But remember, church is full of sinners.
LBC

Ok, I am sorry but I could not read the entire post, with that said, I think the issues your family is facing is simmilar to what I went thru in school at that age too. I really wished that we had the funds and ability to be in soccer or tap class or anything like that groing up but we just did not. I even joined the girl scouts (free) to try to make friends but all the girls were "the it"girls in my school so eventually they actually asked me to leave because I was not getting along with the group! If you have the abilty to get involved with your local parks and recs center or sign up for an outside of school group that would probably help the self esteem issues going on because next come body issues then boy issues and so on. Good on you that you realize it now and hopefully you will find a solution that works for you here.

I suggest role playing with your daughter. Teach her how to respond to kids that are being mean. Have her be the mean kid & you be her the first time to show her what to say. Then change roles & let her be herself & you the mean kid. I do this with my daughter(she's 7) & you would be surprised at how well it works. She just needs to boost her confidence & learn how to handle things herself. However she does need a little coaching as to how to handle situations. Do it all over again next time a new situation comes up.

I also suggest getting her into activities like karate, dance or whatever she has interests in to meet other people. Try meetup.com for activities that the whole family can do. This site has boating, coffee, skiing, dance, & every kind of meetup you can imagine.

God Bless!

I'm reading the edited version:

You say your daughter has made a real friend... but that she's a military brat, which has you nervous that she's just going to be leaving in 2 years.

2 things:

1) 2 years is a lifetime to young children, and a VERY long time to older kids/teens. If she has a good friend in this girl, encourage that. In 2 years time the situation may have changed entirely, because if she and this girl become besties your DD may have changed / blossomed under having such a great friend and be more than able to make good friends by the time this girl leaves.

2) I was a military brat. I can not only list off the names of all of my besties (Bernie in preK and K, Stephanie in 1st & 2nd, Aly in 3rd & 4th, Mike in 5th & 6th, Bonnie in 7th & 8th, AJ in 9-12) BUT I am also still in contact with ALL of them except for Bernie. (I was too little, and so was she... neither of us were writing or really able to phone). They were all wonderful, deep, and caring friendships that we maintained as I moved, and whom we have visited, phoned, and written to. And we didn't even have Skype!!! (free video conferencing). Something I never had to experience, either, was "outgrowing" friends. Because I was gone, I was a "safe" friend. We didn't fight being 3-5k miles apart, and so we all maintained those friendships relatively easily through troubled hormonal years. And now as adults, we still stay in contact and visit.

So I would say, not to limit the friendship, just because this girl will be heading off to parts unknown in 2 years. The added bene, of course, is that ANY family could move away at any time (job changes, divorce, death in the fam), but with military families you KNOW they are leaving long in advance, so you can prep your daughter for it... like by trying out skype).

I think maybe she needs to be involved with an activity like dance, or music or maybe even a team sport like baseball or soccer. Does she like to read? I'm thinking back and I can remember even in highschool there were the "loner" kids that would just be perched by a tree or on a bench reading a book. There is nothing wrong with that, and you can go through life without a lot of friends, a lot of people are that way. Maybe she would be happier just sitting and reading and if someone comes up and asks her to play she can always close her book and do that as well.
If she has other things she enjoys, like reading, music, sports.... it wont be so important what others think of her, you just want her to like herself, if she likes herself she wont care what other people think. Just help her to love herself for the things she does, knows and accomplishes. Social skills will get better as she gets older. We all go through some of those tough times, but if your esteem is in tact its easy to brush disappointments off.

This is a really hard situation. My first instinct is to say when you do set up playdates, only invite one other child, not up to four. The title of your post, and everything written within it, suggests that your child will do much better with 1-1 interactions and not group settings. Give the other kids a chance to get to know her as an individual, rather than in a group where they can exclude her.

That said, let her take the lead for awhile on setting up playdates. Wait until she asks you to set something up and see who she wants to invite. Let her choose what you do or where you go on the playdates/outings. In third grade, they are old enough to play by themselves when they're at home, so stay in another room and just listen to make sure no one is being mean. If they are playing nicely, leave them alone.

Teach your daughter to stand up for herself. A self-defense class is often a good way for kids to learn some confidence. Ask her if there are any types of classes or groups she would like to join.

Good luck!
K.
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