I am writing on behalf of my sister. She is a single mother of 2 (both girls 5 and 11) who devotes everything to her two daughters. She doesn't even date, as she is very focused on doing what she can to make their lives rich and build a solid foundation. Her older daughter is 11 and has recently started exhibiting very bizarre behavior. My sister's ex husband is remarried and seems to hold his head up high as if he is better than everyone (both he and his wife). He once was the sweetest man, but has totally changed. My sister has the majority of custody, but her daughter does go between homes. Sometimes her daughter cries and is scared to go to her Dads because he and his wife are very strict and very hard on her. It sounds like there are many times when the Dad sticks up and backs up his wife (or allows her to wear the pants in the family and take over the discipline, etc.). My sister's daughter had even gone as far as saying she wanted to go to her Dads less. It sounds like the daughter tries hard to get her dads attention and approval, but she is not very successful. My sister and her daughter are very close and the daughter is very different with the both of them.
Recently my sister found the daughter was lying about homework and forging her mom's signature for school. Everytime my sister asked to look over her homework her daughter became grumpy, told her it was really easy and was done and that her Mom did not need to look it over. My sister trusts her daughter and was not pushing the issue. Of course this was discovered while the daughter was at her Dad's house and he yet has another thing to attempt to bash my sister with (he thinks their home is better and that he is a better parent, of course). The daughter was grounded and locked in her room all day with only books (at her Dad's house).
Now the daughter recently started going to her Dad's house and talking about her Mom. My sister and her daughter's Dad do not get along and her Dad acts like her Mom is no good. Well her Dad supported all of the talk, allowed it and brought it up to her Mom. My sister was speechless -for instance there was something mentioned about my sister breaking a cup in the sink 8 months ago when she got mad and another thing mentioned by her daughter that essentially when she comes home from school and after homework she is bored because she sits around and watches t.v. at home and her mom doesn't do anything with her. My sister also has a 5 year old whom she has to take care of, but does not ignore either of her children.
The dad is thriving on this stuff and will not speak to my sister currently - at the soccer field and right in front of their daughter he says absolutely nothing (as if she is a criminal). My sister tried talking on the phone to her daughter and asked her why she was going to her Dad's and talking about her and her daughter simply took the phone (while crying) and gave it to her Dad. Of course, her Dad allowed her to treat her Mom like this. Then my sister went to her daughter's soccer game and she went up to her daughter gave her a hug and a necklace. Her daughter did not hug back and barely said two words to her (and did not even say thank you).
I know it must be hard to go between two households especially when for the longest time the Dad and Step Mom continually talked bad about my sister in front of their daughter, but they have since agreed to stop this (as it was putting a lot of pressure on their daughter), but now my sister's daughter seems to be doing this. My sister and her daughter's Dad have also recently started counseling too. It seems the daughter is now getting her Dad's undivided attention and approval. It seems as if she is doing this now to get her Dad's love and acceptance (maybe because the Step Mom is always getting the attention in their house??). She has never seemed to feel good enough for them and does act completely different (and very snobby) when they are around. She treats her Mom really bad when she is with her Dad, as if she is putting on a show for them. The daughter has always acted like this to her Mom when the Dad was around, but never this bad. It is very sad and not something my sister would support if the tables were turned.
My sister is having a tough time, she's been crying for 3 days now. She's at a loss and I'm at a loss. My sister said there is nothing to explain the loss and betrayal that she is dealing with. It's as if the daughter she once hung the mooon for will suddenly have nothing to do with her. I have no idea why a child would suddenly turn on their own mother. Any ideas? Anyone go through this before?
My sister is going to change her ways, she is not going to spoil and give in to her daugther as she was before. She is going to be strict, act like a Mom and not a best friend and will push the homework issue and insist homework is reviewed every night since she can no longer trust her daughter. When she is not strict it seems like any little thing that is opposite in the Dad's home is brought up and used as a weapon (allowing her child to skip after care some days). Thank you.
They all need to go to therapy or it is going to get worse. A therapist who specializes in child custody mediation would be the best bet. Her divorce attorney should be able to recommend one who is close by and in thier price range. I have dealt with this personally and it won't get any better without outside intervention.
T.
WOW - your sister sounds like an incredible woman & she is lucky to have you for a sister :) I have almost no first-hand experience in a divided home. I do have a husband who comes from a broken family - not only with his parents, but with aunts & uncles. As I have become close with them, I have learned a few things. The one trend that always seems to "win" is that the "good" parent (I don't say that with any disrespect toward either parent - what I mean is that the one who continues to do the right thing consistently) is the one who is respected in the end. This is the parent who persevered in spite of criticism & trash talk from the ex. He/she kept doing what was best for the children in being there, disciplining them, giving them everything they NEED (doing the best with providing the wants within reason), & being consistent every time. ON top of that, that same parent never retaliated - they never pushed their side on their children, they never spoke ill of their ex in front of the children...My point is, the children respected THAT parent in the end (although not necessarily in the "now") - they recognized the truth in everything that went on as they put the pieces of the puzzle from their childhood together. They will ask questions of family & the "good" parent. A specific example is my husband's aunt. When she split from her children's father, he trash-talked her & turned their children against her. As they got older, her son finally asked her for her side & their relationship now is amazing. From my observations with my in-laws, it sounds as though your sister is doing exactly what she should, even though it is breaking her heart right now. I wish your sister the best - she is in my prayers!
This is a really hard time period for your sister. I'm so sorry to hear that she is going through this.
My older girls both completely changed at 12 1/2, like some switch had flipped and the nice little girls that they were now full of attitude. And more. There were all kinds of issues. I remember that I would talk to them and tell them that... "I loved you. I would do any thing for you. I want you to be able to come to me with any problems or questions that you might have." I also told them that when it came down to it I would always choose being their mom over being their friend. I told them "that my job is to be your mom, to teach you and guide you to be a good person and a productive member of society. I take my job as parent seriously."
This was not a one time conversation. Now that they are 17 & 18 I still tell them that. Though now I've added that my job is to see them through graduation of high school.
Since they are biologically my neices... Yes there has been major drama with my sister. My husband and I are raising them and they live with us all the time, however, when there have been things they have deemed unfair they have called my sister (their mom), my brother, my mother... and given them full blown drama which has caused absolute havoc in my life.
Unfortunately this is part of the teen years of the child your sister is raising. I'm not sure about teen boys, but teen girls are emotional, stubborn and passionate. They firmly believe what they are saying is the absolute truth the moment it is coming out of their mouths. However... that is a very one sided truth.
My aunt told me once that teen girls mellow out at 16 1/2... however, I've not noticed that in my girls. Another aunt told me to hug them whenever I get a chance. Never miss the opportunity to hug and say I love you. I can honestly say that I've seen a difference every since I've made a special point to do what I call "Random Hugs". Walking past them in the hallway. Just popping in their rooms for a hug. Always say I love them and have great daay when I drop them off at school. Also "Random Texts", just a text to their cell phones saying I love you. I'm not saying it takes the teen drama away, but it reinforces that Mom loves them. :)
I think both Rae and Cassandra have excellent points. Your sister cannot control what happens in the other household, she needs to just keep going with what she knows is best for both of her children. Her worrying about it so much causes 1) the daughter a false sense of control of the situation and 2) unnecessary stress.
Letting go when the daughter is at Dad's is perhaps the best defense, and not taking offense when daughter comes home with terrible stories of what was said about mom will be an incredible challenge, but for her own personal peace is paramount to her emotional health. Also keeping her tongue in check around her daughters and ignoring the ex at games would probably be a good idea. Not being rude, but not saying anything would be good. If anything is said to her about it, then she can state she was respecting his choice not to have conversation.
Also, she needs to get involved somewhere for herself. Join a church group, meet up with friends once per month, find a hobby, just something that she enjoys. Take a cooking class at the college or try something she's never done, it will help her feel better about herself in the long run. When the kids are at dad's is a great time to find something she loves to do. She needs to be emotionally stable and healthy for the kids' sake, letting go is difficult, I know, but she will be a better mom for it.
Hello S.: I am the mother of 5. I want to shre a true story of something that happened withour daughter in the 5th grade. Our girl, was complaining with her friends about how rotten I was a mom- strict, bossy, firm and she just had no freedom. The answer was right there the girls said-- just tell your dad and his wife then they can get it for you-- the problem She said but I live with my dad--EVEN BETTER, then let your mom find out and all hell will break loose-- But I live with both of my parents!! TURNS OUT she was the only one of her friends that had the original set of parents and all the other girls knoewhow to manipulate their parents against one another but not what to do with my daughter's situation.
How do I know about this-- My sweet daughter came home crying because she was the freak inthe class because she had her own 2 parents!!!
At this age children do pull away. That is normal. It is not the childs fault that her adult parents refuse to be responsible and talk to one another and set the rules and boundries for the children. One parent can not resonably set all the rules for each others homes. The new adult in the family is apart of things and will have ideas of how thye want things done in thier inviroment.
I have never been any of my children's friend or buddy. That is not my place -- my place is to be the guide and teacher, leader and example for how my children should live their lives. The parent that does this best has the hope of being the one that the child will follow and use as an example to follow. A child that is cheating and lying about school is likely doing the same in other areas as well.
You and your sister may be close but it sounds as if she needs to remember that she has given birth to these children that need her and needs her to set the best exampl that she can. She is not in a relationsship with the father any longer so there is no sompetition. Nana G
You said it exactly: "she is doing this to get her Dad's love and acceptance." I don't believe it is any more than that.
Your sister's ex is behaving terribly, and hurting his daughter by doing so. Unfortunately, your sister can't do anything about his behavior.
Your sister needs to know that she needs to keep being the same loving, nurturing mother she always was, (while not letting her daughter be a complete brat to her), and her daughter will eventually know who is the better parent. She has to be patient. However, she shouldn't try to "buy" her daughter by giving her necklaces to make her daughter like her. That's phony and will backfire.
Also, her daughter is on the verge of teenhood, and ALL teens, male and female, particularly start to separate from their moms in their journey to independence. That is normal and healthy, and your sister can't take that personally.
Tell your sister this story: I have always been the main parent, my husband mostly lives in his own world and occasionally jokes at the kids or gives them a little lecture or whatever, but I have been the main orchestrating force in their lives in every way, good and bad, and a lot of times I don't seem like such a fun mom.
A few days ago I was watching a TV show with my 16 year old daughter (who has definitely been doing her own separating from mom in the last 3 years) and the topic of the TV show was about mothers leaving the kids to be raised by dad. My daughter and I were discussing the ethics of the subject, and my daughter looked at me and grinned and said, "Can you imagine if we had been raised by Dad?"
That says it all.
Hi S.,
You already have a lot of good advice. I hope you and your sister can keep in perspective that she is not intentionally doing this to mom. She must feel secure enough with Mom to take this knd of risk. She clearly is not secure with her father's love/approval. I am sure she is going to deeply regret this later. I wouldn't recommend changing parenting styles too much (of course, your sister needs to be a mom and not a best friend.) Keep the bigger picture in mind - she's a tween and this is just a painful stage.
This is beyond human understanding except to say we are not perfect and one parent wants to be better in the eyes of their child than the other parent. Parents do this instead of putting their child first. I have had several parents in my day care who have split custody a half week each of thier child or children. The kids tell me they never give up hope of thier parents getting back together even when they have a boyfriend/girlfriend or even get married. I am so sorry for your heartbroken sister whose daughter is using her Mom as a ploy. All I can do is pray for your sister and her daughters and their Dad too.
F.
It sounds like your sister is in a typical post-divorce mess. It is sometimes hard to understand how otherwise seemingly reasonable people can use their children to try to "punish" their ex-spouses, but they do. Children are all too easily manipulated, and they often see a chance to become manipulators in the situation, as well.
Your sister needs to understand that her daughter is trying out the role of manipulator here. If your sister remains cool, and refuses to allow her daughter to be disrespectful to her, and refuses to allow her daughter to manipulate her by pretending to prefer her father, your niece will eventually see that her father is using her, and her mother is the better, more consistent parent.
If your sister refuses to rise to her ex-husband's bait by frantically trying to change her parenting style just because she's been criticized by him, then she'll have a much easier time getting through this. If she is more comfortable being a "best friend" type of mom, then that's the kind of mom she should be. Your sister should not allow her ex-husband and her pre-teen daughter to dictate her parenting style.
Sympathy to your sister, of course. It sounds rough.
However, in your last paragraph you make it sound like your sister is already planning how to solve her problem herself, so you can stay out of it...except to be a sympathetic ear for your sister.
Watch the interpretations and judgments you make when you think or talk about this stuff with her---like the ex not talking to your sister, "as if she were a criminal" (maybe your sister's words, not yours-- but in any case, it's only speculation about his intentions). I don't even know what that really means, except that he is ignoring her...which many exes will do.
I DO think there is an explanation---Starting puberty is tough, and that is where your niece is right now. It sounds like she is struggling with her identity and her changing family structure, and trying some manipulations out.
First she says she wants less time with Dad, then she acts like she likes him best---the first attitude gets good attention from Mom-and maybe less attention from Dad, the second attitude gets increased attention from Dad, maybe even approval/agreement from Dad, and a very dramatic reaction from Mom (ie: crying for three days). She may be spending more time on the second attitude because it's working so much better than the first!
The most important issue is not whether mother and daughter are best buds, but whether daughter stays on a "good path" (academic, moral, etc.)as she grows into the woman she will become. The good news is that both Mom and Dad are interested in daughters path, though they may have slightly different approaches to handling it.
The relationship between the ex and his new wife, and the relationship of the ex with his daughter is not your sister's business (or yours)...your sister can just do the best she can, and can let her daughter know that she feels very *disappointed* not to be able to trust her own daughter. It really doesn't matter what gossip your niece says to her Dad, unless she starts making up *false* stories...the custody arrangement is not going to change, regardless of whether daughter or ex thinks your sister is perfect or flawed.
My best advice for your sister is to spend more time focusing on herself to balance her feelings. Making one's children the single focus of one's life is not healthy for parent or child. She can try to get out more, even if it is only with friends, and give the daughter some new responsibilities to show that she knows her daughter is not "just a little girl" anymore (in addition to being more strict). Hopefully they can start building a new way of relating to each other.
Good luck to all!
Sounds like counseling for all is the best answer to get a professional to give your sister direction and support.
I wanted to add that any custody arrangements should be made through the courts, meaning that this can be ordered as a "temporary" change to see how it works out. Also, the courts can order that neither parent nor their spouses/significant others, friends or family can disparage the other parent in the presence of the children.
Please keep us posted.
Blessings.....
Hi S.,
I think your sister should suggest that the 11 year old go live with her father and visit her every other weekend. That "grass is always greener" theory may cause her daughter to stop playing with her mother's feelings and also allowing her father to do the same.
I would not give a kid presents for being uncaring and obnoxious.
Being a good parent sometime includes doing a very difficult thing. Chances are the “new wife”, will not want the child full time and the father would also be prompted to change his attitude.
As for the counseling, I believe your sister should be involved. This child is clearly being pulled in different directions and is too young to understand what is happening. Adults should know better. It sounds like your sis is in a lot of pain, but doesn’t have much of a backbone. Maybe you can help her grow one.
Blessings…..
This is parents behaving badly. Both of them (if not all 3) need to get on-board and do what’s best for the child. Not only is the 11 year old going through an emotional time, she’s getting the message that her mother is not regarded highly…..which is detrimental to both of them. Her daughter feels torn and is just lashing out. This can all be resolved once the “adults” step-up put aside their differences and insecurities and be a united front. I have a lot of love going out to your sister….I’m a bit livid reading dad’s behavior, but I am grateful that they are seeking counseling.
Bottom line, mom and dad need to respect each-other and support one another….and they need to talk to each other…no blame, no-fault….just move forward. Once they correct their behavior, the daughter will correct hers. There is nothing wrong with the beautiful 11 year old…she’s doing the best she can with what she knows and feels. Mom and Dad need to take responsibility, talk it out, and resolve their issues. It’s hard, but well worth it.
S.
