New Stepmom and Parent Teacher Conference

The Stepmom should not be there... it's not her place You guys are the active parents. You should address this before hand

I have been through a very similar situation. I decided to try the open minded approach the first year and it went really bad! So I would not recommend that route. Since then I have insisted that if they want to be included in conferences and IEP's then they must schedule their own appointment. I then discuss the situation with the teachers at the beginning of each year so they are aware that I am the parent with physical custody and I am the only decision maker. They are very understanding of this all and help to pacify the other half by doing things separately. This is the 3rd year and they seem to be much less interested in the important things in my son's life now that they know they won't be able to push my buttons in the process. Doing things separately has also cut back on the stress on my son too since he no longer has to feel the tension and worry when we are all together. Good luck with whatever route you decide to take!

A.,

Ok I started to read everyone elses post and starting getting mad, so decide to respond first.

I have been through this twice (ex has been married twice now). The first Stepmom was a teacher also and we butted heads on everything, the second has become my best friend.

1st off no matter how you feel about her the most important thing is your daughter. I have read all of your inquiries so I do know some of the background from what you have posted.

The stepmom isn't the problem here, you and your ex are. It seems to me from all your postings that you two are trying your hardiest to punish each other.

I think that it is okay for the stepmom to be there because she will be included if your daughters life. As far as you bringing your Mother again that is just being spiteful. If your boyfriend was involved in your daughters life he should be there also.

This isn't about you and your ex, its about your daughter.

I know that this isn't what you wanted to hear but since I have been through it twice sometimes you have to eat crow for your child welfare.

I wish you all the best of luck and hope that the stepmom is an active and postive influence in your daughers life and that you give her the opportunity to be unless you find her to spiteful and involved just to punish you. If you have never seen the movie Stepmom might be a good time to watch it. I mean really watch it.

Good Luck

Wow, this woman has some serious Guts...from the past posts you have written, I wonder if them getting married is just another way to show that they are trying to provide a Healthy, stable household, and will try to present that as a front in this meeting?!?! I would be seriously annoyed with her, and although now she is technically her stepmom, I don't see this meeting as something she should be attending. It's YOUR child, NOT hers.

Keep your cool though, and if things present themselves at the meeting, speak up, don't be afraid.

I know you do not like her, I know you are having tensions, but here is the reality --- this woman is spending a lot of time with your child, and she will be an active participant in raising her while the child is with her Dad. Personal opinion - you need her as an ally. She needs to know what to do to work with your child (the speech homework -- been there, done that). She needs to know what is going on at the school. For your child's best interest, I think you should allow her to attend and understand what is going on. Does she have a say? Not really. This is your child, and you and your husband are the decision makers. But this woman is with our kid now and will be for probably some time. You will be much healthier if you try to work with her rather than against her. You don't have to like her, but they are married (too quickly or not, that is what happened). Let him make all of the bad decisions. You be the mature one, you be the one to work as a team with them to get your child what she needs. You won't regret it, and your daughter will witness this and respect you in the long run for it.

A. ~

I can relate to this situation from both sides...being the parent with and ex & new wife, and being the step-mother.

I believe in one of your prior posts you said that you share custody with your ex. So, like it or not, the step-mother is going to have a huge impact on your daughter's life. How wonderful that there is someone else to provide love to your daughter! Step-mom's aren't always the evil ones :)

My ex's wife (then later girlfriend), never came to any of my son's conferences, but did come to some of the sports things. And when I got married, my husband went to things, too...not totally different.

I'm a nurse, and I remember how angry my husband's ex would get when I tried to help my step-son properly use his inhaler for newly diagnosed asthma (she was the parent, so she felt she knew more about asthma, but having been a cardiac nurse I often taught people how to use inhalers).

I know you are angry with your ex for alot of things...I can understand that. But for your daughter's sake, you have to let go of some of that anger. It's a good thing that he wants to be involved in her education...not everyone has that. And maybe the step-mom can give a different perspective to things. I agree with some of the other writers that maybe you should get together with her and just get to know her. She spends time with your daughter. My husband's ex (they had been divorced about 10 years when I met him, plus he had already had another long-term relationship & child before we met), always hated me...but she's never, in over 13 years, held a single conversation with me. And she made every effort to exclude my husband from any decisions made about their children. However, as adults, they both see that my husband was not always the bad guy. My step-daughter and I talk every day, and I help take care of her son every chance I get. We even work in the same place (she's also a nurse!).

I think for your daughter's sake, you all need to come together and help her deal with the issues that she's having.

good luck in a difficult situation!
D.

I know it is hard but you need to take a step back and look at the situation from the outside. The main focus here is your daughter. As much as you might dislike your ex and his new wife they are and always will be (at least him) part of her life too. You need to put aside your feelings for that meeting and focus on the steps you need to take to get your daughter the help she needs. I know how hard that is because I have been there in that same spot. What you need to remember is that all of you will need to follow through on what she is doing at school in the home. It is easier for everyone to be on the same page if you hear it from a third party. So with that being said, I can say that my situation has gotten better and know my ex and I are able to do things together for our son without the anger that used to be there. Hang in there and focus on your daughter it will get easier.

Hi! Wow, what an awkward situation you are facing! If I were you, I would feel out the new stepmom at the conference and try to figure out what her motivation is. For your daugters' sake, you must try your best to rise above challenge and have a respectful relationship with this woman, she will be caring for your kid after all. Good luck keeping it together, I'd be mad, too, if I were you! Bring your mom to the conference, great idea, it will meake you feel better, and she can probably be a good advocate for you daughter. Just some thoughts!

Tell him that you respect her role in your daughters life (even if you don't) but that you think this is something you should be doing together. There will be nothing said that he can't report back to her.

A.,
I empathize with you, really. I know that the last time I responded to your concern, I considered hubby and gf out of line.
To play devil's advocate, tho, in this particular matter, the stepmom's experience is something she does know and would like to use it. As his new wife, she will naturally want to take an interest in his kids, especially being a teacher. I mean you need to put yourself in her shoes for a moment and objectively ask yourself if you wouldn't be doing the same. In your last concern, before they got married and she was trying to throw her weight around, I still feel she is/was out of line. But in this instance, she will go with her hubby out of love/devotion/interest/etc and with her education to back her up. What you can do is maybe call ahead to the school and ask if it's appropriate.
What I'm detecting is your hurt and uncomfortability to be around her in any given situation. You can ignore her and show her that you're bigger than this difficult situation. It would work in your favor to show that you're moving ahead and aren't going to break apart every time she's around.

I feel for you, you are in a tough situation, where you can't control everything. It is obvious, that while your daughter is at her fathers, the step mom will have a say, weather you like it or not. This might be YOUR opportunity, to "feel" her out a bit. And I would bring your mom if that would make you feel better. But I wouldn't fight on this. Pick your battles.

i wouldn't bring your mom, i'd bring my new boyfriends mom, sisters, brothers, cousins, and a few of my loud girlfriends...fight fire with fire...

I would consider getting in touch with the group that is having the iep or individual education plan. They probably run into this more often than you think and can give you advice as to who should be there. I think its a mistake to wait and see because if everyone shows up it can lead to a real mess. Why not tell your ex that you would be interested in any help from his new wife but outside of the meeting. that way they can't say that you are being petty. I hope this helps.

If you feel that strongly against it, you should have the discussion with them PRIOR to the meeting at the school - you don't want to air your dirty laundry at the school like that. Plus, your feelings will spill into the meeting. If the outcome of the conversation is that she's coming, period then, you can be prepared, bring your mom, have your feelings in check, etc.

By no means should your husbands new wife be part of this meeting. Being a teacher does not make her an expert on special needs and she can make her observations/suggestions known to your ex if she wants but should not be commenting directly to the multi disciplinary team that is evaluating your daughter. I would make it clear to your ex immediately and if she shows up immediately you should tell the people you are meeting with that you do not authorize her to be present at this time. There are strict regulations on confidentiality regarding special needs programs and you have a right to limit who participates in these meetings. I have two children who have special needs (speech delays also) and would never let someone who isn't very familiar with them into their meetings. Heck, I won't even let a certified psychologist in if they haven't spent significant time with my kids. Maybe if the stepmom had many years as primary caregiver for your daughter it would be different.

With that said, try using a little "sugar" first and be very polite and straight forward with your ex telling him you aren't comfortable with it. You can always be more firm if he gives you a hard time but its always good to start out nice...you will probably get more cooperation that way. Good Luck...I hope you're daughter gets placed in the preschool, they are wonderful. You are doing the right thing getting her evaluated.

I would be cautious around these two if I were you. Here's how I would handle myself at the conference. You should remain calm, cool, and collected. Deep down inside, you know, they are trying to rattle you--it's obvious. It's all drama and mind games. Make sure you focus totally on your daughter's situation--not these two and their games. Do not appear defensive or upset, just be a very loving and concerned mom. Also, never say anything bad about these two in front of your daughter or the school officials--that will come back to haunt you--trust me on that one. Document the situation when you leave and keep notes on everything he has to do with your daughter. Always make sure that you do what is in your daughter's best interests like making sure she visits with her dad as court ordered, talks to him on the phone, etc. Try to be civil to these two even though it is hard. Somewhere down the line, remember: what goes around, comes around. If they are in this with ill intentions, each will get their day, if you get my drift. Also, make sure you have a good attorney who specializes in custody--you're going to need one.

Good luck to you:)

M.

Dear A. Mom
I totally understand your delima. I too, was confronted with an unwanted guest at a parent teacher conference when my son was in kindergarten a few years ago. My son father's very young girlfriend decided to accompany him to our son's parent/ teacher conference without my consent. Not only that but she had the nerve to participate verbally in the conversation. This was most annoying and unlike her, I didnt want to cause a "drama scene" at the school. I am professional and she is very "ghetto". She has invited herself to my son's sporting events, birthdays, and ceremonies. I don't make a big deal about it, (though my family does) but the parent/teacher conference is too much. those conferences are for parents not step parents unless it was requested and if both the step and other parent have full custody, otherwise the step mother needs to wait outside or in the car and not be a part of the meeting..period. An outide party only complicates the meeting because the teacher won't know who she needs to address. You can tell your daughter's father your concerns before the conference to avoid a confrontation. Welcome her to come but have her wait outside. Stress to him the importance of just the two of you dealing with the concerns of your daughter. Her teaching experience does not make her an expert in knowing and caring for YOUR child, and her opinion would not be necessary or important since you and your ex will make the determination on your situation. Personally, he is a fool for even thinking that it's ok to include her in the conference when it has nothing to with her and her opinion does'nt matter. I hope she will be mature as well as your ex with your concerns. God Bless you sweety.

Whoa~ After reading some of this, and knowing that everything you are going through is tough, demanding and highly stressful; you need to think of your daughter and what is best for her - if it is a special school or not - not whether whom is going to be involved in what or not. To me; it sounds like you are looking too much at all the drama and chaos.

Sit down with the ex and his new wife; the grandparents and yourself. If you have to - include the lawyers to make it official or to mediate. Or, the school's counselors. ALL OF YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE some things as there are too many issues going on here and it needs to be addressed as ALL OF YOU are affecting your child with it. The new step-mother will be a part of her life... and your daughter may even like her. You will have to accept and deal with that.

Your daughter may be little, but she is experiencing everything, seeing everything and hearing everything.

If your daughter is having issues of any kind, she should be coming first - not anything else. Sit down and get this conversation taken care of with those involved in your child's life before any more damage is done to her emotionally. Don't worry about 'titles' and whom is going to be acting as 'mom'... you are her birth mother and mom. Be there for her and show her you are without concerning yourself over the excess drama.

A. - While I appreciate that you have had many ongoing issues with these people, it is time for you to set aside passive-agressive tendencies and deal with this directly. If you do not think it is appropriate for this lady to be at the meeting, then she should not be there. You are the parent here, not her. You need to let the ex and the new wife know as soon as possible that this meeting is for the parents and that too many cooks in the kitchen only confuse things. If she is interested in your child's well-being and truly cares, she will take a step back and wait to be told what she needs to know about it. She will also be able to read the IEP with all of the recommendations. IEP's are very specific and list all of the goals that need to be achieved by the child and in what time period - there shouldn't be any question in her mind as to what "the plan" is after reading that. You should not let this conversation slide until the day of or the moment of -this is would not be a mature or effective way to handle it - ambush style. Direct communication if delivered in a matter of fact way should handle this one. I wanted to add that I am uncertain what expertise this lady could add to the mix (is her teaching background even relevant to the issues here?)- is she a speech pathologist? There will be individuals there at this meeting who ARE experts in their respective fields and who will have examined your child, so being second guessed by her claimed expertise in speech pathology or anything else will probably be counterproductive in terms of getting things done at the meeting. Good luck.

Hi there -- I have been through the same experience, both being the step mom and with a new step mom for my daughter. My advice would be to "head this off at the pass" and attempt to come to some understanding with your ex that neither of you will have new spouses/significant others involved in school decisions "at this point". You can both always "renegotiate" at a later date. That way you aren't "one-upping" him with your mom on your side when the new step mom is on his side... it eventually becomes a war that leads to so much stress. Try to work on an agreement that you and he will make the decisions for your daughter RIGHT NOW and "tweak" when necessary. You will appear to be calm, rational and eager to find middle ground, while still leaving the door open for any future spouse of yours to have input later as well. Mini-battles win the war... otherwise you might create "rules" that you may want to break later. Hope this helps!

Hello A., There are laws on your side here. The school system can only allow the parents to make decisions for a child. Just because your ex married his gf, does not make her your daughters mother. Call the school and let them know that you do not want this woman in the meeting without your ex. If your ex cannot make the appointment himself then that is his problem. Only he can join you. You can however have your mother with you at your invitation. She cannot make decisions, but can be of support to you while you do the brain storming. Call the ex and address this with him. Never try to work things out with his wife as again, she is not the parent. Communication should always with with the ex on all subjects relating to your daughter. This prevents a lot of power struggles between the parents and the courts will back up these laws for the best interest of the child. As far as your credit, go to the police as this is illegal. Then let friend of the court know also. He could lose parenting time if he uses your daughter to get back at you. Good luck. P.S. She can join you ex as his support person, she just cannot make the decisions.

Speaking from the stepmom's point of view, I would not have tried to step into something like this so early in the relationship. What does this woman even know about your daughter, at this point? However, assuming that your former husband and the new wife stay married for some time to come, she will be part of your daughter's life and will, hopefully, be a good influence on her and will just be one more person who cares about her. I have not read your other posts, so I don't know the background, I'm just speaking from my experience. I'm glad that my husband's first wife eventually calmed down and realized that I was not there to threaten her or push her out, but only to help support her children. I'm glad I stood my ground, and my husband, too, of course, if he hadn't wanted me at those events, I wouldn't have been there. If I hadn't been involved in their lives to that extent, I don't think we would have the relationship that we do today (it's certainly not perfect, but we do have a good relationship).

Good luck!

C.

Hi A.,
My name is A.. I am a mother of three, 15,12,7 all girls. I have remarried to a wonderful man, the girls adore him. He has two from previous now 24,22.Boy & girl. My ex and I attend all parent teacher, medical etc.. together(no spouces).Our youngest has etopic Thyroid so there is several testings throughout the year. My husband(stepfather)and I both agree this is the "Father" and Mother to handel since we are the LEGAL parents. He is not put out or threatened by this at all. It's for the kids and about the kids. My Ex (of over 6 yrs now) has asked thoughts of my now husband. My husband has never forced the issue. I think your Ex's "new"wife is rude in asserting herself into a roll she has no right in. Being a teacher or not. She should let the two of you handel your own situation as needed. Remember...YOU are the Mom. You know her better than anyone, not that down the road you just my have a good repore with her. Hopefully. I hope this helps. Let your Ex know how you feel. Remember ou have to spell it out with men they are not good at guessing(LOL).

A. S.
Mom(43) of three beautiful girls, a wonderful husband(46)

I think that only the biological parents should be there for the decision making process. They are the only ones who can sign the papers. Once therapy is initiated, perhaps the stepparent may be included so as to be aware of how to help your daughter achieve her speech goals. By the way, I am a speech pathologist who works in early intervention.

Hello A.,

I am true believer that it matters who you allow to speak into your life and situation. And some of the advice i read scares me! Fight fire with fire and bring your family and friends! no! this is not a joke or a circus as i am sure you know and can feel this, I am not familiar with the situaion entirely so i can't have much of an opion but what i can say is like some of the other mothers have said is remember the goal which is your daughter. You are her mother and no one can take that away from you ever! If the president and his wife is at the meeting do not let that intimadate you...if she has some questions or advice to add let that be what it is only something she can add to what you and the child's father are doing nothing more nothing less. if the situation is a violent one than yes it should be a separate meeting but if the adults can act accordingly than meet together with the understanding that the goal is to improve the quality of OUR childs life. Deal with the separate issues (credit jacking ect..)separately... I do know that it can be a hurtful experience (from experience) so i know how important it is to move on and let go....and letting go for you maybe you knowing that NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE YOUR PLACE IN YOUR DAUGHTERS LIFE! If it were not for you she would not be here, so know that and allow her step mom to add to what you guys are doing and keep your one eye open and on her like we mamas do! you may have to do damage control when she comes home because of the conversations they have with her but do just that tell her the truth but never talk bad against someone else to her, for example i think i remember you saying they told her that the step mom was her real mom, that should have been funny to you and you could have mad e a joke about it to your daughter and framed her birthcertificate and hung it on her wall and said if you hear that again think/or look at the framed art on your wall! sometimes you do have to fight but never in front of the child just give her the true understanding in a light unstressful tone..

Be blessed in the meeting as well as mature.

Cherie

i know it is hard dealing with a bad ex. however the fact is he did remarry so the new step mom will be part of your childs life. i know i felt the same way when my ex did the same . once i looked at it from the benifit my chid it be came easier for my child and everyone else involved and the new mom was helpful in providing my chid what she needed when she was with her dad. however if you strongly feel you don't want her there you need to discuss this with your ex and her before the day.

Ok here is my take on this whole situation. The courts will not allow her in any of the meetings it is not her place read your friend of the court hand book and the judgement of custody. She at this point has no place in any of these decissions. So as far as school goes you have the right to request that she is not there with the school, couslors etc. If you were not doing your part and there was a problem with it they might allow it but this is your right. I was a step mom and now have a son in that position my ex is incompadent to hadle any situation reguarding the children hers or mine. So yes I took a role but I never went to parent teacher meeting or had any part in those type of meeting the extent I went to was to write letters to the school with his signature so he could get copies of his childrens report cards and to be included in those type of situations. My sister is a step mom who is there for the child in everyway and now they have full custody difference being is she has been there since the child was born and the childs mother did not attend meeting unless she knew my sister would be there, she didn't send her daughter to school or even take her to dental and doctors appointments unless again my sister was going to be there. So take that as you will but I would check with the friend of the court, school superentendents, and/or a lawyer. There is no reason she should have a say unless court ordered or requested by the school as a consultant. It is good to see someone takes there time with getting another person involved in there childs life I always waited 3 months to even introduce another man in my oldest childs life except you guessed it the my second ex. That is great to many people bring them in to fast.

I don't think that it is appropriate for the step mom to be present. So, she is a teacher. Does she have a certification in speical ed. (this is something totally diffrent than just teacher certification)? Does she have experience dealing with speech delayed children? Just because she is a teacher does not mean she knows anything about special ed or speech delay. Also, I have gone through this with my child and if your daughter was already tested by a school psychologist, social worker and speech therapist and she is going to speical ed. preschool it is because they are recommending based on the testing. So, what is her presense needed for? The only decision to be made at this point is if speical ed. preschool is what you and your ex want.
I believe that their is something to be learned from anyone's experience. If I felt that she truly had something to contribute and could benefit my child in any way I would not have a problem with it. But, I don't think this is the case with this situation espcially if she does not have certification in speical ed. If she did I would be the first one trying to pick her brain if It would help my child. I think the ex probably asked her to attend so she could feel wanted as part of the family.
I think that moms are the true "experts" you are the one who will be working with your daughter to get her more verbal outside of school. You will be the one seeking outside assistance (speech therapists, etc) and taking her to appointments. It will be You who will read the books on speech, and how to prepare for IEP's. Don't be fooled "YOU" are the one who will be the main source to get your child though this. So, the best thing you can do is start speaking up now and don't worry about anyones hurt feelings. Just tell them if they can't help get out of the way because you and your child have plenty of work to do. But it would be so wonderful if everyone could work together and only think about her needs.

Hi A.,

I am a speech langauge pathologist in a local school district and just some thoughts from a person who has attended a number of meetings with the similar issues...
I would recemmend you talk to the person who is running the meeting and let them know what the situation is. Being that they have probably sat through the situation before they can tactfully explain to everyone (mainly your ex and his wife) how the law works and that you and your ex have the final say. The wife can contribute to the conversation but when it comes to the bottom line and making a decision she has no legal rights. As much as you don't want her at the meeting, it may be better to just allow her to come and let the school personal be the one to put her in her place. That keeps you from looking like the bad person and they will never know that you had contact with the school prior to the meeting. Hope that helps. If you have any other questions let me know. Good Luck!

I've read a lot of your other questions too and it seems to me, to be a tough spot you're in. As hard as it is or would be, if the new step mom has any type of formal training then I think she should be included. However, just the fact that she is or was a teacher does not give her the expertise to help your daughter. But if she worked with developmental delays then why not let her help? You want to help your daughter right?