The Step-mom Is Stepping on Toes

Hi,

Wow, lots of step-mom bashing! It's okay - being one I realize the amount of anamosity especially cause there are still unresolved issues between ex's & here comes some outsider with their 2 cents!

My husband also has full custody of his daughter she came to live with us full-time at 6yrs old. Unfortunately, being the female in the house I've had to take over since mom really wasn't in the picture (kinda the same with you only having visitation - no offense). After a while my husband started relying on me to make all of the decisions regarding her because the two of us were there daily.

Not that he meant to step on any toes, but that's just life, he couldn't exactly call her mom for everything so I got left with the major decisions (school clothes/projects, parent teacher conferences, birthday parties etc.)

What I may suggest is trying to open the door of communication, try meeting with her. Obviously, like another person said she's trying to get to know you if she get's on the phone. I did that with my husband's ex, we would meet for an hour or 2 maybe once a month & talk about everything regarding only the child. It only took our first meeting to clear up the personal issues (she used to ask inappropriate personal things all the time) - after getting together it stopped. That way your input is still valued & you may become ally's which can be helpful as your daughter starts reaching that "rebellion" stage.

Oh, BTW, your husband may be opening up to his new wife about you which is good for his healing. Just remember you're supposed to marry your best friend & best friends tell each other everything!

Okay.. This is advice from a step-mom, but don't dismiss it completely yet.

First off. Your daughter is 11. Depending on what state you live in, she could very well call the court/child services people up, and tell them who she wants to live with. No arguements, no making her stay with her dad, just, "Okay. Go live with So and So." That is what my husband's daughter is waiting to do. She's 9, and can't wait until she turns 12 so she can come live with us. Perhaps, even at 11, she could talk to child services and see what they could do.

As far as step-mom goes, I would suggest you try to use her as a mediator. Obviously, if you get into a fight with your ex, she tries to step in. Yes, she is biased, but so are you. You two need to at least try and get along, for your daughter's sake. I'm sure it's a completely different situation, but my step-son has stopped calling me A. and started calling me Mom, since his mother is completely out of the picture now. She doesn't even call, and no one knows where she is. My husband's daughter, would love to call me Mom, as she doesn't like her own, or her mother's new boyfriend, but doesn't live with us yet. Talk to your daughter. There was probubly some sort of agreement in the custody papers that states no one can talk badly about the other parent to the child. NO ONE. There is in my husband's papers. I never say anything that could be construed as negative around the children concerning their respective mothers. I can't. I put the custody in jeopardy if I do. And I love my son. So yes, get a lawyer, go over the custody papers, learn what age your daughter can make up her own mind, and then talk to the step-mom, nicely, and civilized. It might turn out better than you think.

First of all, forget about bogus finger pointing and things in the past she has no business bringing up, she just wants to get to you, remember, if you let her succeed in getting to you, she wins. I know it's hard but ignore her. It's not going to do any good getting mad, people like that are usually quite miserable and have to see other people miserable just to get by in life.

Secondly, make it clear to your ex that you and he share a daughter and that you and he will make the decisions for her. And make sure to document everything that transpires between you and your ex and the nosy new wife.

And finally, go back to court, try get your daughter back at least 50% of the time.

Remember, every "dog" has his day. I believe in Karma.

Take care. You will prevail, it may take awhile but you will.

I don't have too much advice from a mother's perspective since I am still expecting my first baby, but I have been the child in the middle of this situation since my parents divorced when I was 9. I lived with my mom, but my step mother was very intent on being in the middle of everything between my mom and dad. Now that I am older I realize that she was most likely a little jealous and insecure about somebody her husband had kids with being in his life all the time. If you think about how you might feel in that situation it might help you to understand how she feels and have more patience. As far as her getting personal info. about you and your current husband I think you might want to talk to your daughter and see if they ask her any questions or if she talks to them about you. I know when I was that age I would offer information to each parent about the other sometimes to make them happy because I wanted their approval. I didn't do it to be mean, I just didn't realize what I was doing until I got a little older and knew better. A nice talk with her, calm of course, might help you to figure out if she might be offering info. to make daddy and stepmom happy, or because she may feel pressured. I hope this helps and that I didn't offend you by suggesting your daughter, but it is something that happens and it isn't her fault. Hang in there.

I have the same problem. My ex is also a jack***. He also has custody of our 5 year old son. Long story here also and kind of like yours. I'm in the middle of a custody case with him. With the whole step-mom, I don't think their is a way to get her to butt out. I have told my ex that she need's to stay out of things when it comes to our son and it don't happen. My husban now does alot of talking with my ex. I can't he pisses me off and than we don't get anywhere. And as far as her knowing what is going on in your family now, I'm sure so how some way you all know the same people and are still friends with thous people even thou you and your ex are no longer together. Well people talk. So the only thing I can say is becareful on what you say and who you say it to. I have learned who my true friends are though all of this with my ex. It hurts knowing how many people trund their backs on me when my ex and I split. I was not the bad one out of all this. He just couldn't keep his pecker in his paints.

The question you are asking is should you try to find out who is telling the ex's new wife intimate details about you, and should you eliminate this person from your life.

The short answer is YOUR EX(probably), and NO.

Now for the long answer and some advice:
Assuming your perception of how this situation arose is accurate, and I do-at least for arguments sake, then you must agree that your husband is the one divulging personal information about you to his current wife. If the information was about him and his relationship with you and how that affected him then I could consider that a healing thing, otherwise I think that divulging personal details about you and your family life and upbringing, etc. is wrong; it isn't really her business. And she shouldn't want it to be. Your only option, in my opinion, is to refuse to speak with your ex's wife. When the phone rings simply tell her "I will be happy to discuss my concerns with ________, but I'm sorry, I just don't feel comfortable discussing these issues with you." And then say goodbye, immediately and as pleasantly as possible and HANG UP!!!!! Seriously, I mean that from the depths of my soul, every single time, the same exact statement without alteration. Don't let her drag you into a conversation that will just cause more animosity and frustration out of the hope that you can get her to take your side; she is not on your side, and if she is escalating the situation she isn't on your daughter's side, nor even your ex's, really. And, this is judgmental and probably lacks too much information to offer but I will anyway, your husband is using her to fight his battles for him. If you simply and absolutely refuse to allow her to try to mediate (which she can't because she is biased and invested-a mediator is neutral), then he will have to begin to engage the situation directly, or he will find himself losing ground where his daughter is concerned. You can't really distance yourself from your daughter's father. For the next 7 years-heck, for the rest of her life, you will both be her parents. Stop arguing about her. Just stop. Don't get embroiled in a confrontation. Document each conversation, maybe address your complaints to him in a letter (a well thought out, non-threatening, insightful, moving and honest letter, get it?-and keep copies). And let your lawyer (get a lawyer!!!) look into altering the custody agreement. But, at least for now, what happens in your ex's home is his business, provided your daughter isn't being abused or neglected, and what happens in your home is your business with the same caveat. That's just the way it is. All you can do to minimize the drama is to refuse to participate in it. And thoroughly enjoy your daughter, realizing that ANY time with her is a gift you must refuse to have sullied by anger, frustration or pettiness.

She gets this info from her husband. They tell eachother everthing, I'm sure. What I would do is tell her your side of everything. Become her friend. Apparently she want's to talk to u otherwise she wouldn't call. So everytime she calls tell her something she doesn't know but make sure u never talk bad about her husband! (unless she does first!) At first it will be hard, uncomfortable and maybe just plain horrible, it takes a min. to change someones views on people so give it time and get to know her. She'll get to know u and probably will end up taking your side on some things. Use her to your advantage. Be sneaky, he obviously was in getting custody of your child! It's your turn. Remember be patient and take your time.

Mine is differant than yours but still the same. my ex's girlfriend wont let him talk to me unless on speaker then she'll put her 2 cents in. Also I have custudy of our kids. he does not help at all. she also has kids that are in the dad's custudy for the reason that she is and unfit mother. she is on drugs, now job. on the streets. until she met my kid's dad and moved into the parent's house. anyway she will try to tell me how to parent my kids. she is always telling me and him we have no ties and we should'nt talk since were not together anymore. I recently found out about a possible medical problem of mine and wanted to keep him updated and she flipped saying it had nothing to do with the kids so she hung up on me. whenever I bring them to visit dady she is always around and trys to earn the love of my kids, no problem except If it was'nt for them in the relationship, belive me she would not be anywhere around my kids. I think that the fact that your daughter is in her home and under her watch is reason for her to be in the conversations about arguments because she could possibly turn his head but she has no right to talk about your family. that is no concern of her's and she does need to butt out. and when it comes to the kid she should be a part of it because technically your daughter is her's too. I do undestand that it's hard to let someone who is not imediate family butting in but put yourself in her situation. he is probably not telling her your concerns and complaints that's why nithing is getting done. let her know that way she can privately talk to him about it. be her friend. I'm sure she is just trying to help and if you don't let her then it turns into hate toward her.