How to Get It Across to Stepmother to Stop Being a "Glorified Babysitter"

Oh my gosh, you sound like my mother. Bitter, angry, no one can do anything right, her way... and she tried to poison the kids against my dad's second wife and dad himself.

I'm going to give it to you short and sweet: my sister and I don't have a relationship with her any more. Wanna go down that road? because lady, you are already driving down it. Parental alienation can really backfire.

As others have suggested:
1/ Stay out of their marriage and stop trying to play the "just you wait and see, you'll be pissed and miserable like me" thing with his wife.

2/ Accept reality. She's their stepmom and you have a custodial order saying the kids may be at their father's house. I spent plenty of time with my stepdad when mom was on trips. Ditto my stepmom when my dad was at National Guard or out fighting fires with them.

3/Do your job as a mom, which is to provide containment, peace and stability for your children. Your kids are better served with YOU having a good attitude about this. YOU are the example.

4/ Stop being mad and complaining, grow up. If you are constantly looking outwardly to 'fix' things, you miss your first best asset-- fix yourself and your own attitude first. Goes a much longer way than being snotty and mean. Go get some counseling if you need to-- learn to accept the reality YOU helped to create and learn how to interact with people in a healthy way.

You truly need to stay out of their marriage! Stop telling her that her husband is a jerk. Stop telling her that she's going to be trashed by him!

First of all, she's the only one doing all the parenting and not getting these mini-vacation business trips that you say both he and you do. She's taking care of your kids, so be grateful to her! Women need to either support each other or leave each other the hell alone. Meantime, you have picked her as the person you want to either be mad at or "mentor" - as if it's your job to "get through to her"!! That really comes from a position of arrogance or insecurity or remaining anger about your marriage's demise.

In fact, stop talking to her about your kids, and parent with your ex. See what your court order says about visitation and being around as well as swapping dates if conflicts come up.

Don't involve the kids in discussions of how much they don't like her. SHE is not their problem! Their father is. And if they are coming home and finding a receptive audience in you while they badmouth her, then you're part of the problem as well! I'm sure they know they're getting a rise out of you or some sort of reward for divulging information, and don't think that kids can't manipulate the situation even if it starts from real pain in being abandoned by their father.

Talk to your lawyer about what can be done, and don't engage in discussing much of anything with the stepmom unless it's to be kind and thank her for the job she is doing.

You will regret taking the low road and being angry all the time - your kids will remember you as being uncharitable and ungrateful. And this giving woman will be the mother of their half-sibling, who is being born into a family of conflict. Be nice to her. For starters, go get a Mother's Day gift for her with your kids, wrap it and tell them to write a nice card to her. Don't ask for something for yourself - just show them how to be giving and warm and grateful.

You don't. What is your problem? TALK TO YOUR EX or take him to court. This isn't her problem. It's your problem, and HIS problem. He has parenting time, and during his parenting time, he arranges for care for the kids. If you want to change that, modify your court order so that you get right of first refusal if he is not going to be present during his scheduled time. She isn't doing anything wrong. Either modify your order or not, but stop harassing her and stay out of their marriage.

You don't. You are divorced. Your ex husband has his own life and it really isn't your business. You deal with him when you need to talk to him about something related to your kids. You do not deal with his wife. They are married and she is your kid's stepmom whether you like it or not. It was his choice to marry her and it really is not your business. I'm sorry if this all bothers you, but you need to let it go and mind your own business. Your kids will go to their dad's house on schedule and sometimes dad will be away on a business trip. Over time they will hopefully bond with their stepmom and she with them. If you wish you change the visitation schedule you and your husband have in place, you must go through the courts to try to change it. You do not talk to your husband's wife about it...that is simply inappropriate.

Well - couple of thoughts.

I don't think you convince Stepmom she is a 'glorified babysitter'. I think you are really overstepping and crossing the line there. You don't tell her that her husband is going to leave her and is a jerk who is using her.

You must see that's totally uncalled for. You don't make comments like that. That's just way too much.

As for arrangements for when he's out of town - I would talk to him or your lawyer. I don't know how that works - but I don't think you have a lot of say here. I have a friend who is stepmom to 2 kids, and she often cared for them while her husband was away on business. She is a big part of their lives and always will be. She has her own unique relationship with them.

I get why you are frustrated. Sounds like you are annoyed at your ex. Understandable. However, don't take it out on Stepmom.

Stay out of their marriage! Trying to break them up will not help your kids. Encouraging your children to ask dad to divorce will not help your kids. Talk to a lawyer about custody issues. Don't try to manipulate stepmom.

Added after your SWH........how would you feel if your ex trashed you to your new husband and told him all the awful things he could expect from you in your new marriage?

You are being extremely inappropriate. You don't talk to their step mom. At all. Leave the poor woman alone! She is pregnant and you are telling her that her husband is going to leave her? What is wrong with you?! What happens with the kids during his time is none of your business. Stay out of it!

You should probably just keep your opinions on the matter to yourself. I certainly wouldn't be discussing what you don't like about your ex with his current wife. That is inappropriate. How he chooses to utilize his parenting time is up to him. Just be there for your kids and let them sort out their own problems. You're asking for trouble.

During his time you can't force them to return the kids just because he is out of town, she is their step-mother after all, not just a girlfriend. It is nice that you have let her know she does not have to keep them but maybe she is viewing it as a chance for them all to get together and bond before their little brother or sister is born.

By being her friend, not her enemy.

Instead of directing your displaced anger at her, feel empathy that she may be feeling the same way you did when you decided to divorce your husband.

You remember what that was like, right? No emotional support...no partner in parenting, trauma for the kids,etc. Now imagine if, at that time, he put you 'in charge' of raising his other children by another woman without his help. Imagine how awful that must be for everyone (except, of course, your husband).

Making step mom miserable in her marriage to your ex WILL NOT make you feel better.

You know better then anyone what she is going through. Open up the door of friendship to her and be a good friend, because this is in the BEST INTEREST OF YOUR CHILDREN.

Finish grieving the loss of your marriage, own and manage your anger so that you can forgive your ex, and then forgive yourself for the divorce.

Perhaps seek out counseling, because honestly, you and stepmom sound like you may be the only stable parents these kids have.

This woman is going to be the mom of your kids' sibling. Stop trying to 'get through to her' and start encouraging your kids to form a good relationship with her and enjoy the time they spend with her. She is the mom of their little brother/sister. Regardless of what happens with your ex-husband, she is going to be part of your kids' extended family forever.

Co-parenting with an ex (someone you really don't even want to have contact with) has got to be really tough. Some days I find it tough to co-parent with my husband!

What you have to try to keep in mind is that when it's his time with them, it's his time with them, and it's not your time with them. You have to trust that he is their father and that he's got it. I'm sure that isn't easy, but you just have to remind yourself that he's their father and he loves them and he's going to make sure they are taken care of.

If the kids are complaining or upset about anything that happens during his time, it's your job to listen and offer support to them. It's really important for you to support their father. They need to feel that support coming from you. You know that it's important for them to have a good relationship with their father, and you can be very instrumental in that by showing your kids that he has your support.

You're not going to love every decision he makes. But you have to do your best to remind yourself that he is their father, he loves them and ultimately, he has their best interest at heart.

Just as you wouldn't want him to critique every decision you make while the kids are in your care, you have to give him the space to parent in the best way he can.

You also need to recognize that he remarried and that his new wife is a part of your kids' lives. They are a package deal, and sometimes she is going to be their primary care giver. That's just the way it works. Things may not have worked out between you and your ex, but that doesn't mean they won't work out between your ex and his new wife. Hey, if you met someone, would you want your ex telling him bad things about you and how you'll never make it as a couple because you and your ex didn't make it? I really don't want any of my ex's telling my husband why it didn't work out and why he should run from me. First of all, every relationship is different, and second, I'd like to think I've learned at lot and grown up just a little bit since then!

Treasure your time with your kids, be supportive of their relationship with their father and with their step-mom, and they will one day thank you for it!

Put yourself in her shoes. You've been a single mom for 10 years. So your children aren't babies, stop sharing your issues about this situation with them. They need to have a relationship with their father and his new wife, her child and any children they have together. Try not to poison that with your bitterness.

Stepmom is not ever going to see things your way. She has her own stuff to deal with in trying to be the best parent to all the children if she is a good woman. If she isn't then she will treat your kids as poorly as they are treating her with the tainted bitterness they are getting from your input into this situation.

If I were the stepmom I wouldn't have any of your lip. You don't get to decide nor determine what happens in my home any more than I get to decide what happens in yours.

Often courts will recognize new relationships between step parents and step children and keep it under consideration, so your wishes for a court to automatically turn the kids over to you when their father is not around may not even be entertained.

It also seems to be about control for you too. You want to control the stepmom and your ex.

How can you change your attitude and make this better for your kids while you make arrangements in the court to facilitate a change of the custody arrangement? If your kids are under 14 they will have no say in the court and if you come across as the bitter ex-wife which is how your post is reading to me a judge will rip you up one side of his courtroom and down the other. Tread carefully. You may not get what you want and you may make this situation worse for your children.

Long story short - get counseling.

I'm assuming, based on your comment that she gets mad at you because she has to care for all the kids, that his wife does not want this arrangement any more than you do.

If your current custody order requires your kids to be at your ex's home whether or not he is personally there, then both you and his wife are getting the short-end. She's not "acting" like anything, she's stuck with it until you fix it, just like you're stuck with it until you fix it.

There is no point in butting heads over it with invasive conversation or bringing more drama to the table with dire warnings, especially if you're on the same side in regards to where the kids should be when your ex is away. Keep the focus on your kids specifically, what needs to be done and take action.

Go back to court and modify your custody arrangement to add 'right of first refusal'. That means when your ex is out of town or otherwise unable to spend his visitation time with the kids, you have first dibs on having the kids with you vs a secondary arrangement. A word of caution - it can also mean that you need to contact him first for childcare if you need to be away.

I never understand why people go to the trouble of trying to handle these issues on their own. All of the drama you are describing, comes from that.

You need to hire a lawyer to help you figure out whether you can alter your custody agreement in such a way that your ex only has the kids when he is not traveling.

It is unlikely that it will happen exactly the way you want, especially if the trips are at all connected to work. Also, the involvement of his wife (the stepmom) in his parenting time is not something that the court would disagree with unless there was something very wrong with her.

Talk to a lawyer.

You want to control something that you have no control over.
You need to stop because it's going to eat away at you - and this might be exactly what your ex wants.
Control freak that he is - he's still exerting control over you by doing this.
The new wife will learn eventually - but she won't listen to you.
I would really stop telling her about what you do when you don't have the kids.
Telling her you have mini vacations is just rubbing in salt to the wound (and really, isn't that something you'd expect your ex to do?).
I know you're trying to tell her that your ex is doing the same and she should think about that - but it's back firing and she's only displacing the anger she should feel for your ex onto you.
Maybe when the new baby comes she'll not have so much time on her hands and will be thankful if you offer to take your own kids for more of the time.
But don't hold your breath.

Bitter, table for one! You have some serious healing to do Mama. I understand you feel tremendously let down by the father of your kids but your efforts seem to be in the wrong place. Focus on healing yourself and on figuring out what you can change in your life and what parts of your life just have accept. You sound so vengeful.

I agree with the other poster's insofar as it isn't your place to talk to the ex's wife at all. Believe me, many of us have seen the new wife facing the same train wreck we went through with our ex's, but it isn't your job to warn her of impending disaster. As you can see, she isn't going to listen to you anyways (and honestly, who IS going to listen to the ex-wife?).

I think you need to change your relationship with your ex's wife. First, how do you know she is mad at you? Yikes, that is WAY too close for comfort if she is talking to you in that way - same as it is too close when you tell HER that she is being used by your ex.

Let his wife find her own way in the world and figure out what to do about your kids on your own. Get an attorney to see if you can modify the visitation order to "first right of refusal." Many decrees have this - all it means is that before he leaves his kids with anyone, including his wife, he has to see if you can take them first. It is pretty common. You may not get all the time back when your ex is gone and you are home, because your kids do have the right to spend time with their 1/2 sibling (which I am assuming the new baby will be), but it might be the happy medium everyone is looking for.

Good luck!

The only thing you can control here is the fate of your own kids. Hire s lawyer if you want to make changes in your situation. And leave that woman alone. You are too involved with her day to day. Especially since you still work with her hubby. Let her figure him out by herself. It's not your place to tell him anything about him. She probably thinks you are the cray one.

let me get this straight.. your kids have to go to their dads. and while they are there he leaves on vacations. leaving his and your kids with his new woman. step mom is mad that you and dad are both on a vacation from the kids and shes stuck watching them?
i say you need to talk to the kids dad and tell him he has to be home with the kids or not have them at his house with his new woman as a babysitter.
its the dad that needs to change not the step mom.