Daughter's Only Friend Can't Come to Her Birthday Party

I'm sorry for you and your daughter. Whether it's justified or not, right or wrong, this mom has made it pretty clear she's not interested in letting her daughter be friends with yours. It sucks but what can you do? The only thing you can do is move on, and help your daughter move on by getting her involved with kids and groups that she may have something in common with.
You need to teach your daughter about social cues (and maybe yourself?) because very few people will come right out and say "we don't want to hang out with you" instead they ignore, cancel, etc. and hope you will get the hint. I know it hurts but really why waste time on pursuing people who just aren't that into you, you know? Your daughter deserves better than that, and so do you.

May I suggest this:

Your daughter has a great on-line relationship with this girl. That's working.

What's not working is getting together in real life.

You never know what goes on in another family's life. There could be stressors, an inability to organize, whatever.

I think you are furious cause you are afraid your daughter will have her feelings hurt.

That doesn't have to be the case. You can tell her that this other girl really likes her, but her mom hasn't been able to arrange a time for the two of them to get together.

Don't as they say, throw the baby out with the bath water. Let your daughter enjoy her on-line friendship, and have a family party.

Be well and enjoy your little girl's special day!

It would be nice if everyone could just be polite but direct, wouldn't it? This mom should just come right out and TELL you, "my DD is not up to getting to together with your DD, thank you, however for the offer, I'm sorry I hope you will find another girl who is interested in a (playdate, outing, sleepover, whatever)" I have no respect for people who lie and play silly games just to save face. Adults should be able to have difficult conversations gracefully. When you got on Skype, however to call her out on not being "right" you went overboard and really ticked them off. Now it seems she's playing. Whether or not her cancellation was legit, the take-away was, this family isn't reliable. And a lot of empathy for your DD that she was so disappointed it didn't work out. That's when you start to help your DD cultivate other friendships. If DD insists "this" friend come to her birthday celebration, it's a good time to gently remind her that her friend's family has a track record of not keeping their plans, and expect a very real possibility it will happen again. It's OK to let this girl just be a school friend, or a Skype chat buddy because that seems to be working ok for both girls. Does DD want to take the risk of yet another cancellation? Let her decide, but give her some other options to celebrate her birthday.

You and the other mother are totally in different places. You are recovering (which I am so happy to hear) and you are exhausted.

That mom, for whatever reason, has decided that your home or your daughter are not for her daughter. So she either accepts and then (rudely) cancels at the last minute, or she keeps suggesting another option. I wouldn't worry about housekeeping issues on either end. I think she MAY have concerns about all the electronics (Skype, games, youtube) and it doesn't matter that her kids might be on their devices far more than your kids are. The fact is, you don't really know what goes on in her house, and she doesn't know what goes on in yours. For all you know, her daughter TOLD her that they made youtube videos and you said it was fine. Maybe her daughter is trying to get a rise out of her mom, maybe she's lobby for even more lenient rules, who knows? If the daughter is too immature to be able to go to a restaurant, or so rude that she says she doesn't like the restaurant you chose, she's not ready for this kind of intense friendship. Perhaps she's so used to her mother changing plans, challenging your plans or criticizing that she's learned it's okay to do this in social relationships. Maybe she's just a dominant personality who likes being sort of in charge of your daughter, going into her room to do stuff they all know they shouldn't do, and so on.

You can't keep begging for dates, you can't beg to get into the Scout troop, you can't keep bargaining over home/skating/park/mall.

Your daughter, meantime, like all kids, needs to learn to adjust to disappointment. She needs to learn not to put all her eggs in one basket, as if life is awful if she can't have a sleepover. She needs to branch out and have other friends who are more reliable. It's really okay to explain to her that this other family has different schedules, priorities, styles, rules and manners. Instead of always always ALWAYS being disappointed, your daughter needs to try some other things and people. You already said that she was happy about this restaurant, so go with how fun it will be, how nice the water is, blah blah. You can't always look at the glass as half empty, you know?

And, I'm sorry, I do agree that the electronics have to come out of the kids' rooms if you can't supervise. It's not enough to "try" to do better. I believe you that this other mom is a pain in the neck, and rude with the last-minute cancellations. BUT, she's right that kids should absolutely not be able to record anything at all without parents knowing what's going on, because they are too immature to know what's acceptable, they egg each other on, and the next thing you know, stuff is on the internet or texted to some of the other kids. It doesn't matter that they know your rules. It matters that they follow them. This will be a big legal/liability headache for you in the future. You might think that Minecraft is harmless, but you really don't know what they're doing in that room all the time, and it only takes a second for them to get into something they shouldn't. Until your health is fully restored, and even after, you probably should revisit your rules for other kids in your house behind closed doors.

Your daughter needs other friends. Not going to another kid's house for 2 years just isn't right. This girl is not her best friend because the get-togethers are not workable, and there are two very different parenting styles at play. Your daughter needs a larger group of friends, at least some of whom can have dates or sleepovers. Meantime, be sure to use this is a teaching moment for your daughter to discuss manners, how to behave with another's parents, how to be grateful for things you don't necessary like (restaurants, meals served, computer rules, etc.), and so on.

Please, give up on them! She is trying to tell you so, but you are not getting it. It probably has nothing to do with the computer or all her other excuses. Let them go on their way. You are acting WAY too needy. Your main goal should be to help your daughter make more friends in or out of school so she has back ups. And maybe tell the parents about her diagnosis.

find your daughter a new friend. these people are not worth wasting time and emotions on.

I can really relate to how hard it might be with this daughter and electronics. My younger son has been diagnosed with Social Pragmatic Communicative Disorder. I tell everyone that he has Asperger's because it's just so much easier. I do force him to give up the electronics because I know it's important for him to do other things. I also know that kids with Asperger's are very often using them as an escape because social interaction is very, very draining to them. So I really do understand. Still, it's so good for him to find other things to do. I would encourage you to just let them know that they have to find something else to do. You don't have to find something else for them to do. They need to find something else to do.

I'm concerned that your daughter is 10, makes youtube videos in her bedroom, skypes, plays online games, and that you and your daughter communicate with other people via text and other electronic means.

I'm glad that you're recovering from your illness, and glad that you're trying to get your daughter involved with people and making friends, but frankly, if I had a 10 year old daughter who was invited to someone else's home, and I found out that the young girls were filming themselves on youtube in a bedroom, I'd ban get-togethers as well.

"Trying to monitor" is not the answer. Banning electronics is the answer. Of course, your daughter can play age-appropriate games on a computer (not online games, but single player games on a disc) that is in a family room or in otherwise plain sight. No youtubes, no smartphones, no skype chatting. It only takes a second for a savvy kid to post something terribly inappropriate, to click on YikYak or SnapChat or even dangerous sites.

Perhaps your daughter and this girl were filming perfectly innocent youtube videos, of a kitten, or a Barbie doll in various outfits, but I'd have to assume, as a parent, that at age 10, filming videos in bedrooms wasn't innocent. I'd be wary and super cautious.

Perhaps you should have a face-to-face talk with this mom and assure her that electronic communication will no longer be allowed by your 10 year old child, and ask if you could start over. Maybe invite the other girl and her mom to join you and your daughter at a PG movie, and pay for popcorn and treats for all.

And please find out about internet communication rules. Your daughter should not have access to youtube filming and online games until she's 13, and then with complete supervision by you. Learn about the apps that masquerade as innocent things like calculators. Learn the age rules. Move the computer to wherever you spend your time - the kitchen, the living room, etc.

Really what you're saying is - you've asked this kid to come join your daughter and family celebrating her birthday at a restaurant and pool. The kid's parents have let you know she won't be able to make it.

I think that sucks but that's life and you move on. Enjoy the birthday with your family.

As to - should you still be friends with this family? I think you just accept it for what it is. Sounds like they are either busier, have to change plans at last minute, have other friends, whatever their situation is ... and accept that. If so, leave it for a while. If the kids want to get together, they will ask.

If you feel the mom/kid are giving you the brush off, again, then just leave it be for now. If there is no interest on their side - then you know.

I think you sound pissed off at this family and perhaps they can sense it. If so - then really back off.

I have a child with ADHD and understand the need for electronics. I'm not going to bash you there in any way for the time she spends on them. For special needs kids, electronics time is a way to socialize and I know how hard it can be limiting something that proves beneficial.

As far as this friend, I would not try to plan anything more with her. That family doesn't sound interested and even if the daughter is, it's just not going to pan out. Let them continue their friendship at school but don't push for anything beyond that.

You might check into social groups for kids with special needs in your area. She might make some friends there who accept her as she is and won't play these sorts of games. Also look for another Girl Scout troop in the area. That mom isn't the queen of troops and don't let her discourage you from having your daughter rejoin.

wow, i feel for the other mother. it's not your daughter's fault that she has social issues and trouble making and keeping friends, but that doesn't mean the other girl and her mom are beholden to you.
had you called me and taken me to task for cancelling on a play date, that would have been the last time our kids played together. whether she had to work or went skating is none of your affair. i'm sorry she felt it necessary to make excuses to you. my guess is that you took her aback with your inflated sense of daughterly entitlement.
you even put the word 'friend' in quotations. no wonder the mother doesn't feel as if you're invested in anything but using her daughter to make yours feel better.
with the scout troop info it sounds very much as if you're inadvertently sabotaging the few social opportunities your daughter has.
you might want to be careful about that.
khairete
S.

I hate it when people do this bullshitting around rather then just being honest and direct with people, she thinks she is being nice about putting you off when she is really being incredibly cruel to your daughter. I would cut them loose.

Edited
Sounds like this is a friend via electronics. I suggest it is much easier to have conversations when the girls are not together especially for someone who has difficulty with social cues. Talking via the computer is more organized, focused more on verbal communication, and has a pattern. Celebrate because your daughter has mastered social cues on the Internet.

Seems obvious to me that this computer friend, for an unknown reason, isn't going to spend face to face time with your daughter. That is just the way it is. You've guessed at reasons but have no way to know if what you thought is even related to girls not getting together.

I'm puzzled about this being her only friend. I suggest you encourage her to make other friends. Who does she sit with at lunch? Who does she play with on the playground? I suggest you encourage her to choose potential friends to go to an activity together. Then be prepared to help your daughter with communication. I urge you to learn ways to bridge the gap by making suggestions during conversations. In this way, your're teaching how to initiate and respond. It might help if you model conversation skills for her at home.

Of course both of you are disappointed. Sounds like the friend spending the night was considered a done deal by you. I have often thought if I just say the right words, do the right thing, the other person will agree with me. I analyzed people and circumstances in hopes I could say and do the right thing. Life really doesn't work that way.

I thought it was selfish to not consider what I needed first. I focused on the other person instead of accepting they were not going to give me what I thought I needed. With counseling, I learned to first decide what I wanted. In your case you wanted this particular kid to stay overnight. So you kept trying. I suggest that if your primary focus is on planning a way to give your daughter a happy time on her birthday, you might've realized sooner the friend wouldn't be coming over. You could've then focused on making a new plan while helping your daughter deal in a positive way with disappointment.

You did come up with what felt like to you a compromise because you were still focused on this other girl. So both of you are disappointed because you didn't reach your goal of getting this friend involved. From your description of your daughter's reaction, she was initially disappointed but moved on the next day. Her reaction is a healthy one. Why are you still focused on finding a way to fix this?

You're, apparently still trying to figure out how you can get the friend involved face to face. It won't happen. There comes a time to accept that it's not happening and move on.

My way of gauging when it's time to change course when the other person.does not agree is that I'll only make 3 attempts. This would include times I wasn't included. The first refusal can be just the timing. The second refusal suggests to me the person isn't interested. I make one more attempt to feel more sure that they aren't interested. This may happen in just a couple of weeks.

I've learned over the years that direct communitation works best. First, accept the other person's no without trying to change their mind. You and your daughter make a plan B just in case. Go to plan B.when mom cancels again.

We do want our children happy. We also want them to mature into healthy relationships. We are not responsible for our children's happiness. We are responsible to help them learn ways of being happy without depending on someone else to make us happy.

I suggest you read about co-dependancy. A co-dependant person relies on the other person, what they say and what they do, to be happy. We keep trying to get them to do what we think we need.

Just to let you know, Minecraft is the NUMBER ONE online game that predators use to get kids for sex trafficking. So it is NOT an "innocent game".

Now about the rest...it's hard to plan things when you have kids. That is just a simple fact. The other mom told you why she didn't want her daughter going to your house. A lot of kids that age are into making YouTube videos. My 13 yo son does it. But there has to be a balance and since her daughter probably does it so much at home, she's hoping when she's with friends, she can do something else. So that isn't a big deal. When my kids friends come over, our house rules apply to them as well. So they know what to expect. Maybe you can make some rules for the girls before she comes over so they know they won't be online the whole time and will be doing other things. Let the mom know ahead of time what you have planned and she will be more likely to let her stay over.

It also wouldn't be a bad idea to help her find more friends. My daughter has Asperger's too so I get it. She's in high school and every year she has to make new friends because there's literally thousands of kids there and they rarely have the same classes together each year. So start your daughter learning now that people will come in and out of your life. It's a good lesson. Good luck.

The other mother doesn't want to be friends. It seems her daughter may not want to be friends either. The Mom is probably taking her cue from her daughter. Her daughter probably told her mom that she doesn't want to go to your daughter's party so she is making up excuses for her.

Your daughter is on the computer too long. My daughter can not visit online sites except for youtube kids and then she has to let me see what she wants to watch. There are too many dangers with these sites and kids.

I think joining girl scouts is a good idea. She doesn't have to be in her friends troop. Maybe if she joins she can make new friends. You cant force your daughter or yourself on to other people. I know your daughter likes this girl but the feeling may not be mutual. Good luck!!

You need to find out what the heck your kids are doing on electronics. I say this, because the other mother sounds trapped by you and not wanting to hurt your feelings or tell you how to raise your kids, but she does not like the lifestyle happening in your home.

I feel sad that you have gone through cancer and she doesn't seem to have much compassion for you or your daughter. Do your other kids have friends over often?

First, I would use the term "friend" loosely. Yes, your daughter likes her, but maybe she doesn't like your daughter--that's life--not everyone will like you. As for the sleepover, we don't allow them. My kids have played with kids 100s of times and never had a sleepover--ever. Sleepovers, in my opinion, are completely overrated:) Focus your energy on finding a new friend for your daughter. I would not contact this family again.