Daughter Wanting to Move Out

This might be a great situation. OR, it might be a mistake she needs to make.
However, you can advise her to have a contract that you should read. Other then that, it's her decision to make. Sorry, mom.

If she is going to pay for it, then let her move out. It's time. A normal girl wants to move out at 19. After six months, she will know how good she had it. Experience is a wonderful teacher. But, it will take six months, not three, as suggested below. :)

19 yr olds tend to think they know everything, so all you can do is try to talk with her, and make her see that this woman is likely going to take advantage of her. Ask her if she really wants to live with someone who has 3 kids. Tell her she'll likely be saddled with the extra responsibility of watching these kids, and probably won't be compensated since the lady is going through a divorce and money is probably tight. Suggest she find roommates her own age and make her see how much more fun that would be. They could split the cost of the apartment, split the household duties, hang out together and just enjoy life.

Good luck!

She's 19... don't you remember being that age? The more you advise and opinionate on this subject, the more she'll do the opposite of what you want her to do.

It's hard to watch our loved ones make decisions that will lead to something is most likely going to end bad, but some people need to fail and fall and learn the lesson.

Hi I am going throught somthing similar with my daugher, she is 19 and moved out and now decided to live with her boyfriend who she just met like 6 weeks ago at work. I called the boyfriend and was mad I called back and apologized to him. BUt to no avail on my daughters part she now has blocked me off facebook and wont talk to me at all. So my advice to you, is keep a close connection with your daughter, she is going to make this mistake whether you want her to or not. We all have to learn from our mistakes and we don't want our kids to make these mistakes and we as moms want to protect them from them. But learn from me and don't push her away even further. She will come around and learn the hard way or maybe if she sees you are trying to understand where she is coming from then she might be willing to listen to your advice. Good Luck I feel for you. I understand you are in my prayers....

Yep, let her walk right out the door. The mistake will teach her.

My very well into her adulthood daughter just moved out on January 30. She didn't want to write an agreement because the roommate was a friend and they talked. She said she had it on her text message because some of it was via text. I told her to print text and hold on to it. At last, he wrote a 3 line agreement and signed it.

Monday she came through my door in tears. The agreement he wrote clearly said the rent included utilities. He came home that night and said he received his power bill and she owed him half. While she was gone, he called several friends who said he had to follow the contract he wrote. She had told him she could write him a 30 day notice and be out, but he apparently needed her to stay. As well, they are a little higher on the mountain, so it is colder...he won't let her turn the heat on. He says it is too hot. Tonight she is leaving to Cancun for vacation. He was suppose to take her to the airport (she just dropped him off and picked up) and he wouldn't answer his phone. Finally he did, but when she went to print her ticket, she discovered she is now locked out of the Internet. Here you can only have one Internet connection per house. Summers are extremely hot, so if he refuses to turn the air on, she will have to move.

So, if circumstances are not proper living conditions, your daughter can get out of any agreement.

Let her go, watch her learn. That is what I am doing.

Sometimes kids your daughter's age have to learn their lessons the hard way. Tell her that if she moves out, she loses your financial support. Tell her that she will probably end up being expected to financially support this woman, and take care of her kids. Tell her that nannies are paid to do this, rather than PAYING someone to live with them and take care of their kids. But if she needs to learn this lesson by being taken advantage of someone, then go ahead and move in with this woman and her kids, and learn the lesson.

The best way you can help your daughter is to let her find out the hard way. DO NOT cover her costs like her car insurance or cell phone costs. (DO continue to cover her under medical insurance.) If you put that burden on her, that's less money she can end up giving this woman. If you have co-signed a credit card, cancel the credit card. The LAST thing you need is for this woman to talk her into spending money on a credit card and you end up on the hook for the charges when your daughter cannot afford them.

What I am telling you to do might sound tough, but it will serve you both well. You cannot prevent her from moving out, but you can make it harder for her to give her hard-earned money to this woman if she is actually having to cover her own bills. It will teach her how to figure out how to cover her own expenses, too, mom.

Dawn

She's an adult, so even if her reasons are foolish this is out of your hands. The more you protest the more eager she will be to get out of your house.

As for divorces and murders...you're being weird and paranoid on that one. Don't say that outloud to your daughter.

Well my son just moved out with his girlfriend who does not work. Moved out after making a promise to us, and basically will never be able to return to college. It's a very sore spot with us....but he is an adult.

All you can do is voice your concerns, and move on. My son knows that short of a major catastrophe, he will not be able to come home. We are willing to let them live here as long as they like so that when they do move out it is at the right time in their lives; education, finances. Plus we have younger kids that will be moved into their rooms. He knew this and still made a stupid choice.

Oh well, sometimes learning things the hard way is the only way they will learn.

Keep her room ready, she will be back in less than 3 months' time.

Ugh, almost adults can act so dumb, I surely did at times! I truly feel for you. My kids are still so small, but here is what my mom did in my era of stupid decision making: she said her peace and then held he peace. She always kept the lines of communication open and I knew I could run home if I hit the wall. Funny thing, I never had to! But she helped me a ton as I grew up and began navigating more adult situations. So, just be there for her, advise her and be there to help her pick up the pieces if need be. Hang in there!

i was kinda with you until you got to 'men killing their families for splitting up.'
not only is that a rare phenomenon, but what does it have to do with your 19 year old being ready to start her adult life?
sounds to me as if you are hampering her forward progress with your fears.
let her move out and make her own mistakes. be there with advice or help if and when she asks for it.
khairete
S.

I'm sorry, but if she won't listen to your kind, non-finger-pointing observations about this major step, there isn't much you can do. Legally, she can go where she pleases. It sounds as if your daughter thinks anywhere else would be better than her mother's home.

Sometimes you have to let people do what suits them - and learn their lessons the hard way, scary as it may be. (That's called tough love.)

If your daughter changes her mind about doing this - or decides Mom's house is a little better than she thought after she has tried it a while - draw up a business contract about her staying with you. Charge her some rent, some or much of which can be traded out by doing *specific* work around the house. You may not really want to, but it could be better for her. She wants to feel like a grown-up, not a daughter. It's simply not socially fashionable for grown children to live with their parents, so make it a business arrangement instead of a family one.

I agree with Dawn. Your daughter works hard for her money. She's going to need that money than ever if she leaves your house. Let her make her own decision, but make sure she understands how much more it will cost her in living expenses. If this woman means to take advantage of her, I'll bet that arrangement won't last long. Also if your daughter isn't keen on housework, household responsibility, or picking up after herself, her future roommate may decide rather quickly the arrangement isn't working. As far as being caught in the lady's divorce cross-fire, all you can do is gently warn her she may be entering a potentially dangerous environment. Don't tell her she can't go, but make sure she understands the risk. If she really wants just to move out, I'd tell her she'd have my blessing, but take some time to weigh a few options (younger roommates, college housing, etc) and not just jump to the first place she can go to for the sake of getting away from home. She may go anyway, 19 year olds often can only learn from their own life experiences.

I'm so glad I enlisted at 17... So all my dumb lessons got learned without my parents freaking out.

You don't want her to go, because you know better
You know better be ause you've learned
She hasn't learned, yet
So she doesn't know better

None of is would need to experience life at all if we just listened to our parents.

Pretty dull life.

Or to Quote Finding Nemo

"Well you don't want anything to never happen to him, or nothing would ever happen. Not much fun for little Jethro."

If you don't know this woman you don't know that she will take advantage of your daughter. All you can do is suggest that MIGHT happen but the more you lecture on it the more your daughter is going to not listen because she knows you don't know.

Try to calmly and factually talk her thru the process of moving out while emphasizing the factual instead of the maybes. If you're paying some bills for her and you don't want to do that let her know but it will sound like blackmail to her.

I urge you to let her learn her lessons from experience. I learned the hard way that I had to let my daughter learn her own lessons. Much of what I predicted didn't happen.

The 'lady' is going to be your greatest fortune. She will make your daughter her live in babysitter, counselor, cook, etc. She will return to you with her tail tucked.

I understand your concerns.
I suppose you can go e her advice, like she should have a written agreement with any landlord, roommate, etc that covers what, exactly is expected of her, but sometimes, ultimately, time and first hand experience are the best teachers.
Good luck!

Suggest to your daughter that she get a rental agreement in place with this woman, that spells out EXACTLY what she is to pay as well as any and all house rules either of them might want in place.

After that leave it be. Your daughter will do what she wants no matter how you feel.

And I agree with others about the "men killing their families for splitting up" ... very not the norm. Have you been watching too many shows in Investigation Discovery?

Get a background check on the woman.

Your daughter, MAY end up being, a babysitter and bill payer for this woman. The woman after all, is no longer working and she has 3 kids. She MAY rely on your daughter to foot the bills for everything and sees your daughter as a way to get her bills paid and have a "free" babysitter for her kids etc.

But, your daughter is 19.
I have done things when I was that age, that my parents would even tell me bluntly, "THAT IS STUPID." But they never stopped me from doing it. But they spoke their mind on it, especially if they saw a train wreck coming and hitting me on the head.
Hard knocks.

Your mommy radar is saying to you that this does not feel right.
As moms we intrinsically want to protect, our kids. No matter what age they are. And sure, who knows what kind of man, this woman's Husband is. Or if he is abusive or has anger issues or violent tendencies. And how will your daughter even be able to study, with 3 kids in the house? And how small or big is that place your daughter will live in, with this woman and her 3 kids?

Sure, the woman may well just have your daughter be her handy live in maid/babysitter/bill payer/cook.
Who knows.

Hopefully your daughter will not sign anything, the woman presents to her. About their living arrangement and expenses.

Maybe, have your daughter, read the responses.

Get a background check on the woman. Even if you have to pay for it.

In your previous posted question about "Food Stamps," you said the woman has 4 kids. But here, you say she has 3 kids.

My son did this. He moved out and my husband started redoing his room into my sewing room and moving stuff around. About a month later I got a note attached to the tv asking if he could please come back home.

We met and discussed what he would have to do in order to move back. He was so grateful because he got "tired' of someone eating up the food he brought in and using the other items that he had and no one pitching in to do things.

So let her go with your blessings. Keep in touch with her. Let her fall down on her face and pick herself back up. All this will toughen her up to understand what the real world is all about.

My daughter wanted to move out at 19 but felt she couldn't afford to and live the way she wanted. About four years later she was able to do so and has not moved back since. We have a great relationship and will continue to do so.

Good luck to you and your new adult daughter.

the other S.

PS This year she bought her first new car after the other gave up after 13 years of wear and tear.

If she is 19 and going to college it would be so much healthier if she was living in a dorm and being around other college kids instead of living with a divorcee with a bunch of kids. The woman will want her to be the nanny or something.
I would not care what kind of loans I had to take out I would send my kid to college and let them experience being away from home in a more restricted way.
They do not need to be at home having an attitude either.

Your daughter wants to be treated like an adult. Be excited for her. Help her to make a list of pros and cons. Be sure to add some of the pros to her list so she sees you are supportive. Ask her what would cause her to want to leave so she can keep her eyes open for situations that would be less than ideal.

I like the idea of having the lady write out rent/utilities and any babysitting responsibilities and other expectations, even if she would pay for babysitting. Does the woman expect her to take $2 an hour with no notice, for example?

If your daughter doesn't feel comfortable asking, tell her to use you and say that she has a weird mom and she wants to do whatever it takes to leave home on good terms...

The problem is that she wants it so bad, she is not going to listen to you. I know I didn't when I was 19 and wanted out from under my mothers eye.

So, instead, you help her through the process. Help her get a rental contract in writing, that way, all parties know who is paying for what and there are no questions. And, of course, you make sure she knows your door is always open if she needs to come back.

she might have to learn the hard way. do you have another family memeber she looks up to and will listen too who is wise? like her aunt, uncle, older cousin? I would recommend her moving out with friends her age and college classes she has too. If she does move out (anywhere) explain to her about how much she should be paying what is fair and have that written in an agreement and signed by both renters. It sounds like she would be supporting the woman.