Daughter Won't Let Me Put Her Down

No you can't hold her all the time, and I wouldn't want to either!! I once babysat for a friend of mine whose son was carried around all the time by his mother. He didn't want to be put down, I had 3 other children to care for, he was getting put down. My suggestion is that you try putting her down for 5 mins, then 10, then 15. Go to her and show her you are there, comfort her, but don't pick her up.Set aside a certain time of day that you spend with her, maybe watch some Sesame Street, make her feel like she gets you all to herself for that time. I know it is hard, but it will get better, she will learn that putting her down doesn't mean you disappear. Teach her now because it only gets more difficult the older they get.

my son was very similar. some kids need a lot more contact than others, i think. to feel safe. i think it's a temperament thing- anyway, that's what my fatehr said- some of us were far more independent as babies as others but the kid is who they are.
I pretty much kept him in a baby sling. that worked until he got too big to fit comfortably in it while i worked. you may try that, rather than force the kid to go through a separation she doesn't seem to be ready for yet.

sometimes he'd let me put him in one of those rocking swings. you may try that for things like the bathroom.

good luck. it's hard.

Don't worry. She will get past this stage. I have two sons (3 1/2 and 1 years old) and they both went through that. It is tough because you can't do anything, but they will move past that phase.

Hi M.,

Thank you so much for your families sacrifice for our country. God bless your husband and keep him safe.

You cannot spoil a child with too much affection. I also have a clingy daughter. She is 14 months old now and still clingy at times. I think they just need to be loved and cuddled. Sometimes more than others. Just like we all need to be loved and cuddled. I think you have gotten alot of great responses so I just wanted to agree with everyone else, get a sling, cuddle as much as you can because the time really does go by so fast!!

Bless your heart and your entire family's! I want you to know that my family prays daily for families such as yours, who are sacrificing so much to keep America safe and our freedom.

what i used to do with my children was have soothing music in the background and i put them on the stroller, where they could see me (i had it so that they were always facing me when i moved them around the house as i did my chores) and that gave them a sense of comfort and knowing *i was right there*. i would talk to them and "coo" as i did my things, always engaging, but only holding them when i was able. i would reach out and touch them and kiss them tons of times, but kept them on the stroller. i have home movies of it and every time i watch it now brings back such happy memories, it was a solution that worked for both parties involved! LOL

God bless you and yours. Hope this helps!
:)
Ileana

Well I am on the other end of the sprectrum. I never wanted to put my baby down. I didn't care that the dust bunnies grew or the laundry piled up. I held my first born until she started crawling....8 months. As soon as she found the floor and that her legs could get her somewhere she took off.........but always stayed close to mama. I never did tummy time with her either...she didn't like it. So she got tummy time on my belly. Everyone said that she would be one those toddlers that always wanted to be held but they were wrong. We built such a strong bond and she is very confident that mommy is always around and available. Now I have another daughter and I am doing the same thing. It is a bit harder now because my first daughter is 2 but I work it out. I put her in a sling and I can do anything with her, even go to the bathroom. Have you tried that? Does she take a pacifier to soothe herself? Do you nurse her? I just think that the more you hold them and touch them the better off they will be and the more they will trust that mommy will return or be there for them. Good luck

it's hard being a new mom and without any support. when i had my first, my husband at the time was in the coast guard, away most of the time.
my suggestion while i know it's really hard- is to let her cry it out. it will teach her that crying is not going to give her what she wants. it will be a hard lesson (harder for you) yet by doing this you are setting the scene for when she gets older.

M., I may be the only mother telling you you won't spoil your baby by holding her, but I truly believe that. You can not love a child too much. The usual problem is that too many babies just don't get enough love and/or affection and it is very hard for them to tell you that without crying. She may also sense any insecurity you have with your husband gone. I would ask, do you give her a lot of personal attention? Do you really focus on her when you do? Or are you simply holding her while you're talking on the phone or whatever? Babies are extremely sensitive to our moods, touch, and attention, and you have to learn to read them. Does she get interested in other things that hold her attention, such as manipulative toys? Does she enjoy music? Would that be something that would sooth and calm her? Maybe your hand against her stomach relieves a little tummy ache... With a child, it is very important to never assume there is not a real need--just like an adult. Follow YOUR instincts, not the words of other people. I think spoiled children are extremely rare, although I suppose it could happen. Help your child to become interested in other things. I was a single parent and my husband was gone for a long period in the military. My little girl would play for a long time in a playpen, surrounded by all her fun toys, while I would do my housework. However, she always knew I would pick her up if there was a real need. I never let my child cry without believing there was a real reason for it, and I encourage you to think the same--even if the reason can be simply emotional. My daughter is now a healthy, well-adjusted, brilliant and successful adult--and we have a terrific, close relationship. May you have the same...

M., the only way I survived some days was by putting my babies in swings. My oldest had numerous ear infections, there were nights I put her in the swing and slept on the couch right in front of her, so we could both have some peace. Also, when my oldest was 22mo, I had twins. The swings were again, a lifesaver as I couldn't hold babies all day (I'd never get anything done). Also w/ my youngest two (yes, I have five) I used a bouncer (it vibrated and had toys on it) and I could move it into the room I was working in. Hope maybe this helps some. God bless your hubby in Iraq, and thank you.

I think every child goes through this phase. However how you react now will determine your sanity later. LOL-But really what you need to keep in mind is who is in charge. Their is nothing wrong with holding your child but the moment they start controlling the show you know you have a problem. If you're not able to get anything done you need to change things up.
My husband was deployed when my son was 3 months old and shortly after he started going through the same phase. Though it killed me inside I would let him sit and cry. As long as I knew all of his needs (other then his desire to be held) had been met I would let him cry. It's not an easy thing to do, but eventually he broke of the habit. It doesn't mean I never picked him up I just didn't always give into his fits. (Of course he's not my first child and we went through it once with our daughter).

I have a friend who, God Bless her, is going through the same issue you are. I urge her to let her little one cry but she wont. This has been going on for almost a year and now that little one is walking and can find her she gets nothing done and may be loosing her sanity. Just keep that in mind when you feel like the worse mother in the world because your not picking her up. You will actually be doing her a favor and yourself.

Good luck!

Sophia is a beautiful name! My daughter was the same way, she is now a very independent 2 1/2 year old. We bought two things that were so very helpful, one of those baby sling/wraps and a backpack that could be worn in the front or on the back. She felt close to me and I was able to use both hands! This is a phase, she will out grow it. If you give her the security she needs now she will have the emotional well do draw from when she is older and she will know that Mommy is there for her. She will have the confidence to be a strong woman. ;)

There is no such thing as a spoiled four month old!! This is a phase, it won't last forever. So my advice is just tough it out for a while. She needs you. Show her you'll be there for her and she will learn that you'll be there for her when she needs you, and then she actually won't be a clingy baby when she's older. However, if you deny her, she will never feel like she has enough, and will be clingy when she's older. Get a sling or a BabyBjorn. I can do just about anything (including going to the bathroom) with my baby in tow. Good luck!

3 out of 4 of my kiddies were this way. I solved it with carriers and slings. I have to highly recommend the Ergo carrier since I have a bad back and neck (I hated my BabyBjorn for that), and it helps support posture for the baby. Best purchase I ever made! My daughter is almost two, and I still put her in it so I can do my home school and know she's out of trouble! =)

M.,
Was the birth of your daughter difficult in anyway?
You may want to find a chiropractor who works with children well and have your daughter get an adjustment on her back. It seems she is in some pain and can't tell you any other way than from crying.
Try it. It helps and she will feel better. Also it would seem your little Sophia is very sensitive. If there is any confusion, contention, or anxieties she will pick that up. It takes a little more effort to making sure she feels safe and happy but it is well worth it.

I had 6 children all married now and 21 grandchildren. I went through what you are going through and I do know it gets tiring and frustrating. Hang in there. It will pass. Remember to enjoy these days and her now because far to soon she will grow up and then you experience a whole new set of fun to endure. HA!!!
I hope this helps in any way.
Hugs,
M. B

I agree with everyone who says you can't spoil a baby. It's natural for them to want to be held. My baby is like that,too, but it's easier to put her down for some floor time in the morning when she's had some sleep and is in a good mood. I've also found she likes to get out and do things. You'll both have more fun out and about instead of sitting around the house! Get a Snuggly (at Target for $20) or one of the other carriers out there and go for a hike, window shopping, or out for lunch. You'll be surprised how much fun she has, and it will relieve your stress as well. (My baby girl was born Nov. 2)

M. Dear,

You may not orient to the world in the way that I'm about to offer, and that's ok. Just please consider what I will say.
Your newborn daughter isn't used to having a physical body. She probably feels like she's in very unfamiliar surroundings and is likely uncomfortable, to say the least, and she is probably also much more sensitive than you may ever be (considering your age) to emotions and other energy that you sort-of take in stride and just chalk up as daily stress or allergies or whatever. She is likely having difficulty orienting energetically in her body.

Just love her and reassure her and let yourself trust your own inner guidance. You know what feels best to you, and at times it may feel best to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, but you are still very bonded with each other right now and still just months away from being a one-body-being, you know.
It may be like you are her shield, emotionally and energetically which feels to me like it may be appropriate at her age, and not all children are the same, so others who suggest that your daughter is spoiled may not have the full picture of what is going on.
Saying someone is spoiled and then imposing behavioral mandates on them is almost always not seeing to the heart of the issue and is almost always not coming from a place of open-heartedness and compassion. And the root will always resurface until it is listened to and really heard and given the love and reassurance it needs, even if it's 40 years later that it finally gets the recognition. Once the recognition and loving consideration of the core thing happens, the uncomfortable symptoms often go away because they aren't needed to get us to listen any longer.

I wonder if you've considered asking someone who is able to hear and talk to angels, or guides, or is a medical intuitive or such-like about what you and your daughter are going through.
Of course, you will also have a good intuition if one person or another is a better match for you both, so you'll have to trust your intuition also.

If you ask around and don't find anyone who you feel comfortable with, I can recommend two different ones here in Prescott Arizona, where I live, who are both excellent and won't try to convince you of something or offer inappropriate advice. Both of these women are mothers and I know one is also a grandmother (both may be by this time) and have been sitting with people for many many years. I know them both on a personal level and they are very kind.

My own experience with these sorts of things is that this larger perspective is very helpful and can change everything about how I feel and also about how I respond to the people and situations in my life. It's not that I'm giving up my own ability to decide, I just am able to understand more clearly what the whole picture is and so make more informed decisions and begin to develop relationships that are more considerate and complete with my loved ones.

I hope this is helpful
you may email me if you would like me to give you Catherine Marie's and Cynthia's contacts
____@____.com
P.

I suggest both of you try the Calmazon from the Amazon Herb Company. It is an all natural and SAFE nerve calming formula that has been used successfully on infants through geriatrics. Check out ShootingStarHerbs.AmazonHerb.net for more info.

The only way you may be able to gently transition her is hold her less. She's just an infant, she'll be fine a little crying wont' hurt. She's only 4 1/2 months so spoiling is probably not an issue., it's hard to spoil an infant. She just knows who mama is and and enjoys that nurturing. Utilize the bouncey chair maybe baby einstien videos(TONS OF STIMULATION. Alot of people disagree with me but I'm a firm believer of floor floor and more floor time. I was a in home child care provider for 5 yrs. I took care of mostly military babies just because it happened that way and they all came to me as infants. since mom and dad had to go back to work most of my babys were 6wks old when they came to me. In 5 yrs I cared for 9 infants to toddler hood. It was an amazing journey! And they all always had floor time. Hang in there, it'll get easier!

I would get a sling or a front carrier for when you need to do chores. That way she is right there where she wants to be and you can move around more freely and have both hands free. I did laundry and dishes and vacuuming and sweeping and dusting and all that sort of stuff that way. You cannot spoil an infant, but eventually, when she gets a little older you will want to let her scream a little and get used to not being carried all the time.

Hi M.,

My daughter Samantha has just turned 6 months old. She has been exactly like that with my husband and I since she was about 3 months old. I stayed home her first 3 months and now am back to working full time.
Samantha still cries when we even sit down WITH her in our arms in the evening only. So that is when we walk with her or look out the window ect...... I did carry her in a front pack when I needed to do things around the house. She is now 16 lbs and I am not able to carry her for that long anymore. While you still can carry her in front of you in a bjorn or front pack that may keep Sophia happy to be next to you.
Samantha likes to hear me hum when she lays her head down on my chest it seems to calm her.
Good Luck ..... YOU CAN'T SPOIL A LITTLE BABY!!!!!!

Both of my children have been this way. They just require more contact then others. Wear her in a sling/baby carrier. It'll give her the contact she desires and give you two free hands. Knowing she can have your attention when needed will make her more secure and actually help her become more independent.

You're not spoiling her. You're being a good mom. You can't spoil a baby - her needs and wants are the same. And right now she just needs to be close to her mom. This phase will pass. My daughter is just about 5 months now, and for the past couple weeks she has become more content to kick around on the floor while i do the dishes. Before that, she had to be held all the time.

One way I was able to get a little housework done was to get a baby carrier - I have a Sleepy Wrap (sleepywrap.com) and a mei tai (momandbabynaturally.com). Baby carriers can get expensive - these were the most reasonable I found.

I have a Sophia too! And she was the exact same way. I just figured out how to tote her around and include her in whatever I was doing. Some days I got things done and alot I didn't. Your Sophia may be one of those girls that requires a lot of physical touch. Babies also go through phases where they are clingy and it passes after awhile or she could be doing the teething thing. Don't let people rain on your parade and tell you that she is a spoiled brat. You're the mom and you'll know better than anyone when she's being ornery or when she genuinely needs you. My daughter was and still is a child that requires a lot of physical touch and attention. Her biological father who doesn't even see her often is still very much this way. I'm not, but I don't mind her being who she is and it's my God-given gift and responsbility to meet her needs. So smile, load that baby up somehow (sling or snuggly) and get going. Hope this encourages. :-)

There may be times when your daughter is uncomfortable and does need your undivided attention. If there's that possibility that she's a little spoiled, then she may need to cry for awhile while you get things done. If she's fed, changed, had teething lotion etc, she may need to be placed in a crib or playpen, possibly where you're at and let cry for 10-15 minutes, maybe 20. Even talk to her or play with her while she's not being held. So she knows she's not desserted, but that she can be ok without being held all the time. Judy S.

It is so good to read that so many moms know that you can't spoil a baby! Your baby is only a baby for a little while and holding her now will make her more independant later. If you are worried about spoiling, read Parenting with Love and Logic - Birth to 6 years. The crucial time for discipline is when they start walking until 18 months. I have 6 kids from 16 years down to 8 months and I love the time I get to spend holding my last baby. I hold him at least 12 hours a day in a sling and I sleep with him at night. Babies need to be with their moms whenever possible! Don't worry about the housework! However, this can sometimes be overwhelming, so find a friend who can take her for an hour when you need a break and time for you. I will be praying for you and for your husband's safe return. Also, listen to your instincts. I can tell your babies cries bother you and they should. If you let her cry it out, they will stop bothering you and you will be less in tune with her needs!

Let me start by saying Thank you to you and your husband for your service to out country!
Is this something new or on going? If it's new then have the doctor make sure that she doesn't have an ear infection or something else going on. If it's on going, then you need to teach her to play on her own. Start by finding something safe for her to play with, then put her, the toy and yourself on the floor and play for a little while. Over time start to move away from her. Talk to her if she gets fussy, she may be calmed just by hearing your voice. It will take some time, but you both will be fine. Also, consider joining a moms group like MOMS Club or MOPS so that you can have a support group and grwon ups to talk to :)
Best of luck to you.

I agree with the other ladies that you can't spoil a 4 month old baby. It's a phase that will pass. I would get a carrier for now and let her cry it out when she gets a bit older.

My daughter did the same thing. Buy a baby sling or a Baby Bjorn. That changed my life. I was able to use the restroom, make myself some lunch, etc.

M.,

I don't believe that a 4 1/2 month old baby can be spoiled. She's crying because she needs something, and that something is you right now. I had one just like her, and I know it's not easy. I recommend investing in a sling. Personally, I like the Maya Wraps because they are sewn together at the ends, and you don't have to worry about it coming undone. Also, as she grows, you can use the wrap in different configurations to move her around (even wear her on your back). I also used the Maya Wrap to make my little boy more independent. When he got heavy, I'd put him on his feet, put the wrap on him, secure it with a rubber band so it was the right size, and let him carry stuff in it. We got so good at being together all the time, I could breast feed him inside the wrap, and no one ever knew it. Well, except that one nosy lady that just had to look at the baby.
Good luck!
ps I'll hold you in my heart until hubby gets back from the sandbox!

I would recommend getting a baby bjorn front pack carrier or a sling. This allows you to hold your baby hands free. At 4 1/2 months, your baby is still TOTALLY dependent on you and maybe her temperament is such that she feels more secure especially if her dad is not around.

Don't worry, holding her now will ensure that she feels secure and as she gets older, you will have less issues with separation anxiety.

You cannot spoil a 4 1/2 month old baby nor can you hold her too much.

L.

Mother of two and also a pediatric dietitian and lactation consultant with over 20 years of experience in dealing with children and families.
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Truly, I don't think she is spoiled. My understanding is that you really can't "spoil" one sooooooooooooo young and new in the world. Once they are a year old or so, then it may be possible but not at 4 months. It may be that some pain or discomfort is relieved when you hold her. 1/3 of all infants have GERD (gastro-esophageal-reflux-disorder); it's nothing to be afraid of. It's just that their li'l digestive tracts are still underdeveloped and sometimes they'll reflux up stomach acids, etc if they are not upright. Hold her as needed or bring the car seat in the house, snuggle her in so she's upright and feels held in as though you are holding her,(tuck blankets in around her, etc) and see how that works. She may just not want to be lying flat as it could be uncomfortable for her, especially within an hour of feeding,etc. Call her doc and ask if it could be reflux or better yet, call Dr. Ramon Montes and ask him. We are big believers in tending to a baby's cry, especially at such a young and tender time. A doctor once told us that even animals in the wild keep their li'l ones close and tend to their cries and it's even more important to do so with our li'l human babies. Comfort her when she cries, try the car seat thing, call and ask about GERD. The best to you and baby.

You absolutely cannot spoil a baby with love. With food and treats, yes, but with love and affection, absolutely not. Don't worry about holding her. Spend every second enjoying it because it's over too fast!

Here's what to try... Go buy a baby carrier. Put her in it and carry her around with you. Yu can do laundry, shop, clean, etc... and she can be happy and need the closeness she needs. You can also try Hylands teething tablets. FYI- I ALWAYS held my baby, and now, at only 14 months, all he wants to do is run and play. It really goes to fast. Please let me know if I can help you with a baby carrier.

Hi M.,

What I found worked best when my son (now 4) was a baby was by setting up things for him to work with.

In the kitchen, there was a plastics cupboard with all sorts of plastic containers to play in combined with a few saucepan lids (if you can handle the noise) and a few home made toys to keep him occupied. Most importantly I would have a baby gym and play mat set up for him in the loungeroom/family room so that he could play while I folded up washing and stuff beside him. This allowed me to be able to go and do cleaning and maybe sometimes sit down and have a cup of tea and relax.

If you're still worried, feel free to see your child health nurse for tips.

Hope this works for you!

J.

Hi M.,

I second the sling! It helps to have someone who knows how to use it show you, also. And I agree, meat spoils, not babies. I know it can be stressful, I'm a single mama of 2, but do try to enjoy this very short time. I like to look at my life as if it were measured in inches...one inch equals ten years, and I plan on living for at least ten inches (100 yrs), so this time with very small children isn't even half an inch! Does that make sense?

Please please please don't think your baby is spoiled. It's impossible. First, make sure nothing is wrong with her physically. Then, get a sling!!!! Some babies just need to be held more than others. I've known some of them and they turn out fine. It's just rough on mom. Second, there are two classes in town I can suggest for you. Both are coming up at the beginning of April: Parenting the High Needs Baby and Babywearing. They are at
http://www.bodymindandspiritabq.com
The classes are taught by a mom who has been there AND you will get lots of support there.
Next, you need a support system. You need a break now and then. There's a nurse on base who talks to all expecting moms, I think? Maybe she can point you in the direction of a moms group or babysitting co-op? Do you participate at the chapel? Hang out at the playground and watch for other moms? Can you come to the moms group where the classes mentioned above are taught?

Finally, this has nothing to do with you. You didn't do anything wrong. You have a baby that needs you and don't listen to others' judgements. Unfortunately, I do have to add that going to the bathroom with baby in tow isn't that unusual. Slings are great for that, too!

I don't think you can spoil a child at that age. I'm 30 and have 3 wonderful girls. My middle child, Mia, was the same way. I was told it was because of gas, it hurts their stomach to lay down. Have you tried wrapping her up in a blanket as tight as you can? Do you have a battery operated bouncy seat? I used to wrap her up in a blanket and put her in the bouncy seat, as a matter of fact, that's where she used to sleep at night. It's also probably the sense of security, being held, maybe wrapping her up will make her feel like she's being held.

M.,

A few things I wanted to mention in addition to what has been said already. First - a 4.5 month old can't be spoiled. Second and most important is that your child may get over stimulated too easily or may need extra stimulation. You'll need to take the steps to see what it is. Test it out with giving stimuli and taking it away and see what makes her happy. I'm going to guess that she doesn't like change and get's over stimulated easily - only because I have a son like that. If it is a stimulation issue, check into some Occupational Therapy resourses - wrapping her tightly in a blanket, things like that. If you need more ideas - please send me an email. Also, many children are in tune to the parents feelings and she may feel uptight if you are stress or feeling sad. Get in a group with other moms - if you are on base there should definately be something to join.

Best to you!

You're not going to spoil her by holding her! :) I have 3 munchkins and all 3 were in a sling. Mine all loved to be held and this made it work so I could be holding them and do a few things. Cherish the time to hold her now...she won't want to be held forever. Enjoy watching your little princess! My prayers are with you for a safe return for your husband.

L.

My oldest daughter, and my first was like that...but, more of myself to blame.I held her so often that as she advanced in months she wanted to be attached to my hip and it got to be exhausting. I bought an electronic swing (or crank up) and it was a God send to me. She enjoyed swinging even more than being attached to my hip and it gave me the freedom to get other things done. Otherwise, my only other advice is "no child ever was harmed by alittle crying". You don't want her to start to be afraid of all the lifes experiences coming her way, and her feeling frightened if she doesn't have your "physical" attachment. A small degree of seperation is essential and healthy. You don't want her as she gets older to be sleeping in your bed at night or afraid to go to the babysitters or school etc.....there is going to be a whole big new world for her to explore. While your husband is away, ask for some help from your frineds and family so YOU can have some time for yourself. I can tell you must be a VERY loving mom.....S.

Technically, you can not spoil a baby until after 6 months, according to "Your baby's First Year week by week". Iy is probably teething. As well as your are the main caregiver she sees, with daddy in the military, you are pulling double duty in the daily parenting duties. Hold her as much as you feel you can handle. When you need to put her down, don't feel bad. Crying won't hurt her.

p.s. If you need friends to help you, let me know. I would be willing to get together to help.