So my sweet daughter "Melody" has a friend I'm not crazy about for no particular reason other than she sets my "mom radar" off. (and I'd heard she drove like a maniac. I'd been soft about it because I didn't want Melody to have to tell "Traci" she couldn't ride to school with her "because ..?" I know, lazy parenting; she's my youngest and I'm getting worn out, worn down, and she exhausts me. There's not a day goes by she doesn't want to "hang out", sleep over, have a sleep over, go somewhere, do something that involves me hosting, driving, cooking...etc. But she's sweet, and has a diverse group of friends from school, youth group, work, etc. Where was I?
I'm already at work when she gets picked up for school, then my husband leaves for work. So he calls me one morning last month and says Melody left early with "Traci" 'cuz "Traci's mom was making them breakfast before school. My answer was "and you believed her?" because it sounded fishy to me. Yeah, she's sweet, but she has lied before, nothing serious, but I question and probe. He said yeah, but he drove past the school on his way to work to make sure Traci's car was in the lot.It was. A few hours later he gets a call from Melody at school and she says "Dad, I'm not suspended and I don't have a detention or anything, but... ." I know this is not good, "theyre making me call to tell you I was smoking in Tracis car on the way to school." This really bums me out because she's seen her father and me struggle to quit, her brother and of her sisters struggle to quit (we have) and I had hoped she'd not give in knowing how addicting they are. So he asks how she got caught and she says "Well, Tracis' car burned to the ground in the parking lot". I did a spit take with my coffee, we both laugh and laugh and I think "that solves my problem of her riding in Tracis" car. I talk to the prnicipal who tells me Tracis' parents are out of town, they did have breakfast at her house but Tracis' mom sure didn't cook it!
Before Melody got home that day I told my older daughter the story and she says"right, like it was a cigarette". I inform her that Meolody would not smoke pot, and my older looks at me like I"m an idiot and says "Maaahhhhm, it's 4-20, National Smoke Weed Day". I look at her like she speaking Russian and she says "it's Bob Marley's birthday, we all skipped school and got high on 4-20." I don't want to know this, but I go out and buy a home test kit and have it in the bathroom when Melody gets home; she pees and passes; I don't know if I'm relieved it was only cigarettes; would I rather she be do an occasional doobie or be a pack-a-dayer? NIETHER! But she's contrite and remorseful, tells me the story, she Traci and 3 BOYS have breakfast, on the way to school Traci gives Melody a smoke that she shares with a boy in the fron(she's in the back) When they get to school a t-shirt on the floor is smoldering, they stomp it out and go in the building. They don't know who dropped the ash, if it blew back in the window or what. An hour later...sirens, they're called to the office, the old heap is a molten blob. Then she says "I told Traci I'd pay for it." I look at her like she's nuts because she has about $200 in savings and is unemployed for the moment, and I don't feel obligated to pay.
So she's on a short leash til the end of school, no get-togethers, sleep-overs, etc. and we hear nothing until yesterday when Tracis' mom calls to say Traci has found a car to but and could Melody bring the money she promised. She said she and her husband scraped together most, but they need another $200. (minimal insurance) I told her I'd talk to Melody. When I first heard this my reaction was "not liable, we don't know whose cigarette it was, Traci gave my daughter the smoke..." but even now as I'm writhing this I'm realising that it would be the right thing for Melody to do, even if the boy involved doesn't contribute. I just answered my own question. I did have some friends tell me they didn't think she should be liable for any damages; maybe not legally, but I think morally... what do you think?
If I seem casual about this it's because I've had teenagers in the house for 11 years now and not much shocks me anymore. (the others have turned out quite well)
Yes, she is suffering the consequences, and NO way am I going to bail her out financially. The school had no course of action as they were NOT smoking on school property, they fessed up to the cause of the fire, and Laurie-she passed the drug test I gave her, she had not been smoking pot. My husband and I laughed because they were just so busted. Reminded me of when my son asked to use the copier at school for "homework" and printed a flyer for his buddy's kegger...then left the original in the machine! Hah!
Just makes me DREAD the day my kids are doing things that could get them in REAL trouble. Darn teenagers. They just DON'T GET IT.
That chuckling you hear is me laughing with you...not at you. Because I too have survived a teenage daughter (I do think they are worse than boys). Since she said she would pay something, then she is obligated. You are teaching her that her word in her bond. It's not a matter of liability (probably she is not technically liable) but it is a matter of keeping her word. By coughing up her entire savings, being grounded, and not hanging out with those kids again she is going to learn a powerful lesson that should stick. I dunno if I would do it only until the end of school or if some punishment should continue into summer. You still haven't addressed the issue that she lied to you and your husband to sneak out with some boys at a girl's house that was bereft of adults at the moment. Hang in There!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What a powerful lesson. Your daughter, even though she made a poor choice sounds like a good and responsible kid for owning up to the situation, being remorseful and offering to help her friend financially. I think she should pay the $200 of her own money, but none of yours. The other girl will just have to live with this natural consequence of her choice. I think you ought to remind your daughter what this cost her: her own savings, being grounded for the rest of the school year,etc. She will need to think twice about her friend Traci in the future. Praise her for coming clean about this because it helps restore your trust in her even though she was dishonest and made a bad choice with her friend. Good luck! I am glad she and her friends weren't in the burning car!
HTH,
A.
Oh dear....
Yup, let her give what she can, she did offer. I think everyone in the car is responsible, although the driver of the car more so as she allowed it in her car. If there were 5 people then it should be split between the 5. I'm guessing it wasn't an expensive car and I'm guessing they did have insurance on it. But $200 seems a fair price to pay and a good lesson learned.
SWH, I know you said she passed the drug test, but it is interesting that your older daughter mentioned Pot on that day.. Sometimes, the older siblings know a lot more about what HAS been going on.. but has not shared. Just something to keep in mind.. and a parent cannot say it enough.. Do not smoke pot.. I really think pot should be legal personally, even though I have never smoked it, but at this point it is against the law.. and what a shame for a teen to get busted.. It costs a fortune once you get caught up in the legal system..
I do not think she has too, but in a way it will be a good lesson to lose all of her savings, for the lying, hiding her true activities , the smoking.. and smoking pot..
Maybe she will have learned that it is not worth it..
At least they did not get hurt or do damage to any one elses car or the school building!!!
I also would be totally honest with her that you know exactly what she has been up too, and have not really said or done anything about it, but now that this has gone on for so long and ended up with this mess.. You are just going to have to be a mean mom and stay on her.
I always told our child, I do not approve of.. underage drinking, smoking anything.. and especially lying.. I was honest about how we behaved in high school.. But that now there are very strong laws and if she got into trouble she could lose her scholarships.. etc..
That once she lies to me.. it will take a VERY long time to earn my trust and not to mention how betrayed I will feel.
It is pretty darn funny.. I read this aloud to our daughter and she said what I was thinking.. This sounds like something that easily could have happened to us.. We are a disaster waiting to happen at any moment. We are still giggling..
You answered your own question. She accepted at best minimal responsibility and it sounds like that is all Traci's family is asking of her. If they wanted her to pay for the car all by herself that would be different. Reality is it should be divided between all parties involved, I think there request is fair.
All three of them should chip in and depending on what the new car costs two hundred may be reasonable.
I know if it was one of my kids who owned the car I would tell them suck it up. You are responsible for what you allow in your car. This would be even if he wasn't a part of the smoking. I would look at it as it happened because he allowed it and he didn't make sure the fire was out.
Still this is me personally, I am not sure what the law allows for. I think the assumption is this is what insurance is for but I don't know.
Call a lawyer and a family therapist. ASAP. There seems to be a lot going on with your children that you never knew about, especially this youngest daughter, and I get a feeling that the backstory is extremely important. I don't think that we need to know about it, but I do hope that you and your family get the help you and your daughter need. In order to keep her out of trouble you guys have to reconnect with her and be involved in her life more than whatever is happening now.
That does NOT mean I think you're doing a bad job at all. I just think that you need some parental back-up during this really challenging time.
Wow.
Just... WOW.
Ummm... first thoughts? Yeah.. she offered, she should cough up some of her money. Perhaps it'll hurt enough that she'll use better judgment in the future.
?
To me, your daughter's offer to "pay for it" was beyond her ability. Its like a 12 year old saying to a friend, "Yeah, I can drive and I'll drive you to school."
Don't think so. Your daughter's reaction was an emotional and hyper reaction during a crisis event. She could have promised anything in a hyper emotional event such as her friends car burning down . . . and she did.
Does she have an obligation to help pay under these circumstances? Would you feel an obligation to help pay for a home if they had burnt down the driver's home instead of her car? I wouldn't. They were doing something they shouldn't have been doing. Covering part of the damage is rewarding the misbehavior.
Just my opinion. I'm glad I never had to go through any of this as a dad. Boy, do I feel lucky.
Good luck to you and yours.
I don't think she's liable for any of the damages, although I wonder why she would've said she'd pay for it
That said, I think you should make her pay what she has and would consider it "restitution" for lying, sneaking around and smoking...she was hit with a $200 fine.
I don't know if she's liable but what I do know is that if she does have to pay HER OWN MONEY she will learn a lesson from this she won't forget.
If she doesn't have to pay or if you pay with your own money, the lesson will not be set in stone.
O.M.G.
And the school did not give them detention or suspension? Just nothing? No police reports. The school just made her call her Dad to tell him?
So many, oh wow's here.
There is no easy answer here to this.
How old is your daughter?
Making her pay for it, (your daughter volunteered to do this), is just the marginal part of the problems with your daughter.
Is her name Melody, or Melanie?
