Daughters' Venomous Talk to Each Other: How to Stop It?

I'll pass on some advise I got from this web site (Aunt Mel Mel). I was having the same problem with my kids treating each other horribly - mine are 3 and 6.

Aunt Mel Mel told me about Criss Cross Applesauce. When the kids start up - no matter who started it b/c you don't always know and they both participate - you have them come to you and sit criss-cross where you are so you can keep an eye on them. They sit there until they have calmed down and for me I make them tell each other they will treat each other better and give hugs. If they are both not ready to say that, they sit until they are both ready.

It has been a life saver in my house. If they still can't get along they both go in the separate rooms until we tell them they can come out. Not so much as punishment, but just to get out of each others hair.

Time to start emptying the room. Every time you hear it, out goes a toy or your choosing. They go in a box in the garage or somewhere out of their ability to access them. They can only be returned a few at a time by good behavior towards each other.

Ignore who starts it. Ignore whose toy it is. Just make it a loved toy. If they turn on YOU, take TWO toys and don't even remark about it. Have your daycare provider follow suit, if they are talking badly to each other there. (If she can - it's hard when other kids are involved.)

By making it a blanket consequence, by acting like the Army as in "one screws up, everyone pays the price", they will stop baiting each other and keep each other in line.

It might take a while, but when all of a sudden they realize that they are losing their possessions, the lightbulb will come on. Instead of you taking 10 toys in a day, it will end up being 2 toys. If they go an entire day without talking ugly, give one toy back at bedtime and tell them what they "didn't do" to earn it back.

Good luck with this!
Dawn

Are they around people who talk like this to each other? You and your husband, neighbors, other family, friend's parents, friends? If they are hearing it often, it can be hard to teach them it's wrong. If not, I also agree with Dawn.

This might not apply to your family, but has been a solution in our home.

My husband and I used to have an appallingly rough marriage. We didn't speak to each other kindly or model healthy relationship.

Now that we are behaving differently towards each other, acting with love and consideration, modeling healthy conflict, showing affection, sharing time, space, etc., our children are acting very differently towards each other. Sure, they bicker, but they act respectfully towards each other much more often than not.

I try to really reinforce this through praise (ex: Wow, way to share kids! / I love the way you are playing with each other today! / Could you help your sister out with this please? Thanks, that was a really kind thing to do!)

I also give 'em help mediating their conflict and talking about their feelings. (ex: I feel ________ when you _______ (hint: I don't feel like you're a brat, I feel frustrated. I don't feel LIKE (that's a thought, unless we're in simile land) and you don't get to MAKE me feel, I have my feelings and I make them all by myself.)

It also helps in my home if I jump in sometimes, "Oh, Aria, you need to use your respectful tone and words. Talk it out, please find a solution. What can you do to help yourself feel better without being rude to Opal?"

If one hurts the other (hasn't happened in a while, huge step in our home!!) I'll say, "you're not being safe to ____ so you need to take your body away from her and have space."

If they speak to each other with raised tones I'll say, "Until you're ready to treat each other respectfully, you're not to be in the same room." They share a room, most of their friends, most of their toys, most of their clothes - and that's a lot to share. So they also have things they don't have to share unless they want to. Each has one sport they go to just by themselves. Each has a cubby in their room that they have total control over. Each has a treasure stash and a few toys that are 'extra special'. Each afternoon we have quiet play time where they have some room from each other and can listen to music and just relax. They WANT to play with each other, but they do better if they have some alone time each day. This helps them not feel suffocated by the other.

My eldest is also the most aggressive of the two, so I keep on her throughout the day. "Hey Aria, you don't get to speak in that tone to Opal. How do you feel when someone speaks to you/takes your toy/pushes past you? Do you want Opal to feel that way? No, of course not, you love her and want her to feel safe and happy. What do you need to do (apologize)? If you continue to act rudely, I will need to have you take space until you're ready to change your attitude.

I feel really proud of how far those two have come. In the mornings I listen to them playing with each other, helping each other out, trading toys and games. It's cool, because when my eldest (tech. my bio niece) came to live with us she was brutal towards my youngest. They fought a LOT and sometimes it was really bad. I'm so happy that they pal around with such respect these days. Good luck!

You have gotten some good answers here, especially Ephie's and Hazel's. I would add something on just one aspect of this: I assume from your post that they share a bedroom, since you overhear them talking to each other in the early morning. That may be part of the problem. If they are pretty much together all the time except when at school, they may have no private space (real physical space or mental "space") where each girl can be alone, regroup, and feel like an individual apart from her sister. You know the saying -- "Familiarity breeds contempt." And it's worsened by sibling rivalry.

If it is at all possible, I'd work out separate bedrooms. If it's not possible, is there another space in the house where one can retreat from the other to think, read, play alone, be alone? Do you find yourself encouraging them always to spend time together or play with each other, when possibly you could sometimes encourage them instead to do separate things for a while? I'd be careful I wasn't giving them the message (intentionally or not) that they're expected to entertain each other when at home. They may feel that way even if you don't tell them that and don't mean for them to get that message. Check in especially with the eight-year-old, when she is calm and not angry with her sister, about how she feels about sharing a room, whether she needs more down time that's spent alone, if her sister gets in her nerves, etc. Kids can often need more alone time than we think -- it is good for building their ability to entertain themselves. And the ability to be apart might make them more appreciative and less combative when together.

I wonder what would happen if you asked them sometime:

"I remember Daddy and I used to talk like that to each other a while ago. You must have thought it was okay, maybe, but how did it make you feel when we argued like that?"

If it were me, I'd take a step back and consider all that's gone on in the past few months. Have your girls been able to talk about it and to really process it? I ask this because kids often are very afraid to confront their sad and angry feelings toward their parents. They are afraid to hurt their parents feelings, and so turn that anger and frustration toward 'safer' targets.

I would highly recommend some of the following: Nonviolent Communication workshops/classes; family counseling (because what you went through was big) and two books: "How to talk so Kids Will Listen....And How to Listen so Kids will Talk" and "Siblings without Rivalry", both by Faber and Mazlish.

For what it's worth, when my son and I are having a hard time with each other-- for whatever reason-- sometimes it really helps me to say "You know, I have been telling you 'no' a lot today. What does that sound like for you?" Just this question (and my willingness to listen, to not correct his answer to what I think) gives my son emotional space to know that he can tell me his real feelings---however they come out. He knows I care enough about him to ask, even if I won't always like the answer.

I also know that using those "I" statements and taking responsibility for my own feelings and actions leaves my son with more room to think about what he's doing. When he gets 'bickery' with me, I might go up to my room or close the kitchen door. When he asks what's going on, I tell him "I feel tired when this arguing is going on, and I need to take a break. I'll come find you when I'm ready for company again." Sometimes, not taking sides/assigning blame and removing one's self from the fray really gets their attention.

I also think Ephie has some great, practical advise you can use right away. Jump on that!

Every time you hear them speak like that to each other, remind them that we don't speak like that. They've done it for so long, they probably don't know they do it. You don't learn things immediately nor do you change behaviors over night....
Remind and remind and remind...
When my kids got nasty with each other, I'd put a puzzle on the table and tell them they had to work on it for 10 min. without talking. If they talked, I added 5 minutes...
Trust me... it works.
LBC

I'd make the punishment the same as if they had treated a parent, a teacher, a grandparent, or another child that way. For some reason, it is more acceptable to be ugly to the people closest to us, where we would never tolerate them talking to people outside our house that way. What would you do if they talked that way to a teacher? That should be the punishment. It's frutrating.
My kids wear me out. But, if they are mean to each other, they have to apologize and write each other a an apology card listing what they did and apologizing for it. I might also have them make it up to each other. For instance - you can give sister your computer time to make it up to her.

You've gotten lots of great advice. Each kid is different and will respond to different things. I have 3 girls who get along very well most of the time. When they don't and things turn ugly, I simply divorce them! I tell them they are now an only child. They can only play alone...and only with their own toys. If they touch their sisters toys, that's when I start removing something of theirs. It takes about an hour for them all to see how much they actually love each other. We then have some apology time and they go about their business. I don't know if it's the right answer, but it works for me. Good luck.

N.,

I do like some of the advice (Ephie and Hazel) below. I make my girls apologize to each other first, then if 1 was hitting or being really ugly I make them give me 50 (any large number) pushups and/or jumping jacks, sit ups or wall sits. However many exercises I deem appropriate. If they still seem angry I make them sit and do nothing while the others play.